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Please Help me leave drug addict husband

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Rmk, Mar 17, 2017.

  1. Rmk

    Rmk Member

    I don't know where to start or what to say to express the hell and pain I've been going through .
    I will try really hard to keep this as short as possible and tell you my story. A story I hope can finally end ....

    I'm 26 years old. I'm married to a 28 year old man with whom I have a 1 and a half year old beautiful baby girl . She is my world and the reason I wake up in the morning .

    My husband is addicted to cocaine . In the last 6 years of being with him it has been an on and off thing. He would be sober for a few weeks or months only to relapse again and again . The longest he ever made it sober was during a my pregnancy for about 7-8 months .

    I'm at a loss for words as what to even say next ....
    I was young and innocent and naive when I met him . He told me after maybe our 3 Rd date that he sometimes did drugs and cried to me . He told me how he s never met anyone like me and that he wants to be with me and so on and so on and that he doesn't want drugs to be a part of his life .
    If I only knew then what I know now .

    My husband does have legitimate sad reasons for being depressed. I've felt his pain and seen how his parents treat him. I've heard what he s been through and watched him cry . Many days I've cried for him out of pure pity and guilt. He chose drugs as a coping mechanism long before I came along .

    And just a few weeks after us becoming a couple I stepped foot in hell . A hell im still in.

    What followed next for years was me having to deal with a person with two faces.
    There was days even weeks when he was so good to me so kind and then a flip would switch and he would treat me like sin.

    In the beginning before my child was born what normally followed after his binges was tears and promises and begging . Promises that he we get help . Promises that he will stop doing this and that . And occasionally he would try and do something . He would tell me everything my heart wanted to hear . And I would give him another chance . I would let him stay .

    He has stolen from me . He spent our rent or bills money countless times . He has lied to me to the point I wanted to rip my hair out because you can't believe a human who's so clearly high on coke can sit in front of you and swear on loved ones or their own child that they are not high .
    In the 6 years of knowing him I became an expert at seeing the signs of cocaine. I could tell if he s high over the phone or just by hearing his breathing .

    He could never follow a career path . He s lost jobs numerous times . Always complaining about something .
    I prayed the birth of my child would end this . He was so good to me during my pregnancy. I felt true hope . I really thought it was over with . He was so happy ...

    God ... did I pay for feeling that hope .
    The absolute worst damage took place in the first year of my baby's life.
    He couldn't hack being an adult let alone a father .
    By the time my child was 11 months old he did horrible things .
    He left me And my baby in a hotel room while he disappeared for almost 2 days to binge . He talked to girls and had blocked numbers on his phone .
    He did hundreds of dollars worth of Coke a day after my grandma died unexpectedly. He left me months after and blamed me for everything even his drug use . He slept with another woman who was a full blown " functioning addict " except she chose heroin as her drug

    This is only a glimpse of what I went through .
    He put me through pure hell .
    If it wasn't for child ... my twin sister .. for the small family I have here in Canada to be there . I don't know how I would of survived

    You know why I took him back so many times ... because I would be in so much pain .. when he came back begging and pleading I felt relieve. My body just wanted the pain to stop . So just like that I singed up for a little more time or peace until the next attack.
    I love him . Drugs have ruined him like they ruin others . When he would come down form a high and cry to me and admit to what he is and cry and sob and say I don't know why I do this to you I love u so much
    My heart would break .. the things he would say .....
    I do believe he wants to be better
    I believe he means it when he says I don't wanna do it anymore

    But I see no future for us

    I can't take the pain ....
    It's a matter of days before he explodes on me again and walks out. It's a matter of time before he blames me yet again .
    I can't take living like this anymore .. my life is so sad .. I dream of just being normal . I wanted so badly to give my child a real family .
    For her I must leave .
    She loves her dad . She asks for him when he's gone .... and it Kills me. He can be so amazing with her but not gonna lie because of his mental issues it's only 50% of the time ....

    I'm so scared of being alone .. I relied on him for a lot . When he was good to me he was really good to me and did things to help me . My daughter is not even 2 years old. I want to give her the best life ...
    I'm afraid of so many things ..
    and I'll admit I have the thoughts " what if I leave him and he gets better forever and meets someone else "

    I can't stay here anymore . It so toxic
    I can't get hurt anymore and I can't handle his mental issues anymore . He s verbally abusive to me and has a short temper.
    Like I said earlier .. drugs have destroyed him .

