Now I'm feeling it.

Ok so I'm 3 months clean now and I have been on a taper plan with a great doctor. He's a psychiatric addiction specialist.
I'm currently on
1. Remeron 15mgs at night- not because I have depression but I had become anorexic from drug use. I went so long without eating so I wouldn't loose my high that I was never hungry and one of the major side effects of this antidepressant is a ravenous appetite. It also helps with my anxiety which is good because of...
2. Valium 17.5 mgs daily-10 in am 7.5 in pm.
3. Suboxone 4mgs daily with the valium.
I was feeling ok up until a few days ago and I started to notice a nagging feeling that was so small I barely noticed it. Well the feeling didn't go away so I paid some attention to what it may be, and sure enough as soon as I gave it some thought it was so familiar to me I knew exactly what it was. Benzo cravings definitely.
Why this just now started happening I have no idea but I can garauntee ill be up tomorrow night researching this as I'm exhausted and going to bed before midnight hopefully. But I started tapering at 60mgs a day and with each drop in dose I haven't felt any cravings or withdrawals. Even when I went from 20 to 17.5 I was ok. Now a week later I'm starting to crave? I know that I'm not going to use or do anything stupid and I'm sure that I'll adjust given time, but I must admit to being somewhat disheartened by the fact that this sets in now when I was ok before. I am also having issues with my energy level, it has dropped over the last two days and I don't know why I'm not having more energy because everyone I know takes benzodiazepines to chill. I can't even get myself out of bed until at least 10 mgs has kicked in.
I am still so excited to have a new sober life and not have the problems with using that everyone has. I just don't know what to do about my energy level it is a little depressing actually. And I haven't even started on the sub yet.
Anyway hopefully someone has had some similar experience and can offer advice. I'm going to talk to my doctor next week but I'd like to have some pep in my step before then.

So I've been home now for several hours but I have been thinking about posting this or not as it really is embarrassing. But just in case anyone else has had this happen to them I want them to know what my problem was.
Shortly after posting this last night I got up to take a shower and go to bed. As I stated I had been feeling lethargic and had a general lack of energy. I guess I should have told someone how severely bad I was feeling, but I'm so used to feeling either great or horrible I thought nothing of it.
Anyway I passed out in the shower and again I was taken to the hospital. Of course the people at the hospital thought I had been using given my history but when my blood came back it proved them wrong. I was low on iron, potassium, and b1.
I know that I haven't had a good appetite since I started tapering off of the valium but I didn't know I had been eating that poorly. Anyway they gave me fluids and what they called a "bannana bag" through an iv. I feel fine now and was sent home with instructions to take plenty of fluids, and eat well and was given a prescription for a multivitamin which I'm not going to fill. I'll just get it OTC same stuff just cheaper.
This is something I am going to be keeping a close eye on as the Remeron I have been taking has made me gain weight! So how could I be this malnurished, also I was just yesterday, all day in fact working in my garden. So I'm wondering if there's more to this than just a lack of vital nutrients or it also has alot to do with the fact that I don't have massive amounts of benzodiazepines floating around in my blood (massive for me and my tolerance anyway).
But anyway I do feel back to normal except for that nagging craving. But that's to be expected I guess. Still wondering why it took so long to hit me though. But I've ordered a book by Dr Heather Ashton on Amazon on benzodiazepine withdrawal and I should have it tomorrow so I am going to educate myself on this topic as much as possible and hopefully head off anymore surprises and trips to the hospital because it really is getting embarrassing.

Congratulations my friend,i am so happy for you and very proud of you.So the benzo craving i would say is your brain chemistry finally acknowledged something is different and it is looking for what it has become a custom to...Stay Strong you can do this.The energy or lack thereof is your body making adjustments to the altered dose.It makes sense your brain is craving and now sending information to your body and both are looking for what it has become a custom to,not only does it make sense but i have actually been through the same stages.In my case i lost energy for month's up until your body fully get's sober and at that time it will feel weak for roughly a month and then the energy level will start to climb and before long sleep becomes almost impossible to get at least in my case and that's when another battle starts,learning to maintain your life completely sober with or without sleep.It's tough i must admit and at times i get very discouraged and all i can really add to that is it all takes time but it's all worth it.Again i'm proud of you man i knew you could do it.

