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Same old, same old

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Bonsai52, Dec 8, 2018 at 8:36 AM.

  1. Bonsai52

    Bonsai52 Member

    Why is it that our addicted brains imagine a normal life without the craving to use? It feels to me like a voice inside my head (has it always been there?) that sometimes is fierce and sometimes it just whispers, "Do it. Screw all the hard work. You only live once. You may be dead tomorrow... etc." I have fought with that voice since forever and its exhausting and relentless. Just when you think its gone for good, you recognize it hiding behind another substance, another screw up, another wrong road...I am so tired of this dysfunctional thinking and I'm SOBER! Yet I really believe with that part of me that I'd do better at life under the influence of something. Anything. First it was alchohol, then oxycontin (which to me- then- was sent from God), then methadone, then suboxone...now nothing for past month and a half and I feel like something is seriously missing. Like missing from all aspects of my life. The charge is gone. When will it ever get better? I am not a great actor and feel bad for those around me. I was much more put together than this! Whoops, that was that voice I told you about. The real me knows that I'm better off this way. Mentally, spiritually, physically, and the big financially! I know it, I know it, I know it, and yet sometimes I really want to listen to that voice...no, I mean, REALLYreallyreally want to listen! Why does time stretch out so long when you aren't in a good place? If it weren't for the stories of others who made it thru...Idk what I'd do. So, thanks to all who have shared.
    lonewolves and True concern like this.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Congrats on your sobriety, @Bonsai52. How long has it been? Just curious. Thanks so much for the insightful, thought-provoking post. I hope the stories here at this forum help keep you on the right track. :)
    True concern likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Bonsai52 congrats on your clean time. i'm not sure how long it takes to get back to "normal"...or to feel the feelings you're wanting to feel. i do know it takes time and work. doing the healing work. just curious, are you seeing a counselor? when we feel as if something is missing, sometimes there are underlying reasons... that can be worked out in therapy. sometimes there's a spiritual component missing... the all to common, "who am i and what is my purpose?" questions... we all have that at times...and it's not a piece of cake trying to figure it out honestly.

    but, stay on the clean and sober path, b/c the alternative will just get you more and more in the dark... and misery. and you know that.

    knowing that has kept me from self-medicating at various times in life....

    know that we are here anytime. keep coming back!
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    This one got me thinking!Did I type this?Or someone else?I know it wasn't me but one of the thing's I struggle with as well as these thing's is feeling like I'm the only one..Again I know I'm not but those addict thoughts:confused:can be exhausting for sure.For myself I think time slows down because I'm not chasing away the sick,or I'm not only focused on one thing..that next dose.We spent so much time programming ourselves to chase a feeling,increase a tolerance, and then we at some point see what we have done and start to "Undo"what we have created through a "Good time"but it can't be undone it can only be changed,then we must reprogram to reverse the tolerance and keep it in check...truly exhausting.I have heard different variations of how long it takes,I have been up and down the road so many time's yet I do not know how long it truly takes.I believe the correct answer is it takes a lifetime commitment to stay on track and not say Fu*k it but like you that thought or voice creeps in from time to time and we must maintain the ability to ignore it or recognize it...We created it,we must control it,only we can change it...these are the thoughts I try to throw in front of the other's and often time's I just have reflect on the past and in those moment's I start creating threads,or reading post and thinking....Does this hit me like a ton of bricks?Can I relate?Exhausting....Yet necessary and for myself it has allowed me to make progress,I imagine much like yourself and I as well must thank everyone who post on here because it let's me see....i am not the only one,and sometimes knowing that helps me and other time's it really hurts me because I don't want anyone else to hurt like me,addiction is terrible and confusing but it's here so we must keep fighting and pushing forward....Progress not perfection is another thing I try to throw in my head when those thoughts and feelings arise. Definitely a thought provoking post you created here.Stay Strong My Friend We Are Here For You And You Are Not Alone.
    deanokat likes this.
  5. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Bonsai Hello and welcome (? i think you are new to the site?)
    I can relate 100%...also to the oxy as being a gift from God...but it isn't is it?
    I am newly back (60 days today clean) and been in and out over the past 25 yrs. I have the answer of why you feel everything you are feeling: no charge, the voices all while clean too...
    it is because we are addicts and this is how we are wired and this is our disease that wants to kill us. We have the only disease that tells us that we don't have a disease to mess with our minds and if we aren't on top of it will take us right out in a second.
    We get a DAILY REPRIEVE the NA text says. Sometimes it is all day long I struggle with the thoughts and sometimes just in the mornings or afternoons etc. But I depend on having smart feet that take me to a meeting or the phone to reach out or the computer to this site. I just don't keep it in anymore. If I share about it then it isn't a secret and doesn't grow. You are doing that. You are doing the right thing by talking about it.
    My first response to anything uncomfortable is to use. A month and a half being off that stuff is nothing compared to how many days, day after day most likely that you have used. So this is all normal and part of the uncomfortable and new process. Even if one has been clean before for any period as I have been, it is hard and uncomfortable and not our second nature so it feels like something is missing.
    Thats why meetings are great medicine for this. Do you have any in your area? Have you ever been to an NA meeting?
    You are moving on the right path. Stay the course. If it were easy and comfortable everyone would be clean.
    Keep sharing here! Keep living!
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Liola happy 60 days clean! that's fantastic!!

    you're such a blessing here on this site... thank you for showing up as you do!

    have a beautiful day, my friend!
    True concern likes this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Congrats on your 60 days, @Liola! You are a badass!!! Just keep going!!!! We love having you in our community!!! :)
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Liola Congratulations on 60 day's, what a great accomplishment. Make ure you get your 60 day chip:).I am so proud of you..today is a good day,this makes me happy
    Dominica likes this.
  9. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Thank you my special support circle of real friends!
    deanokat, True concern and Dominica like this.