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On the edge of a cliff

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Doublelife, Dec 5, 2018.

  1. Doublelife

    Doublelife Member

    Sorry in advance for the language.

    Hi, I'm new to this forum and I guess I'm posting because I feel like I've been standing on the edge of a cliff for a long time and I'm finally teetering towards completely falling off and fucking up my life... Heres a snapshot of my story:

    I'm 27 and I've been doing drugs of all kinds since I was 12 years old. I have had a really hard life and using drugs have always been my coping mechanism for the trauma I've experienced.

    In my early twenties, I used to get so fucked up mixing uppers and downers that I would black out and have seizures. I had such disregard for my life that drugs always came first, **** if it killed me.

    When I was 23, I quit everything and did a complete 180 with my life. I didn't need detox or rehab or meeting. I just woke up one day and had enough of being a failure. I quit everything cold turkey--except for coke. I never saw coke as a problem because I never wanted it unless I was partying and it just made partying more fun; it wasn't like I needed it.

    That completely changed a couple of years ago after my long-term boyfriend cheated on me. Then, a few weeks after that, I was sexually assaulted by two guys and I haven't been the same since. It wasn't even the first time I've been assaulted or even the most violent but it broke my soul.

    Shortly after that, I got into an extremely mentally/emotionally abusive relationship. We were together for about a year and a half and the using just got worse from there.

    I finally left him a few months ago and I thought I would have bounced back by now like I always do... but, I do coke now more than ever in my 10 years of doing it. I used to get a half and be able to make that last for a weekend and now I get a gram 3-4 times a week ($340-$420) and that amount only lasts me 2-3 hours.

    While all this drama and chaos has been going on, I've somehow managed to finish my grade 12, graduate from a university program, begin a career working in real estate law for the past 2 years, and purchase my first home a couple months ago.

    I have so much on the line yet I spend more than I make just to do coke. I've wracked up my credit cards to the point where I have no idea how I'll manage to pay them off. I go to work on two hours or less of sleep and my performance is slipping. This makes me so disappointed in myself because I have worked so fucking hard to get to where I am now and build a life and be "successful".

    I'm dangerously close to losing it all because of coke: The party drug; the drug I was always able to say no to because it's only fun at a party; the drug I never thought I'd have a problem with because if I could quit oxys cold turkey I could quit anything. Now, I fucking do it by myself and don't even enjoy it anymore but I have a need for it that I've never had with anything before.

    I know that my spiralling out of control has to do with the constant traumatic events that keep happening to me and I'm starting to think I somehow ask for it or deserve it...

    I need to figure out methods to quit (without rehab) before I lose everything.

    I hope someone here can relate and maybe give some advice...

    Thanks for taking the time to read this.
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2018
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Doublelife hey there. welcome!

    sounds like you're at your rock bottom, or close to it, and glad to hear you want to stop using.

    what about outpatient treatment? you can attend a certain amount of sessions per week, and then decrease as you need. can be very helpful!! call your local social services or mental health centers to locate the outpatient services in your area.... and get some information. it sounds like you may need some professional help to make the break here.... AND, while you're going, see about counseling to deal with that awful trauma you've experienced.... as you may know, underneath the addiction, there's almost always some unresolved trauma swimming around...

    contend with that...and the addiction...and you'll be able to start a new and better chapter in your life.

    use the money you'd spend on coke for as much therapy and treatment as you can! i promise you it will make a difference.

    how do you feel about support groups? NA? SMART Recovery?

    know that we are here to support you however we can!
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Doublelife. I'm sorry you're struggling, but I'm happy you found us and reached out. That tells me you want to make a change, and that's a good thing.

    I think Dominica has given you some excellent advice. You can beat your addiction, but you have to be willing to commit to getting clean and--most importantly--do the work required. Wanting to get clean isn't enough. You have to be willing to work hard to get there. Will it be easy? Hell, no. But I can guarantee that it will be worth it. Your life will be happier and healthier. And you will be better off financially, too.

    We are here for you. We will help, support, and listen. And we will never ever judge you. You are not alone and you are safe here. So please use us as one of your tools for recovery.

