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Searching for something to believe in

Discussion in 'Sobriety Tips and Inspiration' started by True concern, Dec 2, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I imagine this is hard enough for a person who has never been an addict or had a traumatic childhood and yet here we are pouring our heart's out,digging, searching for something, a spark of clarity,a glimmer of hope. Addiction has found us,none of us expected to be trapped and consumed by anything let alone a pill,a bottle,a powder yet here we are.I spend a lot of time reflecting on life, both past and present,I remember the looks I would receive on any given day at any given time while I was using and the memory of those looks are stuck in my memory and I've often wondered why?Why do people look down on us?,Why do they judge us?I can see now that even then I was searching for something to believe in, I've always believed in God so that's not the something I speak of,the something I speak of is "People".This may sound odd,it may seem strange but I think I dove so deep into addiction because of the look's, because of the judgement. Why did I care so much about that?I won't try to explain this question because I still don't know why. I have always been a believer in people,I have always thought regardless of a person's personality they are good in spirit,good in soul and just because I don't necessarily associate well with many people I still respect them as human beings and the look's have always bothered me.I have bounced around from bottom to top several time's but every time I did I saw the difference in the look's, When I am doing well I have noticed the same people still have that same look and I never spoke of it until now and I can't help but wonder "Are they searching for something to believe in?"Maybe they have issue's themselves and in some way reflect them off myself in some way,maybe they just need a hug...I don't know,but this much I do know..This time I will keep pushing forward regardless of the look's, this time I may approach them and just give them a big hug and walk away...who knows,maybe the look's will change maybe they won't but this time I won't let the look's rip me apart,I know who I am and I am ok with being a recovering addict, it's never gonna change so I guess this time I will embrace it and remain humble and grateful.By the way I think you are all fantastic human's lol.Stay Strong my friend's I believe in you :)
    Falcon likes this.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I don't have any answers, @True concern. But I know my son goes through some of the same stuff. He mentions the way people look at him a lot. Maybe people look that way because they just don't understand the disease. Or maybe they just don't realize that everyone is fighting some kind of battle. I don't really know. But I do know this: Worrying about what someone might think about you isn't going to keep them from thinking it. So, like so much other stuff, it's out of our control. Which means, we might as well let it go.
    Aodafml2 and True concern like this.
  3. Joyfull

    Joyfull Member

    Dear True:
    Your comments about people judging us really hit home with me... Most of my Family is judgmental of me... It is their Loss that they don't wish to live in Relationship with me and those whom I love. But I never stop loving them, and caring about them! My sister's house came close to being burned up in our horrible fires, and I phoned her to make sure she was out of harm's way -- She was not glad I phoned her, and was upset that I was concerned! So, it feels like I can't overcome this negative stuff... But I'm not going to give up on my Family either! I will continue to love People, and not allow negative stuff to change who I am -- a Loving Human Being!! But, at the same time, I cannot Obsess over how others treat me... I must keep moving forward with my goals and my plans for good health! Joyfull
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Joyfull hi there. i love your positive attitude! yes, you keep on living your life! chin up! family gets complicated for many people. we can hope for the best, but go on living our lives, creating great friendships along the way.
    deanokat likes this.
  5. Hi Joyfull, I read your post and it really struck me so I hope you get this post from me. I was doing the same thing your sister did, I alienated my sister because I thought giving her “tough love” would stop her addiction, it didn’t, the isolation from family made it worse and she is now dead. I regret not taking her phone calls and I regret more than anything not telling her I love her more. I was so angry at her addiction I couldn’t see her. She wouldn’t go to treatment and unfortunately she was so failing health wise that even if she did, I don’t think it would have made a difference. She would have been sober through her death which would have been much more cruel. My point in all this is, please keep reaching out to your family. They need to hear from you before it’s too late, even if you cannot get well, they will tear themselves apart after your gone if they don’t have those memories with you. The only reason I have not jumped in front of a bus from my behavior toward my sister and the guilt I feel is that, the last few weeks before she died, I was having her over for dinner with my mom once a week, I am so grateful that I did that and it’s the only thing sometimes that makes me release a smidge of guilt.
    Her death (and the miscarriage of my second child on Christmas of the same year) has flung me straight into an alcohol addiction that I never dreamed I would have, I don’t like alcohol and alcohol is what killed my sister so I damn well know better but for some reason I guess I do it to punish myself out of guilt?
    I am sure most anyone reading this, Joyfull included would not wish addiction on your loved ones so maybe that’s what needs to be said, try to get better so you don’t leave behind a s*** storm for your sister (or insert your person here) that’s so messed up that all they can think to do is drink away the pain. It’s been almost a year since my sisters death and I have successfully managed to become an evening alcoholic, something I find abhorrent, like I said before, I have never liked alcohol & I know it must stop but I have not yet found the strength to stop, maybe talking to all of you will help me and a year from now and I can post like a lot of you do that I too am sober. I hope my post finds the people who need to read it and God bless all of us on our journeys through this nightmare named addiction.
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2019
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I will comment further just wanted to start by saying I am sorry for your loss.
    deanokat and LookingForTheLight like this.
  7. Thank you, been a s*** year. :(
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @LookingForTheLight... I'm sorry you've had a sh*t year. Life can certainly be cruel sometimes. But believe me when I say that alcohol--or any mind-altering substance, for that matter--is not the answer. Yes, it will numb you temporarily. But it's not going to make any real difference in the long run. In fact, it will likely make things worse going forward. Maybe start out by just cutting back on the alcohol a bit. Drink a little less than usual and see how that goes. Or maybe consider going to an AA or SMART Recovery meeting. Being around others with similar issues can really be helpful and comforting. Trust me: You are not alone, my friend.

