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Searching for something to believe in

Discussion in 'Sobriety Tips and Inspiration' started by True concern, Dec 2, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I imagine this is hard enough for a person who has never been an addict or had a traumatic childhood and yet here we are pouring our heart's out,digging, searching for something, a spark of clarity,a glimmer of hope. Addiction has found us,none of us expected to be trapped and consumed by anything let alone a pill,a bottle,a powder yet here we are.I spend a lot of time reflecting on life, both past and present,I remember the looks I would receive on any given day at any given time while I was using and the memory of those looks are stuck in my memory and I've often wondered why?Why do people look down on us?,Why do they judge us?I can see now that even then I was searching for something to believe in, I've always believed in God so that's not the something I speak of,the something I speak of is "People".This may sound odd,it may seem strange but I think I dove so deep into addiction because of the look's, because of the judgement. Why did I care so much about that?I won't try to explain this question because I still don't know why. I have always been a believer in people,I have always thought regardless of a person's personality they are good in spirit,good in soul and just because I don't necessarily associate well with many people I still respect them as human beings and the look's have always bothered me.I have bounced around from bottom to top several time's but every time I did I saw the difference in the look's, When I am doing well I have noticed the same people still have that same look and I never spoke of it until now and I can't help but wonder "Are they searching for something to believe in?"Maybe they have issue's themselves and in some way reflect them off myself in some way,maybe they just need a hug...I don't know,but this much I do know..This time I will keep pushing forward regardless of the look's, this time I may approach them and just give them a big hug and walk away...who knows,maybe the look's will change maybe they won't but this time I won't let the look's rip me apart,I know who I am and I am ok with being a recovering addict, it's never gonna change so I guess this time I will embrace it and remain humble and grateful.By the way I think you are all fantastic human's lol.Stay Strong my friend's I believe in you :)
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I don't have any answers, @True concern. But I know my son goes through some of the same stuff. He mentions the way people look at him a lot. Maybe people look that way because they just don't understand the disease. Or maybe they just don't realize that everyone is fighting some kind of battle. I don't really know. But I do know this: Worrying about what someone might think about you isn't going to keep them from thinking it. So, like so much other stuff, it's out of our control. Which means, we might as well let it go.
    Aodafml2 and True concern like this.
  3. Joyfull

    Joyfull Member

    Dear True:
    Your comments about people judging us really hit home with me... Most of my Family is judgmental of me... It is their Loss that they don't wish to live in Relationship with me and those whom I love. But I never stop loving them, and caring about them! My sister's house came close to being burned up in our horrible fires, and I phoned her to make sure she was out of harm's way -- She was not glad I phoned her, and was upset that I was concerned! So, it feels like I can't overcome this negative stuff... But I'm not going to give up on my Family either! I will continue to love People, and not allow negative stuff to change who I am -- a Loving Human Being!! But, at the same time, I cannot Obsess over how others treat me... I must keep moving forward with my goals and my plans for good health! Joyfull
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Joyfull hi there. i love your positive attitude! yes, you keep on living your life! chin up! family gets complicated for many people. we can hope for the best, but go on living our lives, creating great friendships along the way.
    deanokat likes this.
  5. Hi Joyfull, I read your post and it really struck me so I hope you get this post from me. I was doing the same thing your sister did, I alienated my sister because I thought giving her “tough love” would stop her addiction, it didn’t, the isolation from family made it worse and she is now dead. I regret not taking her phone calls and I regret more than anything not telling her I love her more. I was so angry at her addiction I couldn’t see her. She wouldn’t go to treatment and unfortunately she was so failing health wise that even if she did, I don’t think it would have made a difference. She would have been sober through her death which would have been much more cruel. My point in all this is, please keep reaching out to your family. They need to hear from you before it’s too late, even if you cannot get well, they will tear themselves apart after your gone if they don’t have those memories with you. The only reason I have not jumped in front of a bus from my behavior toward my sister and the guilt I feel is that, the last few weeks before she died, I was having her over for dinner with my mom once a week, I am so grateful that I did that and it’s the only thing sometimes that makes me release a smidge of guilt.
    Her death (and the miscarriage of my second child on Christmas of the same year) has flung me straight into an alcohol addiction that I never dreamed I would have, I don’t like alcohol and alcohol is what killed my sister so I damn well know better but for some reason I guess I do it to punish myself out of guilt?
    I am sure most anyone reading this, Joyfull included would not wish addiction on your loved ones so maybe that’s what needs to be said, try to get better so you don’t leave behind a s*** storm for your sister (or insert your person here) that’s so messed up that all they can think to do is drink away the pain. It’s been almost a year since my sisters death and I have successfully managed to become an evening alcoholic, something I find abhorrent, like I said before, I have never liked alcohol & I know it must stop but I have not yet found the strength to stop, maybe talking to all of you will help me and a year from now and I can post like a lot of you do that I too am sober. I hope my post finds the people who need to read it and God bless all of us on our journeys through this nightmare named addiction.
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2019 at 9:02 AM
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I will comment further just wanted to start by saying I am sorry for your loss.
    deanokat and LookingForTheLight like this.
  7. Thank you, been a s*** year. :(
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @LookingForTheLight... I'm sorry you've had a sh*t year. Life can certainly be cruel sometimes. But believe me when I say that alcohol--or any mind-altering substance, for that matter--is not the answer. Yes, it will numb you temporarily. But it's not going to make any real difference in the long run. In fact, it will likely make things worse going forward. Maybe start out by just cutting back on the alcohol a bit. Drink a little less than usual and see how that goes. Or maybe consider going to an AA or SMART Recovery meeting. Being around others with similar issues can really be helpful and comforting. Trust me: You are not alone, my friend.

    I'm glad you were able to connect a bit with your sister before her death. You are right to be grateful for those dinners you had with her and your mom. But please try not to feel guilty about your previous behaviors toward your sister. Addiction is a family disease, and it affects everyone who loves and cares about the person who is struggling. Your sister's addiction obviously had a profound effect on you. You can't help that. And whatever you did or didn't do when you were dealing with her issue is now in the past. So don't let it eat you up.

    I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sister and your baby. I'm sure the pain from those events was--and probably still is--immense. One other thing you may want to consider is counseling. I think a good therapist could really help you come to terms with a lot of your feelings and get you on the path to feeling better.

    We're here to help, support, and listen, so you can come here anytime you feel the need. Even if you just need to vent, we are here.

    I'm sending you lots of positive energy, sober vibes, hope, and encouragement. Thanks for reaching out and sharing with us. I'm glad you found us.
    True concern likes this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I can't really say it any better than my friend @deanokat has already but I would like to just add as I sympathize with you on hating or disliking a substance and still using it to cause yourself what feels like relief but actually it is self torture and punishment of one's self.For you it's alcohol...for me it was meth.I absolutely hate meth yet there have been plenty of time's I used it to torture myself as I felt I deserved the agony it ultimately delivered, my friend fight that notion because alcohol has taken enough from you as meth has from me.Dont let a substance you hate be what takes you from you or you from other's, dig deep,search long and hard and fight that substance with everything you have inside.There is a brighter light on the other side you just have to keep pushing forward and the darkness will fade.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat likes this.