Ok this is great! I meen I'm sorry that you're in the same boat but at least somebody that can relate to what I'm saying.
I'm so freaking angry that the doctors at the hospital told me that the lack of energy isn't from the lack of benzodiazepines as all they do is make you relaxed. And if I was really taking the doses that I said I was taking then I would be wired because I am not taking downers at that level anymore.
The nurse didn't even believe that I was taking what I told her that I was taking because I was she said and I quote "still conscious and not brain dead"! When I showed her my prescription bottle she refused to admit she was wrong and said it was a misprint.
Anyway back on track...why is it that I have zero energy when I get up in the morning? I roll over take the 10 mgs of diazepam and wait about 45 minutes then I fell ready to get up and go take a shower and start my day.
I'm being honest when I say that it's just plain foolish for me to even attempt to start my morning without a 10 mg valium and a 2 mg Suboxone, they give me energy.
But I know for a fact that that's enough to put someone else in the hospital for respiratory arrest. Its like downers are uppers for me now.
I don't understand that part at all. But I do feel that having cravings meens that I'm finally in the home stretch as far as getting off.

It gives you energy because your internal organs have become addicted and infact function properly with the narcotics so as you taper down your organs struggle to remember how to function on their own so when you take that 10mg dose as it gets to your organs they start functioning at normal capacity this is why even though your eating your vitamin counts are low,your organs are using more natural nutrients than normal because they are struggling to adapt.It may not make sense and i have no scientific data to confirm what i'm saying but i know this to be true because i have lived through it.In that 27 day detox my liver and kidneys took a big hit and almost quit functioning completely and the hospital told me to allow them to administer pain meds to at least "Trick"them for a day and i said no...i'm lucky to be alive thank you lord but my wife did research and bought all kinds of veg and fruit drinks(Natural) that had nutrients specifically for my liver and kidney function and by the grace of God it gave me just enough to be a live and take my first steps again on day 28...So i know because I've been there

I totally agree with you about the body needing its down time I'm all about some relaxation. I get work done when its time to work but when I can relax I relax.
Notice how you've never heard me say or even mention I have or have had a problem with uppers? because I really do like my down time I'm high strung as it is.
The lack of energy I was feeling was different, it wasn't like just needing to take some time off, that sort of thing. It was like I would be pulling some weeds in my garden and then next thing I know I'm waking up because I fell asleep while I was sitting down.
The explanation that @True concern gave me was spot on that book did come and it explains exactly what he did just with a whole lot more scientific data that I'm constantly having to Google terms to understand.
But I am learning that even though opiates are a real hard thing to overcome( I couldn't think of another word that didn't involve cursing), benzos are way more dangerous to come off of. I thought that they were just more dangerous because of the seizure thing which didn't scare me so much as I have epiplepsy so I'm used to that. No, benzodiazepine addiction causes you're organs to quit on you, just like @True concern said. So there's more than one way for them to kill you or to permanent damage if you don't come off of them properly.
I highly recommend this book its called The Ashton Manual by Dr Heather Ashton. You can find it on Amazon prime or Benzobuddies.org. you can download the pdf version for 27 dollars if you wanna go that route. But for real benzo detox is way more dangerous than I thought. And I thought that it was dangerous already.

But this book will help you custom tailor a detox plan to your body size, weight, amount and type of benzo you are on it really is worth the money. $37 Fed ex overnight delivery.

You're dead on about your organs quitting. I'm reading this book and sounds like without those natural supplements your wife was bringing you things might not have turned out so well for you. I'm glad you made it. 27 days I just can't imagine that.

Ya my wife is a special person for sure and i totally agree with @Dominica sometimes it is important to just rest up as the body and mind definitely need that especially when going through something like detox.I only share when i have personal experience with the topic and even then it makes me feel like an asshole because it confirms that i have lived a very wreckless life and the only thing i get from sharing is i can take my bad experiences and try to help someone with them but still sometimes I feel like an asshole

Maybe you were an asshole-past tense-but that's in the past. Present tense, in the now, @True concern is definitely not an asshole. And personally I'm glad to be able to say a friend of mine. As I have very few real friends.

