An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    There is something I am drastically missing from my life. I at one time would have ambitions , joy and a feeling where I could accomplish a small task and have it mean something significant. I would look forward to talking to a certain person or just simply taking a nap. While I still try to stick to a schedule I feel like I am doing it void of any real life experiences being involved.

    There are to many times in my life where I have gotten completely sober and I was able to capture glimpses of present reality without any interference. I might be experiencing pain, discomfort and sickness. The good thing about this is that I probably have less paranoia and anxiety about most things than I had at one time. Since I am more confident in my abilities I am still waiting for my actual brain and personality to kick in to its fullest potential. I already have a double negative working against me and indeed it is probably a positive in the long run. Negative plus a negative = Positive .. But I am certainly more apt to listen to positive reason and logic rather than simple instruction without any explanation as to why it happens in the first place. I have excepted it but I will never openly embrace anything that change me into something that I know I am not. There was nothing really wrong with me it was just how I was doing things and what I was putting into my body. My effect on myself plus others combined with psychological guilt, remorse and other stuff that I do not find any need to be obsessed about. I never really had an obsession I just had interests that night of been based on past experiences.

    But in the long run some of this stuff will catch up to us soon or later and it is very easy to say “**** it”.

    I suppose one of the things that irritates me the most is not being able to hone and learn any intellectual skills, retain information and knowledge and turn it into Wisdom. Wisdom being the combined experiences of everything we sense and input in our brains and being able to process and use it in the future or pass it onto others. Almost like, As a child knowing that fire will burn and a ice cube is hot.

    I know I am capable of more things and definitely have more to set my mind and body to. But I am and will never be that use to distraction. I have my own process that I used in the past that worked perfectly fine upstairs . I have changed behaviors multiple times in my life.

    My brain needs constant stimulation and usually I would provide it will necessary stuff to do this on many levels. The absence of positive dialogue that was very internal and the fact that I cannot get 100% meditation is annoying.

    I can just take pills but when I am and was in better health I could avoid certain things . Some are necessary right now but some things might need to be adjusted in the future. I usually tend not to worry, work myself up, and even in extreme situations I am fairly calm and very capable of responding with the ability to express or convey multiple feelings or thoughts at the same time.

    Most of this is blunted though. It’s almost like going through a process that feels designed to hurt me but my instincts tell me otherwise.

    I often feel like I have a deeper connection to the world and also a sense that was higher or more in tune than others and I have been trying to access this part of my brain again.

    It’s that sixth sense or ability that I have no word for but certainly miss.
    Davers and True concern like this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    "PEN TO PAPER SUBCONSCIOUS DIALOGUE " I don't know if it's exactly possible as simply as described, however I am not here to call you a liar but can you explain EXACTLY how to do it as it may save MILLIONS of us?
    Davers likes this.
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    So I have this clarity without the use of drugs. It makes everything very clear and very calm. But as far as how my thoughts and think use to go I am lacking all of the ideas that would rush through my head energetically all at once. It’s almost like missing something that was good and also bad at the same time but not really missing it.

    It’s almost as if I have a hole in my life that I need to fill with something else. There is probably a very good reason for this and I suppose I will figure it out.
    Davers and True concern like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Brother or Sister....Youre not alone so please don't just type to yourself,you're loved,cared for..even though we've never met... I will never judge you...i just am stuck on the same ladder as many of us are.. let's climb this sh1t together...To me we are all family,I believe many others feel the same
    Davers likes this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Davers likes this.
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I was referring to a very old interest I had in the Paranormal and Ouija boards. Setting aside the fact that the piece on the board moves around without anyone really consciously spelling words out allows you to tap into a very shallow area where you can tell yourself what you want to hear. Or something that is already LearnTttt .

    After this I started doing it with my own thoughts. Dialogue is usually very simple and it will come out as something i can use as a tool.

    Aside from that looking back at the past days since March. I feel fine and I can definitely make my own life easier.

    Life is more or less just as good as it was before all of this started. Now that I am getting acclimated to living with a certain degree of discomfort all it really does is hinder me from being a better and happier person.

    So I have to slowly modify things as to live with it better. I will try the best I can and sometimes things might not go correctly. I am no different nor will I get treated any better or any worse than anyone else going through the exact same thing.

