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Self destruction

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by theCitadel, Oct 12, 2018.

  1. theCitadel

    theCitadel Member

    Hi dudes, i am 22 and i am totally frustrated. I had since i waws a child gr8 potentials, my Iq was 137 done under lsd effect and had gr8 opportunities that i throw away. Like i am beautiful and very smart, used to have the opportunity to enter the national of athetics and throw that away. Used to have capability to enter national of chess and trhow that away. Stared piano and getting very fast resuls and quitted. Had done one of the gr8test schooles in italy without appling in class or at home, in total i was paying attiention in class less than 3/h out of 5 and finished it wothout a problem. Started foreing langueg and literature university which i didnt like and didnt pay attention and got addicted to videogames, and i was getting 27,27,5/30 as resultes and quitted, meanwhile forein instructers were interested in me and proposed a studium in canada. I started working as a w8ter and getting very high wage for that work, they proposed me the opportunity to comand an over 7 million local firma with also a villa in it and didnt accept. A girl at 19 fall in love with me and she was totally perfect for me and i did everything i could to destroy the relationship, i betreyed her over 400 times in 1 year and half(some days with more than 1 girl) while working in a turistic city, and when she discovered and left me i got heavy depression and started a special 2 years longwhile diet of crackcocain, mdma, alchool, lsd, ketch, heroin, mix bombs, speed, ritalin, subotex,mushroom and so on (over 24 types of drugs) at the end i was totally destoyed and couldnt go on.Now i ammmmmmmmm42 days out of addiction (i got only tobacco) and have psycosi and delirium. I think i destroyed my life and everything i had, and i think i am not that smart any longer, i dont know nothing, total lack of self esteem and a strong will of suicide that incourse to me continiusly and i do feel pity for everything i lost and shame for everyone i didnt help. I have friends in all over the world who are supporting me and preventing me for killing myself but i am exausted. LIke why on earth did i behave like that?
  2. theCitadel

    theCitadel Member

    she discovered beacuse i told her
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello and welcome. I'm super glad you're here reaching out. It's tough to say why you have chosen the path that you have. Many of us just don't have the answers as to why we do the things we do. But the good news is that you can continue on this Recovery Road and make better choices from here on out. Are you able to reach out to an addiction specialist or therapist? I think this will do a lot of good. There's also some great support groups you could check out.

    I'm not sure if you're in the US or not but there is the hotline for the suicide prevention center. If you give them a call they may be able to point you in a good direction as far as resources.


    It's going to take some time for your body and your mind to heal. Continue feeding your mind and body healthy things. Keep yourself motivated and inspired in a way that works for you. 42 days out of addiction is a great start. If you feel you're in physical Danger, please go to the emergency room or see a physician. Better to be safe than sorry. It's no wonder you're dealing with heavy emotions, as the drugs you used certainly have an effect on the mind and body. But the mind and body are both resilient as well, but it takes time for them to feel.

    Know that we're here to inspire, encourage and support you however we can.
    True concern and theCitadel like this.
  4. theCitadel

    theCitadel Member

    i appriciate your kindness and disponibility to other people a lot. Thx for the number this is famous worldwide, and i think its one of the most efficient in the whole world. Unfortunatly i am italian and live in italy
    True concern likes this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @theCitadel Your story is touching and I can relate to the depression, I can relate to throwing everything away,I can also relate to feeling as if you can't come back from where you currently are,however you can...i know because I am living proof change is possible.I am going to share my first post from nearly 8 month's ago when I first came to this site,when I felt I was on my way out but like you I reach out here and continued to reach out everyday as I work on piecing my life back together and not only do I now use this site to help myself I also try to help other's where and when I can,MY road to recovery involved finding the real me,the me who cares for his fellow man and woman,everyone I encourage or educate in some small way helps to heal my soul,spirit,heart,and mind.The road to recovery is a long one but it's the most rewarding road you will ever travel.....Stay Strong my friend and God Bless

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you
    deanokat likes this.