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sick and tired

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by vvvolll, Oct 31, 2018.

  1. vvvolll

    vvvolll Member

    I am so fed up with myself, and my actions. I relapsed a few days ago, my cravings were so out of control. obsessive thoughts, just a loop in my brain. I caved. Ive used drugs since I was 13...Ive had some significant trauma in my life. I started using drugs to numb the pain, to act out, to distinguish myself? I wanted to be an adult. I’m now 27, and I can’t think of anything more horrible lol. My addiction has derailed me in life. I take 3 steps forward, and 2 back. i’ve done all the drugs- street to prescription... but, my favorite are whip its. Plot twist right??? I’m super ashamed of this nasty habit of mine. Like I could rationalize myself doing a bump in the bathroom of a party... but, sucking gas out of a whip cream canister by the 100s.. alone... in my room. NOT OKAY. My whip it addiction happened when I tried substituting the xanax i was used to taking at night. I didn’t have a script because When i did i literally took a xanax to do ANYTHING. After quitting those briefly I started dabbling again.. but, the street xanax scared me. I didn’t like the idea of pressed pills or something laced with fentynal. Anyway, it’s addiction is the bottom line. Whip it’s to me are like a form of self harm. I scared myself so badly because I huffed myself into auditory hallucinations. Ive reached out for help, but I need all the support I can get. I know I have to remove the toxicity from my life— but, it’s like me. I’m the one that is behaving poorly! So, how do I save me from myself?
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    "How do I save me from myself?"That my friend is the correct question to ask,we as addicts simply cannot trust ourselves, I mean we are called addicts for a reason and that reason is on our own we generally make bad decisions, now in no way am I judging I have been asking this same question for 20+ year's and 10 month's here on this site.The answer may sound like bullshit, I know because I thought it was every time I heard it but find an N/A meeting and actually participate,listen,share,and keep going back.I wish I listened 20 year's ago but I did not and to my surprise it actually work's if you actually work it.I have lived in self destruct mode for sooo damn long it's embarrassing but I finally gave in,admitted I couldn't do it alone,asked for guidance and today I can say I'm making progress and I'm no longer full of puncture marks.I pray you find your way my friend. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    Dominica, deanokat and vvvolll like this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @vvvolll... Welcome to the community. I'm glad you found us and shared. And I'm even happier that you've reached out for help for your addiction. That's a huge first step and I'm proud of you for taking it.

    I think @True concern has given you some great insight. I think support group meetings are incredibly helpful for people struggling with addiction. Being amongst others who know what you're going through, who know what you're feeling, and who have the same goals as you is very comforting. The community and connection you'll feel with those people is huge, too. So maybe try to find an NA meeting in your area and check it out.

    As far as support goes, we will give you as much of that as you need. We are a group of caring people who will help, give advice, or just listen as much as you need us to. No judgment. Ever. So you are safe here.

    You're still a young woman with lots of life ahead of you. That life will be much happier and healthier if you can get over your addiction. And I know you can do that. You just have to take the bull by the horns and be willing to do the hard work required to get and stay clean and sober.

    I'm sending you as much positive energy, hope, and encouragement as the internet allows, so be on the lookout for it and receive it. And come back here as much as you'd like. That's why we're here.
    Dominica, True concern and vvvolll like this.
  4. vvvolll

    vvvolll Member

    hey! Thanks for responding, it means a lot! i’m actually a young woman haha, but your message and comforting words still ring true. i’m going to do the 90 meetings in 90 days. I went to my first one last night. it was... ok. It was mostly older men, which I didn’t love. Not that I can’t learn from them them...but, for me personally, men are not exactly a “safe space” f yet. It makes me uncomfortable to be the only women in a room. But, I know there are lots of different types of meetings. So, i’m exploring those as well. Today i’ll go to a different one. I woke up this morning and had a coffee, took my dog for a walk...it felt profound. Ive surrendered to god because i cannot do this alone. This is a new concept for me. Does anyone have any meditations or prayers they recommend? Ive listened to lily eden and louise hay in the past. I’m longing for inner peace and comfort. Thank you for hearing me. i’m grateful for you, and i’m grateful for today, because today I can do the right thing.
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @vvvolll

    Hey there. Welcome to The Forum. The others have given some great insight and advice.

    I will add that I think that whatever it takes you should get yourself to a professional counselor and commit to go for at least a year. You mentioned that you had some trauma, and you've been using substances to numb that pain and now it's habitual. Of course there are things like treatment centers and support groups, and I'm not discounting them.

    But I think that a serious commitment to therapy for a while to start digging to get to the root of the issues, learning how to live life without escaping or running or numbing and just being able to have a third party who first of all is trained, and second of all where you can spill your guts and not be judged. I think it's quite valuable, so do whatever you must to find yourself a therapist or addiction specialist that you resonate with and make a commitment to go for at least 6 months to a year.

    I believe if more people would do this, they'd spend less time suffering and more time experiencing good things in this life.

    Hope this helps.
    True concern, vvvolll and deanokat like this.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    It's great to hear that you're going to meetings.. That will be valuable. Do you have a sponsor yet?

    I'm also glad to hear that you've surrendered to a higher power.! I believe it will make this easier.

    I will get back to you via meditations and prayers. I am a big fan of Louise Hay myself. It sounds like we run in the same tribe ;)

    I know there are some wonderful YouTube videos, with Louise Hay having some of them. I do not know Lily Eden, I'll have to check her out.