    Acceptance.., I guess I have to tolerate certain days where things seem off and I am perfectly fine otherwise. I have to tolerate having my sleep and rest muddled with. In the long run all this illness is doing is running its course perpetually.. Forever..

    Now that I have that confirmation using basic logic and internet searches I can sit back and enjoy every bit of positivity I can. I certainly do not think about anything hardly at all when it comes to be this illness or what caused it.

    I am indifferent and I do not need to find any meaning in things that will never tangibly be available to my other senses working as a cohesive unit. I just ignore the ranting that has no place in my life except for in the garbage can.

    I will give it some small moments of special attention but it is generally not needed. I can and will do whatever I want to do.

    If I maintained a belief that my actions would effect some kind of inner dialogue then I would be delusional. So I have to expect that both good and bad behavior will have an equal effect on my future disposition.

    Since most of my entire life was basically good and wholesome. Not very many people could say a bad thing about me personally. I do not have that much pride so if they did then I would be thinking about them probably more than they gave me credit. I must be the only person that n this entire universe and I am completely separate from anyone else. It’s all about me ..

    This is not even the case..

    I do have 1 magic Wish though. I wish it would not be as loud and that things would level out to something that is as predictable as it is unpredictable. It can be as unpredictable as it is predictable.

    So when the dialogue is a continuous source of lies and non sense the only person it will effect is me when I try tíbios healthier habits and emotions.

    It is perfect rational to eliminate all Paranoia by doing a very sensible activity that allow you to harness logic and use deduction. It might even be fun..

    So I might even try to go Spelunking in the deepest mine ir hole with the highest Iron content in the rock. Blocking out all cosmic radiation and any type of alien beams at least I can eliminate 1 thing . But I do not think about it and I am not obsessed with it.

    I know of a place where I could probably gain Access to that is very deep. I also know of some tourist attractions where a person can go to very secluded areas. Heck it be healthy to explore the deepest part of my own Paranoia.

    So if I had to tell a doctor or a person how I feel. It feels like a Ray or beam is hitting me while I try to live a peaceful existence. It hardly gets any type of physical or emotion reaction out of me it only causes brief moments of discomfort.

    I neither except it’s existence nor do I think it actually exists. I know enough about science and technology through books and past news articles that I have read. But that is about it.

    This will not change.

    I can put my current and future thoughts and motives into a Summary again.

    1. Be healthy ( Mind and Body )
    2. Maintain independence.
    3. Employment and a future where I can find purpose in myself and as a member of society.
    4. Try to do as many things as I can that are possible so I am very sure that my own conscience is clear and that I have no guilt about anything.

    5. Eliminate irrational fears and anxiety by exposure and action . I might not have any paranoia , fear, worries or anxieties on BB the surface but deep down they are there. They have no part in my life and I can certainly make my brain shut up as far as doing every single thing I can possibly do to make things as moot as possible.

    Meaning .. If I can eliminate all of this Evil and Darkness that tries to cause fear, anxiety , distress and bad dreams. I can then create something that will cause the exact opposite.

    Looking at my life. There is no reason to be paranoid and sons things will be out of my control.

    I am no longer scared of sickness , pain or Death. Most people even the sickest of people are able to have brief moments of peace, it could be allot worse. I will think about the people who are actually in a state of pain , trauma and torment. Maybe I can offer comfort to anyone who has any issues they are suffering through.

    We live in a very cruel and harsh world right now and if everyone developed mindfulness, respect , decency, and tried to have a outlook to benefit everyone as a whole then the entire world would be better. If I could put my by goals into a summary it would be to wish others well as a cohesive unit and set aside my own beliefs as selfishness.’

    I am very lucky to have 2 years or more of Christian Science and Psychology under my belt.

    Eventually I will have no opinion..I will just chose the most rational and logical routine and route. I will not share my thoughts as much as I am right now.

    I will certainly go through times where I am sick. I might go through a time where I have to have medications adjusted and I ask myself to be monitored. I am not scared of anything at all unless I cause myself to be scared and vulnerable .

    So it does not matter. I can explore whatever options I can imagine and I can become the person that I choose to become. More or less it is no ones business but my own. If I died right now everything would be pointless. I will not cause my own self to suffer unless I am drug addled and mentally ill.

