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Should be the end of the road ..... But is it ?!

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Amy160683, Apr 20, 2016.

  1. Amy160683

    Amy160683 Member

    I'm really struggling with life at the moment , and feel quite alone . That's why I have come to this site ( I used one before the help cope with the loss of by still born baby.)

    It's a long story, and very similar to many others on here .

    I have been with my husband since we were 15 , we are now 32 . We have three lovely healthy children together , aged 13, 11 and 8 .

    He has always used canabis since I have know him ( 13 years old ), but as life has gone on and our business together has gotten more successful ( but stressful ) he has progressed to harder drugs . He has always had a problem with alcohol , as in when he starts drinking , he simply cannot stop . His addictions now - cocaine and drink .

    Everything you shouldn't do as a husband he has done , unfaithful , gambling , lap dancing bars , disappearing for days on end .

    When he's good he's amazing , we go on brilliant holidays as a family of 5 , motor homing, cruising , swish hotels etc . But hell, when he slips he makes all 4 of us feel like giving in !

    His behaviour has got so bad now , and the children are older , I can no longer hide his behaviour . They then of course go to school upset and it gets flagged up to social services . We have been under the watchful eye of them for over a year . How can I let this man , my husband , their dad keep doing This to us ? How am I so stupid each time to believe his loss of how he's going to be clean, how me and the kids mean he world to him - OVER AND OVER AGAIN !

    I'm always sleeping around in his eyes ( never ever have I done this ) The weekend just gone , I had trusted him to look after the children while I went away with my friends for the weekend . Previously he hasn't been allowed to care for them . The two weeks approaching my weekend away , he ticked all the right boxes - negative tests at DART, staying on his medication the docs has provided , no booze . All was looking good . How wrong was I . He left the children at 3 am to go out in an uninsured car , after drinking booze and snorting God knows how much coke ! His dad had to go round and stay with the kids . Yesterday he was drunk and I caught him with his dad's bank cards which he had stolen and £500 tickets from the atm. He's taken his kids sponsor money . From looking at the bank - he owed his lovely drug dealer £1000. While being responsible for his children .

    I have a meeting with the social workers , schools etc tomorrow . AND I'm probably going to be in bother for letting him "look" after them . How the hell is this all fair !!!

    He soooooo wrapped up in himself and his next line of coke - seems me and the kids are worthless .

    I need to walk but don't seem to be able too .

    I just want my husband back and the Dad of my gorgeous children
  2. Momma9

    Momma9 Community Champion

    It is time to think of what is best for your children. They cannot choose the life they live! A separation would get the children away from the problems and give everyone a chance to heal. If your husband doesn't choose recovery, you are out and making a better life for your children. It is hard!! But please, consider your children!!
  3. Mara

    Mara Community Champion

    Hello @Amy160683.

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult situation. I know that you love your husband and that you want to keep your family intact. But until your husband cleans up his act, I think that you and your children should keep your distance. Addiction is a serious matter and has destroyed a lot of lives. Don't let it destroy your family. Talk to your husband and convince him to go to rehab. If he doesn't change, then I'm sorry to say this but you have to make that difficult choice.

    I hope everything works out. I wish you well. Good luck.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Amy160683... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing so honestly with us. I'm sorry you're going through these struggles with your husband. Loving someone with addiction is incredibly challenging, for sure. And addiction is most definitely a family disease, so even though your husband has it, it's going to impact you and your kids greatly.

    The best advice I can give you is this: You and your children are the most important people in your life. That's why you have to concentrate on doing what is best for you guys. It might be a good idea to sit down with your husband and set some boundaries for him. Tell him that you're concerned for his health and overall well-being. Tell him how his addiction is affecting you and the kids. And let him know that you want him to change...for good. If he's willing to take serious steps to do that, then you can be supportive. But if he's not, then you should think about making another plan.

    There's a terrific book out there that was written specifically for partners and loved ones of people with addiction. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change and I think you would benefit greatly from reading it. In fact, I'd recommend you read it before you talk to your husband or make any decisions. It teaches us the best way to communicate with an addict, how to handle things with love and kindness instead of anger, and--most importantly, I think--how to take care of ourselves in the midst of the chaos.

    I talk a little bit more about the book in this blog I wrote not too long ago:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    I want you to know that we're here to help and support you any way that we can, so feel free to reach out anytime. You are definitely not alone. In the meantime, I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    Peace and hugs.

  5. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    I am very sorry you are going through this Amy, but it is time to take a stand. Make sure that you can get the help you need to deal with addiction. It is not fair to anyone to live this way, not you, your husband or children. I think you should take Deanokat's suggestions, and read these books and take the steps you need to take, to help everyone in this toxic and difficult situation...Hugs!
    deanokat likes this.
  6. darkrebelchild

    darkrebelchild Community Champion

    Hi @Amy160683 I am really heart broken with all you are going through because no one deserves to be treated this way. But I would tell you what I would do if I was in this situation (remember it can happen to anybody). I would sit your man down and give him my final conditions if he does not change, I will get him to sign what he has promised and if he fails, he has to move out.

    It is unhealthy for children to be around someone who is an addict to substances and alcohol. There are tendencies of depression becoming a part of the children's lives. Talk to your children constantly on how their Dad needs help and encourage them against following that path in the future.

    Stay well, sending you hugs from across the coast.
    deanokat likes this.
  7. Fyrion

    Fyrion Active Contributor

    Hello, welcome to the forum and please accept my sympathies for the loss of your still born child. Your husband is like that because He is not in a compromising position to really care about the consequences of his actions. He practically has been abusing alcohol and drugs almost all his life to the point of becoming part of him. And yes, when He tells you about caring for the relationship and children, He is somewhat lying. Is not that He really does not care, but He wants to maintain his lifestyle and is looking forward to be tolerated as He is. the proof is there when He showed is lovely side.

    Are you able to confront him? I mean, to get really serious about this issue. To firmly support a stance of no tolerance and tell him you are REALLY tired of his ludicrous behaviour. Ask him if he is willing to seek help and change for the sake of you and his children, if he truly loves them as He claims.
  8. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I totally agree with Dean, you need to put yourself and the kids first. And if you care to hear my personal opinion... a couples good times are not worth all that pain he must be putting you through...

    You should be considering an ultimatum and what you'd do if he doesn't keep his word, because f you give him an ultimatum you must be ready to walk away... right now the guy won't quit because things are the way they always are... no consequences no anything. He needs to lose it all so he can start seeing how drugs have affected his life and maybe then he will have a motivation to change.
    deanokat likes this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Amy160683... I will add that when you talk to your husband you should do it with kindness and compassion. If you get angry and confrontational, it will just alienate him. Trust me: Anger just breeds more anger. Been there, done that. With my son. It's not pretty.