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Should i start my sober time over?

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Joshstillclean, Oct 2, 2019.

  1. cheffy

    cheffy Community Champion

    No reason to start the clock over, just consider this a test and a proof that you can still abstain! That will build up your self esteem and confidence. Then, if your arch enemy ever confronts you to tell you you're weak, you'll be able to say 'See - I did THAT!' and watch your enemy cringe and melt away from your reality.
  2. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Well I passed the test!
    When I got close to that building a actually had to run to the bathroom at a store.(I got that stomach thing you get when your about to score)
    But I sat in the parking lot for a while and decided I was gonna face my fear. Or forever be afraid.
    I went back-they didn't give me my money BTW- stood there at the counter and said this.
    "Last time I bought K4 dilaudid here I paid with cash...I got $160, can you do that?" someone else came out and said yeah I've seen him a lot he's cool.
    She said "ok sure if he knows you".
    I said "I already k,ew you could. I was proving to myself I could turn around and keep my life. And I can."

    Then I walked out.
    I had to face that.
  3. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Damn your a soldier that's excatly how I feel I do not want to go through life scared I'll fall at the chance. I want to know I'll make the right decision. I've had a 8mg sub in my wallet for 10 months just so I can test myself. And I Still have it! Way to go brother proud of you man!
  4. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    It was a relief. I hate something making me afraid. I feel like im,not in control then.
    And I always have to be in control-im working on that.
    But in this scenario Im,glad I did that.
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  5. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    When I get in fight or flight I fight. Every time. I never back down.
    Its gotten my asss kicked a lot tho
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  6. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Yea thats awesome. I'm not a fighter I'll be the first to admit. I dont want to hurt my face lol
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  7. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    I'm not either anymore. I did used to box but I stopped it made my epilepsy worse and I was hurting people because I was using the sport to take put my anger...
    Boxing is not a good sport for anger release.
    But to be honest I got to where I enjoyed getting hurt. This was durring my worst two years. I call them my homeless years.
    And they truly were horrible. Stuff like I woke up next to a corpse(she was very much alive when I fell asleep) was assaulted...
    Too much to name off. I honestly got to where physical pain did hurt. It distracted me from the real pain.
    I remember after I got into my last fight on the street I was outnumbered 4 to 1. They weren't gonna hurt me but I sucker punched one guy.
    I asked for it!
    After I got my butt kicked I woke up and walked into a put my wiggly grabbed a bottle of wine off the shelf and walked straight outside and sat on the curb and drank almost all of it.
    The police picked me up and took me to the hospital where I was put on methadone.

    I've never shared that but I have wanted to because I needed to get it off my chest.
    I was really hurting back then.
    Oh well-seems like a different reality now.
    Sorry I ranted
    True concern and Onceaddicted77 like this.
  8. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Damn that's crazy brother
  9. Bullwinkle

    Bullwinkle Community Champion

    I’ve been around 12 step programs for 50+ years, and especially AA and NA tend to place a criterion on relapse, and there’s no criterion that exist in either programs recovery literature, yet some believe this is the protocol. This is ignorant competitiveness within the “narrow submissive, compliant, group think” that is status based on who has the most sobriety time. The suggestions in the literature are the recovery concepts, not meetings, or this forum.

    My recovery is my business based on my intent and I’m the only one that has to know my intent. In other words, I don’t have to answer to anyone for how I addressed my recovery, yet in recovery groups the conversation is e.g. any amount of alcohol purposely taken is relapse, the same applies to other drugs. Well, first of all many foods contain alcohol. I drink coffee, it’s full of antioxidant’s and I make my own creamer with pure vanilla extract which is at least 35% alcohol (70 proof). Some in recovery groups consider this a relapse, but that’s their problem not mine. As I said in another share on this forum, my recovery is completely unique, I don’t compare my recovery with anyone else, it has nothing to do with anyone else, thus I get to say what it is, because recovery is independence, I walk in no human being shadow.

