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Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by concerned, Sep 22, 2016.

  1. concerned

    concerned Member

    I don't know if my husband has a problem or if I'm just worrying too much (I do suffer from anxiety and tend to overworry over think things so that is a possibility), but I wanted to get help from you.

    Hubby changed jobs, we moved to another town, but my job didn't move as easily so I was home some nights, parents other nights to save on commuting. That was year one (well most of it but not all). I am home now and have been for over a year.

    This caused some marital problems of course. We both indulged in the drink more than we once did. I decided it was too much for me (I'm a light-weight, pardon the term please but only way I can think of to describe it right now). He slowed some too.

    Generally speaking, he drinks 2 rum and pineapple juices when he drinks (sometimes (not often) 3, on occasion (rare) 4). The alcohol content is generally about 3-4 (max 4) oz: he puts in ice, then rum, then pineapple juice.
    This happens about 2-3 times a week (on average, I haven't actually written down how often; maybe I should). I usually drink at least something with him.

    Mid-June of 2016, we were at a wedding and he got SUPER drunk. Stumbling, slurring, vommitting the whole way home and some when we got home. He went to the bathroom 2x in a place that wasn't the toilet and waved me off (no shoving or hitting; though cranky, don't recall verbal abuse), well more of a gentle swat....but definitely not trying to hit. None of that. He didn't even look at alcohol for about 2 weeks after that, and waited a week or 2 more before having one drink and slowly started back up again (it was until a solid month/month and a half at least....might even have been until mid-late August now that I think about it before he got even close to what he normally drinks). he didn't remember that evening at all.

    Today, he was drinking with a friend. I had to go to the doctor (been sick for a while, so needed to go again) this evening so I wasn't home. I gave him instructions for supper as I left (he hadn't come home yet) and he seemed to understand. I get home, and he had apparently been laying on the dining room floor and wanted to go downstairs to our bedroom, but decided he couldn't make it and laid back down. He almost went to the bathroom in the dining room, even though I said he couldn't go there and I dragged him to the bathroom (he let me pull him) and he went in the toilet. When I got back from the doctor, he asked how I was and how it went. So at least he remembered that. On my way to the doctor, I think I got a bit snippy with him (by accident) because I had to repeat directions to him and why I was going to the doctor. He said he loved me though and I got an "I'm sorry." text from him, but couldn't get out why he was sorry (for being drunk I'm thinking).

    My question is: is there abuse going on here? We've discussed recently that we're not quite back to our normal status but that we might have to find a new normal (he was a bit drunk then too, but not anything like tonight and certainly not like back in June) and that we might be okay. He's been bored with things lately, but he does go through those phases until he finds a new hobby. I've been with him 10 years (married 7) and that's his MO: new hobby, obsess over it, learn as much as he feels he can learn, bored; new hobby.
    So, is there a possibility of abuse? I could use some advice. Especially in how to talk to him, confidently, non-accusatory, lovingly but firmly.
    Thank you!
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @concerned... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us. I'm glad you reached out. It does sound to me like your husband has a problem with alcohol. Some of the behaviors you mentioned are certainly not normal for someone who doesn't abuse alcohol.

    Wanting to talk to him about the issue is a great thing. And it's also terrific that you want to do it confidently and lovingly, without being accusatory. That is definitely the right approach. Too many people confront their loved one and get angry with them; that is rarely effective.

    I'd like to recommend a fabulous book to you. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change and it's written specifically for partners/loved ones of people who struggle with addiction. The book teaches you how to talk to your loved one about their problem with love, kindness, and empathy. It gives you guidance on how to help motivate your loved one to want to change. And it teaches you how to take care of yourself, which is absolutely essential when you're dealing with an addicted loved one.

    The book also has a companion workbook, which is available for free online. You should check the workbook out and see what this approach is all about. You can find the workbook, which is called "The 20 Minute Guide," at this link:

    The 20 Minute Guide

    When you go to that link, just click on the link that says "I Am a Partner."

    One other suggestion I have for you is to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area and attend. Al-Anon has helped so many family members and friends deal with a loved one's struggles with alcohol and drugs. It can be incredibly comforting to be amongst others who know exactly what you're dealing with and feeling.

    You are not alone, my friend. We are here to help and support you however we can. You can reach out and lean on us anytime. In the meantime, I'm sending you lots of positive vibes and hugs full of hope. Again, kudos to you for coming here and seeking advice on how to approach your husband. He is lucky to have you. I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers.