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Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Hello everyone,

    I quit using meth over 1 year ago on February 7th. When I stopped using it was a very chaotic and painful time. I will go into more details on this later.

    For the past 2 years both on meth and during my recovery I been hearing constant voices that are very distracting and sometimes irritating. My mind has been delusional as a result but every day I seem to have a firmer grape on reality as I did the previous day.

    Currently I do not consume alcohol unless I have that 1 rare drink and I also have quit smoking . Among other major life style changes I have basically changed every single thing in my life that was causing me distress. I have avoided the negative and have done the exact opposite just to make sure I can handle and confront all the demons in my life .

    Even though my life is very chaotic and I appear to have what resembles psychosis I am sure that I have gone through enough hell to remember and recollect every single mistake in my life. It’s almost as if being insane and out of it for the last 2 years has wiped my mind clean and took away my desire to do anything that would be immoral or hurt myself or others.

    Maybe this is my brains way of defending itself against all of my bad choices ? If it is then I certainly have a very powerful subconscious and or I developed something that resembles what I have been seeking my entire life (.A brain that actually has the ability to know without a doubt the difference between right and wrong ). Prior to this my brain always made horrible choices and I never considered what my actions would do to myself or others. This is the positive part that I have taken out of all this wash and realest insanity . I just decided to quit meth and once I quit I pretty much had no though, desire , dream or problem with staying away from it .

    I relapsed 1 time and this was about almost on my 1 year mark and it made me completely insane and manic immediately.

    I have also gained a higher lever of maturity and awareness though all of my trials and tribulations.

    I know that I was extremely sick and I still have allot of recovering to do. I wish these voices would go away.

    They disable me in terms of enjoying life and certainly need to disappear eventually. I have heard it can take the brain up to 2 years to fully recover.

    I have talked to multiple doctors and I have also had the opportunity to seek self help through my own free will.

    At one time I had a very stupid mentality that was not fit for society in terms of my drug use and thinking pattens.

    Now I can almost recollect and also make choices and remember and also know exactly what to do and not even have any deep churning thoughts or urges.

    I have no cravings and I am probably the most harmless person i know. I have no strange thoughts or behaviors that I am worried about and I do not have any anxiety or paranoia .

    I can admit I do think I am being taunted into believing that the source of these voices comes from a source outside myself but I cannot change that. I can explain more of my insane story later on when I am sitting on my laptop. I mostly just listen and try to go about life as best as I can. I have no control over how loud or the frequency, so I just listen and feel like there is hope that I will seek improvement and get better.
  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    (. Excuse The Typos )

    Correction, I certainly have to much stress and anxiety in my life but most of my problems manifest in a physical form instead of mental.

    I am worried about getting the correct amount of help. I am seeking a new doctor and will see him on May 1st and plan on starting a relationship with more honesty. I suspect that this doctor will likely not just write a prescription but instead give me what I usually do not like. Sometime people have to cope without medications and this would normally be a viewpoint of and public professional that I see.

    I am taking both suboxone , Xanax and also depekote. I seem to be very stable and able to survive very well on this combination. There is a saying though , “. What goes up must come down “. Eventually I will have to deal will coming off of a medication that I rely on and I am preparing for this . Why worry though ?

    My logic is,
    I am suffering with an illness that I cannot control.
    The best I can do is better myself in every way possible.
    Why worry or listen to something that will not relent.
    Why be hard on myself or try to spread a delusional paranoid thought or do a reacting behavior.

    Just be myself and try to me healthy. If I do not follow guidelines to keep myself both physically and mentally healthy I will certainly not go very far in life.

    Sometime I think I deserve what has happened to me. But I am also aware that this is a indicator of illness and a professional will tell me not to be hard on myself .

    They always say I am hard to treat because I know exactly how to talk and think like a professional. I suppose I was always aware of my behavior but until recently I never really wanted to change my belief system.

    I no longer have any bad thoughts in my head and I do not try to linger on subjects or content that will keep me off course.

    There are a few times in the past years where I was doing a very upsetting behavior and the cause was to much alcohol , poor health and not treating my mental illness.

    Either way, With or without these voices in my head I will always need help and will always have to seek it. I can either choose to do what is good for me or choose a old lifestyle where the consequences lead to prison , death or both.

    I am certainly sane enough to know the difference between reality and truth. I hear what I hear but that does not mean that it has to define my whole entire life.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @EndorsesJeans this is very complex, probably not much we can help with here except support and encouragement, you defiantly need to see a psychiatrist and a therapist to start with,I think they can start you back down a path of recovery. I was on Depakote it did not work for ne,made my legs and f eet swell up and I couldn't balance at all. I pray they find you something to shut the voices in your head off.
    Stay Strong and God Bless
    Joshstillclean and Davers like this.
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Unfortunately it is hard to see a physiatrist and a doctor every single time I have a problem.