    Things have changed in the last several years. People care about me and wish me well and assume that I am doing better. I will wish others well and assume things also.

    My business is my business and in the long run. It’s all about time and distraction ( Perception ) . I have the right to be a individual who can think differently just as generations of people have done in the past.

    If I choose to seek delusions and integrate them into my lives then it is perfectly fine unless it effects the freedom and liberty of others.
  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I did not picture myself being like I am right now so something has to change. I have to be just as radical and obsessed about my old behaviors as I am my new health.

    Let’s say that there was a place that offered . Drugs, hookers , heroin , cocaine , alcohol and Midget fights. It is a State facility to fill all the pleasures of the mentally disturbed.

    I would definitely assume that I would need the exact opposite. Not that I participated in all of those activities it is an analogy.

    I will have to get help in the future when I have time. I will have to do radical things to change my life and I will do it all by myself.

    If I choose to radically change and alter my life then I will have more experience with adjusting to things.

    right now though I am Without work and we are suppose to be in Quarantine. So I will just.

    Sit back and try not to take anything that seriously because sometimes we cannot exactly control everything but we can do what we call our personal best.

    There was a point in Time in my mid 20’s Where I had no desire to touch drugs or Alcohol. It was not hard for me to get to a place where I did not even have to take a single medication. Nothing has changed really

    I am sober and I am dealing with the after effects. I will definitely think and do whatever I want without confusion or guilt. That is probably something that held me back in the past.

    I have to motivate myself and I also have to find worth in myself. If I can get the off chance that others will see the sane thing then that will be great.

    I know that I have the ability to be different. I I have a personality that likes to be popular and get other people together for my own agenda. I will always try to do things differently and set myself apart from everyone else.

    Since I have done everything I could possibly do in the past to destroy my life I can now focus on all of the things that will make it better. There are so many things in this world that I now understand that my view has opened up to be something bigger than my own self.

    Potato. !!!
    Davers likes this.
  8. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion


    I have been taking Xanax or Alprazolam for around 7-8 year. 2 mg per day as prescribed by my doctor in Casper Wyoming.

    I always feel guilty that I need and have to take 2-3 medications every day just to function so one day I actually stopped taking Xanax Coke’s Turkey. This was almost 1 year ago and the experience made me completely detached from reality.

    I sat in the living room for over a month and I would go through periods where I would have intense involuntary muscle movements. I could not grasp a coin and I seemed to have Hallucinations. This continues for about a month and I was basically disconnected from reality. I would occasionally get dragged up to Deadwood 2-3 times per week and I mostly walked around Town in a haze and avoided any people.

    Towards about 1 month I started feeling slightly better but I would experience episodes of terror and The feeling as if a Beam has been zapping my head from above. This had repeatedly struck me down to the ground.

    One time I was walking around In Deadwood at 2am and collapsed on a set of stairs. I had a regular community health doctor prescribe me Remron and it might of helped a little bit but I was complete not functional.

    I was also only getting maybe 1 -2 hours of sleep per night. I would wake up and it sounded like a noise or distortion was everywhere.

    I tried taking it as needed but generally like to take 1mg in the morning and 1mg at night. My doctor said that my nervous system is probably out of whack and it is like stepping over a Rattle snake as far as being on it or off of it.

    My old doctor’s recommendation was to continue on my current medications as it took me a long time to find something that would work together and help me.

    When I take it I do not feel anything at all but perhaps my night dose when I need to go to sleep. When I try to forget it I tend to have some Auditory hallucinations that intensify and also will jump out of bed immediately because my by brain seems to make noises while I settle into a process of being awake and going to Sleep. NI would manifest symptoms of illness and be chronically a hypochondriac. I was also unable to hold a job and pretty much sat inside.


    I have been taking this for maybe a year. It helped me tremendously and smoothed everything out to the potent where I actually felt as if everything was even and also smooth. It’s almost as if life and my own well being is centered and I have the ability to process, rationalize and be very docile / composed. It’s almost like it took my whole self and made everything even . I had problems committing to medications in the past and I also had very severe paranoia and anxiety. I would manifest symptoms of illness and be chronically a hypochondriac. I was also unable to hold a job and pretty much sat inside.

