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Self destructive friend

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Rosyrain, Jan 15, 2016.

  1. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    I have a friend who is frustrating me to no end and I am seeking advice on what I can do to help her. She smokes pot all day everyday, has no job, and a very controlling husband. She is currently submitting resumes to get a job, but she is going to have a hard time getting a job if she has to do a urine test. Her husband is a complete ass and is very insecure. He does not let her do anything and tries to quash all progress she makes being independent. She keeps saying that she is going to leave him, but she also does not make any effort to do it. He has also hit her in the past. I am afraid for her and do not know what to do.
  2. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    IS this the same friend you were writing about Rosyrain? Have you talked to her about her behavior? What does she say? Does she realize she has a problem? Not all jobs require urine tests...but how is she going to perform if she is stoned all the time? She does sound like she is making efforts...but you might need to point out to her that her drug abuse is sabotaging her good efforts.
  3. ellyjude

    ellyjude Active Contributor

    I really hate to say this but the best option for her situation is to run away from her husband. You have the responsibility to help her with that. Once she has settled, she can then come back to her husband and sort out issues concerning both of them without you in the topic. Your friend is lucky to have a caring friend like you.
  4. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    This is the same friend I talked about in a different post. One of the problems is that she gets so stoned that she loses all motivation and does not try hard to look for work. I have been coaching her along, but I am afraid it is to the point where she thinks I am nagging her. This is not the case at all, I just see how healthy her life is from the outside and she sees it as normal because she lives it.
  5. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    elly, when she doesnt even have a job where is she to go exactly? She has to be able to support herself..and some people talk a good game and don't follow through, but maybe a battered women's shelter is the right move for her. From what Rosy is saying she may not be ready to do anything radical.
  6. denise13337

    denise13337 Active Contributor

    This is probably something that will be very hard to hear but I know it as a former addict and from having people like your friend around me. You cannot help anyone who does not want to help themselves. The first step to change is to recognize the problem. It doesn't necessarily have to be a problem within yourself, it could be a problem with your surroundings. In your friend's case her husband is the problem in her surroundings but she doesn't see it. Maybe she does but she doesn't want to do anything about it. I would urge you to wait (I know it's difficult) but if your friend has potential to turn her life around (and I'm sure she does that's why she sends resumes out) it's only a matter of time before she wakes up and says she's had enough and really wants to change her life. When that happens you have to be there for her. She will need you to rely on. The only way she can even have a chance at changing her life, is if she at least takes the first step for herself.
  7. ellyjude

    ellyjude Active Contributor

    Can't you host her for the time being till she settles? I mean, you are friends right? Or are there other circumstances that can't allow you host her?
  8. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Well, I think the best thing for you to do as a friend is to encourage her to be more independent now. If she's just going to stay with her husband, nothing better will ever happen to her life. There's still a chance for her to progress. Push her a little.
  9. 111kg

    111kg Community Champion

    Honestly, she is not a friend of yours, but rather you are a friend for her. Honestly, for the long term success, it would be a better idea to drop off these kind of friendships. I don't want to be rude, but if you want to help a person and she doesn't do anything to help herself, how can you possibly succeed? It may work for a couple of times, but it definitely won't work for a longer period of time.
  10. pwarbi

    pwarbi Community Champion

    The first thing is that your friend needs to want to get help and break the cycle that she's in at the moment. Untill she wants to change and actually makes positive steps to improve her own situation, there's not a great deal you can do apart from be there for her as and when she needs you.
  11. anorexorcist

    anorexorcist Community Champion

    Well, you're in a difficult position there... If I were you I would talk to her and let her know all my points of view about her situation but remember that at the end of the day if she doesn't want to change or leave the guy, she won't, and at that point there's nothing that you can do, it up to her.
    kgord likes this.
  12. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    Anorexocist is absoultely right about this. She has to make a decision to change her situation, and until she is ready to and not just going through the motions, nothing is really going to help. All the advice and counsel in the world will not help someone who is not ready to hear it or do something about it.
    anorexorcist likes this.
  13. ellyjude

    ellyjude Active Contributor

    That is very true. Advising someone who is unwilling to change is like breaking a rock with an Axe. She should first accept to change then work towards it.
    kgord likes this.
  14. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    She only sees it as nagging if she isn't ready to make a change in her life. She needs to want to do it for herself. As bad as it is and as hard as it is to watch her living such a life there is not much more you can do. You are being a friend to her, you are encouraging her, you are being supportive, the rest is up to her.
  15. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    The best thing you can do is give advice and encouragement. If someone decides they don't want to change they wont. If she does decide to make a change with her life, you should help her with it. In my opinion this is the best thing you can do. When she decides to come to her senses support her, that's what a good friend would do.
  16. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    The best thing that you could do is to say your piece and tell her your concerns and suggestions for her to improve her life. Then see what she has to say. If she chooses to still be with her husband and not be proactive in looking for a job then that's up to her already. You did what you could do.
  17. Coolkidhere

    Coolkidhere Community Champion

    I think the first step for her would be to seek professional help to stop her drug addiction. Maybe after then, she will have a clear mind and be able to realise how her current husband is not worth it. The thing is, you are only there to help her. You can tell her to stop the addiction and leave her husband. But still, it is up to her to have that courage and motivation to do so. Because in the end, it is still her decision and choice and we can't do anything about it.
  18. toppot44

    toppot44 Member

    The problem is she doesn't want to help herself enough to allow your friendly advice to soak in. It's like she knows what's best, but is stuck between breaking the cycle & being complacent & stagnant to her familiar livelihood. Usually people like this need some type of intervention in order for change to happen. It has to be abrupt and almost forced. Everyone's threshold of pain is different & determines how much a person can handle before they individually see & feel need for change. Losing you as a friend could be what it takes to make her realize she has to change her situation.
  19. Juanpeace

    Juanpeace Active Contributor

    I hate to say this, but reading you post and it seems you are the one stressed out I know she is a friend but if she does not want to help herself what ca you do? friendship is like a spouse or couple relationship If she can't work it out for the sake of friendship then I'd rather walk away. You must also think about giving yourself a break from a stressful friendship.
  20. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    You can keep convincing her to do efforts and help herself to be able to see good changes in her life. Nothing will be changed if she is not doing any efforts and no one can really help her if she will not help herself first.