    Sending you tons of hope and encouragement. You can do this. I know you can.
  4. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    There is absolutely no way that you deserve any of the pain and torture you endured. You are a fucking warrior for going through that ****, and getting sober from everything else? **** YEAH! There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to overcome the coke problem. I relate as I am also 27 with a love for the way cocaine smells. Doesn’t do anything for me except give me serious guilt and an empty wallet. I’m about 7 months clean now after relapsing in February. It’s not easy, but it is possible. You just have to work on it daily and practice self love daily. Something that I can’t anyways seem to do, but I will never give up trying!
    Dominica, True concern and deanokat like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Doublelife First off being abused in any form by someone is never the fault of the abused;In no way did the abused ask for it;And in no way did the abused deserve it;Secondly addiction is a Progressive disease that none of us can control,even a functional addict would have to admit the substance is a trap and causes way more problems than it solves.Yes many people in their young year's think they can control the substance, I am one of them but 20+ year's later I realized I was absolutely trapped and consumed by the chemicals of destruction I had chosen so I did exactly as you have and I just typed it out here,Now about a year later I am just starting to piece normality back together and I will admit it is the hardest thing I have ever done or tried to do but I see now nothing is more important than my life so even though it's hard and depressing at time's I just keep typing and I am still growing as a person but at least I am growing in a positive light instead of a dark room slowly wasting away so that being said I hope you continue to reach out and overtime you will find something that resonates with you and it will help you push yourself back away from the spiral.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Hey, @Doublelife... How are you doing today? Check in with us and let us know, okay? We're here. And we care.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Never stop trying,we are fond of you around here and we will always be in you're corner:)
    lonewolves, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Congrats on that 7 month mark:) I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you
    lonewolves, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  9. Alex

    Alex Member

    I feel the exact same way. I’m pretty much broke and barely get any sleep before work. I do it almost every night now as opposed to a half a weekend when it started. I’m only 23 but I feel like I’ve been doing it my whole life now. Just three years ago I would never touch it but I can hardly remember that now. I wish I had more advice for you but I’m also looking for someone to relate to. Honestly the only thing that we can do is stop, but it’s hard because for me it never feels like m addiction it only ever feels like I WANT to do more. But I guess the only thing you can do is stop. I wish I had better advice. But I guess I’m also looking for advice in this forum
  10. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hey there. Thank you for reaching out. I hear you when you say it doesn't feel like addiction because you want to do it. But since you cannot stop doing this and it is causing you problems, I believe it is an addiction.

    Many times people keep using because they don't like the feeling of withdrawal when they aren't using it. The brain gets used to the drug. The survival part of the brain thinks it will freaking die without it. This all goes on underneath your conscious awareness.

    You don't want to do drugs because they're dangerous and they do cause negative consequences in life. Yeah your brain has become accustomed to getting that dopamine boost (that good feeling) and can overpower your wishes to not use.

    start learning about addiction and Recovery. Have you thought about attending a 12 steps group like narcotics Anonymous? I think you could learn a lot from going and listening to others who might be dealing with some of the same issues you are. At the same time, if you can get to a good therapist, i'm always a firm advocate of therapy.

    You're very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. I know plenty of people in their 40s 50s and 60s will love to tell you to address this now because some of them started at your age and are still using. and well, that's just a sucky way to live life imprisoned to a drug.

    Know that we're here for you and will support you anyway that we can. Don't give up on yourself and don't give up on trying to live a life without drugs. Be honest with yourself and if and when you need help, do whatever it takes to get that help.

    Here if you need.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the forum, @Alex. I'm sorry that you're struggling, but I'm glad you found us and decided to post. That shows me that you have a desire to change your life for the better.

    I think @Dominica has given you some fabulous advice. Educating yourself about addiction, going to support group meetings, seeing a therapist, and finding an addiction specialist to consult would all be good things for you to do.

    Damn. You're so young. My son is 29 and has been struggling on and off with addiction since he was 15. Believe me when I tell you that he regrets his choices something fierce. So I hope you will seriously consider taking the steps necessary to bring some change to your life. I don't want you to end up like my son, who looks back and regrets having thrown away so many years of his life.

    We are here for you, my friend. Anytime you need us.

    Sending you hope, encouragement, and positive energy.
  12. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @Doublelife @Alex besides the groups mentioned, I just heard about cocaine anonymous. Google that to see if there are any in your area.
    deanokat likes this.