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Scared for my son

Discussion in 'Heroin' started by forlucyslove, Nov 24, 2015.

  1. forlucyslove

    forlucyslove Member

    My son was recently introduced to heroin by his girlfriend. She has used it since she was 15, now she's 21. He broke down a month ago and told me about it. He was so upset with himself and told her that it was the him or the heroin and that he was not going to do it anymore. He stayed strong until last week but then she convinced him to do it again. She does not want to be clean and sober. I know this because she told me so herself. He again was so upset and disappointed with himself. I'm fortunate that he tells me everything. He knows that I'm here for him. He loves her so much and that scares me to death. If he continues to give in when she wants to use his life is in danger. He has so much to lose and I am terrified. Any words of wisdom are appreciated. I am an alcoholic and addict in recovery now for over 7 years and I know the long painful road of addiction and don't want it for my son.
    TheWife likes this.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @forlucyslove... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your son and his girlfriend. Heroin is a nasty drug, for sure. My son is 25 years old and is 3 years clean from heroin, so I have an idea of what you're going through.

    Talk to your son often. Tell him how much you love him and how concerned you are for his well-being. Tell him how his heroin use makes you feel. Don't get angry. Just talk to him with compassion and empathy.

    The hardest part about being a parent in a situation like this is that we can't control or fix our child. They will decide to use or not use drugs no matter what we want. All we can do is talk to them and hope they make the right decisions. They have to want to change.

    I wish I had a magical solution to your problem, but I don't. However, I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers.

    Sending you peace and hugs.
  3. forlucyslove

    forlucyslove Member

    Thank you so much for your response. I'm so glad that your son is now free from the drug. My Son is 24. I appreciate all of your advice and thank you for your support.
  4. xeylonfm

    xeylonfm Member

    Very sorry about how things have turned for your son. However, we need that optimism and encouragement before we can realize that your son can come clean if he has just begun. This community is full of individuals who have gone through addiction and have come out of such a hell hole and believe that every other person out there who is hooked to something deserves to be cleansed and revived. I think you are lucky because your son has shared with you the drug-relationship complex which I must admit is a danger in itself. We can establish two basic properties from your story; your son is at the brink of getting hooked, he acknowledges it and is against it deep down within himself, and the other fact is that his girlfriend has made it clear that she is not only out to keep drugging herself but is also determined to stay so and sink your son in the name of love. I think the best preliminary step here is to tackle the problem from the roots, which is the relationship. In my opinion life and health is much better than a tainted and drugged relationship and therefore that relationship needs to be severed before your son can be cleansed. [I am sure an expert like Doctor Phil would agree with this]. However if this step is not taken, then your son is in for the worst. Wish you well on this.
    ljlayton likes this.
  5. forlucyslove

    forlucyslove Member

    Thank you for your response. I agree completely with you about severing the relationship. Unfortunately it is easier said than done. I appreciate the support from this site. I feel alone in this fight for his life so finding this site is god send.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

  7. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Unfortunately ultimatums don't work. There is a very good reason for that. "I love you and we can do this together. Lets do whats right for us. I want to spend my life with you and you mean so much to me." Reinforcing togetherness and support. Long range vision of being together. See how she reacts to this.
    Maybe what I am saying is too late for him to say if he has given the ultimatum but it is worth a try or perhaps for someone else that might be in the same situation. Saying its me or heroin is an ultimatum. It only works for so long. Its basically a threat if you think about it. We get use to this kind of mentality because it was maybe done to us at some point. Doesn't make it right or the most effective way. The whole idea is to place a positive force in the way we want it to go. Not to scare or use fear to force someone to something even if we know it is the best thing for them. It is a sure way to push someone in the wrong direction.
    The best way with the son maybe is to support him in the way of encouraging him and reinforcing his strong points. He's intelligent and he will figure it out. Do what's best for him in the long run. Focus on the positive. He may not seem terribly intelligent continuing to date someone with this kind of addiction but clearly he is smart enough to know that the addiction needs to stop. Seems like an element of sadism with her to think that she wants to continue after he has made such a statement. This just shows how this works. We know fighting fire with fire doesn't work. She is finding enjoyment in continuing, the sadistic element. Its better not to allow her the pleasure she will only continue like a small child or an immature adult. Him not showing a boundary will teach her that she can get away with it. Its all quite tricky. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way, but hopefully he figures it out quickly. She is being self-destructive. Maybe you want to try and toss your fear aside its not good for you or your son. Many people project their own mistakes on their children. They are not you nor does their life need to be like yours. Think of something else when the fear comes, shift your thinking. Something good.
    forlucyslove likes this.
  8. forlucyslove

