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On the edge of a cliff

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Doublelife, Dec 5, 2018.

  1. Doublelife

    Doublelife Member

    Sorry in advance for the language.

    Hi, I'm new to this forum and I guess I'm posting because I feel like I've been standing on the edge of a cliff for a long time and I'm finally teetering towards completely falling off and fucking up my life... Heres a snapshot of my story:

    I'm 27 and I've been doing drugs of all kinds since I was 12 years old. I have had a really hard life and using drugs have always been my coping mechanism for the trauma I've experienced.

    In my early twenties, I used to get so fucked up mixing uppers and downers that I would black out and have seizures. I had such disregard for my life that drugs always came first, **** if it killed me.

    When I was 23, I quit everything and did a complete 180 with my life. I didn't need detox or rehab or meeting. I just woke up one day and had enough of being a failure. I quit everything cold turkey--except for coke. I never saw coke as a problem because I never wanted it unless I was partying and it just made partying more fun; it wasn't like I needed it.

    That completely changed a couple of years ago after my long-term boyfriend cheated on me. Then, a few weeks after that, I was sexually assaulted by two guys and I haven't been the same since. It wasn't even the first time I've been assaulted or even the most violent but it broke my soul.

    Shortly after that, I got into an extremely mentally/emotionally abusive relationship. We were together for about a year and a half and the using just got worse from there.

    I finally left him a few months ago and I thought I would have bounced back by now like I always do... but, I do coke now more than ever in my 10 years of doing it. I used to get a half and be able to make that last for a weekend and now I get a gram 3-4 times a week ($340-$420) and that amount only lasts me 2-3 hours.

    While all this drama and chaos has been going on, I've somehow managed to finish my grade 12, graduate from a university program, begin a career working in real estate law for the past 2 years, and purchase my first home a couple months ago.

    I have so much on the line yet I spend more than I make just to do coke. I've wracked up my credit cards to the point where I have no idea how I'll manage to pay them off. I go to work on two hours or less of sleep and my performance is slipping. This makes me so disappointed in myself because I have worked so fucking hard to get to where I am now and build a life and be "successful".

    I'm dangerously close to losing it all because of coke: The party drug; the drug I was always able to say no to because it's only fun at a party; the drug I never thought I'd have a problem with because if I could quit oxys cold turkey I could quit anything. Now, I fucking do it by myself and don't even enjoy it anymore but I have a need for it that I've never had with anything before.

    I know that my spiralling out of control has to do with the constant traumatic events that keep happening to me and I'm starting to think I somehow ask for it or deserve it...

    I need to figure out methods to quit (without rehab) before I lose everything.

    I hope someone here can relate and maybe give some advice...

    Thanks for taking the time to read this.
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2018
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Doublelife hey there. welcome!

    sounds like you're at your rock bottom, or close to it, and glad to hear you want to stop using.

    what about outpatient treatment? you can attend a certain amount of sessions per week, and then decrease as you need. can be very helpful!! call your local social services or mental health centers to locate the outpatient services in your area.... and get some information. it sounds like you may need some professional help to make the break here.... AND, while you're going, see about counseling to deal with that awful trauma you've experienced.... as you may know, underneath the addiction, there's almost always some unresolved trauma swimming around...

    contend with that...and the addiction...and you'll be able to start a new and better chapter in your life.

    use the money you'd spend on coke for as much therapy and treatment as you can! i promise you it will make a difference.

    how do you feel about support groups? NA? SMART Recovery?

    know that we are here to support you however we can!
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Doublelife. I'm sorry you're struggling, but I'm happy you found us and reached out. That tells me you want to make a change, and that's a good thing.

    I think Dominica has given you some excellent advice. You can beat your addiction, but you have to be willing to commit to getting clean and--most importantly--do the work required. Wanting to get clean isn't enough. You have to be willing to work hard to get there. Will it be easy? Hell, no. But I can guarantee that it will be worth it. Your life will be happier and healthier. And you will be better off financially, too.

    We are here for you. We will help, support, and listen. And we will never ever judge you. You are not alone and you are safe here. So please use us as one of your tools for recovery.

    Sending you tons of hope and encouragement. You can do this. I know you can.
  4. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    There is absolutely no way that you deserve any of the pain and torture you endured. You are a fucking warrior for going through that ****, and getting sober from everything else? **** YEAH! There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to overcome the coke problem. I relate as I am also 27 with a love for the way cocaine smells. Doesn’t do anything for me except give me serious guilt and an empty wallet. I’m about 7 months clean now after relapsing in February. It’s not easy, but it is possible. You just have to work on it daily and practice self love daily. Something that I can’t anyways seem to do, but I will never give up trying!
    Dominica, True concern and deanokat like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Doublelife First off being abused in any form by someone is never the fault of the abused;In no way did the abused ask for it;And in no way did the abused deserve it;Secondly addiction is a Progressive disease that none of us can control,even a functional addict would have to admit the substance is a trap and causes way more problems than it solves.Yes many people in their young year's think they can control the substance, I am one of them but 20+ year's later I realized I was absolutely trapped and consumed by the chemicals of destruction I had chosen so I did exactly as you have and I just typed it out here,Now about a year later I am just starting to piece normality back together and I will admit it is the hardest thing I have ever done or tried to do but I see now nothing is more important than my life so even though it's hard and depressing at time's I just keep typing and I am still growing as a person but at least I am growing in a positive light instead of a dark room slowly wasting away so that being said I hope you continue to reach out and overtime you will find something that resonates with you and it will help you push yourself back away from the spiral.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Hey, @Doublelife... How are you doing today? Check in with us and let us know, okay? We're here. And we care.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Never stop trying,we are fond of you around here and we will always be in you're corner:)
    lonewolves, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Congrats on that 7 month mark:) I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you
    lonewolves, deanokat and Dominica like this.