There is something I am drastically missing from my life. I at one time would have ambitions , joy and a feeling where I could accomplish a small task and have it mean something significant. I would look forward to talking to a certain person or just simply taking a nap. While I still try to stick to a schedule I feel like I am doing it void of any real life experiences being involved. There are to many times in my life where I have gotten completely sober and I was able to capture glimpses of present reality without any interference. I might be experiencing pain, discomfort and sickness. The good thing about this is that I probably have less paranoia and anxiety about most things than I had at one time. Since I am more confident in my abilities I am still waiting for my actual brain and personality to kick in to its fullest potential. I already have a double negative working against me and indeed it is probably a positive in the long run. Negative plus a negative = Positive .. But I am certainly more apt to listen to positive reason and logic rather than simple instruction without any explanation as to why it happens in the first place. I have excepted it but I will never openly embrace anything that change me into something that I know I am not. There was nothing really wrong with me it was just how I was doing things and what I was putting into my body. My effect on myself plus others combined with psychological guilt, remorse and other stuff that I do not find any need to be obsessed about. I never really had an obsession I just had interests that night of been based on past experiences. But in the long run some of this stuff will catch up to us soon or later and it is very easy to say “**** it”. I suppose one of the things that irritates me the most is not being able to hone and learn any intellectual skills, retain information and knowledge and turn it into Wisdom. Wisdom being the combined experiences of everything we sense and input in our brains and being able to process and use it in the future or pass it onto others. Almost like, As a child knowing that fire will burn and a ice cube is hot. I know I am capable of more things and definitely have more to set my mind and body to. But I am and will never be that use to distraction. I have my own process that I used in the past that worked perfectly fine upstairs . I have changed behaviors multiple times in my life. My brain needs constant stimulation and usually I would provide it will necessary stuff to do this on many levels. The absence of positive dialogue that was very internal and the fact that I cannot get 100% meditation is annoying. I can just take pills but when I am and was in better health I could avoid certain things . Some are necessary right now but some things might need to be adjusted in the future. I usually tend not to worry, work myself up, and even in extreme situations I am fairly calm and very capable of responding with the ability to express or convey multiple feelings or thoughts at the same time. Most of this is blunted though. It’s almost like going through a process that feels designed to hurt me but my instincts tell me otherwise. I often feel like I have a deeper connection to the world and also a sense that was higher or more in tune than others and I have been trying to access this part of my brain again. It’s that sixth sense or ability that I have no word for but certainly miss.