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On the verge of dropping out of college.

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Lex, Oct 7, 2018.

  1. Lex

    Lex Member

    18. Male.
    Come Tuesday, I might go to the office and ask for the papers to drop out. I'm stuck in a deep hole, and I don't see a way out. I'm a band sponsored student, meaning I have coverage from a First Nations band. College is free to me. And I feel as though I'm wasting away this opportunity. I was accepted because of my marks, portfolio, and an essay I wrote to gain entrance, but I just don't feel motivated at all. I'm struggling with MDD, GAD, OCD, and C-PTSD (from being abused physically, verbally, and emotionally from infancy until my early teens, when my abuser left saying they could never be happy with me in their life).

    I turned to drugs, including alcohol, to self-medicate, and to escape. If I got pissed off, I'd take drugs, drink, and leave the house. If I was in a depressive episode, I'd turn to drugs that would lift my mood. But then this would cause my anxiety to spike, leaving me in a state of panic and sometimes even severe panic attacks that would last throughout the night. To deal with the excess energy and the panic, I'd often just leave the house (when I was staying with relatives that I hated) and end up getting myself into trouble. Public intoxication. Vandalism. Trespassing. Going out with my friends, no one would know where I was, and just looking for a thrill. An adrenaline rush to escape.

    I'm stuck in a cycle of taking uppers to get through the day and to give me a mood boost, and then taking downers to come back down, and if necessary, to take me out of the panicked headspace I'm in. I can't stop. I say I will, but I keep doing it. Sometimes, it's even the opposite. Take downers all day to get through the stress, and dissociate, and then take uppers to stay up all night and finish assignments. Uppers. Downers. Repeat. Stims. Benzos. Repeat. Speeding. Almost passing out. Repeat.

    I mix substances.

    I feel like this is all too much for me to deal with. On top of dealing with mental illness, and a potential substance abuse problem, I'm dealing with the stress of college, and a very negative "support" system, and abusive family that spreads false rumours about me.

    People have joked about me seeming like I'm on amphetamine. I never tell them that I don't just "seem" like it.

    It makes me feel as though I've failed myself, in a very profound and significant way. I need a way out. I have no way of going to a psychiatrist or therapist right now, which is messing me up even more. The college councillor is an option, but then again, I'm kind of planning to drop out.

    I try to get clean, but it doesn't work out. Something always pulls me back into using. I don't know if I could say I'm a full-blown "addict" at this point, but I think it might be getting to that point.

    I just need some support from somewhere, even if it's an online forum. I can't get any from the people in my life.

    Any advice, or experiences, or even a message from someone who relates in any way whatsoever, is extremely appreciated.

    Thanks to whoever read this much. I'm in a bit of a crisis.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lex... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing your situation with us. I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you're going through, but I'm glad you found us and reached out. I think you've taken the courageous first step toward improving your life.

    You say you have no way of seeing a therapist or psychiatrist right now. Is that because of financial reasons? If so, you could try seeing if there's a local community health center in your area. They can usually provide low-cost or free help for people on a limited budget. There are also some other things you could try, a lot of which are outlined in this article:

    9 Ways to Find Low-Cost and Free Mental Health Services

    I also think seeing the school counselor would be a good thing. Even if you end up dropping out, they may be able to help you in the meantime, or refer you to another place that could help you. It's definitely worth a shot.

    If you have the financial means, seeing an addiction specialist might be a great thing for you, too. They can assess your situation and recommend the best next steps for you. If that's not an option, though, you could try going to NA, AA, or SMART Recovery meetings. There's a lot of support and comfort to be found at those meetings, from people who have a lot of experience with substance use/abuse.

    Let me make one thing perfectly clear: You have NOT failed yourself. You've been through a lot and you've tried to escape the negative experiences you've had by self-medicating. You are not a bad person; you've just been dealt a difficult situation. But I want you to know that you can find your way out of this tough spot and find a better way of life for yourself.

    For what it's worth, I actually think that leaving school in order to get your physical and mental health in order might not be a bad idea. Your well-being is the most important thing, for sure. You can always go back to college when you're feeling more up to it.

    One last thing... Do you live in the United States? If so, there are possible options for low-cost or no-cost treatment for your drug problem. Let me know, okay? If you're in the U.S., I can give you information on where you might be able to find that assistance.

    You can get better, my friend. I know you can. And we will help you on your journey if you'd like. You can ask us for help or advice, or just come here to talk or vent. That's what we're here for. And we truly care.

    I'm sending you lots of positive energy, hope, and encouragement. I know you feel like you're in a no-win situation, but that's not true. You CAN overcome this!!
    True concern and Lex like this.