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Relapse after 12 years sober!!! HELP!!!

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by all37, May 19, 2015.

  1. all37

    all37 Member

    HI, IM A SINGLE MOTHER OF FOUR AWESOME CHILDREN. I HAD BEEN SOBER FOR 12 YEARS.
    IM SHOCKED AS TO HOW THIS DRUG ADDICTION COULD SNEAK BACK IN AND GRAB AHOLD OF ME
    SO TIGHTLY AGAIN. IM NOT EVEN SURE HOW OR WHERE IT SNATCHED ME BACK UP. I DO KNOW THAT THE PAST FOUR YEARS HAVE RIPPED ME APART AND LEFT ME GATHERING UP THE PIECES OF MYSELF JUST TO HAVE SOMETHING ELSE COME BY AND KNOCK THEM OUT OF MY HANDS.
    MY OLDEST DAUGHTER STARTING GETTING INTO SERIOUS TROOUBLE AT 15. SHE IS BYPOLOR AND HAS ADHD. AFTER AND EXTENSIVE BATTLE THOUGH THE COURT SYSTEM HER TEARING HER FAMILY APART WITH FIGHTING SHE JUST TURNED 19 IN APRIL AND IS CURENTLY IN A WOMENS PRISON. SHE WAS BEATEN PRETTY SEVERLY NOT LONG AFTER BEING SENT THERE. STAPLES IN HER HEAD GLUED BACK TOGETHER FORHEAD BROKEN FINGERS AND SO MANY BRUISES YOU COULDNT HARDLY RECOGNIZE HER. THIS IS WHERE I THINK MY ADDICTION SQUIRMED ITS WAY BACK. THIS SHOOK ME TO MY CORE. ALL THE WHILE I HAVE A 17, 16, & 12 YEAR OLDS AT HOME TESTING THEIR OWN WATERS AND DAMAGED FROM 3 YEARS OF BASICALLY A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SITUATION. I KNOW I USED DRUG TO ESCAPE HURT AND DEVASTATION SO I GUESS EVERYONE HAS A BREAKING POINT AND THIS IS MINE. IM TRULY DEVASTATED THAT IVE USED THREE TIME IN THE PAST TWO MONTHS AND I WANT IT AND LIKE IT. I DESPISE METH. LITERALLY MAKES ME SICK TO THINK OF. AND NOW HERE I AM STAYING UP FOR TWO THREE DAYS. GETTING SKINNY AND BROKEN DOWN. I HATE THE WAY IM ALREADY STARTING TO LOOK. MY BOSS AND CO WORKERS HAVE NOTICED. HAD TO TAKE ALL OF LAST WEEK OFF BECAUSE I COULDNT BEAR THEM SEEING ME LIKE THIS. AND NOW HERE I AM AGAIN. HIGH UP ALL NIGHT. I WENT TO WORK TODAY. COULDNT LEAVE THEM SHORT HANDED AGAIN. TRIED TO GET MY BOSS TO FIRE ME BECAUSE I DIDNT DESERVE HER ACCEPTANCE AND UNDERSTANDING. MY MOTHER KNOWS IM USING AND SHE HAS CHOSEN TO BEAT ME UP WITH HER WORDS AND MAKE ME TRULY WORTHLESS. SHE KNOWS THIS IS A SICKNESS. BUT MY MOTHER HAS NEVER BEEN MUCH OF A NURTURER SHES ALWAYS BEEN ONE TO RIDICULE AND PUT DOWN. 12 YEARS AGO I WAS 89LB. PERSON WHO SHOT UP ALL THRU THE DAY. SORES ALL OVER HER BODY NO DIGNITY NO RESPECT. THEN I OPENED UP TO GOD AND HE DELIVERED ME FULLY OF THIS. I KEEP TRYING TO GIVE IT TO GOD ONCE MORE BUT IT SEEMS SO MUCH STRONGER. IM IN NEED OF SOME ADVISE. IMPAITIENT TREATMENT REALLY ISNT AN OPTION BECAUSE I HAVE TO CARE FOR MY KIDS.
  2. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Wow! I'm a bit speechless here. I can imagine how tough (and I mean really tough) your situation is. Considering that you're a single mother having to face every single problem on your own. Basing on your story, I can sense that you are a very strong woman deep down. You've been sober for 12 years and that is very admirable after all the things you had to go through.

