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Pushing him away.

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by thedino89, Feb 12, 2015.

  1. thedino89

    thedino89 Member

    My brother is a recovering opiate abuser. He was addicted to intravenously using Fentanyl. He has been out of in-patient recovery for some time now, and he is trying to make steps towards regaining the friendships and trust he has lost. I commend him for that. But he was my best friend. I can't help feeling like I've lost him. If he lied about so much for so long I don't know who my best friend was. At this point I just want him to go away. I know that sounds awful and I want to make my own steps, but anytime I think about him I feel myself start to panic and shut down. I literally can not dwell on him, it causes me great pain. The only thing I know to do is just live my life without him for my own sanity. I know about Al-Anon and have heard good things, but I feel like a 12 step program will not alleviate any of this pain. Can anyone give me some first hand experience with Al-Anon or the like? I want to forgive him and continue our friendship but have not found the strength
  2. Charity

    Charity Member

    It is hard to allow them back into your life because you will not know if you can trust them again. However, he is your brother and no matter what you will need to let him back in at some point. Eventually you will only have him left when your parents pass.
  3. thedino89

    thedino89 Member

    That is indeed a harsh reality. It definitely puts things into perspective. They are getting up there in age. This is an angle that never crossed my mind. Thank you for the food for thought.
  4. KNH

    KNH Active Contributor

    Have you had a serious conversation about this with him? I don't have experience with Al-Anon or the like but maybe some counseling would do you two some good? It sounds like you are struggling to forgive him. Also, I don't mean this to be rude or anything - but I have been in a similar situation and I realized my problem was that I was hoping to get my best friend back to the way she was and the relationship we had. I finally realized that isn't ever going to happen and I need to accept that, forgive her, and love her for who she is now.
  5. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    I won't blame you if you are trying to push him away or letting him out of your life now, because what he has done to you is truly hurtful since you are best friends before. However, if he is looking to find ways to regain his friendship with you, then I guess you should give him a chance. He's still your brother anyway. And maybe, he's finally realized his mistakes.
  6. thedino89

    thedino89 Member

    I think he has. I just need time I suppose.
  7. thedino89

    thedino89 Member

    You're right. It is almost too difficult to think about how that relationship will never be the same. I won't have my best friend back like I did. I have talked to him once. He listened well and all he really said was how he wish I could see things from his point of view because he felt the way I was feeling was too extreme. But maybe another talk will do us good.
  8. grandmaof4

    grandmaof4 Member

    From my own experience I can relate to how you feel. My brother was addicted to opiates for over 20 years, and in July 2011 he took his life. He was 2 years older than me. I still tried to help me early on in the addiction. He was a very loving and caring person, always there to lend a helping hand to anyone who needed it. I went through the same thing of not wanting to have anything to do with him. It hurt to see the way he would take advantage lie, steal, and cheat all of his family. Not to go into a long story but we did have the discussion of how it hurt to see him like this and what it was doing to him. I could see pain on his face every time we talked about him getting clean, he went in and out of rehab programs but just never could beat it. One of the last conversations we had I was fussing at him about using our mother. I did tell him I loved him but I finally had to forgive myself for not showing more love and compassion to him.

    Let him know you love him while you will not enable his behavior but you will be there for him when he needs you.