    Currently I have nothing else to do but cope and also manage the symptoms with the resources I have .

    There are some good things that came from going through all of this and it feels as if I have gone through enough trauma in the last 1 year to have a good understanding of how my behavior is when I do not take care of myself.

    I believe that life will get allot better once I address every single behavioral pattern and just accept the fact that things are out of my control.

    At one time I had ambitions and a strong desire to be someone wou could have a impact on other people but. I chose to have a very immature and unstable mindset. I knew exactly what I was doing and what the cause of all my problems where.

    I have come to a point in my life where it would be almost impossible for me to even purchase drugs or do anything bad. I seem to have grown a very strong conscious. I am aware of everything and I know exactly what is right and wrong. It is a natural inclination of making good choices that takes no thought at all.

    This is very new and strange to me because in the past I kind of just did drugs and never thought about the impact it has on me or other people. Now I think about this every day.

    So I often think ... What can I do now to add and remove certain things in my life just to make it easier. Even if I had to go into a rehab or a treatment I would not be scared or concerned. I would be happy to get the help.
    True concern likes this.
  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Even seeing a doctor or a physiatrist I will tell them what is happening and how I feel and they usually look at me like as if I have no problems at all. In my experience I am usually perceived as equally if not a little bit better than others. This is not my perception of myself but my experience as far as seeing a doctor and trying to get help. In most cases I often feel like they would rather talk about themselves or their profession rather than discuss my problems. There is only so much help a person can get before it is moot. Eventually a healthy person has to take care of themselves and have the ability to be self sustaining.

    My future goal is to rely on myself as much as possible for living. Having a healthy productive life style , working , and not letting my mental health get un the way of having a happy life is my number 1 goal.

    Currently I feel like I do not care about the voices or what they say. It is just a distraction that keeps me from feeling healthy and normal . There is a big difference between feeling healthy and normal and doing it. I already know that there are zero people who would consider me a unhealthy person. I also know that through my own experience I am probably healthier than most. My goal is to have a positive self image and not have anything get in the way.

    In the end all I want is peace and a future where I can return to having a normal healthy brain. Meth is probably the worst drug a person can do. Along with other drugs they have no place in my life at all.

    I am seeking peace and a mind that is very healthy. I already know how to do it and I certainly do not need any distractions that are negative.

    Excuse the typos. Doing all of this on a phone makes it difficult.
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Just so your aware you can have a positive impact on other's right from this site.3-4 year's ago I showed up here much worse than most anyone I've ever seen or known or read about,I got support,encouragement, compassion and genuine concern for my well being....Since then I have made tremendous progress and have devoted a big portion of my life here trying to help other's. I took my shame and agony and put it out there for everyone and slowly I learned how to take my addiction's and struggles and type to each person with True Concern and I do my best to make hope and perhaps a little smile travel through the word's I type.I believe in and love humanity so for my life this is so important to me even though I don't get paid for it I'm ok with that as my heart doesn't beat for dollar's it beats with passion. We are here for you my friend.
    Stay Strong and God Bless
    KeepLookingUp* and Davers like this.
  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Mostly these voices do not disrupt anything but a healthy life and a thought process that will benefit me .

    It also gives me a try or of anhedonic or something I call not being able to experience much joy due to distraction. Tinnitus ringing sensation that clouds the environment and makes it almost impossible to get rest.

    Plus other symptoms. They have gotten better and I remain positive in terms of healing myself.

    I can easily occupy my time with things I enjoy but I will not enjoy or experience life correctly until I reach a point where this is long in the distant pass. Even if it was to disappear I would certainly still have disadvantages that normal people take for granted. Being opiate dependent and also having a problem with motivation and attention is enough for me.

    I certainly feels like being persecuted from an outside source but I will continue to refuse to submit to delusional thoughts as a result of stupid things I hear. It’s almost as if someone is trying to encourage unhealthy distractive delusional thoughts about me being targeted by something that is not coming from my own head. I will continue to ignore it and even as o try to stay present in reality it seems like my brain just want to have nothing to do with any nonsense at all.

    No paranoia . Only a interest in things that I am able to freely think about and believe without the interference from anyone.
  8. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Thank you for the support and ongoing influence on others. What kind of mess did you get yourself into ? I can probably relate to just about every addiction related consequence you can think of.
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    When my head is totally clear I also see random images that are benign and make no sense. A wolf, a person showing his teeth, cartoon characters , and other things that cause no alarm. I am surprised that I have not had any horrifying nightmares.