    I'm glad you were able to connect a bit with your sister before her death. You are right to be grateful for those dinners you had with her and your mom. But please try not to feel guilty about your previous behaviors toward your sister. Addiction is a family disease, and it affects everyone who loves and cares about the person who is struggling. Your sister's addiction obviously had a profound effect on you. You can't help that. And whatever you did or didn't do when you were dealing with her issue is now in the past. So don't let it eat you up.

    I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sister and your baby. I'm sure the pain from those events was--and probably still is--immense. One other thing you may want to consider is counseling. I think a good therapist could really help you come to terms with a lot of your feelings and get you on the path to feeling better.

    We're here to help, support, and listen, so you can come here anytime you feel the need. Even if you just need to vent, we are here.

    I'm sending you lots of positive energy, sober vibes, hope, and encouragement. Thanks for reaching out and sharing with us. I'm glad you found us.
  9. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I can't really say it any better than my friend @deanokat has already but I would like to just add as I sympathize with you on hating or disliking a substance and still using it to cause yourself what feels like relief but actually it is self torture and punishment of one's self.For you it's alcohol...for me it was meth.I absolutely hate meth yet there have been plenty of time's I used it to torture myself as I felt I deserved the agony it ultimately delivered, my friend fight that notion because alcohol has taken enough from you as meth has from me.Dont let a substance you hate be what takes you from you or you from other's, dig deep,search long and hard and fight that substance with everything you have inside.There is a brighter light on the other side you just have to keep pushing forward and the darkness will fade.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
  10. Thanks everyone I am trying. :oops: I want to be free of this but can’t seem to dig my way out. I guess I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment because I am willingly doing this crap to my self. I know my family needs me, I can’t imagine how scared my husband is for me. If this was him doing this to himself I would drop his butt off at rehab in a hot minute but I can’t go, I have a business that can’t run without me and a daughter that depends on me so I have to figure out how to get better from home. I know I would be rolling my eyes at me right now too but I really cannot go, there is no one to replace the boss(me) my sister before she started drinking was my partner and since I had to fire her I have been doing both our jobs. I have thought about counseling but I am so overwhelmed, I just can’t fit it in right now, I am thinking about doing the online therapist, I can fit that in; it’s hard to explain how my life is to anyone outside looking in but trust me if there was any way to go, I would. I haven’t even been able to take a vacation for 7 years. I will just keep praying that God will enable me to leave this by taking away the craving, somehow. Thanks for the well wishes and support, it helps to read your stories.
    deanokat, Dominica and Joshstillclean like this.
  11. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    I've got a lot to say. First of all welcome. You've found the best people you can find to help you through your struggles. And believe me I've searched the world over,and the folks here are the most sincere you'll ever meet. (I can say that with honesty too considering the internet, I've searched the world over).
    I noticed your name pop up in some likes I had posted and didn't think much of it, but then I saw you kept popping up. So I thought mabey something I was saying was really hitting hone with you or something. And before I post I usually do a lot of reading and I admit I've been stalking you for a couple of days to see what was going on. Loosing a child is rough. Unless you've been there you just can't relate. Alcohol helped me drown my misery years ago when that pain resonated fresh within me. I often think that if I hadn't turned to alcohol then I would have seen my wife's schizophrenia coming on sooner and been able to help her in time. (I know this isn't the case as its not just schizophrenia its something very rare and she is lost even to herself forever). But I like to hurt myself. I'm not an upper guy but that's one reason I did so much cocaine because the crash sucked so bad. As stupid as that sounds I can remember punching myself in my face as my last shot wore off and giving myself black eyes to compound the hurt. I believe this was a severe cry for help now as I look back. But if my ex wife were not in that place she's in and was in her right mind she would cry at the site of me like that.
    She would also tell me to move on. She would have told me its ok to love your sons mom and then I would not have ruined that relationship with drugs and alcohol probably. Again not all my fault but much of it is. It is my fault my sons mom learned to use in some of the ways she did. In fact I remember laying in bed and her asking me to do it for her because I was better at it. I'm crying as I type this I was a piece of sh-t!
    And afterward while she was passed out and I would smoke a joint next to her I wasn't even with the breath it took to inhale. This is how I felt constantly. And alcohol, being a depressant, and my godlike tolerance didn't help. Gotta compose myself, more coming.
  12. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Anyway, I can, and just about all of is can relate to what your going through. Some of the specifics might be different, but the pain, and the solution, are the same. That's the important thing.
    What kind of business do you do?
    And be honest here cause we all wanna help, how bad is the drinking at this point? Shakes in the morning? Or just severe cravings after work? Drink on lunch, durring work? Youbmentioned you just wanted the cravings to stop. That might be doable. But how much and how often are you drinking? What do you drink? Drugs? I ask all of,these things because putting together an at home detox plan is very realistic if things are not too advanced. I'm not offering medical advice but I can guide you in the bright direction toward alcohol recovery.
    Also knowing that its (your alcoholisms) origins are psychological is a very important thing to understand. A lot of people don't get this part though, after a certain point its physical. And its deadly if handled incorrectly. And if nothing else kills you first alcoholism has a 100%fatality rate.
    So stop beating yourself up and lets get a handle on this demon.
  13. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @LookingForTheLight hi there. i too am sorry about your loss. truly sorry.