    You may consider this time as a very low point in your life and it's not wrong to sometimes feel weak and helpless. It's our nature because we are just but human. So don't be too hard in yourself. Yes, you are relapsing. But the fact that you posted this thread asking for help means you still have that fighting spirit in you. It's just being overthrown by all the problems you are facing right now. It's hard to watch your daughter suffer in such a heinous way so this is the time that she mostly needs your strength. She needs you to show her someone is always there for her no matter what. She feels so vulnerable right now and you breaking down will only make her situation worst. Your other kids need you too. You are their only pillar of strength and only source of unconditional love. You have to fight the evil that's trying to take advantage of your situation.

    You said you have laid everything to God before. Lay it all out on Him again. He will never get tired carrying your burdens with you. Always remember that He will never give us trials that we will never pull off. He gives us trials to shape us into persons He planned us to be. Remember, all the wounds and pain we receive He also feels. He is always with you in all your struggles so don't give up. If you know about "Footprints in the sand", it's a perfect example of how He lifts us without us knowing.

    Everything will eventually be alright again no matter how deep your problems are. Don't give in to your addiction because your kids need you. Stay on the fight and it will all be solved one day. Hold on! O:)
    EditorsRHumansToo!, Joseph and xTinx like this.
  3. all37

    all37 Member

    Thank u so much for your words of comfort and hope! Meant a lot to get up this morning and read this. And to know u cared enough to really spend time on your reply to me!
    Joseph, deanokat and gracer like this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @all37... Don't be too hard on yourself. The fact that you were sober for 12 years is proof that you can do it! Sure, a relapse is cause for concern, but it is not the end of the world. You got clean once and you can do it again!

    You say inpatient treatment isn't an option because you have to take care of your kids. Is there anyone--a family member or friend--who might be able to watch your kids if you decided to go into treatment? Yours is a tricky situation because you may not be able to get treatment because of your kids. On the other hand, the reason you should absolutely get treatment is your kids. They need their mom to be healthy.

    If you don't have a way to go to residential treatment, I would suggest looking for an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) in your area. Maybe your family doctor or a local addiction specialist could refer you and monitor your progress.

    Please look into different treatment options available to you and find something that will help you through this tough time. Consider going to meetings, too. And, of course, come here for support anytime. There are so many people here who can help.

    Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    gracer likes this.
  5. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Glad to be of help to you even from a simple way. I wouldn't mind writing even a novel as long as I know I could help someone in any way I can. Just be brave and face your problems head on. Today can be the beginning of a fresh start for you. I will surely have you in my prayers too just like what @deanokat said. :)
  6. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @all37... Just wondering how you're doing. Please update us when you have a chance. I've been thinking about you and hope you're doing okay.
  7. all37

    all37 Member

    Hi. I'm sorry to just disappear. I've been good giving this to God through the day. Trying to focus on the important things and my standards I live by. I'm actually a very strict person and have a lot of structure. I'm still really disappointed in myself but I know all is not lost over a set back like this. I know how to dust myself off and push thru. Thank u for checking on me! Means a lot!
    EditorsRHumansToo! and Joseph like this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    No need to apologize, @all37. I was just wondering how you were doing, as I'm guessing some others were as well. Giving it to God is a great approach, and you are correct in saying that all is not lost over this setback. Recovery is a journey, not a destination. You were sober for 12 years, and that's so fabulous. I have total faith that you can do it again. Keep coming back for support. We are here for you! :)
    all37 likes this.
  9. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    I'm likewise at a loss for words. I think no matter what I say here would make much of a difference but I'm willing to give it a shot. I know exactly how you feel, having been addicted to certain habits myself so the principles are essentially the same. All I can say is: Never give up on yourself! Try and try until you succeed. Sooner or later, one way or another, you will succeed. Digging deeper, we realize it's all just in our minds. We have to muster enough strength of spirit to overcome our darker side.
    all37 and deanokat like this.
  10. Corzhens

