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Should family cut off someone if they won't go to rehab?

Discussion in 'Questions About Treatment' started by Bamber8810, Feb 4, 2015.

  1. princepts

    princepts Member

    My family did something akin to total ostracization when I was using. The only thing I take today is Subutex. There's never been a homecoming, reconciliation or anything of the sort. My mother and father gave a free pass to my uncle when they found out he molested my brother. Yet, they want to sanction me for my drug use. Today, I would love to see nothing more than my father fall over dead of a heart attack. I have two brothers and one sister. I could care less if they burnt up in their homes. Be careful when you push someone out; as a remedy or final solution. You may find that even in their sober state, you can never get them back.
  2. juno

    juno Community Champion

    It really depends on the situation. During an intervention, the idea of being cut off is what is presented unless the person is willing to got to rehab. It is a process that lets the user know how harmful the behavior is for everyone. You really do have to cut the person off if their using of drugs is disrupting everyone else. However, the process of an intervention is done very carefully, so the user knows that it is being done because everyone cares for them and they feel that being a part of their life is supporting the drug use. When an intervention actually works and is done right, the person is usually immediately taken t rehab that very day and there is no real cutting off that happens. If the person refuses even after the intervention, that is when they are cut off and there may be some after effects of that in the future. However, it is a usually a last resort in the hopes that the person will realize that they need help when they loose the closest family and friends.
  3. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    It really is unfortunate. When there's an addict in the family, it really is hard to turn things around in a way that everyone wins at that point, because chances are if the family allowed it to reach that state then they are probably not equipped enough to solve it well which is why we see a lot of people just throwing out their family members out of frustration and incompetence.
  4. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    You are right. Making a threat or even acting on it is a crime against the family. It would drive them possibly into a dark pit. It would be completely wrong to do. Its like a bank robber who says give me all your money or I'll shoot you. It is a threat. If you don't go to rehab we'll throw you out on the street. This is what a criminal does, makes threats. It is not love.
    You are right it should be unconditional. Telling them what to do or demanding causes a helpless spiral for that person. It is complicated and one that should be considered their decision. Enabling is one thing, disabling is another. You might want to just ask them what they want for themselves. It can be surprising when you ask someone what they want for themselves and just get them to understand that you are there for them. Rejection will give them more reason to stay a mess.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    This is a difficult decision for parents, and everyone's situation is different. My wife and I did everything we could for our son while he struggled with addiction for seven years. We sent him to multiple rehabs, took him to therapists, etc. But he always went back to using. It got to the point where he was just too comfortable living with us, and by letting him stay we were in essence enabling him: We were making things easier for him, and by doing so were making it easier for him to continue using.

    We finally realized: If nothing changes, nothing changes. So we made the gut-wrenching decision to tell our son that he had to either go to treatment or leave our home. He initially chose to leave our home. He was gone for two days before coming back and agreeing to go back to treatment. It was then that things started to change for the better for everyone...including our son. He saw that we were serious about him having to start making decisions on his own, and he finally found the road to recovery.

    I think the ultimatum we gave our son was the best thing we could've possibly done for him. That said, before making that decision our son's therapist told us that we had to be prepared for the worst if we did give him an ultimatum. My wife and I were at peace with our decision. But, like I said--everyone's situation is different. I'm just sharing my personal experience.
  6. Nergaahl

    Nergaahl Community Champion

    No, you should definitely avoid cutting off someone who really needs help just because they don't realize it. I'm not into forcing people do things they don't want to, but in this case it is necessary. They may hate the ones doing it at that moment, but over time they will see what addiction did to them and their families, and feel thankful to the ones pursuing them to go into recovery. Support from family members is really important through those dark times.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Nergaahl... The unfortunate reality is that it's almost impossible to force someone to do something they don't want to do, especially when it's going to treatment. If they're a minor, that's one thing. But forcing an adult to go to treatment is like trying to squeeze water from a stone. In addition, even if you were able to force someone to go, the chances of them getting anything out of the treatment are slim and none. Support from family members is important, for sure. But if the person doesn't want to go to treatment, there's not a whole lot you can do. You can't want it more than they do. Just my opinion.
  8. Nergaahl