    Never once in my life have I had dreams about drugs but it was almost as if someone was trying to put a meth pipe directly into my mouth. Mostly in the past I did not dream that much nor do I remember the dreams. Now they are very frequent .

    Last night I had a dream that I was to weak to do any pushups . Strange stuff that seems random but at the same time centered and targeted at stuff that I should be doing like working out, drinking water, working, and being healthy. I consider these positive things.

    I do not care to have dreams about vague drug paraphernalia. My mind just does not process it at all and it ends up turning into something else like a glass fish bowel with a gold fish . The voice might say one thing but my mind is picturing another.

    Sometimes I can recollect what it says while I am sleeping and it often seems like an outside source is giving me a subliminal message.

    I do not submit to my delusions.

    On Saturday February 22nd was probably the best day I had in terms of silence while I was at work.

    I will keep on updating this for myself so I can get a very accurate view of my progress and to recollect dates as time moves forward.

    This is for myself.

    Currently waiting for Summer so I can actually get out of the house and be around more people. I love the company of being alone but it’s almost like having a very irritating voice in my head 24 hours a day.

    Most of the symptoms manifest in physical ways. I try to give these voices a chance to talk to me where I will listen to them and entertain them but only for a very short period of time.

    I do know how I was 1 year ago. I was almost unable to hardly function or do things. It took me almost 8 months of recovery to be focused enough to get a job and go to work every day.

    No human being deserved to suffer with addiction or mental illness. If they are seeking help and really want change then they should have resources available. This is not always the case though !

    That is why I will never choose to step into any type of behavior that will separate me from a healthy reality.
  10. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Sometimes I think I hear 3 sets of voices. One has a high pitch and one is very low and the other seems to grab my attention with certain phrases. My mind can sometimes take in 2 at a time.

    I will never take my brain for granted ever again.

    I will use this forum so I can print some of this ranting off and highlight a few things to give to a therapist when I have the opportunity . No one will really listen and I can already dictate what will happen and what advice they will give. I can probably even give a good detailed summary of what will happen followed by what kinds of medications I should take.

    I refuse to put anymore chemicals in my body. I am already sober and this has been more than a 1 year stretch. I put my body through hell and I am still paying for it today.
  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Depersonalization - The persistent feeling of observing oneself from outside one’s body or having a sense that one’s surroundings aren't real.

    This is a feeling that is overwhelming and sometimes anxiety producing.

    I thought I had problems prior to starting and stopping meth now I have very severe problems and I would do literally anything to get better.

    On the plus side of all of this. I have not had an episode like this for a very long . I need to focus more on life and get away from this current situation/illness by any means necessary. What can you do when you have tried everything ?

    Live life, suffer through the hard parts , try to enjoy the times when you are feeling yourself.

    I have been practicing mindfulness and other things to cope. Unfortunately it is very lonely being stuck inside a prison inside your head. I honestly cannot find a story or symptom that even relates to what I going through. If I do it leads to a very few select group of people who are not on the same level as me.

    Using this as a journal to remind myself what I am going through and how much progress I make .

    Hopefully I can get out of my head and focus on life and relationships. I would like to focus less on myself but right now my own health and well being is my primary concern.
    Joshstillclean and True concern like this.
  12. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    You Are Not Alone!You asked me "What kinda mess did you get yourself into?"Well I will post my initial thread here so you can read what I've been through,and your wrong about no one being on the same level or having a similar struggle. I am Bi-polar which means I loss myself from time to time,it changes my mood,behavior, attitude, etc basically leaving me feeling helpless as in the end after an episode who can I blame but myself?It's hard to blame yourself when you can barely remember your actions so I have to hear it from family who happens to be the people that always get caught in the middle of my breakdowns...I also have I have intelligence I just have a very hard time directing my thoughts in order before either I forget what I was trying to say or I end up in a full blown manic episode brought on by the Bi-Polar disorder so my friend I deal with quite a bit but I found something in this site that has moved me emotionally and that is people...Odd I suppose as most people mainly focus on themselves,I on the other hand help myself through being there for other's in need.I am a religious man and I believe the Lord wants me to try and help other's with the holy spirit right by my side helping me try to be a man if noble character, an area I have struggled with but I can no longer look in reverse, I have to progress so I am helpful to anyone who may need me in any way I can possibly help...but if course there are limitations considering I am staring at a 4 1/2" LCD screen which is a telephone/computer/GPS tracker...but I can't let the thing's in reality I don't care for dictate what the purpose I feel in my heart is.