    Working with my old Doctor for nearly 8 years I have gone through allot. 80% of this time was unemployed and I made money on the side with a small business that I created in 2012.

    I have now had the opportunity to have gainful employment on a regular basis in Deadwood where I work at a Distillery. I have to be around hundreds or maybe thousands of people and interact , entertain and service all of them at the same time all at once. It has let me hone my social skills and has allowed me to be more comfortable with setting a routine.

    I am worried about having a new doctor and also change. In my general experience just finding a maintenance / Buprenorphine doctor has been difficult .

    I am sensitive to medications and it has been very difficult and traumatic trying to find the right combination that best meets my needs. My main worry is running out of medication and not being able get my current routine as stable as possible. If adjustments need to be made I would prefer to have a say in my own medical treatment rather than be treated like a cookie cutter mold coming out of the community health center.

    I can seek a private doctor but this puts me at a disadvantage as I have to drive all the way to Casper Wyoming for the last 8 years. Now my very good doctor who I am accustomed to has moved to New Mexico. He expressed the idea of seeing a colleague and that after time I could do Skype calls.

    I could probably make adjustments but I am very worried about going through any kind of Trauma associated with Radical Changes. My life has been very easy and less stressful emotionally for awhile. 1 year ago when I had stopped taking Xanax I had gone through a complete meltdown to the point where I was hardly able to even mutter a word or think about anything at all. Now I am getting back into the swing of life and having a job.

    I no longer drink alcohol , smoke tobacco , I try to exercise and I am desperately just down trying to maintain my independence.
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2020
    Davers likes this.
  9. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    "I still have myself up there in my head but I often feel like I am tormenting my own self."

    This is what I do way too often ie, torment myself.
  10. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    When does a person actually have that luxury ?
    Not many do , I'd take advantage of such a opportunity , I understand you (or me) does not want to be locked in a Ward but maybe you can go to a place where you can leave if you want . + you may? can get Mental Health help too.

    I truly wish you well & I find it VERY difficult to deal with voices & stuff.
  11. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Same here. Strange it is.
  12. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I can not speak on Depakote but can on xanax.

    First , You know you should have tried to wean off instead of 'Cold turkey ' after 7-8 years , ( Self Torture, I've done it ) . I was 36 y/o when I came off Xanax & Methadone in Jail for 20 Days , Coming off the xanax was bad i'm sure but the methadone was what was the most Torture , But I'm sure Xanax played a role. Oh I also took 1 half to 2 mg a day of k-pin or Xanax a day Since the year 2000. Everyone is different , I hate you had to go through all that.
    "Taper" is the word of the day .

    Don't know what else to say except , watch out for the Virus it's pretty serious & I distrust any Govt numbers or stats esp, China's. So keep yourself informed . Have a peaceful week Davers
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am mostly ok.. I just am very complacent and completely fine and most of my logical anxieties are centered around rational fears.

    You have my ability to be able to function normally without discomfort or feeling like I need to obtain other drugs illegally. This is why I stressing the importance of seeing a doctor in the area.

    Then you have logical sustainability. In the future how long can I maintain these medications while still being financially and able to do so.

    Then the future outlook. When I get older what is the easiest and best option that is safer in general overall.

    I am sure my brain can still adjust and also learn to deal with the changes and damage. Some days though it feels more like I will just physically collapse wither due to disorientation or not getting enough rest. I need as much rest and sleep as I can get and keeping a strict schedule that keeps me busy is important .

    If I put this all together my physical health will need to improve. I am very sensitive to pain and always have had aches and complaints even as a kid, it was always nerves..

    When I get sleep it puts my brain in a natural reset mode. This is becoming very important to me. Therefore I chose to never go back to adulterating my current being.

    To me it seems very simple . I can set most of my psychological issues and turn them around back to normal.

    Perhaps I will stay away from old patterns of behavior. Sitting on a laptop all day is a tremendous waste of life and time.
  14. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I know that regardless of what medications that I try it might not benefit me that much right now. Do that is off the table ... As far as trying something new I have probably had way to many experiences with medicating myself.

    What prevents me from having a fulfilling life and also having the option of being independent and not scared of being reliant on someone else is the current distraction. No matter how good of a day I am having it will always be a big deficit as far as having something that feels as if it needs my constant attention.