    Corzhens Active Contributor

    I felt shocked with this thread. From my association with addicts and former addicts, that going back scenario is caused by meeting old friends - those that you jam with during your addiction days. But if you are intent to remain clean then you should push it - get away from them.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Corzhens... Why were you shocked by this thread? I'm just curious. It's really not that uncommon for someone to slip up, even after an extended period of sobriety. The important thing is that @all37 recognized her mistake and wants to correct it. The fact that she came here for support is so awesome, and it shows what kind of person and mother she is. @all37... Keep doing the next right thing!!!! We are here to support you! :)
    Joseph likes this.
  12. all37

    all37 Member

    i dont think my relapse was old friends. it was more of what i used in the past to escape or deal with devastating pain. i asked loved ones for support showed them my raw ugly brokeness. and they still choose to overlook it. telling me your ok u stop this this isnt the april i know. your stronger better wiser than any of this pain. tried to go to a mental hospital twice only to have people act as tho im a drama queen. i warned everyone i was gonna break. and when it got to the breaking point i went to the thing i ran to in the past for relief. lied to myself it gave me some escape but not a way to mend anything. only made it all the more devastating. my family is shocked and disappointed! blah blah blah.... but if they would of truly listened and seen what i was trying to show them instead of acting like we have to hide it and pretend everything is ok. like it would be to shameful on the family if people found out i was in a mental hospital. lmao well rather be unstable mentally than be strung out on drugs. i blame them in alot of ways for not letting me bring them my hurt and suffering. but i know now they dont know how to deal with this from me. they bring me their struggles daily but ive never really showed them my suffering. they see me differntly now. at first i thought it would be an attitude of being ashamed of me but i think they were really able to see im human just like they r. i bleed when i fall just like they do.and i made it very clear that they can either help me back up and brush some of the dust off or they can stay away. but i will not let any of them stand over me shaking their disapproving finger at me. i own my flaws and mistakes and i am very aware of them so i dont need anyone to point them out.
    deanokat likes this.
  13. all37

    all37 Member

    after visiting your profile i must express that im offended by your opinions. may i ask what your purpose or reason u have for needing support? all i seen is alot of opinions and brainy advise. no support,guidance, or wisdom in any of your comments. ive also seen a great deal of ignorance on your behalf. not calling u stupid or disrespecting u in any way. but the meaning of ignorance is lack of knowledge or education on a subject. and i also read alot of blame being placed on ones friends. people choose to do things because they want to plain and simple. no human has the power to force u to do something u honestly dont want to do. people r 100% responsible for their own choices. they have to pay the consequeses for them alone. and if someone is that weak that they give in to any and all offers they should really find new friends. i dont feel u r of any hopeful support to anyone on here and u have yet to reach out for support from any of us so leads me to believe u r on here to judge and put your opinions on people. im guessing because u have self esteem issues and surrounding yourself with people and giving condesending feedback to those who arent afraid to show their flaws makes u feel better about yourself. i will pray for u. god bless
  14. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @all37 Thanks for putting all of that out there. There is still so much stigma associated with mental illness. It's really unfortunate. Both of my sons--one is now 25, the other is 19--have had multiple stays in a psychiatric hospital. They both suffer from depression. My oldest attempted suicide when he was 15, which was when he was first admitted. My younger son had self-harm issues, too. On a couple of occasions, my younger son actually asked to go back to the hospital, because he felt like he was near a breaking point. He felt safe in the hospital, around other teenagers who were feeling things similar to what he was feeling. I give him all the credit in the world for that.

