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people making snide remarks about your ast when you are sober

Discussion in 'Sobriety Tips and Inspiration' started by Mockingbird, Dec 26, 2014.

  1. Mockingbird

    Mockingbird Member

    How do you deal with people that make snide remarks about you and your past. Twice now I have been in the situation where someone has said something derogatory about my past. When I was young I partied, that was thirty years ago and I have been sober since.

    In both cases it was said to a stranger that was just meeting everyone. I felt it was unfair and that the person that said it had no right talking about something from long ago. how do you handle things like this?
  2. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    I usually just let it go or I try and not to speak to those people anymore. I realize I can't change their behavior and I also try to be aware that it's probably what drove me to my bad habits in the first place, so I say just accept it or move on because I'd only end up messing up my own head if I let it get to me.
  3. Victor Leigh

    Victor Leigh Member

    People who wants to make you look bad will find all kinds to excuses to do that. Even if you have a squeaky clean past, they will still be able to make snide remarks about you. The main thing is to remind yourself that you know who you are and you know that what your worth is. So what if you had a less than unblemished past? You are now here at this point in your life and you are going to make a success of the rest of your life.
  4. downsouth

    downsouth Active Contributor

    Everybody is talked about at some point behind their back in a negative manner. I have found out relatives I truly cared about doing it about me. Some were out right lies even. I was stunned and hurt. But you know what f*ck them. You do what you have to do. I have found when I do something positive or inspirational nobody says a word, but if I make one small mistake it becomes daily gossip of certain family members. I honestly feel sorry for them. At first I felt like returning the favor as I know stuff about them that is actually true and if spread around would embarrass them greatly but why sink to their level. And these are 3-4 relatives doing this. I just avoid them and stay in touch with the good people in my family. Same goes for friends.
  5. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Sometimes it is good to put that person and their snide remarks about you in their place. Try agreeing with those about your past behavior to their face but remind them that 'Yeah, that's all behind me now." It will be difficult for them to come back at you with anything other than an apology.
  6. Matthodge1

    Matthodge1 Community Champion

    I feel like the only way to truly settle this predicament is to talk to the person who keeps saying these things. Speak to them alone, with no one else around. Tell them how irritating that this is and just tell them to knock it off immediately. I understand where you are coming from as the past is brought up frequently whenever I meet someone for the first time, especially around family.
  7. NikkiDesrosiers

    NikkiDesrosiers Senior Contributor

    This is bound to happen - especially when people have no idea what you are going through. The best way to combat this is to be open. When you hear a remark - turn and confront them and politely tell them why they are wrong. This will usually both embarrass them and stop the abuse.
    MrsJones likes this.
  8. Victor Leigh

    Victor Leigh Member

    I think the best reply to people who make snide remarks about you when you are sober is to give them a warm smile, a warm handshake and say, with warmth, "Thank you". That should make them step back a few steps and think many times before doing the same thing again.
    MrsJones likes this.
  9. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Another thing, people who make snide remarks need to know that their support is welcomed by you anytime. If you feel uncomfortable doing any of these things that have been suggested that's okay too. Just come to expect the snide remarks to continue but don't let it get to you in a way that will make you falter in your recovery.
  10. amethyst

    amethyst Community Champion

    I agree with Victor Leigh, smile and agree with whatever they think they know. I don't know about shaking their hand, I wouldn't go that far, but I would definitely keep everything friendly and open, because the past is the past. Those who can't let go of it, aren't fully alive.
  11. JoshPosh

    JoshPosh Community Champion

    To be honest, I am a straight forward kind of guy. I tell them up front and center to shut the hell up. That's just the kind of person I am. People like to talk down on other people, so that they can feel better about themselves. I understand. So I throw it back in their faces. I am a heavier set guy and formidable looking so I can get away with it without any back lashes. But I'm always firm about protecting myself from rumors and back talking.
    Gelsemium likes this.
  12. ZackeyMane

    ZackeyMane Member

    This is incredibly good advice. Don't let them get you down, there will always be people who can only cope by putting their own hard feelings onto others. Stay well.
  13. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Everyone has a past. And a host of mistakes which they made which shouldn't be forgotten because you learn something from them. Should someone try to sully your name by bringing up your past indiscretions then just tell the audience to learn from your mistakes or find themselves in worse straits. This would transform what should have embarrassed you into something entirely different — a cautionary tale.
  14. muthoni

    muthoni Active Contributor

    I will just agree that I had a problem and tell the stranger that it took a lot of hard work for me to overcome the problem. I tell people about my drinking past because I realized that it was an illness. I am so thankful today to be clean; I appreciate every day I wake up without the desire to pick up that bottle. Anyone can say what they want; it will not bother me one bit. Enjoy your life today as best as you can. Let them be left behind digging up your past.
  15. Gelsemium

    Gelsemium Community Champion

    Pretty much, if someone is acting superior or just saying bs we should not shut up, but instead answer on the spot and the problem will be solved right there.
  16. Victor Leigh

    Victor Leigh Member

    What actually happens is something like what happens on a see-saw. When you are up, the other person is down. So he puts you down, so that he will feel that he is up. This is common among people with very low self-esteem. They do not value themselves that much. They are not even doing anything to improve themselves. So they justify their situation by bringing others down to their level.
  17. petesede

    petesede Active Contributor

    If it happens frequently and it bothers you, just have a prepared joke. For instance, in that situation, I would say ´ We all do stupid things when we are young, thankfully I grew out of it´. And it really is the truth. You don´t have to be ashamed about who you were 30 years ago, just make sure you and they know that you are not the same person today.
  18. missbishi

    missbishi Community Champion

    If all these people have to talk about is snide comments and meaningless gossip, it says an awful lot more about them than it does about you!
  19. Tournique

    Tournique Senior Contributor

    This happens to the time because people are rude and evil. You must be prepared to take those snide remarks and accept them as the rude behavior of other people. When you get down and get affected by these remarks, they have won.
  20. Mockingbird

    Mockingbird Member

    Initially my feeling is that people that are snide and say demeaning things about someone in recovery are actually toxic and probably should be avoided, what sort of person kicks another when they are down anyway? I have a sense of humor and try to make light of it all but deep inside I sort of feel I don't want to be around anyone that don't want to accept me like I am TODAY. I mean after all when I was a baby I wet my pants, does that still mean I wet my pants today? Setting good boundaries should be a part of my recovery right?