    Stay Strong and God Bless You

    I will share my story here,give me 5 min to get it up
    Joshstillclean and Davers like this.
  13. cheffy

    cheffy Community Champion

    Just as an aside, remembering all those mistakes is a good sign I think - you're still able to move on with some extra effort. When you get to the point at which you consider those remembered things as the status quo and you no longer take care of yourself, that is when you've become truly psychotic. Many people don't want to remember, especially the things that happen on a daily basis - and that includes me. Anything to forget yesterday, ya know? That's kind of what the drug thing is all about. But now I keep a daily journal just so that I DO remember what's happened to me! And yes, addiction is not just people going out to get high. It absolutely is a true indicator that something is wrong - in a medical way, and you have no reason to feel that you're doing something bad or wrong. You've really taken the bull by the horns and that says a LOT in a positive way. Hey man, you're OK.
    Davers likes this.
  14. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Last Night I had an episode and when they happen it usually breaks me down to the point of not being able to function normally.

    I doubt I could live in the real world and have this affliction without being in an institution eventually. I am barely able to manage the symptoms with medication and the amount of physical and mental pain is something that no one I have ever met suffers through .

    My job is very easy and eventually this will make me lose yet another. Job. It’s a job that I’d to easy to lose but yet it almost is happening .
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Healthy and mentality wise.

    I have not had any problems or thoughts about anything but being pre occupied with having a job or career and not being unhealthy. I definitely know the difference but it is almost as if I am facing a double negative.

    I have never seen symptoms of what I have on the internet.

    At nights it sometimes feels like my head is getting zapped. Sometimes it feels like the auditory hallucinations make it impossible to focus or pay attention.

    I thought I was getting better and I cannot imagine anyone who would wish this on other people.

    My conscious is clear on terms of what I do in life that is right and wrong. But my head will constantly be evil and often tormenting me.

    Never once in my entire life have I had any strange dreams or even used cussing or bad language. Yet sometimes I recollect hearing awful stuff.

    Certainly if you look at people and cases of similar effects about this illness you will have a very hard time finding anything.

    I cannot live like this and I wish it would go away. I certainly learned my lesson in terms of not endorsing or using drugs of any kind. Therefore I should not be able to think about it nor talk about it.

    It almost seems like every effort I make is met with the opposite. Like my brain want me to fail and believe in some delusion. It seems impossible because I was always aware of my behavior. Now I am aware and have guilt and fear.

    Hopefully I find my cure. To get disability you have to have a 2 year record with a doctor. Hopefully i am starting one right now.
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It seems that the voices that I hear constantly nagging are more paranoid than my actual real and healthy mindset. The natural ability to focus, live life, communicate and be a person without any thoughts about anything negative is not natural.

    I certainly suspected improvements but I never want to relapse and certainly need remission.

    How my brain could torment me about things that are only partial truth is beyond me. It’s almost like my subconscious will not let anything go.

    I have already gone through a process of regret and learning from my mistakes and I will forever be reminded of that. Sick and disturbed people do not have a process like I do . So it certainly should not happen.
  17. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    That is my purpose. I remember everything but the frequency at which it happens seems more important. I will dedicate my whol life to doing everything I can to stay away from what I call Sin . This includes influences like movies and experiences. The natural inclination of right and wrong is there and sometimes all this noise distracts me. Only enough to hurt me and make me self medicate and that is it. At least the medications are coming from a doctor and I have guilt about being a normal productive member of society. All of the doctors I see tell me that I am way to hard on myself and I have an appropriate amount of guilt and empathy.
    Davers, True concern and cheffy like this.
  18. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    What helps is Tinnitus Sound frequencies or binaural beats. If they are loud enough I can get a few minutes of peace. Waiting for over a year for that one moment where my ears are not ringing.

    I will keep a positive attitude. The only thing that bothers be is being pulled away from a healthy life with healthy attention.
  19. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Just so I understand as I'm slightly confused here.When you say "The only thing that bothers me is being pulled away from a healthy life with healthy attention"What does that mean?I am not poking fun I just don't understand the statement at all..The only thing I can think is perhaps when life is good at home you don't like depressing text messages or phone calls or something along those lines anyways and if that's close I can relate as I hate having a good day and out of no where get some depressing or stressful text...I think that kinda stuff messes with everyone.Anyways I'm happy to have you around my friend and I pray you can get passed the thing's that are having a negative affect on you.
    Stay Strong and God Bless You, I will keep you in my prayers.Please hold you're head high and live a blessed wonderful life Take Care
    Davers likes this.
  20. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    This is a quote of yours from above.

    "Last Night I had an episode and when they happen it usually breaks me down to the point of not being able to function normally."

    I am truly sorry you suffered a breakdown last night,I have Bi-polar disorder so I can relate to having a breakdown or for me it's like two different me's two different thought processes and actions,but I have medicine for it now that seems to work so God willing I will be able to live a normal, happy, helpful life.If I can just try to help other's I feel peace
    Davers likes this.