An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the DrugAbuse.com Forums?Join or

Ride or die, no other way

Discussion in 'Sobriety Tips and Inspiration' started by Joshstillclean, Apr 11, 2019.

  1. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Senior Contributor

    I haven't posted here in a while. I needed time to get away and get my mind off of drugs when I finally went for the last detox (subs and valium). It was hard. No that's an understatement, twice I ended up in the hospital the second time from a minor heart attack. This due to stress coming off of benzos, and I was tapering sllloooowwwww.
    For a long time I felt as if I would just never feel the same w/o that little care free buzz. I was depressed. Bad. I stopped posting on here around that time and even moved back to my home city. Don't know why because I didn't want to see anyone but was terrified of being alone. Never satisfied. But I was about to have to go on dialysis, it was be depressed or die early.
    Well I can tell everyone something very encouraging, I don't exactly know when I became happy, truly happy, again, but I did. As I write this I'm 100% great with how life is at the moment.
    There's really no need to share all of my horror stories, we all have them. I just wanted to say as one who seriously doughted this, if you stick with it, you WILL find a joy in life like a little child.
    I once (when drunk) told my sister that I wish I could be a kid again so I could be happy. She looked at me and said you didn't have to be a child to be happy. I laughed at her. It was a condescending laugh as if she needed to wisen up.
    No, it was me that was wrong. She had it right. Just want to say if you want it its free, just takes preserving. But well worth it.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    What a beautiful post, @Joshstillclean. I'm so glad you came back and updated us with this wonderful news. It sounds like things are the best that they can be for you, and that's amazing. Keep doing what you're doing and feel free to post in the forum anytime you'd like. We can always use success stories like yours to help inspire others who are struggling.

    Yes, the work is hard. But yes, the end result is incredibly worth it.

    Thanks for your post!
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Joshstillclean hey there! so happy for you! i understand you've been through a whole lot this life journey! Glad that it's come around full circle and you're feeling better.

    Thanks for the update... please know we are always here for you...come anytime!
    deanokat and Joshstillclean like this.
  4. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @Joshstillclean that is inspiring to hear. Many of us suffer from depression either because of the drug use or we self-medicate with drugs because we are depressed. It will help many to hear about your joy.
  5. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Senior Contributor

    That's probably one of the main reasons I came back because when I was really in the thick of it, detoxing hard and stuff, or especially post acute withdrawal(when I wanted to cave so bad) all I read were horror stories.
    Even in meetings it seemed like negative outpour of the most distressed souls on earth. However I'm sure my frame of mind had a lot to do with how I viewed things. But it really is encouraging to hear of someone get some time clean. For me a year is ALOT of time. And especially if they were on the same stuff you were; the hope is exponentially more appreciated.
    Personally I was depressed and anxious and drugging /drinking made it worse. Purdue Pharmaceuticals didn't help either. My dad regrets not sharing more of his story and how he was during/after Vietnam so I'm being open. I want people to know how horrible it is but if they've already found themselves there then know it can be beaten.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Joshstillclean I am so proud of you it can never truly be understood simply through this form of communication but please know from deep within my heart and soul i always knew you would overcome and find inner peace. I remember when you first started sharing with me via inbox and so fourth I could feel the urgency in your situation as if you were a reflection of myself, I realize that probably sounds odd however I think you understand what I am getting at,I will be honest I really missed you when you left even though I knew ultimately that is the goal..."Heal-Address-Release-Push Forward"So in my heart I understood and you are correct, reading or hearing the worst of the worst on an endless loop does become very difficult for a person who is trying to change the scenario themselves so your decision to step away 100% the correct move.I had done the same a few month's ago and was doing well until the day my dad's storage was broken into a second time and it left my entire family with absolutely nothing to fall back on financially as my dad's life work and all his tools were stolen all together a loss of over 200 thousand but I am getting back on track and cannot allow that to be a pity me reason to use so I am refocused and I just keep telling myself positive thing's about myself over and over until my subconscious accepts it as reality.I will be the me I thrive to be and that is a person who is here to support and listen as well as offer advice as best I can. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat, Dominica and Joshstillclean like this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Proud of you my friend. You are a hero in my eye's. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
  8. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Senior Contributor