    Since I already had a major attention problem and had to focus and also make my own methods to push through to accomplish tasks and set goals. It makes it very hard to remind myself and focus on responsibilities.

    I also get distracted when it comes to drinking enough water through the day and other small things like exercising or remind myself about real life skills that are important such as doing taxes or paying off debt. At one time I was very clever and also had all the altitude to do anything a normal person can accomplish.

    In school which was a very important memory. I could of easily did the necessary day to day tasks and work that other students had but chose to do the minimal requirements. I also had my own ways of going above and beyond in school and having a unique approach to my education. This was with people of course . I am good with people and I probably could of accomplished everything that was the norm but I was never expected to do that much. I assumed it was a Privileges.

    I do not intentionally work people but as I grew up and turned into an adult unjust naturally had this ability to go places where no one else could go and do things that no one else would get invited to. Eventually as I navigated away from relying on my parents I was always instantly invited into people’s homes and pretty much asked to either move in.

    I cannot count how many times a Woman and also a few men have handed me keys to their home or expected me to be a permanent fixture immediately. I got so accustomed to this happening that I probably had met and lived in 5-6 different places at one time . Coming and going as I please .

    All of vi this stuff made me rely on other people. Most of them either had money or did not work. Some worked and took their by jobs very seriously.

    Now as a grown adult middle aged.. I am even more aware of my impact on other people and when I meet someone I want my intentions to be genuine. They are normally genuine but there are to many people out there who get the wrong idea and are just way to accommodating. My current relationship and situation does not rely apply as we where both equally as non invested as possible and also equally wanting the company of someone else.
    Davers likes this.
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am wondering if my grammar skills are a result of me having a deficit the past 2 years or more or not typing on a computer. I had what icebound call a decent time trying to explain myself to myself but as I reread stuff it sounds like it was written by an idiot. It is probably a combination of a few things .
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Even though life might seem fine and feel ok from time to time .... It feels like I am perfectly fine but it also feels like I will eventually get to a point where I might give up and at the same time be cured of what I am afflicted by.

    I could type on here all day long and tell someone all about my problems. The problem I am having is that I already know what I should do and I just feel tired of feeling like I can control myself but other people have other plans . I really definitely do not need any additional problems in the future and I certainly feel like I am almost coming down with something. My brain needs to heal and my body needs to break itself down and go through a painful process before it can be healthy. At my age I literally only have 1 more chance to not try but to drastically modify pretty much my entire life. I need to do it by myself and I need to also have the best mindset I can possibly put myself in.

    I refrain from pretty much anything that will cause conflict. I am not scared of either pain or hard work. I just cannot seem to imagine a future where both my brain and my body cannot function together.

    I have gained a level of Maturity and also other unknown things. What I am waiting for is clarity and peace and if anyone deserves this it is me. I have worked hard for my sobriety and I am doing what I can to maintain good health. I still might make small bad choices but my brain is way to distracted and this takes all the joy out of life.

    I can talk to someone about it but I’m the end. I will have to rely on myself eventually. I just cannot imagine being alone in a world where my brain can not only occupy me into a state of oblivion but also make me feel completely scared and alone, I cannot imagine a world where I will never get to Pray or meditate ever again.

    My brain was already my worst enemy and sometimes I think I felt a bit better when I felt like I was hallucinating and also being talked to one on one (. My own self talking to myself )
  17. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I definitely would not want to live like this at all. Period .

    Even when I feel like I am left alone and I get a solid 12 hours of sleep in. It is still very depressing and immobilizing to have a narrative inside your head that sounds mentally challenged.

    This is what it seems like to me. If there was someone who had a very small view of your entire life and decided to pick and choose random events and try to turn them into something that they where most likely not. While the narrative is simple any human being can get the Jist of some very simple vague dialogue that seems to cut out.

    Do you remember when só and so.

    Yes I do remember and I did not actually do anything wrong but now that situation is now something I associate with a negative experience.

    Since I have no reason to revisit past situations that even happened 24 hours ago it feels like something that is not apart of myself want to desperately attach to a event or situation where I had to think about it so much that it tarnished a positive memory and also a good life lesson.

    The problem is.. I have already gone through stages of grief and remorse over my past actions. Most of the people that I once knew that actually did do drugs it was on such a limited basis that it seems like nonsense.

