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So tired

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Samanthak, Mar 26, 2017.

  1. Samanthak

    Samanthak Member

    my bf became a meth addict two yrs ago. There has been multiple times i believed he stopped. It was all lies. I've been w him 6 yrs. Engaged for 6mos, then I called it off..bc of the dope. I have left and came back three times. I love him. He's so smart, an electrician, owns his own home in a subdivision, he coaches soccer. Anyways so I left 2 mos ago, just recently started seeing him again. Then this wkend we went out of town together. It was obvious he was still using despite him telling me over and over that I was imagining it. It's always me. I'm crazy. I guess I just need advice. Everytime I leave I say I'm done then I feel like I just ditched him when he needs me the most. But it isn't fair to me one bit. I'm a mess.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Samanthak... I'm sorry you're going through this with your boyfriend. Loving someone who struggles with addiction is a huge challenge. There's no doubt about that.

    Remember what Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach us about your loved one's addiction: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. That's so true. The only person who can get your boyfriend's addiction under control is your boyfriend. And until he wants to do that, you will likely continue on the same roller coaster ride you've been on.

    There's a really good book that my help you deal with all of this. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for partners and parents of people with addiction and it's full of terrific information. I would suggest you buy the book and read it. I also thing you could benefit from going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. Being in a support group made up of people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling can be so helpful and comforting.

    Please don't forget to take care of yourself. You need to remember that your life matters, too. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life. You can't let your life be dictated by your boyfriend's behavior. If that happens you will become addicted to his addiction and both of you will suffer.

    I'm sending you lots of positive energy and big hugs of hope. You are not alone. Please reach out anytime you need to.
  3. Samanthak

    Samanthak Member

    Thank you. Last night was a tough one. I ended up going back to his house, hiding the keys to his work truck and telling him he had to go to rehab. Obviously that wasn't a good idea. It just got me headbutted and more depressed. I will b staying away and not answering calls. For now. :( I will definitely b looking into the book u suggested. Again, thank u.
    deanokat likes this.
  4. Vette117

    Vette117 Member

    Remember that THEY have to be willing to get out of it themselves. You can try and try to make then do it, but you can't save them from themselves.

    You have to show them that you will support them getting better, but you can't let them take you down with them. Take care of yourself, and remember that you are not responsible for their issues, no matter what they believe.

    They will convince themselves that you or something else is responsible for their hardships, when in reality it's what they bring on themselves. He can say that you are crazy, but you know that's not true. They can even say it so many times, that maybe you do believe it. Just remember that you are your own person, and that you can be successful without him. Don't let this dark time take away from your happiness.

    I'm going through a similar situation. My girlfriend has turned down a bad path after 4 years, and broke up with me, and it's hard. She is my first and only girlfriend, and I hate to see her suffer and do things that hurt me. She blames me for not doing what it takes to make her happy, and that I have to change for her. I have been continually reminding her that happiness comes from within. No matter how I change myself, they would find something in your new self that isn't good enough.

    They have to face and fight their insecurities and issues. This is hard for them, so they turn away from things that are good to them, including relationships and health, and turn to easy ways to cope. Meth in your boyfriends case is a way out. A quick fix to being unhappy.

    In my Girlfriends case, she has turned to Xanax abuse, alcohol, and sexual encounters with people she doesn't know, and certainly doesn't love. They all give her a moment of happiness, fitting in, and fulfillment.

    They don't last though, which is what causes addiction. They crave the need to feel good and escape themselves, ruining and sacrificing the things that are REAL, like your love, relationship, health, and even money.
    deanokat likes this.
  5. boutdone

    boutdone Member

    Samanthak, Wow your story could be mine. I am going thru exactly same thing. I too feel like I am deserting him in his darkest hour..and always end up letting him come back. Then the whole cycle starts all over again, he will do better for little while and I'll think wow this time he means it...then Boom! same ole thing happens again.
    He helps with no bills, and his money just disappears and he cant tell me one thing he spent it on. Lies, lies and more lies! I am just so tired of his bs... it's so bad I'm getting to point I hate even coming home. So tired of my life! Hope yours gets better...and man do I ever relate.
    Searching for hope and deanokat like this.
  6. Vette117

    Vette117 Member

    Like said before, YOU are not responsible for their choices and mistakes. If you allow them the opportunity to get away with it (not always your fault), then it will keep falling into the same cycle.

    It's not that you are always enabling, but they know they can get it passed you, and will just learn how to hide it better.

    It's hard to see someone you care about make poor decisions like this, but sometimes it's necessary to let them go, and maybe they hit rock bottom and realize that they are wasting their potential and opportunity.

    Show them that you care, and that you will support them, but set boundaries with yourself. Don't take him back into your home if he can't control it. It's hard, but it's best for you, and him. Reward him in subtle ways for positive changes and effort, and let him know that it hurts you when he lies and abuses. If he can't realize how much his choices have an impact on those who care for him, then there isn't much you can do about it yourself.

    We are all human, and our love can sometimes hinder our ability to help and support properly. If you can't help them get onto a good path yourself, it's a good time to find a professional who can have an unbiased view on the situation, and make the proper steps to get them to recover and be happy with being sober.
    deanokat likes this.