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Sad, upset, depressed......going on 14 years!

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by CHelms, Jun 1, 2015.

  1. CHelms

    CHelms Member

    I keep telling everyone my problems and I get LOTS of advice but in a way i'm an addict myself. I love my husband so much, more than you can imagine, but i HATE the addict with a passion that you've never known before. I hate being around him and hate everything about him. But I stay with him knowing the pain and heartache he causes for the few moments I may get when my husband comes out. I haven't seen him much in all these years, so why am I still here? Why am I still waiting for someone I may never see again? I can't leave, can't leave him, I know I can't fix him so don't think that's the issue. I'm way over that statement. That was 10 years ago! I guess I thought if he really wanted to bad enough and he wanted to be with me enough he could fight the addiction no matter how much of a hold it had on him. I'm such a strong person I guess I just thought he was strong also. I guess not everyone can be as strong as me. I'm too forgiving. I've done it so long that I keep doing it and nothing changes. He went to a detox facility like he said he would, but he left earlier than he should have. I don't know the whole story, but he was picked up at 2am when they stated they don't release people EVER at that time. So I'm guessing he walked out. He was supposed to go to an outpatient place today for an apt and he said he went and it was an evaluation and he's supposed to be back in at 8am tomorrow. I told him that I want to go with him. That I really want to see what these people are going to say. I want them to see what he has to lose in me and my kids before they just go treating him like any other patient. I'm at a loss for words. I'm so upset with him for everything he has done and I this time I haven't taken it lightly at all! I've called him out on all his bullshit and lies. (He's never been a good liar anyway) But I found out today that he may have relapsed long before I was even aware of it. He had no signs, nothing to show but this is my last shot. I can't keep going through this and putting my kids through this and waiting on him any longer. I honestly feel I've already waited too long. My heart is broken and there's no love left for him. I don't know if I will ever completely love him again like I did. I know there is love for him, but not like it was years ago. He's broken me and he's never given it enough time to fix what he's broken before he screws up and breaks it again. There's just too many cracks to fix this time. He asked me to give him a week and I did, he asked me to give it the weekend and I did, he came home today saying he was going tomorrow. I know he wants to be free of drugs. He cries all the time about it. He hates it and wants to be free. That's what makes all this so hard, because he feels he can't do it on his own and the places he goes to i don't feel help enough. This week is all I can give him. If its not better by Friday I'll have to be on my way. I just can't do it any longer. I can't wait on him and be miserable because my kids suffer when he's here and I'm unhappy with him. Its hard to be happy at all when he's around. I had a week of happiness when he was in the detox facility and I really wish he would have stayed, even if it was only for a few more hours so I could get some peace. Sorry for the long rant. Not looking for advice, more to just vent. Going to call a counselor for myself tomorrow and see what she thinks of all of this.
  2. ejclarke

    ejclarke Member

    I really feel for you. I had the same issues with my partner for about two years.
    Eventually I decided, for my own sanity, to call it quits.

    Sometimes, no matter how much love and support you offer, it is not possible to help someone. It only drags you to the bottom again and again.
    When there are children involved it must be even more complicated. At least we never had children so I guess the break was less traumatic.

    Best wishes to you, whatever happens.
  3. MyDigitalpoint

    MyDigitalpoint Community Champion

    When someone doesn't wants to be helped, no matter how much you try, there is very little to do there.

    I know this can sadden your heart, make you feel truly bad, but the only you can do is what you have decided to do, so go ahead with self-confidence because you have exhausted all the chances for making things would be different, but your husband can't see it, and you will obviously cannot wait for him to understand, not at the cost of your kids' wellness.

    Best of luck on your decision.