    I'm really sorry to hear about that theft. That's a major loss, but training your subconscious to think positive is a great thing to do. Hard, but good.
    From everything you've told me you always bounce back and I believe it.
    You got this.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Ya many thing's I have said are lies I would tell myself, I imagine it was in many case's a survival technique but truthfully I no longer allow myself to believe my own bullshit, I may have said I always bounce back and many time's I have but never with the tools in place to stay on the right track like inner peace and acceptance of the past is the past I use to trap myself replaying my failures and eventually I was consumed again, my heart has finally started to accept no matter how bad I feel for the past I cannot change it so no more do I see failure I now see life was teaching me to appreciate versus brag about the thing's I charish....Faith and time and remaining humble and grateful for every day I have.I can't replace the bad memories without creating good one's so patience and faith and in time I will shine brighter than ever.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
  10. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    deanokat likes this.
  11. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Senior Contributor

    @True concern hey there, I couldn't stop thinking about this post last night. And I even woke up,with it still on my mind. I'm going to have to disagree with you on one point you made here. And that is that all the stuff you said about yourself is BS and you just allowed yourself to believe it to make yourself feel better about your own self.
    Let me tell you something my friend, there may be a few things you need to do differently or think differently about but one thing remains the same, as it should. I came to this site and you were the first person to respond to me. In fact with a sense of urgency! It was you honestly that kept me from calling the dope guy my first few days in. That's true man.
    When I would check in from time to time on the site you were there...when I came back, guess who was here? Your loyalty to others and a desire to do right are a constant in your heart and in your life I really believe. We all have faults, every one of us.
    Its NOT a lie that you bounce back! That's your addicted mindset speaking.
    I've seen lots of people on this site drop off the map and pretty sure it didn't turn out well for them. As an addict you know this is something we will all have to battle the rest of our lives. But you admitted relapsing, that's not a proud moment and you stood up, and did it. That's courage. And im proud of you for that.
    Day what now? Going on a week? That's awesome not BS there for sure. For an addict and given that you could get dope and booz pretty much whenever you wanted having any days days means you have a desire...and that's all it takes to get there. Man just keep that desire stronger than any temptation.
    One last thing, after drinking or using you know as well as I that your in a depressed state of mind for at least a good few days so that's not at all the best time to say your mindset about your life is a lie. Keep up what your doing true and if you do you will succeed. And you help a lot of people, that's not to be taken for granted.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

  13. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I am approaching this realistically this time
    Joshstillclean, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  14. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Senior Contributor

    Way to go. Your about to drive home the last nail in your active addictions coffin man.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Joshstillclean What you say is true...depression is a self defeating emotion and I will not lie my struggle has carried on for so long that yes at time's doubt set's in,usually when it does I become very self centered as a way to pull my self out of the depression the down side is in those moment's I replace sadness with anger and when I do I become over confident. I can't allow that to happen anymore as it's a never ending cycle of trapping myself so I have to stay extremely humble and allow my faith and time to steer me away from my own sabotage. I have spent more time fighting addiction than accepting it...the time period is roughly 20 year's of struggling and believe it or not even though I used meth for way to long I still have all my own teeth and never once have I had a cavity,anyone who knows about meth understands that shouldn't be possible but I am blessed and I will keep adding day's. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  16. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I am going to see how thing's go,true change takes time and I accept that now
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  17. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Senior Contributor

    More time fighting it than excepting it. I like that. And I laughed out loud when you you said you still had all got teeth kudos bro!
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  18. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Most meth users cannot make that claim honestly I have been truly blessed
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  19. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Senior Contributor

    Keep focusing on those blessings. I have sticky notes on my wall,and doors and dash of quotes and reminders. Some reminders of reasons why I don't want to relapse most reminders of good things that have happened since I quit. I try to focus on the blessings, but a slap to the face reminder of some things I regret helps me also. Everyday, every single day, everything I do is centered around staying clean.
    Even when I mentioned coaching my sons soccer team, he loves it but the reason I do it is two fold, it also helps me fill my time. I realized I cannot stay idle. An hour of boredom will have me craving some oxy so bad I sweat. Not exaggerating!
    Kind of went on a rant but just letting you know I feel for your struggles.
    deanokat, Dominica and DoxyMom like this.
  20. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You have made it my friend from the very beginning I knew you would.
    Joshstillclean, deanokat and Dominica like this.