    I can tell you are very in touch with your feelings, and that's such a beautiful thing. There is absolutely no shame to be felt because of mental illness. It affects so many people. The more we talk about it, the more we chip away at the stigma attached to it.

    Thanks so much for sharing and coming here for support. :)
    all37 likes this.
  15. Joseph

    Joseph DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Hi @all37, I apologize I'm just now seeing your post and truly hope that all is going well for you. There is so much I would want to say to you, but perhaps most importantly is to not beat yourself up for relapsing, and give yourself credit for having the courage to share your story here. It's a reminder for us all that addiction does not discriminate and can sneak back up on us many times. Twelve years is a lot of time, sure, but rather than focusing on losing that time, try instead to focus on the fact that you were able to do it and you can do it again. Drugs will always be in our shadows, alluring us away from our challenges (which you've clearly had many), and it takes an incredible will to always stay perfectly on the path. We slide off now and then...I know I have many times...but we keep getting ourselves back up and we keep moving. I believe the first step to regaining control over your life circumstances begins by simply reaching out for help. I can completely identify with not feeling the family support and it took me more than 20 years battling with my addiction to realize that I wouldn't be able to turn to my family for support. What treatment did for me was get me to see how powerful families can play into our addictions, and taught me some skills for taking full ownership over my issues. As strange as it may seem, one of the best feelings I've ever known was to overcome my challenges and rise up off my death bed and realize that I did it largely on my own, with the help of a few close friends, while my family stood by oblivious or in denial. I was mad at them for many years but learned to forgive them in my recovery. When it comes down to it, it's all about what we can do to pick ourselves back up and get our heads on straight. You know the meth isn't helping and it's important to try to take things one at a time without getting overwhelmed by it all (easier said than done I know). It's understandable that you can't do outpatient, but if you can spend some time seeking out a counsellor, and maybe at some point an intensive outpatient program, or even a support group, this will help. It's important for us in our recovery that we don't allow ourselves to get stuck in our own heads, which is where the support from others come in. We need supportive, healthy people in our corner, even if they are not our immediate family. I could keep talking, as I completely feel your pain and want you to be OK, but just want you to know more than anything to keep the hope and please remember you are never alone.

    You may (unfortunately) get some silly unthoughtful comments from time to time here but overall there's a few people here who know exactly what you're going through and are totally on your side. Good luck, keep doing the work, and please do keep us posted!
  16. Joseph

    Joseph DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    This response is a bit simplistic considering "old friends" had nothing to do with the situation, and this comment doesn't really provide much support to someone who has just shared their heart and soul on a forum asking for guidance. It's possible that you've never been in such a situation but complex situations, especially involving addiction, don't always mesh well with simplistic responses like "just get away." If you're shocked by this thread I'm not sure what to tell you, but it's the kind of stuff we talk about around here.
    deanokat and all37 like this.
  17. all37