    I really need help . As of now I've said we can't be together... I refuse to waste more of my youth on him ..
    please give me advise
    Please help
    I'm afraid ...
    I'm cursed with too much empathy
    It's the number one reason why I let
    Him back
    I am the one he hurts the most yet I feel sorry for HIM
    It's sick...

    Thank you so much for reading this

    I appreciate your replies.
    Disney, Ahwill1984 and wildflower428 like this.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Rmk... Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing with us. I'm so sorry to hear that you have struggled so much because of your husband's cocaine addiction. There is no doubt that loving someone who struggles with addiction is one of the most frustrating, challenging, and painful things a person can go through. And I feel your pain.

    I think your decision to leave, even if it's temporary, is a good one. You're right: Your situation is toxic. Not only for you, but for your daughter as well. You both deserve to live happy, healthy lives. And if you're in the same household as your husband, that's not a possibility. It's so easy for a person to become addicted to a loved one's addiction. When that happens, the person's health and happiness becomes dependent on their loved one's behavior. And that's not right.

    I would suggest you consider finding a Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, or SMART Recovery Family & Friends meeting in your area and attend. Getting support from people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling can be so helpful.

    I also recommend educating yourself on the disease of addiction and the things you can do to help both yourself and your husband. I wrote a blog a while back that talks about some of my favorite books in this area. Here's the link:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    The first book I discuss in that blog, Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, is an amazing book. It's written specifically for partners and parents of people with addiction and it offers up some great information: It talks about how to communicate with your loved one better, how to help convince them to want to change, and--most importantly--how to take care of YOURSELF as you deal with your loved one's issues. The Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself book is also worth its weight in gold. Especially if you think you're "cursed with too much empathy."

    I also suggest you find a good therapist, preferably one who has experience dealing with addiction issues. A good therapist can really help you deal with the things you're going through. I know, because my therapist helped me tremendously when my son was going through his addiction issues.

    As far as your husband goes, I think what he probably needs is a good dual-diagnosis treatment facility. He needs to get help for both his addiction and mental health issues simultaneously. That's really the only way for him to be treated. If he only gets treatment for one of his conditions while the other one goes untreated, he will continue to have difficulties. That's because mental health issues and addiction are so intertwined.

    I will also say this: Addiction is a disease, not some kind of moral failing. As much as your husband's behavior may frustrate, anger, and sadden you, I can almost guarantee that he does not want to be an addict. His addiction stems from a brain disease. That's not an excuse; it's just a medical fact.

    All that said, the lives of you and your daughter should always be the number one priority in your life. You need to be sure that you and your daughter are safe and happy. That's the bottom line.

    I want you to know this, @Rmk: You are not alone, my friend. We are here to help you and support you however we can. We will answer questions, give you advice, or just listen...without judgment. So you are safe here. Please feel free to come back and lean on us anytime you need to.

    I'm keeping you, your daughter, and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. I am also sending you lots of positive vibes, hope, and big hugs. Because you deserve all of those things.

  3. curious_k

    curious_k Member

    Yes Hun I am very sorry. I been down the road MATTER of fact same age w 6 year old and 1 month old and it didn't get easier and one day I opened my eyes because of what he did and guess what he been in prison and just bad ok so u will get there pray keep head up ask him if you can go to a meeting etc help him be his strength AND NO matter what listen to your guts I'm so glad I did if not I would not have either children he had stringers under my baby car seat he is now 16 never once do u regret leavin the guy I feel for my son my oldest isn't his good luck and God belss
    deanokat likes this.
  4. Drandolph

    Drandolph Member

    I feel your pain although we share no children my son was 17 when we met and living in a different city making it on his own so he was spared.
    However I get the lies...binging the blocked numbers..the porn on his phone and even once an escort sent him a picture and wanted to meet him....
    He swears he never cheated but he was full blown in active addiction..
    I scoured the nets for answers and educated myself in order to understand....
    I too was forgiving...I left him once and he called crying and begging for me to come back and he was going to stop.
    That lasted 3 weeks..
    The only difference? He pays his rent and has had the same job for 22 years..but when he was out of dope money? He stole my debit card on 6/9/16 and racked up 350 in charges...
    First and last time. I DID tell him state of ca anything over 300.00 is a felony and i would report him.
    You are so young and have a little one to think about..
    His kids? Are 20..17..8...the older 2 are over him and embarassed...the youngest one?does not know he is her dad...
    Dont let this happen to your baby..!
    Good luck.
  5. AmberC

