18. Male. Come Tuesday, I might go to the office and ask for the papers to drop out. I'm stuck in a deep hole, and I don't see a way out. I'm a band sponsored student, meaning I have coverage from a First Nations band. College is free to me. And I feel as though I'm wasting away this opportunity. I was accepted because of my marks, portfolio, and an essay I wrote to gain entrance, but I just don't feel motivated at all. I'm struggling with MDD, GAD, OCD, and C-PTSD (from being abused physically, verbally, and emotionally from infancy until my early teens, when my abuser left saying they could never be happy with me in their life). I turned to drugs, including alcohol, to self-medicate, and to escape. If I got pissed off, I'd take drugs, drink, and leave the house. If I was in a depressive episode, I'd turn to drugs that would lift my mood. But then this would cause my anxiety to spike, leaving me in a state of panic and sometimes even severe panic attacks that would last throughout the night. To deal with the excess energy and the panic, I'd often just leave the house (when I was staying with relatives that I hated) and end up getting myself into trouble. Public intoxication. Vandalism. Trespassing. Going out with my friends, no one would know where I was, and just looking for a thrill. An adrenaline rush to escape. I'm stuck in a cycle of taking uppers to get through the day and to give me a mood boost, and then taking downers to come back down, and if necessary, to take me out of the panicked headspace I'm in. I can't stop. I say I will, but I keep doing it. Sometimes, it's even the opposite. Take downers all day to get through the stress, and dissociate, and then take uppers to stay up all night and finish assignments. Uppers. Downers. Repeat. Stims. Benzos. Repeat. Speeding. Almost passing out. Repeat. I mix substances. I feel like this is all too much for me to deal with. On top of dealing with mental illness, and a potential substance abuse problem, I'm dealing with the stress of college, and a very negative "support" system, and abusive family that spreads false rumours about me. People have joked about me seeming like I'm on amphetamine. I never tell them that I don't just "seem" like it. It makes me feel as though I've failed myself, in a very profound and significant way. I need a way out. I have no way of going to a psychiatrist or therapist right now, which is messing me up even more. The college councillor is an option, but then again, I'm kind of planning to drop out. I try to get clean, but it doesn't work out. Something always pulls me back into using. I don't know if I could say I'm a full-blown "addict" at this point, but I think it might be getting to that point. I just need some support from somewhere, even if it's an online forum. I can't get any from the people in my life. Any advice, or experiences, or even a message from someone who relates in any way whatsoever, is extremely appreciated. Thanks to whoever read this much. I'm in a bit of a crisis.