    Since I have no guilt or irrational fear of anything it would be my ideal mindset to forget about certain people whom where just using drugs with me and not putting them into any other thought process besides maybe thinking about them once in a great while for maybe 1 or 2 seconds.

    This is why it seems like something that is not coming from my own subconscious. I know exactly what mistakes I have made and now that it is coming up on years since I made these lapses in judgment I feel as if it is constantly being dug up.

    Now there is new material from experiences not only in the past but in the present. A majority of my life has been centered around positivity and staying away from situations that cause discomfort. Aside from drug use this has never been an issue.

    Since I will never have an object , person or tangible thing to focus any of my negativity on .. It certainly feels as if it is trying very hard to make that unhealthy scenario happen.

    You cannot just plant a personality into someone that has no desire or ability to go into that area. Apparently Meth use and the effects changes a person into the opposite of who they where ? Maybe while they are in it .. This is horse crap :) .

    I know exactly how I should feel. My mind generally knows when I am frustrated , angry , upset and hardly never brings up old memories of people and things. Mostly because .. I do not know that many people in the last 10 years unless it is someone that I worked with, fished with, or had stay over as a guest.

    There is to much of a focus somewhere in my head about invisible narratives that ultimately lead to nothing at all or something negative. It’s not the person or the story but the context in which my brain presents it. It was not good or bad and yes ok maybe they where not doing something that I approved of but it was not anything that I need to think about.

    I was using drugs for a very short period of time in my life and it is not the whole entirety of my existence. Why does my brain not set narratives about positivity and the 99.9 percent of my existence that I have lived that was benefiting people or was wholesome and happy.

    I am hardly paranoid about anything I just do not want to be distracted or sick.. I do not want to feel any worse than I would of felt if I had not touched Meth at all.

    That is why I have beaten the odds and stayed out of prison and also had fewer problems in my life. Instead of going back to old behaviors I chose to constantly keep myself in check. At one time I could still hang around old friends from prison and not even have 1 issue with laws, morality or drug use.

    It’s not Paranoia. It might be something else.. I do not Care what it is called or what doctor I have to see to talk about it. All I care about is having a peaceful existence that is as painless and without future problems as possible. If people did not have any incentive to stay healthy they would not care.

    I do not need any incentive for anything that leads to an undesirable situation. So it’s like I am stuck in something that was not apart of myself. It feels as if my brain wants to remind me of negativity on a level that I never committed .
    Davers likes this.
  18. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    While I do remember everything that happened in my life.

    What is the point of thinking about it in the future ? It will not benefit anyone . Not me nor anyone else.

    Certainly most people including myself have the ability to live happy productive lives. But when is there a line between having a very unhealthy reminder that will cause more harm than good. If we stay away from certain things because they are bad do you not think we also will be inclined not to think about it.

    This is my head. I think about absolutely nothing at all unless it is neutral, positive or productive . Once in awhile I might think about drug use, past behaviors but it will not really matter to anyone but me.

    I would prefer to not hear anything resembling a narrative that is screaming. The tone of voice and how you be illustrate a point will emphasize how a person responds.

    I could easily come up with a list of things I could legal say to people , in a certain tone and set a certain amount of attitude in my voice and it my just be able to cause enough harm that it could hurt someone.

    Unfeathered speaking and off the wall free speech can effect people more seriously than most people think. So I am not one of those people who thinks they can say whatever they want without it effecting other people.

    I will always believe that there is a small inclination that I am perfectly fine and that what I am experiencing is suppose to resemble a punishment. This does not mean I need to share my by belief with other people. Would it help anyone ? My brain is responsible for what i consciously say and also think. If I was crazy then I would of not even had a problem with the rantings that I think I can sense in my head.

    There is not a single person in the world professional or otherwise that would ever say anything about my sanity and ability to function. My ability to function normally is based on my cognitive abilities not my behavior. My ability to function is emotional and based on my health not my inability to refrain from doing certain things.

    Since on most days I have a hard time even getting myself out of bed and also into a healthy position then most of my problems effect my more physically than mentally. Or as I could say they manifest mentally and eventually show up physically because healthy Humans are not built to be conditioned to be in that much turmoil. It will effect a person overall ..

