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One of those days

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by kana_marie, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    Since I got clean I have a certain kind of bad day. I start thinking about everything I did the day before. I can't believe I said what I said or did what I did. When I look at it rationally, I did nothing wrong. When I ask people they tell me I did nothing wrong. But I can't shake this feeling. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does I go out of my mind with anxiety. It feels exactly like it did when I was messed up all the time. Those rare moments of sobriety would cause me to panic like this. Then I would take a drink or a pill and be fine. That isn't really an option anymore. Tomorrow this will have passed and I'll call myself silly. But today I can't bring myself to talk to anyone, and if I'm forced to I'm really short with them. I want to hide from the entire world today. I'm hoping by talking about it here will help it ease up a little bit. Thank you for letting me vent!
    Clairelouise84 and fagoot1 like this.
  2. TripleD123

    TripleD123 Community Champion

    I go through this sometimes so I know exactly what you are talking about. I compare the feeling to one time when I sent an email about someone (it was not a nice email) ACCIDENTALLY to the person the email was about. It couldn't undo what I had done or said and the lady got it and I literally felt pain from the embarrassment and guilt. I couldn't get the thought out of my head about how stupid I was for doing something so hurtful and foolish. I feel that way sometimes with everyday conversations and situations. Why did I say that? Why did I act that way? Why am I so stupid?

    So when my mind starts racing I have taught myself to close my eyes & visualize an open book. I tell myself to then close that book and move on. Its written in the past and even if it was stupid it is done with. That's my tip for you. Close the book. :)
  3. juno

    juno Community Champion

    I hop you have been able to ease your day. It will pass and tomorrow is a new day. We all have our moments and bad days and some of us ruminate over situations more than others. Letting go is a learning process and part of recovery. When you are able to let go of little things it will be better.
  4. PrideKidd

    PrideKidd Active Contributor

    You can vent here anytime you like! That is what we are here for. :) i can understand in my own way of the days you are talking about. Those days where you want to bury your head in the sand and just wait until the day passes. Being short with people I understand as well. There are just some days where I can not be around many people other than my family. Letting go is a hard process so take it one step at a time instead of trying to tackle it all at once. :) I know having someone to talk to really helps so if you need us then post away, I know this and the Recovery forums really help when overcoming addiction.
  5. I have days like this as well. I think that all people have days where they regret something that they do or say. I try not let my bad days bother me because I have a lot more good days than bad days. I remember when I was drinking I could never remember what I did the night before, and at least now I remember the dumb things that I do or say. I can correct my mistakes the next day instead of having to ask someone else if I did anything wrong. Try not worry, things always seem better in the morning.
  6. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Surely, there will come a day that you will overcome all these anxiety issues and alcohol/pill dependency. It's nice to know that you are being positive about everything. Just take your time.
  7. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    It's all right. Even people who don't need to get clean occasional feel sudden gusts of angstiness. Even teenagers who have all the support they want in the world feel the need to rebel just because they're at a point in their lives where they cannot fully grasp their role in society. This too shall pass. Rest assured. For now, perhaps a totally entertaining movie or book would be good for you. Keep moving forward!
  8. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    "This too shall pass" is one of my favorite quotes. Sometimes I forget it, though. I feel a little silly about all the freaking out yesterday, but I knew I would. I also know its going to happen again. I just really have to learn to "close the book" on it. I like that idea, @TripleD123. I'm going to try that next time, for sure!
    anne16 likes this.
  9. E.Mil

    E.Mil Community Champion

    I think when this happens, you haven't forgiven yourself completely. When we forgive ourselves for the things we have done in life, we begin to feel more free and we're able to keep moving in life instead of letting our past hold us back.
    kana_marie likes this.
  10. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    We should not live our life to what had happened in our past. Just bear in mind that during those days and the bad moments that you had experienced will serve as lessons for you to move on and change your life for the better. Don't hide yourself from the entire world like what you had said. Learn to reach out to your family, friends and other people you know that might help you in your recovery. There are still many days for tomorrow and you can always count on them.
    kana_marie likes this.
  11. missbishi

    missbishi Community Champion

    Do you know what is making you doubt yourself so much? If you can work on this, you might find that these feelings diminish. There's no shame in wanting to hide though - we all need some downtime when things get too much. It's like a coping strategy.
    kana_marie likes this.
  12. medievalmama

    medievalmama Community Listener Community Listener

    A couple things came to mind from this post. The main thing for me is talking to the person involved. I call it a "reality check." Some times I do need to make an amends for something I did or said, and the sooner the better. Some times I'll talk to the person I felt bad about, and often I'll realize that I'm OK. Some times I'm feeling over-responsible for something, and have to realize that I'm just not that important.

    The other things is using something I did wrong as a catalyst for growth. Was there something specific I did, like gossip? If I notice this is a regular habit, what can I do to change? If in a 12-step program, I can talk to my sponsor and look at steps 6 and 7 which address my character defects. The main thing is realizing that we are not god, we are not perfect. Be gentle with yourself when you feel vulnerable. As long as you don't pick up, everything will be OK.
    kana_marie likes this.
  13. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    Typically I don't even know who I'm worried about. I ask my husband if he knows of anyone I offended or made mad and he'll assure me I have nothing to worry about. He's gotten so used to it that he even give it a name, lol. After he assures me I just think there's something he doesn't know about and continue my anxiety attack on my own.
  14. medievalmama

    medievalmama Community Listener Community Listener

    @kana_marie , that does sound difficult. I hope I didn't sound judgmental. Have you sought "outside help?" My daughter has anxiety attacks. I did not understand until we took her to talk to someone. She takes medication and sees a counselor and it is helping tremendously. There are also natural remedies which can also relieve anxiety.

    I know that when I got sober I had a lot of unresolved "issues." I don't know how long you've been clean, but it took me years until I felt comfortable in my own skin. I had 5 or 6 years sober when I 'hit a wall' and found it necessary to seek help. And this was after having worked a 12-step program and being involved with that program (which I still am). I can tell you that today I do have peace of mind. Please remember that "feelings aren't facts." I know that is easier said than done. I pray that you find relief and can feel the joy and serenity that recovery can bring.
  15. Strykstar

    Strykstar Active Contributor

    While it is nice that you are aware that you might have done something wrong, be aware that everyone does things that are wrong, things that we regret, and things that we are embarrassed of.
    Everyone has these fears, and there is no need to fall into addiction to overcome them, just accept them as a natural thing.
  16. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    @medievalmamma. No, you've never sounded judgmental! I'm 3 years sober and I have been on medication since I quit. Actually, the meds helped me quit. But I still have them. I don't know what causes them, and I haven't found a cure... Or even real relief. But I may be useless that one day, but I always snap back the next day.
  17. mibi

    mibi Member

    We all go through this sometimes, some days are worse than others that why we are all here for support. Stay clean and have hope, trust me I know it is easier said than done but don't lose faith. We have to try our best to hold each other up in time of need. Best wishes.
    kana_marie likes this.
  18. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    I think you are just anxious of messing up like you did before, so you over-analyze things. Like what you said, it will pass, so just try to not let it bother you. I think after a year or two you will not feel that feeling again.
    kana_marie likes this.
  19. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    Thank you! I just hope I can help someone as much as everyone on here has helped me. This forum and the people in it have become my saving grace!
  20. Zyni

    Zyni Community Champion

    This is true, for me at least. I find myself being overwrought with false guilt, because I'm guilt tripping myself for the past. Forgiveness is hard, but it seems that it's often even harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others.

    @kana_marie feel free to vent. That's what support networks are for. :) I hope you're feeling better.