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Relapsed but making a comeback

Discussion in 'Methamphetamine / Meth' started by Julio T., Nov 9, 2018.

  1. Julio T.

    Julio T. Member

    So shortly after my first post on oct 5th I relapsed on meth. I had Been home 9 days after being in rehab for two months , then relapsed 12 days later, then 9,then 6,then 4 days. Then I was using everday started using on Thursday till I was able to and stoped last Thursday. I have 7 days clean and sober and have detoxed from the drug. It was kind of hard not too bad, slept through the week only getting up to eat like a madman or to use the bathroom. I made the decision to take my ass in to a NA meeting and found a sponsor. I’m surrounding myself with the fellowship and taking small steps which I know I could be doing a lot more but still I’m taking the right steps for my recovery. Scary ass hell when I think back at how much and how quickly I fell into the addiction again. I overdosed Sunday oct 28th the doctors said if I would of made it any later I would of suffered permanent brain damage and inevitably cardiac arrest. I saw the changes in my mood and thinking, they were getting pretty bad i was scared most of the time and honestly I don’t even like the high i actually hate it. But as much as I am ashamed, as much guilt and remorse that I feel, I keep asking myself the same question. “Why do I continue wanting to use, why do I still have intense cravings and anxiety for something that I hate?” I’m embarrassed and feel horrible for disappointing my family, friends, and all the good people rooting for me. But I can’t shake the urge to use. Will this stop sooner or later? All I know and the one thing I can say with confidence, is that I’m still in the fight and I won’t surrender I can’t and I won’t I love my life . I just can’t wait to enjoy life for what it is. I want to live life without being controlled by drinking and drugging. In the end I just want to be happy I just wish it would hurry up.
    Sara.pitchford likes this.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Julio T. good morning. thanks for reaching out. glad you have 7 days and a determination to stay on track.

    regarding your questions.... i do believe the intensity of the cravings will decrease over least that's what those with decent recovery time say.... although some say they must keep their recovery efforts first in their life or the brain tends to resort back to wanting to use.... so yes, work the NA program... every day.

    for some recovering addicts, recovery is a lifelong journey....

    do you have a counselor? may do you well to work out some things in therapy addiction specialist can be helpful....

    and know we are here! anytime!
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Julio T.... Please try to let the embarrassment and shame go. Relapses happen. Just do everything you can to get back on the right path. Addiction isn't a moral failing. It's a disease. So you're not a bad person. You're a sick person. And you're trying to get better, so that's a huge positive. Do this for yourself and try not to worry about what other people think about any of it.

    As far as your questions go, I really don't have any direct experience that would allow me to answer them intelligently. But I'm guessing @True concern could shed some light on them. I'm hoping he will weigh in.

    Like @Dominica, I think a counselor could really help you, too.

    We're here for you. No matter what. So please take advantage of us and lean on us anytime.

    Sending you encouragement and hope.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  4. Julio T.

    Julio T. Member

    Thank you Dominica I appreciate you replying. At the moment I do not have a counselor but it is on my list and I know it would be a huge help for myself. But I am going to a chemical dependency program with kaiser apart from going to 12 step meetings. I have a case manager and they also have an addiction specialist there that I see once a week. As far as the recovery length, unfortunately I kind of know from experience from when I got sober last January. I was going to meetings every day,then at 5 months I thought I knew it all and stopped going only to relapse 1 day shy of 6 months. So I know if I want to stay sober I have to make NA my way of life. Also before agreeing to sponsor me, he made it clear that i was going to have to give him the next two years of my life going to meetings with him everyday and I am. I can’t wait to be a person in long term recovery and be rid of the obsession.
    Dominica, True concern and deanokat like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Julio T. So for me I too hate meth and the high yet for the longest time I couldn't stop,for me it was numbing my feelings such as being embarrassed or ashamed even though those thing's I was ashamed and embarrassed about only took place while on meth,at a certain point we don't know what to do other than continue destroying ourselves.After enough relapses I learned to hate the drug,I started digging,spilling my every emotion and for me I am not good face to face...especially in the beginning of sobriety so I used this forum and literally everything that has bothered me in the past 10 month's, everything I have felt is here on this website but it is necessary to release it and receive feedback so that we can heal.The cravings varies for everyone but they decrease as you open up,it may sound crazy...but it's not we can't carry the weight of the world without falling so why try?Reach out my friend and you will slowly feel the major positive impact it is having on your mind,body,and soul.Stay Strong and God Bless you
    Sara.pitchford likes this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks, Arthur!
    True concern likes this.
  7. Julio T.

    Julio T. Member

    Thanks @deanokat I’m grateful for the people and the feedbac and at the moment that’s my biggest issue I can’t get past the guilt I beat my self over and over about what and how I could of done things differently. But I’m done thinking what if and I’m trying to get over feeling sorry myself, everyday I go deeper into a pity party and I’m tired of it. So I’m determined to change. Grateful to be part of this. Group
    Dominica, deanokat and True concern like this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Everyone's got their own issues, @Julio T. We're all fighting some sort of battle. So just try to accept your stuff and do what you can to better yourself. Shame/guilt/embarrassment/pity don't do a damn thing except make you feel like sh*t. And feeling like sh*t isn't any fun!

    Keep doing what you're doing. And be proud of yourself!
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    Sounds like a very good sponsor..... glad you're open to that and NA is a way of your life now.... You're learning valuable lessons all along this path, huh? Glad to be part of your recovery journey now, and life journey. We'll always be here for you, cheering for you and believing the best for you!
    deanokat likes this.
  10. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    Someone once said those who are forgiven much, love much. (maybe Jesus)..... let go of the guilt... all you have is today...and each moment as it comes. ALL OF US HAVE MISSED THE MARK.... to some degree. no more beating yourself up mister. it was also jesus who said our righteousness is as filthy rags. haha. we all have the capacity to think horrible things and do hurtful (and dumb) things... everyone. and sometimes we do, BUT.... we can choose to change it up... start doing things differently.... one hour or day at a time.

    don't let your past dictate your now and future. those who know better, do better. you're knowing better and are not doing better. not perfect...but that's not our aim.... progress is our aim...

    rooting for you!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Julio T.... Hope your weekend was a good one. How are things going with you? Let us know if you get a spare minute. We're thinking of you and we care.
    True concern likes this.