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Picking my battles....

Discussion in 'Methamphetamine / Meth' started by Storyofmylife, Aug 26, 2017.

  1. Storyofmylife

    Storyofmylife Member

    I'm new to this group, and looking for advise. I'm 40 years, and apparently married to a meth user... I knew that he used to use, but said he had quit about 6 months before we got together, which was ten years ago this month. He was also a pot smoker for about 32 years, up until about a year and a half ago, when we found out he is allergic to it, and it was the culprit for causing him to get pukey sick about every 3-6 weeks since he was 14 years old (when he started). He thought it helped calm his stomach, but actually it was the cause...

    Anyway, after he quit pot, he apparently started smoking meth again... I say 'apparently' because he didn't tell me... he waited until he got caught. Then he said he was just "playing" a little, but because i was so upset about it, he would quit.

    I used to enjoy smoking pot, myself, but I've never liked what meth does to people... I've seen it destroy lives first hand, so I had always told him that it would be a deal breaker for me when we first started dating.

    Needless to say, i caught him again, and then he told me that he had been using since he quit pot, so if he was really going to quit than i better be ready for him to be an asshole for a while... Which he was.. So shame on me for believing him again, right??

    This time, i found text messages on his phone to his ex (his two daughters' mom) saying that he "would bring her her's after 6, when she leaves for her meeting"... I was telling her that he would be by after I left for my town board meeting, because.... Oh, did i mention, I'm also an Elected Official?

    So, i confront him, again, and now he says that he's never actually quit, the entire 10 years we've been together, and he's not "doing" his ex, he's just dealing, because it's the only way he can afford to pay the bills!!

    A little back story here, and I apologize for this being so long, but I've actually been dealing with a paraspinal desmoid tumor, that eventually grew into my chest cavity, that was diagnosed
    Nov 2016. I've had a cryoablation procedure to freeze it and kill it (because it was inoperable), followed by infections, drain tubes, wound vacs, and several surgeries to clean it out, along with a muscle flap surgery from my left shoulder into my mid back about a year ago (which has a two year recovery time), and I suffer from surgical pain, muscle tightness, back pain, inflammation around my left lung, and severe nerve damage pain...

    I am only including this part, because it's important to note that I am no longer able to work, and we've lost my income (I am still fighting to get disability). I'm literally stuck in bed, in severe pain, about 90% of the time...

    My husband and I actually had a surprise wedding in Feb 2016, at my home town benefit - just one month after he quit smoking pot... So, We've been together for ten years, but only married for one and a half...

    Now, he's gone all the time... He's either working his own construction handyman work, or he spends all his time in the garage doing stuff, or fixing the house, or mowing the lawn, or don't anything BUT spending any time with me. I'm pretty sure he resents me getting sick; but when it comes to him using - he just tells me to keep my F'ing mouth shut, and get over it... That it's all my fault because he can't otherwise afford all the things that i want from the store (snacks and soda, because yes, I'm board, and unable to get up and cook anything but microwave meals) and has to pay all the bills...

    I'm kind of stuck, with no where to go, and unable to take care of myself... We only ever fight about this!!! But when we do, it's ugly!! Not physical, (except for today -when i got shoved for trying to verbally force him into putting me first for a change, and actually talk about us, the state of our marriage, and his constant lying,) but emotionally ... - he let's me cry myself to sleep, and will go sleep in the other room to not have to deal with it, and we never talk... He just waits a day or two, and then acts like nothing happened... And if I'm still mad, then he says more hurtful things, like "your still stuck on that? " or "Jesus, you need to get off those narcotics because they're making you crazy and unbearable"...

    It's true, I'm on a lot of narcotics, and nerve damage medication, which is also antidepressants, and anti-inflammatories, all of which are all being monitored by my pain management doctor..

    If, after a couple of days, i just play nice, and act like nothing happened, then we start getting along again.. But we're not close anymore... I don't know if we ever can be.... We've only been intimate once in the last two years...

    Is it me, is it him, is it worth it anymore? How do i afford to leave? I have twenty years of stuff in this house, because i had it before him for ten years... Is that an excuse, or am i making excuses for him? Or me? I'm so so lost, and upset... Just need someone to talk to because my husband won't talk to me.. Hell, i don't think he even wants to be a part of my life, let alone me being upset with him... Ugh!
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Storyofmylife... Welcome and thanks for sharing so honestly with us. I'm so sorry that you're going through what you're going through with your husband.

    The best advice I can give you is this: You have to do what's best for YOU. Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach us this about a loved one's addiction...

    You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

    Those words sound so simple, but they are very true. Unless your husband wants to change, there's not much you can do. You cannot fix him, no matter how much you'd like to.

    I know you're in a very difficult situation, and I wish I had a bunch of answers for you. But, unfortunately, I don't. I just know that YOUR life matters, too. And YOUR well-being and happiness should always be at the top of your priority list. Period.

    I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm also sending you lots of positive energy and hope. And big hugs, too. Because you deserve all of those things.

    Love and light to you.
  3. Storyofmylife

    Storyofmylife Member

    Thank you so much for your response. It really is a difficult decision for me, because i do honestly depend on him for a lot of things due to my current health situation... I know i can't change him, but if i was able to leave, he might be forced to decide what's more important, and it might be enough for him to want to change. Unfortunately, that's really not an easy option right now... Time just doesn't stop and wait for you to make that decision... and the longer i take in deciding - the more it appears that i have agreed to just accept it and live with it.... Or, maybe I have done exactly that because i haven't done anything...

    Anyway, thanks for reading my lengthy thoughts and reaching out to me with your heart felt response.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    You are very welcome, @Storyofmylife. Anytime. Just remember: It's never too late to make a positive change in your life. So don't feel like you have to accept something just because you've waited a long time to make a decision.

    Sending you more hugs and hope.