I don't know where to start or what to say to express the hell and pain I've been going through . I will try really hard to keep this as short as possible and tell you my story. A story I hope can finally end .... I'm 26 years old. I'm married to a 28 year old man with whom I have a 1 and a half year old beautiful baby girl . She is my world and the reason I wake up in the morning . My husband is addicted to cocaine . In the last 6 years of being with him it has been an on and off thing. He would be sober for a few weeks or months only to relapse again and again . The longest he ever made it sober was during a my pregnancy for about 7-8 months . I'm at a loss for words as what to even say next .... I was young and innocent and naive when I met him . He told me after maybe our 3 Rd date that he sometimes did drugs and cried to me . He told me how he s never met anyone like me and that he wants to be with me and so on and so on and that he doesn't want drugs to be a part of his life . If I only knew then what I know now . My husband does have legitimate sad reasons for being depressed. I've felt his pain and seen how his parents treat him. I've heard what he s been through and watched him cry . Many days I've cried for him out of pure pity and guilt. He chose drugs as a coping mechanism long before I came along . And just a few weeks after us becoming a couple I stepped foot in hell . A hell im still in. What followed next for years was me having to deal with a person with two faces. There was days even weeks when he was so good to me so kind and then a flip would switch and he would treat me like sin. In the beginning before my child was born what normally followed after his binges was tears and promises and begging . Promises that he we get help . Promises that he will stop doing this and that . And occasionally he would try and do something . He would tell me everything my heart wanted to hear . And I would give him another chance . I would let him stay . He has stolen from me . He spent our rent or bills money countless times . He has lied to me to the point I wanted to rip my hair out because you can't believe a human who's so clearly high on coke can sit in front of you and swear on loved ones or their own child that they are not high . In the 6 years of knowing him I became an expert at seeing the signs of cocaine. I could tell if he s high over the phone or just by hearing his breathing . He could never follow a career path . He s lost jobs numerous times . Always complaining about something . I prayed the birth of my child would end this . He was so good to me during my pregnancy. I felt true hope . I really thought it was over with . He was so happy ... God ... did I pay for feeling that hope . The absolute worst damage took place in the first year of my baby's life. He couldn't hack being an adult let alone a father . By the time my child was 11 months old he did horrible things . He left me And my baby in a hotel room while he disappeared for almost 2 days to binge . He talked to girls and had blocked numbers on his phone . He did hundreds of dollars worth of Coke a day after my grandma died unexpectedly. He left me months after and blamed me for everything even his drug use . He slept with another woman who was a full blown " functioning addict " except she chose heroin as her drug This is only a glimpse of what I went through . He put me through pure hell . If it wasn't for child ... my twin sister .. for the small family I have here in Canada to be there . I don't know how I would of survived You know why I took him back so many times ... because I would be in so much pain .. when he came back begging and pleading I felt relieve. My body just wanted the pain to stop . So just like that I singed up for a little more time or peace until the next attack. I love him . Drugs have ruined him like they ruin others . When he would come down form a high and cry to me and admit to what he is and cry and sob and say I don't know why I do this to you I love u so much My heart would break .. the things he would say ..... I do believe he wants to be better I believe he means it when he says I don't wanna do it anymore But I see no future for us I can't take the pain .... It's a matter of days before he explodes on me again and walks out. It's a matter of time before he blames me yet again . I can't take living like this anymore .. my life is so sad .. I dream of just being normal . I wanted so badly to give my child a real family . For her I must leave . She loves her dad . She asks for him when he's gone .... and it Kills me. He can be so amazing with her but not gonna lie because of his mental issues it's only 50% of the time .... I'm so scared of being alone .. I relied on him for a lot . When he was good to me he was really good to me and did things to help me . My daughter is not even 2 years old. I want to give her the best life ... I'm afraid of so many things .. and I'll admit I have the thoughts " what if I leave him and he gets better forever and meets someone else " I can't stay here anymore . It so toxic I can't get hurt anymore and I can't handle his mental issues anymore . He s verbally abusive to me and has a short temper. Like I said earlier .. drugs have destroyed him . I really need help . As of now I've said we can't be together... I refuse to waste more of my youth on him .. please give me advise Please help I'm afraid ... I'm cursed with too much empathy It's the number one reason why I let Him back I am the one he hurts the most yet I feel sorry for HIM It's sick... Thank you so much for reading this I appreciate your replies.