Running out of choices

Hello, I am new here. I have been an addict all my life. I started on H when I was 12, and was actively strung out for around 35 years. In the system several times, in rehab at least 14 times, locked up, and then did a serious stretch. And when I finally got clean, it was kicking and screaming. My wife was the voice of reason through the worst years of it, who put me in hospitals, rehab, counseling, and finally divorced me and had me locked up is now still my partner. We got back together and had several really good years. Then in a twist of fate, SHE started using H. Everyone who knows us was "WHAT!? WTF? After everything she saw why on earth would she choose this?" Especially in middle age. In a Fentanyl crisis. There's a little more to the story but it is so confusing now. I was always the bad guy and it is all reversed now. In a way this gives her some kind of leeway, she believes. Like she is owed something. We have had all the 'big talks'; with our counselors etc. yap yap. I do not know what to do anymore.

@ChelseaDrugs First congrats on you finally getting sober,the extremes you went through and overcame are admirable and I commend you're courage to commitment of sobriety.I am sorry to hear about your wife and I am happy to hear you are doing the best you can to help her like she did for you.I have a question and I mean no offense in anyway by it.Was it all the help she provided via support and reason that helped you get sober?or the long stretch that forced you to get sober?or did you finally decide enough was enough?...Ok that was 3 questions and I only ask because I am honestly curious as I have struggled off and on for over 20 year's myself,and you're life event's appear more severe than mint yet truly very similar at the same time.All I can really offer is my reason..why I finally did it.Honest to God truth was I lost my wife of over 15 year's and kept getting high for another 2+ year's and I got to the point where I finally had enough myself.It sounds as if you are doing what the "book" suggest,meaning counseling, reaching out, giving support,etc and I pray somehow someway she does decide to quit using.Looking forward to hearing back from you.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS

Hey TC, I think once I did get clean it was for real. Yes, my wife was putting me in rehab etc, but now in retrospect I am not so sure about her motivations. We are both musicians and were always on the road, so my messy life affected several close friends, and her. And now that things are reversed I see how some of these thoughts are purely pragmatic: "what would I do with a dead body? e.g. Will they arrest me too?" I know this sounds crude, but once love leaves the building this is what you are left with. Once she had reached the point of divorcing me I know she was done with me LOL. The twist in all this is that we got back together. By now I was really clean, and we met in court, and it started back up. I think now that the relationship never was really healthy, not based on strong principals. Yes I had been clean by then but like I said earlier it was kicking and screaming. I was locked up and could not get to anything, and it took about a year for me to finally 'get it'. But it didn't last, and we both started using together. And then I met one woman, a counselor, ex-addict who somehow got through to me, and got me to stop on my own. Once that took I never looked back. Nowadays I could have a big pile of that stuff in front of me, and I wouldn't care. The problem is my wife now. It scares me with that Fentanyl out there; also the whole insanity of what it means to be an active drug user is front and center in my mind. I can't imagine doing what I used to do every day. And that is where she is at now: in a removed world.

I can not say how helpful it is to talk about all this here. I hope it s okay to vent with all that crap. Thanks to Dominica and deanokat for replying.