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Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Becky47, Mar 21, 2017.

  1. Becky47

    Becky47 Member

    I was giving Percocet 10/325 every 8 hours for my back. I have no L5 L4 L3. I have disc degenerative disease, static nerves that shoot down my legs. I am also on Gabapentin 300 mg capsules I take 3 capsules 2 x daily. I am on Klonopin 1mg 3√ódaily. Adderall 10mg x 2 daily.

    I barely take the adderall makes my stomach hurt.

    I am constantly depressed I can go weeks without hardly leaving my bed. I have thought of suicide so many times. Actually tried once and failed. I have such awful mood swings. One minute happy next down.
    My boys know they hate it. But then again no one understands how much pain I have in my back.

    I have tried physical therapy that's a joke with the pain i am in.
    Then last march I ruptured my ACL and fractured my femur. My Acl is okay now but omg my femur is still not.

    I am ate up with osteoarthritis in my hands and my feet.
    Goodness i don't want to tell my Doctor. I know he will likely take me gradually off. But how can I keep living like this. I can't even keep my Doctor appt.

    Hate dealing with school stuff for my 12 year old. Feel worthless and horrible mom.
    Back surgery is so expensive I don't have the money for it.

    I have no clue what to do. Just hope someone else can give me some insight. Thank you
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Becky47... I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. I'm just wondering: Are all of the meds you're on prescribed by the same doctor? That seems like an awful lot of stuff to be taking. I know you have a great deal of pain, but it's no wonder you can't get out of bed with all the meds you're on. (FYI... I took a very small dose of Klonopin for a few years and it knocked me out. When I finally got off of it, it was like I was reborn.)

    Have you seen a therapist or psychiatrist for your depression? If not, you should consider doing so. They can really do a world of good. Just talking to my therapist really made a huge difference in my life.

    I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way. And lots of healing, pain-relieving vibes. I know you're in a tough situation. I hope things get better soon.
    Drandolph and Becky47 like this.
  3. Becky47

    Becky47 Member

    Yes the same doctor prescribed me ask the meds. I was on a lot more and I quit taking those.
    I have thought about going somewhere for awhile because of the suicidal thoughts. I think it would help to be around other people who would get me. But what to do with my back and if they take me off the meds I will not be able to do much. So I do not know. Stuck in a rut. Thank you for responding. Klonopin I actually only take a night when I am not depressed. I took myself off of Ambien I didn't like how it made my heart racing. He definitely gives you meds. Kinda scary but he knows how bad I am. Geez. Thank you
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Becky47... If it were me, I would definitely think seriously about getting help for the suicidal thoughts. That's an incredibly difficult and draining thing to live with. I would worry about that first and not worry about the "what if" scenarios. You deserve to live a happy life and I don't think you can do that with those thoughts bouncing around your head all the time. That's just my two cents.

    Praying hard for you, my dear.
  5. boutdone

    boutdone Member

    I'm so sorry to hear bout all the pain you have to deal with. Can only imagine. I hurt my back at work once and wow was one most painful things I've ever had to deal with, was even hard to bare down to use the bathroom.
    I have fibro so also live with pain everyday...probably nothing comparable to what you have to deal with, but enough to make me curl up in fetal position and hold the couch down for few days when having a flare-up. Hope you find a Dr to talk to, we all need someone to talk to sometimes. I know must seem like there's not much to live for or look forward to right now, but please if you won't think about yourself, please consider what losing you would do to your 12 year old and those who love you.
    Healing prayers for you my friend.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. Drandolph

    Drandolph Member

    Good evening...
    My mother has similar history...
    She has scoliosis and was in a bad car accident...she did have back surgery and it helped a little but by that time?she was taking oxy.
    Fast forward some years. She is on hydracodone...and fentanyl patches this was discovered by my sister and i 5 months ago.
    Recently my mother had to undergo a kidney biopsy to remove a suspicious surgery?
    My mother was crying so much because the pain meds she was getting through an i.v. wasn't doing a thing due to her high tolerance to pain meds.
    The medical staff stated they couldn't give her more due to possible overdose.
    My mom has looked into steroid injections and cut down her meds some.
    Insurance?are you eligible for mediCal? If you are living with chronic legit pain and are income eligible this should be an option.
    So sorry you are going through thus.
  7. toolbelt_1