    I began my recovery in AA, but Al-Anon is where I discovered that my co-dependency was why I couldn’t maintain abstinence. My codependency is a learned behavior from watching and imitating family members. I was someone who relied on a person, substance, or activity to meet nearly all of my emotional and self-esteem needs. Instead of having a healthy relationship with myself or having a personal identity, I made someone or something else more important. This is what happens with many in recovery groups that practice “narrow submissive, compliant, group think”.
    DoxyMom and cheffy like this.
  10. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    i agree about the AA and NA. i think somewhere on this thread i made a similiar point.
    given that i was geinuinly enjoying the OxyContin- was so high i even pulled into a gas station to get hammered on the way home.
    getting drunk tho is always my excuse for buying coke. and i was also VERY close to my old coke dealer.
    one way to read someone is by suttlties in there story, the way they self project. it says alot about whether or not they are confident enough in themselves to ask their trusted friends opinion on a matter.
    another way to tell if someone is relieable in their word is by the information they give out.
    for instance, i have told people on here before and ill tell you now- that i am a highly certified automotive technicain. i specialize in transaxles/drivetrain and electronic diagnostics.

    now i wasnt boastong at all- im trying to get out of that to be able to farm full time. its more peacefull.
    @Bullwinkle- congrats on being a world class top secret athlete. i hope your reflections 50+ years ago, and your memories of your many trips to paris bring you joy.
    cheffy likes this.
  11. cheffy

    cheffy Community Champion

    Super! And I knew you would. Sometimes it's good to do this sort of thing, just so you still know that if someone walks up to you and makes you an offer that they think you can't refuse, you can smile, turn around and walk away. That is so very, very cool!
    True concern and Onceaddicted77 like this.
  12. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    @Bullwinkle I've never been to a meeting it sounds like some good and bad can come from them. It seems some people even replace there addictions with these meetings themselves.

    You say you have been around them 50+ years? Have they negatively effected your life in anyway? Just curious. What about if your partner wants to go and watch a movie or go hang out and dont want to wait. Well I cant I gotta go to my meetings and fill out this paperwork then go do volunteer work at the detox center for 3 hours who has that kind of time.

    Some of them also seem to be almost cult like with the sponsor almost seemingly getting off on the fact someone is under his thumb. I dont do well with authority like people telling me what to do. Probably why I've always worked for myself.

    I do have substances like caffeine nicotine and Kratom I still use everyday. I can go without them I dont like too but I can abstain. I feel I know and love myself but I have motivation problems. I can wake up in the best moods but never wanting to take on the world.

    I'm sure that has alot todo with a dopamine deficiency and i dont have time to wait it out to let my receptors upregulate again.

    Some people are lucky enough to be rich and take all the time they need to heal and go to rehab I'm not, I must work or lose everything.

    I must decide what's most important in my life I guess I dont really feel that my substances are negatively affecting my health or life bad enough infact I feel they are a positive in my life. Is that weird.

    I guess I just dont really get the concept of the meetings anymore they seem moot. Maybe learning some life experiences and tools to cope with some situations but we can learn everything we need to know right here on the internet today from the comfort of your couch without fear of shame or reproach.
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2019
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  13. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    @Bullwinkle I was just curious on your thoughts on the matter as I am open and not judging whatever works for someone I'm thrilled for them.

    I may be just ignorant and would love to learn some insight. Thanks
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Hilarious
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I squared up against 4 Samoans once like a dumb ass,thank God they just laughed and walked away
  16. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    i would have bought tickets for that lmao
    Onceaddicted77 and True concern like this.
  17. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @Joshstillclean so let me get this straight. This is a pharmacy where if your cool and have cash you don't need a prescription? Geese Louise! WTF? I'm happy you faced your fear.
    Onceaddicted77 and True concern like this.
  18. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    @DoxyMom YES. you got it straight.
    and i dont know about having to be cool, i think as long as your not a cop or narc and have cash you can buy pills.
    there are a few in atlanta. more common than a lot of folks think.
    most have been busted but their are still some. they sell H and street drugs their too. it just depends on who you know. youve bought dope...you know how it is bad people and places lead to worse people and places.
    i would not call myself cool though. i am laid back, but i usually get called an asssholle more than anything because i call it like it is. and i used to have VERY bad anger problems. cool is something i dont think i am.
    and havent really cared about it since i was yound trying to impress people.
    Onceaddicted77 and True concern like this.
  19. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    That is crazy. Back when I bought my oxy I paid 50 cents a milligram and always off the street. I couldn't imagine how bad it could have been if I would have ran across a backdoor pharmacy here in the us.

    Now Mexico is a different story they will sell you anything there lol. I was in Tijuana and Rosarita there is pharmacy on every corner no script required lol
  20. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Same here even though I had scripts I would run out and pay 40 for an 80