    the others have given great advice and insight. i think if you can't fit counseling in right now, then look into online counseling. there are some really great options online these days!! but yes, i do think talking to a professional can help... start getting to some core issues, and talking about the grief. as you know, grieving is a process... i do know that when we drink to cope, we prolong getting through it (healing it)... and that fact has kept me from drinking to cope many times in life... (b/c i truly want to be happy not based on circumstances)

    i agree to think about the detox... withdrawing from alcohol can be deadly for serious drinkers... so undergoing some monitoring from professional can help... and/or a tapering off... read up on it and certainly think about seeing a professional regarding detox or detox center.

    i just want you to know that there is treatment, and you can begin taking steps toward beating alcohol addiction. it's going to take time and it won't be simple... but it can be done, one day, one moment at a time.

    find time each day to feed your mind and spirit good things. the mind... that's the nesting place for those lousy thoughts. time to uproot them and start putting positive thoughts in there! :) scientists say 95% of our daily actions are based on our subconscious thoughts... so, begin thinking about digging to find out what they are, and learning how to re-program the negative ones...

    and know we are here!
    deanokat and LookingForTheLight like this.
  14. Thanks Josh
    Demon is correct. So this all started in May 2018 after my sister died, the drinking did, I only drink after 6pm and until I go to bed, (because somehow in my stupid mind that doesn’t make me an alcoholic, insert eye roll) red or white wine, I have worked my way up to a bottle daily but I have drank almost two bottles when I get severely emotional. I don’t shake, i don’t have withdrawals but I am well aware of what they are like, I have been a chronic pain patient for, wow I just realized how long, 11 years after a botched routine surgery caused my body to ache uncontrollably. I was on painkillers for years 5-7 plus but have been put on Suboxone to take care most of the daily pain. When I am “allowed” to have oxycodone; I usually Abuse it, I don’t take it with my subs of course and i swallow my pills, not into any other methods of use. The subs work fine but I hate not feeling energetic which the pills used to do for me hence how i started using too much of them but I hate all of this! I wish my body didn’t ache so bad and I have been off of them as long as 18 months and the pain was still there, i had to go back on the subs to control it. I hate anything controlling me that’s why I don’t understand what the F I am doing to myself? I am educated, I have my undergrad in Psych. I am a high achiever which I know predisposes me to addiction because we try to be better, do more etc. I know better than this, every doctor i speak to tells me i work too much and I chase after my two year old, what do I expect, I have arrived at middle age (39); other people seem to be able to do this life just fine without doing what I am doing, trying to cope with the load. Sorry for the rant, I am just so frustrated with myself! Please let me know if you need more info to help thank you for all of your stories, I am there crying with you.
  15. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Wine, max around 14 percent, a bottle a day sometimes more, not usually. Only other drug is suboxone(which is one hell of a drug).
    This lets me know that you are not at the point to where you have to have it to just make it to work. And that's great. Don't let it get worse! At my worst I had to have a shot ready (already poured) and when I woke up and stopped throwing up (usually very bloody) I would choke it down. This isn't to "one up" you on your level of addiction. In ashamed of this I just want you to be aware it can get that bad. Before i was like this I was a bottle or two of wine a day. And I really did prefer wine over beer. Sangria actually. But that got too expensive and it turned into just keeping the detox away. I know that what you said about being predisposed to addictive behavior as a high achiever is true. My sister and I are both very much the high achiever type. And we both have problems. Me much more so than her but hers will take her over overnight it seems like. I still haven't figured that one out. When she does backside you can bet shell be in the hospital within 36 hours. Fortunately that hasn't happened in a long time.
    As for the suboxone it enhances the effects of alcohol much more so than most all other opiods. So if you were to stop them both together you probably would not be functional. Just being honest. When I stopped suboxone(subutex), that alone took about a year. When I stopped drinking I was on a three week librium taper inpatient. When I was put on suboxone to stop the pills and everything else that had opium in it, I was also inpatient. I also could only handle one at a time. And this was years in the making. Both me getting messed up that bad and me getting sober. Both took years. I didn't know you were on subs also. That adds a whole 'nother level of scary to the mix because alcohol and Buprenorphine are bad, bad bad together. They feed off of each other. And,the alcohol enhances the pain killing aspect of the sub, so you might find you have cravings when you stop drinking.
    Knowing what I know now i would drink as little as possible. Find professional help because your gonna need it. Not trying to scare you but my last round through a detox stopped my heart. And I was down to subs and valium. As prescribed. Subs and alcohol about the same difference. Please take it seriously.
    And since you are logical, join me in telling myself this makes zero sense, so im doing it different today.
  16. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @LookingForTheLight i agree to start decreasing your intake... and begin your search for some counseling. of course, meetings are there for support too if that's something you'd like to do... reading good books on various topics too. i know you're educated, but sometimes a good book can help us make a good shift..ya know?