    AmberC Member

    I know how it feels. You should talk to Dina, She is a mother of two and married to a man who is addicted to illegal drugs. But, now she is in love with another man who loves her and accepted her for who she is. She is entirely self-made, which makes her a great role model for the women like you. Follow the link to meet Dina online, she'll give you the best advice:
  6. roseannepark

    roseannepark Member

    I have one thing to say. I'm (well i was) a drug addict myself and I'm clean for 4 months now (and I hope I won't use again). Its extremely hard to let go of drugs tho. You take them, it feels like paradise, it lasts for one hour or two and after you feel even worse than before. I felt bad for him because i can relate) until i saw that he slept with another woman. Okay. You clearly deserve much more than him. You deserve someone's who's clean, sober, that respects you etc. He treats you like crap, he blames you for everything, HE'S CHEATING ON YOU, and yet he's saying that he loves you and that it will never happen again? Pff, that's bullshit.
    You deserve a bright future with your daughter, and i dont think its good for her to live with a drug addict. You never know what can happen. If i were you, I would go live with a relative or smt like that and just divorce with him. I know its obviously easy for me to say because i'm not you but stay strong okay? I know you can do it, it feels so much better when you let go of someone like that,
    hope you can do it
    roseann xxx
    wildflower428 and deanokat like this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @roseannepark... Thanks for that insightful post. And congrats on your 4 months of sobriety. That's a great accomplishment! Keep doing the next right thing. :)
    roseannepark likes this.
  8. roseannepark

    roseannepark Member

    tysm! And yeah i hope so hahaha
    roseanne xxx
    deanokat likes this.
  9. KSalem

    KSalem Member

    @Rmk You are such a strong person.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. wildflower428

    wildflower428 Member

  11. wildflower428

    wildflower428 Member

    Wow, i am reading your post and im feeling so many of those ways at this very moment smh. I cant believe how many people are going thru similiar circumstances so now i dont feel so alone, embarrased ashamed and humiliated. I think i will join some kind of group therapy support group. I have been going thru 5 months of hell and it started day 2 of our marriage. I married my friend from prison immediately wen he got released after 14 years of incarceration. Long story short he made many promises that it was just weed and so convincing that its unbeleivable of how convincing and manipulative a person can be wen on drugs. The odd behavior progressively got worse within 2 weeks of marriage. The lies, the stealing, the verbal, mental, and physchological abuse, the downward spiral of his appearance. He looks like someone thats on something. I am embarrased to have him around anyone. No one knows but my sons who are older and my girlfriend. I have hid this from my family and others out of embarrasment and dont want to hear the "i told you so's" from everyone who told me not to marry someone just released from prison. I am so serious wen i say its been 5 months of hell and not one day of peace or non-chaos in this home. He cant keep a job, and the couple he did have wont hire him back, hes a convicted felon for robbery so its already been hard him getting a job but to tell you the truth he hasnt really been trying because hes to busy chasing drugs. As i write this post, i am for the first time really hearing myself smh, i should have been gone, but i am cursed with empathy as well. I have forgiven him so many times and i am now at my breaking point because my apartment, job, and other critical things are becoming affected. This last straw was rehab. He finally agreed to go to inpatient re-hab last week. They kept him for seven days and he convinced them that he was fine. He is the most smoothest master manipulator around. I told them please dont release him but they said they couldnt keep him against his will once the phsychiatrist has cleared him. He made even more convincing promises on the 45 minute drive home and i just knew things were gona work. Sadly, later the same night out of rehab he left the house and was back to the same things. I tracked his phone and he was at all the drug spots he vowed on God and his mothers life he would never go again. He did the same thing the next day, and here we are on day 3 out of rehab and he has been gone all day on the run. I told him i was putting him out once again and he has a few days left to find a place to go. Tonight im gona fill out the divorce papers that ive had in my drawer for awhile and finally free myself from the viscious cycle. Im working on forgiving myself for allowing this man to take me totally out of my character by allowing him to do the things hes done to me. Just know that your not alone, and i pray we both find our way out this situation. Best of luck to you.
  12. Amandajd