    all37 Member

    thank u for your supportive feedback. i do feel
    Thank you for welcoming me and offering me support. This has been very difficult for me to accept. Im a very disciplined in control person. So to loose control of this is very uncomfortable for me. i dont even feel comfortable in my own skin right now. I feel like Im a stranger. And even tho I knew I would always carry this addiction inside me Im very saddened that I truly am stuck with it forever. You mention getting stuck in your own head and yeah that about sums me up. I know I cant continue to grieve the loss of my 12 years clean and sober but the tear in my heart I created when I used is overwhelming sometimes. Like today. Im trying to stay focused on the fact that I am a flawed human. But Im very hard on myself and dont easily let go of things I do. And I dont know why because the qualities I love most about people are their flaws. I notice things about people they probably dont even know about themselves. Im quiet not the center of attention type person. An observer. And the flaws people own make them real and unique. But for some reason even tho i own my flaws and know them well I can not cut myself any slack for my mistakes. do you have any advise do i hold myself to a different higher standard then others? I hope not because that would suggest I feel Im above others. Im a very humble,loving person who gives the same respect to all people whether they r the janitor or the manager. Maybe because of my addiction I hold myself to stricter standards then I would someone else because I never want to be put in the "junkie" category and dismissed again. I was angry with my family and didnt speak of see most of them for about 7 years after I got clean. They always made me feel I didnt meet their standards of a human if i wasnt doing well in life. I was always less than if i wasnt working or too skinny. But they were humbled and we all made our peace with each other and were all very close now. I havent told any of them and dont know that i need to. It would devastate alot of them. They put me on some pedastool for fighting thru the addiction and becoming a productive member of society. I dont know that they are capable of understanding that humans will always be flawed and make some of the same bad choices throughout life. My mom did not react well. I thought I may have to fight her. She gets disappointed or fears someones actions and she verbally attacks and putdown every piece of you. She called me all kinds of awful things. Acted as though she hated me. I was nothing but the scum in the soap dish over one fall. She is an alchoholic who lost us to the foster care sysrem when i was 15. my youngest sibling was 6. She never was able to stay sober long enough for the state to let her have us back. Always got as far as the judge signing the release and shed mess it up. So Im sure my relapse is playing with her own downfalls. But to react in such a hateful way was heartbreaking. Ive made my peace with my mom 10 years ago. she live with my kids and i and it has been very difficult to be around her even after she apoligized. She isnt capable of having compassion for me in this and Im fine with that but I will have refuse her verbal abuse because im not allowing her to beat me down like that again. Im sorry for the novel I have written i guess i have more madness than i though inside me. As far as you not wanting me to loose hope.... my hope is in the lord but i have lost it for myself. This has made me question how i should have hope now but couldnt find it to stop myself from using??? how strong is my faith in god if i didnt stand on it to stay sober? why do i deserve mercy? i will admit i have been repeatedly drug along every heartbreak that could be dished out except the loss of a child. been ripped apart just to pick up my pieces to put back together just to have something else rush in and scatter my pieces to the ground again. but how do u make peace with the things you destroy yourself with? I must be stuck in my mind again. Im getting off here for now. Thank you all so much for caring and supporting me on here. means alot to have somewhere to unleash the madness.
  18. IrishHeather

    IrishHeather Active Contributor

    all37 I know what you are going thru, I have read your posts and my heart goes out to you. The very fact that you have put yourself 'out there' so to speak, says volumes about who you are inside. Are you an addict...yes, you are (as am I and many of the folks here). But you are also a mother, a survivor, a kind and caring soul, and most importantly you are a woman of power! I have been sober for 4+ years and one of my greatest fears is relapse. My situation shares many similarities to yours, so know that you are not alone in the battle that you fight. Please don't ever apologize about writing to much here, that's what this forum is for! It is a place that we can all share stories and help each other out in times of need and doubt. You are so much stronger than you know. I believe in you and I am proud that you have gotten this far on your path. Please keep us updated on how you are doing (good or bad). You are in my thoughts!
    all37 likes this.
  19. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @all37... Please know that you are an incredibly courageous woman. I'm so glad that you are here and feel comfortable enough to share with us so openly. Please try to live in the moment. Yesterday's gone, and we don't know what tomorrow will bring. Today is all we have. Write as much as you want, whenever you want. We are here to support and assist you in any way we can.

    Hugs and positive, healing vibes being sent your way.
    all37 likes this.
  20. EditorsRHumansToo!

    EditorsRHumansToo! Community Champion

    Hi @all37 I'm just wondering about how you're doing? Ever since you shared your story, I have been thinking of you very much. Please, hang in there. God has heard your prayers. He will continue to hear your every cry and will help you every time. God also loves your precious children. ALL four of them! His love for you and your children remains and will never leave you. You also do have friends-- your kind boss who accepts and understands. I believe he/she is one of your "Angels" looking after you :)

    I look forward to hearing from you, @all37.

    Much love sent your way.