    toolbelt_1 Member

    @Becky47 I do know the pain you are in. I have had 4 back surgeries and countless procedures. I have even had a Medtronic TENS unit installed in my back (called a Pain Stimulator). It actually works incredibly for the chronic daily pain. The other thing I use is Kratom for breakthrough pain when needed. I have been in the program of NA/AA for almost 22 years (not sober the entire time) and I have to admit back pain/chronic pain and depression go hand in hand. I was using 24 mgs of Suboxone per days, 8 mg 3x per day. In addition I was using muscle relaxers. It is very difficult, you're not a bad mother at all you're a person in need of help. We can't always do it on our own. The biggest issue is the fact that you are taking so many CNS depressants. No wonder you are depressed, down and having mood swings. You're being pumped full of drugs that are wreaking havoc on your body and internal organs.

    Since moving to Kratom over the past 2 months I can honestly say I don't use anything else now for pain other than my stimulator and Kratom. I stopped using Suboxone, Muscle Relaxers, Zoloft and even regular Tylenol. I literally only take Kratom once or twice a day. It has worked for my social anxiety, depression, chronic pain and sleep issues. I was just telling my wife I haven't had to turn on my pain stimulator for days at a time that is how well Kratom is working.

    I would strongly advice getting help for the depression first and foremost. I actually see a therapist once a week and we are working through my depression and anxiety disorder. I have always been of the mind that therapy was for the weak minded. I couldn't be more wrong. What I have found is exactly opposite, some of the strongest most together people I know are in or have used therapy.

    Now I wouldn't suggest jumping off all your meds and jumping to Kratom. First do your research (I spent 6 months researching Kratom before making the decision to try it out and see) and wait till your depression is stabilized. After you feel confident enough and if you are still in a ton of pain then I would talk about getting a pain stimulator installed. If it works, then great but if it doesn't take away 100% of the pain or even reduce your pain enough to allow you to be a productive person then and only then I would work with your doctor to have him start reducing your pain meds and switching to Kratom. It is literally a miracle drug for me and several people I know living in the same situation with chronic pain and depression. I really hope something works for you and I don't care if it is my suggestions that do it as long as you get your life back and your boys get their mother back.
  8. bndksntsgrl

    bndksntsgrl Member

    @Becky47 Omgosh, I totally relate to what you're going through. I know you posted this a few months ago, so I really hope that you are well along the road to recovery, and that things have gotten much easier for you. When I read your posts it was like finding my doppleganger. I too have dreadful back problems, was on and off different drugs, (oxycodone, hydrocodone, Adderall, antidepressants, fentanyl, etc...), and am very depressed. I can't take antidepressants, however, they make me manic. I am diagnosed with PTSD and there isn't, to my knowledge, any drug that can be prescribed to help with that particular mental illness. My daughter just graduated in June and I remember very well not only feeling totally inadequate as a mother, but abnormal and unlike every other "normal" mother who had kids in school. I hated how painful I felt not only physically, but mentally, and of course because it all ties together, emotionally. Now she's graduated I don't feel any better. I don't have to force myself to function in that particular stressful setting, but I'm still wrestling with myself every day just to do regular daily activities. I'm constantly hyper-aware of myself and hyper-vigilant, and I so wish that whatever happened to me to cause all of this, didn't happen, or if it had to, that I could just go back to being the confident, happy, woman that I used to be. Living has gotten so difficult and I just can't understand exactly what caused all of these anxieties and dysfunctions, nor how to get myself back, or at least, get myself much better. I'm in counseling, but I have huge medical bills and I can't afford anymore. I know I need surgery and definitely a physical and bloodwork to see if there are any other issues, since it's been years since I've had just a checkup, but it's so hard to even get myself together sometimes just to get out of the house. So I struggle on, white-knuckling my days and trying not to let the struggles overcome me entirely. The best analogy I have is that it's like being overboard in a stormy sea: the shock of the cold ocean water, the depth, and being unable to see any land, and I'm being battered by rough, choppy waves and struggling to keep my head above water. No sooner am I able to get above and grab a breath of air, a wave knocks me under once again. Some just swell over my head and force me under, while others come crashing down and pummel and batter the crap out of me. As much as I disliked reading your posts, because I know your pain and I wished you didn't feel any of it, I hope it helps you some to know you're not alone, that there are people out there who share your pain, who identify with your struggles, and who care. I pray for you healing, and just as importantly, the peace and joy that are so hard to grasp hold of.
    deanokat likes this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    bndksntsgrl likes this.