Sorry in advance for the language. Hi, I'm new to this forum and I guess I'm posting because I feel like I've been standing on the edge of a cliff for a long time and I'm finally teetering towards completely falling off and fucking up my life... Heres a snapshot of my story: I'm 27 and I've been doing drugs of all kinds since I was 12 years old. I have had a really hard life and using drugs have always been my coping mechanism for the trauma I've experienced. In my early twenties, I used to get so fucked up mixing uppers and downers that I would black out and have seizures. I had such disregard for my life that drugs always came first, **** if it killed me. When I was 23, I quit everything and did a complete 180 with my life. I didn't need detox or rehab or meeting. I just woke up one day and had enough of being a failure. I quit everything cold turkey--except for coke. I never saw coke as a problem because I never wanted it unless I was partying and it just made partying more fun; it wasn't like I needed it. That completely changed a couple of years ago after my long-term boyfriend cheated on me. Then, a few weeks after that, I was sexually assaulted by two guys and I haven't been the same since. It wasn't even the first time I've been assaulted or even the most violent but it broke my soul. Shortly after that, I got into an extremely mentally/emotionally abusive relationship. We were together for about a year and a half and the using just got worse from there. I finally left him a few months ago and I thought I would have bounced back by now like I always do... but, I do coke now more than ever in my 10 years of doing it. I used to get a half and be able to make that last for a weekend and now I get a gram 3-4 times a week ($340-$420) and that amount only lasts me 2-3 hours. While all this drama and chaos has been going on, I've somehow managed to finish my grade 12, graduate from a university program, begin a career working in real estate law for the past 2 years, and purchase my first home a couple months ago. I have so much on the line yet I spend more than I make just to do coke. I've wracked up my credit cards to the point where I have no idea how I'll manage to pay them off. I go to work on two hours or less of sleep and my performance is slipping. This makes me so disappointed in myself because I have worked so fucking hard to get to where I am now and build a life and be "successful". I'm dangerously close to losing it all because of coke: The party drug; the drug I was always able to say no to because it's only fun at a party; the drug I never thought I'd have a problem with because if I could quit oxys cold turkey I could quit anything. Now, I fucking do it by myself and don't even enjoy it anymore but I have a need for it that I've never had with anything before. I know that my spiralling out of control has to do with the constant traumatic events that keep happening to me and I'm starting to think I somehow ask for it or deserve it... I need to figure out methods to quit (without rehab) before I lose everything. I hope someone here can relate and maybe give some advice... Thanks for taking the time to read this.