    forlucyslove Member

    Thanks so much for your response. I appreciate the support I'm given at this site.
  9. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    Your son's blinded by his love for his girlfriend but he cannot give in to his emotions all the time and should spare some thought for the other people in his lives, especially his parents. The best thing you can do is send both of them to rehab. Ask help from the girl's family members and cooperate with them in deciding your children's future as far as recovery is concerned. You can't go through this alone. Welcome anyone who sincerely offers help. Since it seems like your son can't severe ties with the girlfriend, then they can well recover together. The girlfriend is obviously not in the right mindset so regardless of what she wants, someone has to initiate her recovery.
  10. artyarson

    artyarson Active Contributor

    What a terrible story. Your son is kinda crazy and probably has no real personal values in terms of dating, if he can be manipulated so easily. I'm pretty sure he knows that heroin is a straight path into the grave.
  11. Apes4grapes

    Apes4grapes Member

    So what made him get sober??
  12. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there, @forlucyslove! Welcome to the forum, and thanks for sharing. I am sorry to hear about the struggles you're currently facing due to your son's situation. It must have been really painful for you to go through this as you are a mother. Well, I think the best thing to do is to give him all your support, and encouragement, make him realize that his girlfriend is not good for him. Tell him he deserves so much better than that. Just always lift his spirits up. He may listen to you. I would be praying for you, and your son. Keep us posted.
  13. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    You've every right to be concerned about your son's welfare as every mother should. Your son's girlfriend is hellbent in destroying your son's life and am urging you to take appropriate action NOW. Take matters into your own hands and see to it that she is shut from your son's life. I know this might sound difficult but with determination and zeal, you can achieve this feat. Your son's life is at stake here.
  14. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    After years of enabling and having our lives suffer because of our son's addiction, our wife finally told him: Either go to rehab or leave our home. He left our home for two days, then came back and agreed to go to treatment. We live in Michigan and sent him to Palm Springs, California for treatment. He spent 38 days in treatment and did 2 months of sober living in Palm Springs. Then he returned to Michigan and did a little over a year in a sober living house here. That combination did the trick.
    pstrong1969 likes this.
  15. pstrong1969

    pstrong1969 Community Champion

    I know this must be very difficult to deal with. You know first hand the hard road addiction takes you down. I know it makes all the sense to you for your son just to give this girl up and the using Heroin. But for him it appears to be a very difficult decision. He may have to experience some hard and painful consequences before he sees the truth about the situation. Really you have little control over what he does so i suggest you pray about it and leave the results to God. I wish you all the luck on a pleasant outcome.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. oraclemay

    oraclemay Community Champion

    I think the best advice you can give your son is that he has to tell her she must choose between him and heroin because she loves the drug more than him. Point this out to him. Point out that she is enjoying having power over him, the fact that she is able to persuade him to do something so dangerous. Point out that she cannot love him. Discuss and reason with him that his perception of her and his feelings are out of wack due to taking the heroin, which damages the brain and remains in the system for a time. Tell him to trust you as you have always been there for him. Tell him you know that he does not want this and that he must love himself enough to be able to refuse her, before he can love her. He should be getting her off the stuff, not her getting him on it. Don't give up!
    TheWife and deanokat like this.
  17. tabithafitz

    tabithafitz Member

    I went through this with my brother inlaw. His mother made the difficult decision to get him arrested so he would get help, he has now been clean for going on two years. She said she would rather see him in jail then find him dead somewhere from an over dose. He didn't end up in jail though, at his hearing the judge sentenced him to a year rehab and a year probation with NA meetings. Heroin is something an addict will fight his whole life if he does not have the support from people who can relate to him.
    TheWife likes this.
  18. Shenwil

    Shenwil Senior Contributor

    I can see you are in a very tough position not knowing how this is going to turn out for your son. I think you should just continue being there for him and talking to him. Ensure he knows the negative implications of heroin use.
  19. Juanpeace

    Juanpeace Active Contributor

    Hello, Lucy I am sorry to hear about your son I hope he can sort things out soon. The only thing you can do is to tell your son that he is the ONLY ONE who ca stop his addiction and tell him you can only help him get better. Tell your son to let you help him and if he does he must follow your lead. Never dictate what he must do let him know he still has control of the situation and it is just up to him to handle the wheel and drive to the safe zone. Love and support are all you can do for now.
    deanokat likes this.
  20. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @forlucyslove... How are things going with your son? Just curious. If you feel like updating us, please do.