    Nergaahl Community Champion

    @deanokat If they cared about their families anymore, just a little bit, they would have done it just for their sake. The fear of being rejected by them or "cut off" should make them do it. They should be explained that no matter how loving or supporting their family is, sooner or later they will get tired of it and "kick them out". Making them believe this can ease the process. If you play with their mind a bit (of course, not in the harmful, profiteering way) you can achieve this.
  9. dechantajones

    dechantajones Active Contributor

    Sometimes family and friends have no choice but to cut off their loved one suffering from an addiction. When addicts use their families to support their addictions by, for example, stealing from them, it places a burden on the family financially and they can't continue to support the addict's habit. There have also been a few incidents in my area where an addict killed a loved one because they would no longer help them support their habit/addiction. No one wants to abandon a loved one in need but sometimes the choice is made for them by the actions of the addict.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. An emphatic No is the answer.
    Keep the family ties firm by keeping him close to the family. Keep entreating him to go for a Rehab until you get a positive response. A high level of your indulgence will work miracles here. Stay put in tolerating his adamance and keep your fingers crossed.
  11. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    There's definitely a point that an addict can cross where you have to stop supporting them and enabling them. And it's dragging you down and draining you emotionally to keep them around. There are boundaries. In some cases, they should be cut off if they refuse to go to treatment. It's sad, but they can't drag you down too.
  12. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    In an ideal world, your family should be right by your side at all times. However there are families which will cut off those they loved especially if they prove that they aren't willing to change.

    But thing is turning your back on addict can either force them to change so they won't lose those they love or it will compel them to use drugs more to cope with that rejection.

    Should family cut out someone who won't go to rehab? No they shouldn't.
  13. dkelly

    dkelly Active Contributor

    I am no expert and I struggle with an addict in my life so I know how difficult it is to cut someone out of your life. I can't tell you if and when that would be necessary because I believe it is different for all of us. My breaking point may be different than yours. I do know that when someone refuses to be helped there comes a point when supporting them is more harmful than good.
    deanokat likes this.
  14. GettingBetter

    GettingBetter Senior Contributor

    It really depends on the person and the situation. I think it's unfair to call it mean or cruel to do this though. Sometimes an addict is not at all interested in being helped and all you can do is to protect yourself. If you are taking care of a grown adult and all they do is create havoc for everyone else in the household there are not many other options you can do. The addict has to learn what relationships and help they are giving up by choosing the drug over their family.
    deanokat likes this.
  15. Psyduck

    Psyduck Active Contributor

    Rather than forcing them into a dark pit, this might make them reconsider their decisions. The family isn't cutting some one off permanently. They're just cutting ties temporarily so that the person would be in a lot better state. Yes, it is a good option to consider.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Totally agree.
    kgord likes this.
  17. hwarren

    hwarren Member

    I also agree that nothing gets accomplished by cutting someone out your life/family because they don't want to attend rehab. At the end of the day the only person who can overcome these addictions are the ones that have the willpower and strength within themselves to stop. I'm sorry this happens but it happens all the time and in the meantime all you can do is support them and continue to offer advice and help.
  18. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    Well, most addicts are stealing things from the family, lying to them...can't hold a job..are disrespectful and just generally miserable to be around. Plus they may be shooting up in the home and exposing the parents to possible arrest. I think kicking someone out is all that can be done, if you have tried love support and rehab. Sometimes also if parents are around the child they will continue to enable..which is not good.
  19. lexinonomous

    lexinonomous Community Champion

    You would think this would drive someone into a darker pit, but you'd be surprised at how much it can lead someone to get help. When someone loses everything they love, they can make the changes they need to make. I know that when my fiance told me he could no longer support my habit, it was a bit reality check for me. I was losing my friends left and right and I finally had to do something about it.
    deanokat likes this.
  20. pstrong1969

    pstrong1969 Community Champion

    An Addict who uses is like a selfish child who only cares about one thing-His next fix. If there are no consequences there will be no changes. Tough Love is the best action to take. A person can only take so much before they have to decide they are only enabling the addict. As long as there is someone enabling the addict he will never reach his bottom. Offer the Addict a way out of his addiction such as rehab, a halfway house, 12 step meetings. etc....