    Amandajd Member

    Emo I totally feel for you.
    MY husband has been an addict of heroin for 4 years. Before this he was clean for 15 years. He started using at 18 when he lost him mum.
    He went back to it after he smelt it on night when we as a family were going through a rough patch (my dad was dieing).
    It took him 6 months to tell me, I had no idea. Being someone who has grown up totally ignorant about drug use I didn't have a clue.
    He swore he's get help and signed up to a program and he did well but got a bit cock sure of him self and decided he didn't need it any more so self medicated with diazepam. This then lead to another addiction. And the start of a 4 year cycle.
    I've lost count of the times I've picked him up and put him to bed when he's been on a binge. I've forgotten how many times he's lied to me. The icing on the cake was this week. He went to work as a taxi driver and he picked up a local user/dealer when he dropped him off cops arrested the guy and my husband. My husband then spent the next 24 hours locked up, the cops wouldn't let him phone me so I had no idea where he was, I thought he'd left me. I only found out where he was when my mum texted me the next day to tell me the cops were searching my house. I've never felt so much shame and anger and sadness in one day. Thank God the kids were at school.
    He's home now after being cleared of all charges but I don't know what my next step should be. I love him so much but I can't trust him and I don't know what to do for the best. If I throw him out he has nowhere to go.
    I'm a mess. He's not the man I married 8 years ago and this cripples me
  13. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    hi there. so sorry you have had to go through so much...but yes, it's good that you are getting on with life for YOU... best of if you need.
  14. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I simply want to tell you anyone that spends many year's in prison or incarcerated become absolute master's of manipulation,i mean for 14 year's he has had day and night to perfect it and honestly it's a survival tactic they learn i mean how else are they going to get money on their book's.Good luck and God Bless you.Take care
    Dominica likes this.
  15. Disney

    Disney Member

    I went through this same situation as you the only difference is my husband was addicted to meth. After 15 years being with him I finally decided to leave him i walked away with my two boys because this relationship was not healthy at all. It took a lot for me to finally make this decision of leaving him. It hurts a lot because i still love him and just cant get over him its been 3 weeks since we left and since then havent heard anything from him. This tells me how much he cared for us. He hasnt even bothered calling to check up on his kids. I guess this has helped me open up my eyes and see he really didnt care about us and chose his drug over his family. Somedays i feel like I will never be able to move on It kills me to have the thought of him getting better someday forever and find a new partner like you mentioned. I know its been a while since you posted this but can i know what you ended up doing?
    deanokat likes this.
  16. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    WOW you haven't heard from him at all in 3 week's,not even once?Your story caught my eye because of insane similarities to my own situation.I was addicted to meth on and off for most of my marriage and i have been married 18 year's but separated from my wife after the 15th year and have been separated for 3 years not 3 week's but everything else is basically the same.Odd coincidence i guess as i am now sober and i often wonder if my wife think's about thing's like moving on with out her,but I try to see her and my family as much as possible and she blows me off 99% of the time.Anyways I apologize for rambling on it's just so very similar and even your screen name as she has a season pass to Disneyland and has told me that's the only place she can go and forget everything and have fun.So speaking from my own experience i don't know how your husband feels but i know for myself when i was using i felt trapped and just wanted to escape the pain i had caused through my addiction and dove deeper into my addiction,i know it doesn't make sense and it is very stupid but that's what i would do.I just can't imagine that your husband doesn't love you after all those year's but i do believe the addiction has him wrapped up so tight he can't show love because it sounds like he is to high to be able to show anything other than the fact that he is high.What attempts have you made at trying to help him?How long have you been trying to help him?Has he ever expressed a desire to get help or go to a rehab?I know a few month's before my wife kicked me out i was asked by a family member "What will it take to help you"and i responded "probably an intervention"At that time i didn't feel anyone cared about me and i suggested the intervention because at that time all i wanted was to know my family still loved me and wanted to help me because I was already tired of Meth but i felt like sh×t for the year's i didn't care and felt like at that time they didn't either so i dove deeper into my addiction because i hated myself and i was starting to feel shame for the way i lived and the choices i made.Maybe your husband feels some of the same thing's i was feeling at that time,maybe he just needs to know how much you love and care for him and from personal experience i know at that time that's what I needed to know and hear.I'm so sorry for the life your husband has put you through and i'm sure he probably doesn't realize what he has done but that's not him that's the dope.I pray your husband changes and i pray it work's out for you and your family but if your already thinking about him moving on sober without you i have to believe you see something in him that tells you he want's to change and if that's the case he is going to need love and support to do it.I am so very sorry i can't get over the similarities of my own situation but if your husband is anything like me i know he still loves you and he's bound to be looking for a way to right his wrongs and be the husband you deserve.Stay Strong and God Bless you Take Care
    deanokat likes this.
  17. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Disney... While I'm very sorry that your husband hasn't contacted you at all in 3 weeks--not even to check on his kids--I'm pretty damn proud of you for leaving and doing what is best for you and your children. I know it probably wasn't easy. And I think it likely took a lot of courage. So just know that I think you're an incredibly strong and amazing woman. The health and happiness of you and your kids should ALWAYS come first. Never forget that!
    True concern likes this.