Thank you josh and i to am happy to call you my friend.Let me explain why it makes me feel like an asshole.Well i guess it's pretty simple addiction is the one thing i understand very well and what a shitty reason to be able to understand it"personal experience" it's the one thing i'm very knowledgeable in and it's the most destructive thing a person could do with their life.I'm glad i can take what i know and try to help and at the same time i read what i type and feel shame for the life I've lived.It's definitely not easy allowing emotions to be there,i only have roughly 5 month's of my life that i can remember clearly and in that time frame i have felt so many emotions..some good some bad..and prior to this 5 month's i didn't feel,"regret,sadness,"there are more but those are the 2 i have drank away for ever and to allow them to affect me is different and hard but i accept that because i can't live the way i was,i just won't.

Feelings are coming back to me also and they are a real b**ch. I got to thinking about what I said about drinking and that the only reason I kept doing it was so as to not get sick. And that is true. I don't believe I've said anything ever since I started talking to everyone one this site that wasn't the truth as I knew it. But later I was facing the delima that what if other drugs were not available for me to drown my sorrows in. Maybe I would have drank then because I didn't want to have bad emotional experiences and then I wouldn't be drinking for purely physical reasons. Here in a few minutes I'm going to go outside and work in my garden some. It really doesn't need work, but I'm bored and my head is not a good place to be when I'm idle. So I get it man I really do but as you always say...Stay Strong!

I can't take credit for knowing benzodiazepines cause your organs to shut down because i didn't know that,i was talking about your organs and how Opiates work on them.The more i think about it those 27 days i was assuming my detox was so bad just because of the Oxycontin use but after reading your reply it got me thinking and at that time i was drinking alot,taking alot of xanax,and abusing oxycontin and when i was told i had a month to live at best they were looking at blood test results and when they said that and even up until i read your reply i was only thinking that it was all the oxycontin they were referring to but no it wasn't they were also seeing the xanax and alcohol...Even more reason to be grateful i survived because when i told my wife i might not live and i quit cold turkey i also didn't drink and i didn't take any xanax so i detoxed from all 3 at the same time.Wow i feel like an idiot.Anyways thank you josh for your post as it got me thinking really hard to try and understand better and though i guess i could have taken credit for knowing about benzodiazepines I'm just not that person any more so i want to stay honest and just had to let you know.

Yeah, I gotta process this a while. I don't think that I can imagine the kind of hell that detox was.
When I told about the time I was on life support once, that wasn't from an O/D. That was because I ran out and the Dr I was also getting my own script from got arrested, the same week my dope girl at the time got busted. Talk about bad luck. Anyway yeah I was taking xannies at the time and drinking. That was around the time they told me my kidneys were shutting down. I say it was bad luck, it might have actually been a blessing in disguise and saved my life.

That was also around the time when everyone with a headache had been to the doctor and had a prescription for the green oxycontin 80mgs.

How odd...That's the medical problem i was having when i got my oxycontin 80's and my headaches are intense but they have been in remission for about 14 month's since i took LSD as an alternative treatment and it worked.I hated the trip and only tried it after it was researched and it worked unreal

You know i can't even take credit for that 27 day detox considering what it took to get me there,it was absolutely the most painful agonizing thing i have ever gone through in my life.The first 2 week's i didn't sleep much and the first 11 day's i didn't sleep at all and i wasn't on meth my body felt like it was ripping apart all my muscles cramped none stop my internal organs were shutting down i was literally dieing...and the only thing's that kept me focused on the goal of detox was not even getting my life back it was the love for my wife and wanting to be buried drug free and finally sober.Those are the only 2 thing's that mattered at that time,i just wanted to be sober when i died...Ya I have lived a very destructive life and i have really affected alot of people who i love in the worst ways.I don't know what to think of day's like today,a very emotional day for me and i have no control over them anymore but i guess I have to learn how to feel and i must figure out how to push forward and i do but there is nothing easy about it