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Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by chaosandroses, May 29, 2018.

  1. chaosandroses

    chaosandroses Member

    Currently, I'm laying on my parents couch, feeling the weight of chronic stress, anxiety, depression and perhaps worst of all, the consuming thought that I may never be able to abuse an Rx again. It's been 3 days since I last took something and...

    For 8 years, since I was 17, I've abused Soma (carisoprodol), Xanax, Ativan, Klonopin, Vicodin, and Norco. The two biggies the last 3 years have been Soma and Norco. The first contact I had was with Xanax. My mom would give me some as early as the age of 14 when I first started voicing the "weird doomed feelings", which I now know were the beautiful hereditary anxiety and panic attacks finally rearing their ugly heads in my life. My mom and dad however, were oddly shortsighted, and so thought giving me their pills was somehow the answer...

    After my first few interactions, I discovered a whole smorgasbord of pills in their medicine cabinet. Out of desperation, I started stealing them. My reason to pop 3 or 4 of each was because it totally allowed me to talk to my peers without fear of judgment - I had, and still do have, horrendous social anxiety and problems with self-consciousness, self-esteem, and inability to connect meaningfully to others because of these things.

    However, the more often I took them, I started to forget about all the other problems I had - family abuse, emotionally abusive father, anxiety, depression, OCD, concentration deficit - all things that could have been fixed had I been appropriately diagnosed and treated with therapy or something. But it does little to dwell, I suppose.

    Fast forward to today, and my brain and body's ability to naturally heal and deal with itself and life and its ability to produce endorphins and dopamine and serotonin etc. on its own without my having to pop a huge dose of 10 pills at once every day is what's killing me now (other than the damage it's done to my body, lol...) *I'm trying to laugh, it's not working*
    I'm too afraid to seek the right help, and every time I've had to see a counselor or psychiatrist for my depression and anxiety, I've never been able to tell them this other problem because then I'd have to stop.

    I have almost zero skill in the art of coping with the reasons I take pills in the first place. Since this addiction started at an age when my brain was still crucially developing, I'm afraid I may never be totally healed, if I am magically able to get the right help. My anxiety etc makes it all worse, and really now, I just want to die. My suicidal thoughts and ideation have been the only place my energy had gone the last few months, other than badgering my mom to give me her pills.

    My time is running out - whether that means my time with pills or with life, I don't know. But I have no desire, motivation, willpower to live without the fake bliss and ability to function induced by pills. Zip. Zero. Nada.

    In short, prescription abuse has ruined my life, and although I want to never have to feel the urge to take a pill again, I'm convinced I am too far gone as well as totally physiologically unable to return to a "normal" human being. I don't think I can totally relate how big of a problem everything surrounding this issue is for me, but I tried.

    I think I need to make some connections with people who can empathize first, before I go out and make my problem more public. Thanks for reading.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener


    Hello and welcome. Thank you for reaching out. I'm glad that you're ready to really tackle this issue of addiction. I think many of us can relate to high anxiety. One good thing about not really being great at talking to others is that there are skills you can learn to get better at communicating. And being an introvert isn't a bad thing. You simply learn how to navigate life being so empathic and sensitive.

    In all likelihood, you'll need some professional help to make the types of changes that you really want to make. And it will require 100% transparency with them. But just so you know counselors are there to help people, and it's no surprise to them when someone walks in their office addicted to something. In fact, many, many people are struggling with addiction. I highly doubt you would be judged, but only helped.

    Everyone must navigate their own individualized path to recovery. This is your task as well. What works for one might not work for another, so it's really tough for us to tell you what to do. Make a list of some action steps you can take, and start walking this recovery path wholeheartedly. If you're a spiritual person, humble yourself and ask the god of your understanding for help. Take up meditation, some sort of self-care regimen, or whatever works for you.

    I just want you to know that you're not alone. And I encourage you to not give up. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. And it is possible. Remember it's about progress not perfection.