    Have a beautiful day and give your dog a big hug from me!
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  7. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Oops! I fixed my post. Thanks for letting me know! :)
    vvvolll likes this.
  8. vvvolll

    vvvolll Member


    Hi Dominica,
    Ive been reading the post on the site and see that you’re a very active and caring member of the community. Thank you for taking the time to do that. I’m in therapy, I have been on and off since I was the same age I started using. I liked the way I was for a long time. I liked being bad, living on the edge, taking risks, and feeling high. It wasn’t until my lifestyle put me in precarious situations, and i suffered more trauma because of the way I was living, that this vicious cycle began. Self soothing, self loathing, i’m obsessed with myself. I need something bigger than me right now. I’m so sick of “self” but it’s me, me,me, me, and my lack of self esteem. How do I get there? just putting it down in words has helped. Thank you for listening.
    Dominica, deanokat and True concern like this.
  9. vvvolll

    vvvolll Member

    I don’t have a sponsor yet. Hopefully, with a couple more meetings under my belt, i’ll find someone compatible. I did get the number of the other woman who was there. i’ll text her to see if she’s going to a meeting today! Yes louise hay is soo comforting. There was a time in my life I was very healthy and mindful, excited to get back to that frame of mine. This is Mister, he’s my little love! he was pikachu for halloween... even tho u can’t reallt tell in this pic lol hugs and kisses from us! C39BBDCC-D589-4F4E-8488-D8A53A4856A7.jpeg
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  10. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @vvvolll... Mister is adorable! What breed is he?
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  11. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You are correct @Dominica is amazing here,when I first came to this community 10 month's ago my recovery was unstable speed bumps and self hate obsession and she was the first to reach out,I never thought I would ever get sober,she was the person who cleverly lead me to start an honest journey, she is a very beautiful soul indeed.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  12. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @vvvolll oh my gosh, how cute!! love this picture!!! and yes, i bet you are excited about this new journey!! i'm excited for you!

    @True concern we were meant to find each other on this journey.... me, you, dean, and all the others here :) divine orchestration.... who knew?? :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
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  13. vvvolll

    vvvolll Member

    he’s a pomeranian! he gives me lots of love. went to a different meeting today. same place but totally different vibe. i’m home now and jonesing a bit... trying to keep myself occupied :/
    deanokat likes this.
  14. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @vvvolll great about meeting!!! throw on some youtube videos that might inspire you ;)
    deanokat likes this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You know one of these day's I will find my "center"My true place of peace with self,one day I will be stronger than ever and when that day comes and I can truly trust myself I will be seeking to be a "Community listener"because I'm not going anywhere, this site has allowed me to open and mend wounds at a successful rate,I'm not there yet but one day I will be and now that I know there is good in me I only seek to keep the positivity going,for me,us,and the addict who still suffers.
    vvvolll, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  16. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I'm proud of you for putting in the work,going to meetings. I am sorry to hear your jonesing a bit but keeping busy helped me so I'm sure it will help you,also continuing to share even if it's just here,I can't express enough how much this helps,I thought I was a lost cause when I started sharing but here on this site the people just kept arguing with me over that notion,the more I hated me the more they showed care,love,and understanding, I will be honest in the beginning it was maddening, I thought "why the hell do they keep saying positive thing's about me?":confused:I assume they could tell something in the way I would write or respond,somehow saw the good through my word's, the way I express myself or something but anyways their suspicions were correct,there is good in me:confused:;),I hated me but tried to encourage and help other's."Empathy"I'm full of that stuff and I'm grateful, I use to say when I was getting high "Sharing is caring"I still say it but today it has a totally different meaning to me.I haven't been to a meeting all day today and like you I go to the same place but the atmosphere and personalities are different depending on the day and time,I want to go tonight but I am dabbling with this new insane concept called "Balance":eek:really weird stuff for myself but my knee is very swollen and I need my legs(long term)o_O so I am just staying off my feet today...as much as possible. You know my last meeting, the one that will probably be my home group is just rattling around in my head,the conversation, the topic,the openness was horrifying for me...Trauma from my childhood was being spoke about in front of 100 people or so but it wasn't me talking and it wasn't my exact memory but listening to someone else talk about being touched by an adult while they were a young child almost made me walk out,I got scared,nervous, started sweating,shaking uncontrollably and then the next speaker had the same thing happen...it kept me awake all night.When I was very young someone did something very evil to me and the memory isn't completely clear and I don't want it to be,I don't want to remember more than I do,but I know my subconscious is going to dig it out at some point and I am terrified, still to this day I am absolutely terrified of a memory,more than anything I want to erase every last detail of it,it haunts me,I have severe trust issue's due to this memory but I am committed to this,this journey of recovery and I don't know how to get past this particular event.I know what it's called but I have a hard time even typing the word molested, I'm not sure why I started sharing this again,the memory is foggy...im sorry I got off track..I don't know why I'm telling you this, I feel like deleting this post but I'm not going to and I don't know why.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS. Adorable little Mister:).Take Care,keep fighting,keep digging,you are worth the effort,worth the opportunity, you can beat your demons, together we all can,we must,we will.Hold your head high and smile you are not alone and we all care about you.
    vvvolll and deanokat like this.
  17. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @vvvolll... Try to keep busy and keep going to meetings! And keep your eye on the prize! Sobriety!!!

    Happy Friday!!
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