So shortly after my first post on oct 5th I relapsed on meth. I had Been home 9 days after being in rehab for two months , then relapsed 12 days later, then 9,then 6,then 4 days. Then I was using everday started using on Thursday till I was able to and stoped last Thursday. I have 7 days clean and sober and have detoxed from the drug. It was kind of hard not too bad, slept through the week only getting up to eat like a madman or to use the bathroom. I made the decision to take my ass in to a NA meeting and found a sponsor. I’m surrounding myself with the fellowship and taking small steps which I know I could be doing a lot more but still I’m taking the right steps for my recovery. Scary ass hell when I think back at how much and how quickly I fell into the addiction again. I overdosed Sunday oct 28th the doctors said if I would of made it any later I would of suffered permanent brain damage and inevitably cardiac arrest. I saw the changes in my mood and thinking, they were getting pretty bad i was scared most of the time and honestly I don’t even like the high i actually hate it. But as much as I am ashamed, as much guilt and remorse that I feel, I keep asking myself the same question. “Why do I continue wanting to use, why do I still have intense cravings and anxiety for something that I hate?” I’m embarrassed and feel horrible for disappointing my family, friends, and all the good people rooting for me. But I can’t shake the urge to use. Will this stop sooner or later? All I know and the one thing I can say with confidence, is that I’m still in the fight and I won’t surrender I can’t and I won’t I love my life . I just can’t wait to enjoy life for what it is. I want to live life without being controlled by drinking and drugging. In the end I just want to be happy I just wish it would hurry up.