    Again, thank you for reaching out and know that we are here
    Mattias and True concern like this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    WOW..Ok so first off welcome and stick around,share,complain,vent,scream,cry do it all and please allow me the chance to help you see the good in you.Read my story you talk about having no chance at normality because of the early introduction to pill's at 14 This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.You speak of emptiness that you fear you can't overcome but you can,you talk about social anxiety i to don't communicate well face to face but i do say what i mean regardless of who it pisses off.At my first NA meeting ever which was about a month ago i sat and listened to everyone say "Hi I'm so and so and I'm an addict"well me with no social skills thought nope not me,im gonna tell the truth so i stood up and said "Hi my name is ....and im a straight up dirt bag,watch your wallets hide your keys and can i sleep on your couch" 10 seconds of silence then people came up randomly and started hugging me and said welcome were glad your here.I thought WTF but it broke down a barrier.I'm sober now and still full of anger,i wake up and run 4miles between 1 and3 a.m. as if i can out run my pain which to this point hasn't worked.The further into sobriety i get the more i understand thing's i never did.For one if you are capable of anger you are also capable of happiness,they are exact polar opposites they go hand and hand.I listen to very heavy music and today i heard a song by slipknot called "Snuff"and while listening i heard these lyrics "you can't hate enough to love"i started analyzing what that might mean and it clicked,i understood the message.If you have the ability to hate then you have the ability to love,think about it they are the same emotion just directed in different ways.If you can hate something you have to also have the ability to love it but our lifestyles while being active user's only resonates anger,hate,resentment.Please share here openly and honestly you are worth more than addiction has to offer and i will stand by your side every step of the way and you can learn to love yourself again i promise.I don't know you yet I'm teared up thinking you are unsure if you want to live.Please no judgement here,give me,us a chance to show you a way out of the misery you feel.Stay Strong and God Bless
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @chaosandroses... Welcome to the community, my friend. I'm sorry you're struggling, but I'm glad you found us and reached out. That's a HUGE step, and I'm happy you've taken it. I'm really proud of you.

    I know you can overcome your addiction. And I hope you can get to the point where asking for professional help is doable. I think talking to an addiction specialist would be great for you. There's no need to be embarrassed or ashamed, either; addiction is not some kind of moral failing. It's a disease. And millions of people have it. Is it okay to be scared to ask for help? Absolutely. Because asking for help means change, and change is always scary. But I know you can do this.

    You are definitely not alone. Not in your anxiety, depression, stress, or addiction. I have felt all of those things. And I have an adult son who struggles mightily with all of those things on a daily basis. I know it's not easy. Just know that we are here to help you and support you however we can. We truly care, my friend.

    You've gotten some great advice and insight from @Dominica and @True concern. If you start to take steps in the right direction, no matter how small those steps are, you will make progress. And recovery is all about progress.

    Do something today that makes you feel better. Something that isn't taking a pill. Be kind to yourself. Go outside and take in some nature. Eat something you really enjoy. Go for a walk or a bike ride. Watch a funny movie or TV show. Just anything that makes you feel better. And know that things will get better if you want them to.

    Your life is precious. Don't let some crappy old pills make you feel that it isn't. You deserve to be happy and healthy, both physically and emotionally, and you can do that without pharmaceuticals.

    Please think about seeing an addiction specialist. I think they could really help you. And think about going back to a counselor and telling them everything. That's the only way they can help. If you keep things from them, they can't address that stuff and help you overcome it.

    Lastly, if you start to have suicidal thoughts, please pick up the phone and call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (assuming you're in the U.S.). Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and there are better ways to escape the pain you're feeling.

    We care about you and we love you. Never forget that. Please come back and lean on us anytime you feel the need, okay?
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  5. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    I really relate to the “trying to laugh; it’s not working” line. I constantly think “lol” when thinking about my addictions. I wasn’t taught coping mechanisms as a child or teen, so I self medicated with alcohol and drugs and felt like I would never be able to break the cycle. Just the fact that we are here, TRYING, makes all the difference. We’ve got this!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @lonewolves and the good thing is that even though we might not have been taught coping mechanisms as a child, we CAN learn them as adults :)
    lonewolves likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @lonewolves I have to agree with @Dominica on learning coping mechanisms as an adult.I understand how difficult it is as i was medicated with Ritalin at the age of 6 and didn't stop taking it until 18 year's old,now the odd thing is i never missed an Honor roll in school,not once and dropped out with 17 credits to graduate high school(which i will be finishing this summer)however i had no coping skills period,i spent more time suspended from school than anyone at that time and had the best grades.I was quick to fight everyone in school and in high school my reputation as a fighter nearly cost my family their lives as a street gang was mailing death threats both to my home and my high school,so people skills....i had none period.I found this site and have offered advice for about 2 month's now all over this site approaching 200+ messages or more and i am coming up on 4-5 month's sober,can't be sure as tracking every single day stresses me out.How do i cope now sober?I run alot pushing harder and harder with every run if i don't run at least 4 miles a day im a basket case and honestly i pushed so hard i now need knee surgery and my stupid as× still runs simply because i NEED it to maintain my thoughts and rage.My rage i use to misdirect on other's but the truth is im pissed off at myself and i imagine I'm trying to outrun the life i was living and to this point i haven't been able to,but i will continue to try.The only coping mechanisms you truly need are the one's that advance you in your life and whatever it takes if it work's make it yours.I start running between 1-3 a.m. every morning,saddly I have missed 2 day's and am going insane but i see my surgeon today and i will be very blunt probably on the verge of rude.However i must keep exercising because i have a bit over 1 year to achieve a goal which i can't fail at.Stay Strong and God Bless Take Care
    lonewolves likes this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @chaosandroses... How are you doing? If you have a spare minute, we'd love to hear from you. We're here for you, no matter what. Always remember that.