    as far as your age and your circumstances, i think most people in nearing mid life are going through a whole lot inside they are not talking about.... from pathological loneliness to addiction to fear to existential angst to misery to dreading the mundane, every day life.... some cope by drinking, some by binge watching tv, or scrolling social media, shopping, or some other addiction.... you're def not alone....

    and, well, maybe the pain and suffering surrounding it all can be a springboard to a spiritual awakening. part of journey from dark to light here on planet earth. :)
    LookingForTheLight and deanokat like this.
  17. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    This is kind of a footnote, and you can take it or leave it.
    When I was getting off the valium Rebekah gave me a book about the re-mapping of the healing brain. (That's my sister btw)
    And she said Josh, don't just memorize it. Take it to heart and use it.
    I'm seeing more and more what she means she tells me that alot. I'm always saying I get it rebekah, but I didn't really until recently. I'm book smart. Very. And that has served as a disadvantage when it comes to connecting and understanding. Just because I can repeat what was said or remember a statistic doesn't mean,that I "got it, it applies to me". So in getting sober I've really had to get humble also.
    Im not saying your not at all, don't go there. I'm saying I wasn't humble. I wanted to fix everyone and everything and usually I was right. Which made my arrogance worse. Really I needed to realize I didn't realize the basics and focus on fixing myself. Anyway, there's my two cents...
  18. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @LookingForTheLight... Seeing an addiction specialist might really help you. They are doctors who are thoroughly educated in all aspects of addiction, so they know way more about it than "regular" doctors do. That wouldn't take a big time commitment, either. It would just be like a doctor's appointment. I think it would be worth your while just to have them assess your situation and give you some ideas about how you can help yourself.

    There are also a ton of online meetings available if that's easier than attending meetings in person. You can find those at the In the Rooms website. Here's the link:

    We're all here and pulling for you. Feel free to pick our brains or lean on us whenever you'd like. We truly care.
    Dominica and Joshstillclean like this.
  19. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Joshstillclean i understand when you talk about head knowledge... but getting that knowledge to drop down into the heart and applying it... that's truly something. i find meditation helps me connect my brain and heart, if that makes sense. :) i'm so glad you're learning so many valuable lessons.

    that book sounds great! (re-mapping the healing brain) i like to read up on neuroplasticity, epigenetics, etc. (the new sciences) very interesting!
    LookingForTheLight and deanokat like this.
  20. I understand that Dominica I noticed you had clinical training as well, guilt fueling this? I have NEVER in my life been this person, I just don’t understand her. I am seeking help that’s why I came to you guys privately to discuss the truth, doctors are pigeon holed so badly now that you cannot tell your truth and still get help, you get labeled and it follows you everywhere. For instance, I broke my finger two weeks ago, went to the ER to have it set, all the doctors wanted to talk about was My Suboxone use, I Never asked for pain meds, just wanted them to set the damn finger, I ended up faking an emergency with my child and just left. I have left two dentists now because as soon as they see my name on an Opers report they harp on it every visit, again I have never asked any dentists for pain meds but they assume and I don’t deserve to be treated as a seeker, I have never even asked, so back to the finger, it’s broken and the pain doc tells me I am going to need serious surgery to fix it now, I’ll just leave it crooked, never liked that finger anyway, always seemed like the weak one of the bunch. Thank you for your reply, I will update as I go. Thanks