    It makes my view of the world very harsh. I have spent the last 8 years being careful about what I do to my body and I also have gone to great lengths to avoid any future illness. Only when I was mentally incapacitated did I go back to being unhealthy as far as my lifestyle.

    This effects not only me but the health of other people. Hopefully there is some miracle cure or some boundary I can break that will push all of this crap away from me. I am in charge of my own life and destiny and I would hope that there are people who would be inclined to think and wish others well.

    I have nothing in the past to fixate on. I would rather be perpetually physically disabled than hear rantings of something that seems so vague it feels like torture. It’s almost like someone singing Mary Had A Little Lamv over and over again 2 inches from your face. You be cannot do anything about it because you generally just prefer to leave other people alone and have a very complacent attitude that is usually very diplomatic.

    If I ever put myself In a position to torment or harass someone while still not really violating any laws or also their liberties or freedoms then I could probably passively make things very difficult for someone. It just is not in my by personality to fixate on any one person or worry about very many be things other than my own self. If I actually had some of my healthy emotions then I could probably be very adept and also prosper in life.

    It takes away my by attention, It does not match up with any definitions of any reports I have ever read about mental illnesses, It exasperates regular situations , It makes me emotionally detached and not focused. If it was anyone else experiencing what I had gone through in the last few years then they would of probably either killed themselves, hurt another person, or had themselves taken away.

    Now that I feel better and I can rant all I want. It is still doing exactly what it was when it first started. The only difference is.. Why ? There is no real reason why I should be experiencing anything other than good feelings and healthy emotions.
  19. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    All I want is to continue to get better and not be in excruciating pain and discomfort. My body is already against me as far as how I need to be healthy and happy for good health.

    I cannot stand a super loud buzzing and the negativity. It is starting to eat away at my desire to survive and seek out self preservation.

    My brain was never like this. I always had the opportunity to be and become a better person than I was right now. I have questioned countless amounts of mentally ill people and never once have I hear anyone report being in a similar state. Even they had drive , ambition and normal lives.

    While I do know that people who are paranoid and ill , They might have views that they hold onto as being the cause of their problems. The cause of my problems has always been myself. Right now I wish I had some Empathy from some kind of higher power outside of myself.

    It wants to desperately convince me that I am or was a bad person but in no reality I was more or less just a drug addict who had not learned a very hard lesson and who also never saw it from a perspective of how other people might see me.

    Certainly things would of gotten better and certainly I would not be the only person on planet earth to have a experience like mine. Especially let’s say 30 years ago .. As far as medical documentation of people suffering through illnesses would someone report of symptoms resembling mine ?

    I really do not care. I would like to have a very peaceful life and I have certainly earned my by right to be whoever I want.

    As far as Doctors. There are bigger things to worry about right now. Our nation is in one of the toughest spots it has been in for a very long time. Other people need help more than me.

    If it was not for Xanax and buprenorphine I would certainly be so sick and out of it I would probably have be to literally be inside a hospital and not a house.

    I just want peace and I just do not care why or how things happen. There does not have to be a reason for vc everything.

    Never in my life have I really cared. If I go through opiate withdrawals , get sent to prison or someone I care about dies. I never ask why it happened . I know enough generally to move on and except circumstances. I know what my condition entails and it is very rare to find someone with such severe symptoms . I am completely sane and competent .

    I just hate hearing an awful noise along with a voice that is generally not polite at all.
  20. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I also would certainly never do anything that a voice says. This would apply to other people and any situation in life.

    I neither blame it on anything and have no reason to have any shame about my past. I can tell my story to anyone and I have yet to meet someone that would not be intrigued.

    Now that I am older.. I am way to old to be sick and have this many disadvantages. It is not anything that I plan on having in my future and even if I have to do something irrational to solve this problem I will go to extreme lengths. Personally I would rather not hear at all than have this on me. Not having any real peace and silence for years is not anything I have ever heard from the hundreds of addicts I have met. Most get to find peace unless they either die or go to prison. Now I am not currently addicted and using ? What now ? I will cycle through endless amounts and different kinds of medications ? Eventually try to check myself into a hospital just to see if that works ? Why would someone do that if they can still stand up , walk around, talk to people and be almost semi fake happy.
    Davers likes this.