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Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I would not really worry that much if my current medication regimen was not volatile.

    If I do not have 1 of a certain medication it would cause drastic amounts of both physical and psychological discomfort.

    Availability as far as getting a regular doctor and also paying for a doctor is very difficult.

    I would be otherwise perfectly fine if I did not have to worry or think about the future prospect and unpredictable patterns of having this symptom that feels like a radiating beam of negativity destroy my life from the inside out.

    I am waiting for it to end honestly. I have scoured the internet and to this day I have never had any problems psychologically as far as being able to not have any brains inside my head.

    I have no real anxieties or worries I just hope certain things happen. I might have a few irrational expectations but as far as what I have researched with other people and have read in the past. Usually a person can return to a very normal and manageable state as long as they remain healthy.

    I have enough things in my life that put me at a disadvantage. Otherwise I would be perfectly fine. I do not feel persecuted I I’m fact feel like I have had enough of this horrible hell on earth.

    What I do know is that I myself and my consciousness will avoid things that remind me of anything remotely tormenting or uncomfortable. If I could make a list or would probably be about 1 mile long.

    Certainly after so much time there is a point when a person just really does not care enough to dwell or think about past trauma. I really am not that traumatized and can function perfectly fine. But in my current state it is almost like there is a loud speaker next to my ear from time to time that spits non sense.
  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I would not really worry that much if my current medication regimen was not volatile.

    If I do not have 1 of a certain medication it would cause drastic amounts of both physical and psychological discomfort.

    Availability as far as getting a regular doctor and also paying for a doctor is very difficult.

    I would be otherwise perfectly fine if I did not have to worry or think about the future prospect and unpredictable patterns of having this symptom that feels like a radiating beam of negativity destroy my life from the inside out.

    I am waiting for it to end honestly. I have scoured the internet and to this day I have never had any problems psychologically as far as being able to not have any brains inside my head.

    I have no real anxieties or worries I just hope certain things happen. I might have a few irrational expectations but as far as what I have researched with other people and have read in the past. Usually a person can return to a very normal and manageable state as long as they remain healthy.

    I have enough thing in my disadvantage. It has made me basically unable to focus naturally on life and also my normal way of thinking in a string where you have the ability to think clearly and are cognizant. You have the space and undistracted clarity to make clear decisions that would of normally been either 1. A GOOD DECISION 2. A Bad Decision 3. Neutral or undecided 4. Another Avenue of thought that branches out making life more interesting and diverse.

    Right now it is mostly noise: Not thinking clearly , very loud and very distressing physically, no connection with emotions both healthy and unhealthy . Then with all of this the brain is simply in autopilot performing various tasks, trying to go through life with the best intentions even more so than I did before. The only thing that I personally dispute is my brain is not wired to behave in any way in which it seems to have dictated itself to me very audibly.

    It is almost as if several years ago I was perfectly fine. I was probably drinking a little bit to much and I was in the process of getting the best job I could possibly get. Then SNAP

    It was like something foreign had infiltrated my head from the outside and since I was not acclimated to tolerating mental illness it almost took my whole life away. Now since I have gone through a certain degree of torment I do not feel like I should do nothing at all but tolerate it and just wait for it to pass.

    Before I was running around with my head cut off acting off of these frustrations and now I am just sitting here hating every passing moment trying to live the best life I can. I lived a majority of my life perfectly fine and while I might of not behaved rationally it was always my choice. When these episodes suddenly appeared it is now just a very irrational , unhealthy and something that I would rather remedy with a nail in my temple than listen to for the rest of my life.

    So in the Future I will not be naturally paranoid. The healthy paranoia that ar one time would keep me active , questioning life, worrying about possible outcomes from people whom you have a sixth sense about .

    Now it will start slowly progressing to the point where I will not have any paranoia and I will behave in a way that is very indifferent in terms of actually making healthy choices for myself.

    The last statement is so close to the truth that I will never allow myself to not care or be indifferent. But if I continues to not show progress with all of the work I have done towards getting better on all levels. Then it would certainly make me a person that I would not even want to live with. This is what makes a person behave irrationally.

    Since I have no irrational behaviors and certainly do not have the time to have irrational thoughts. Then I must be one healthy person that just experiences life differently and who has a mental health illness that will never get any better.

    So now that this mental health illness will not get any better and the future is unknown what will happen and what will I do ? Whatever I want ..

    Does it require much thought ?

    No but there is something on Tv that I am interested in.

    Why do you think all these things are happening ?

    Because I did drugs and I probably have a genetic predisposition towards mental health illnesses.

    Does this worry you ?
    Yes it does, but not in the mentally disturbing sense. It manifests physically in the form of pain.

    I have a very narrowed down dialogue that I will tell a doctor and I can give him answers off the top of my hat while still being honest. My old doctor would correct me from time to time and then I would think about this stuff and I would leave.

    So maybe eventually all of this will be over and I can go back to a respectable job and a very normal life that is away from people that caused problems in my life.

    I certainly wish it felt like I could do this all by myself and alone without any dialogue in my head.
    Davers likes this.
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I know exactly how my thought process works and how I am thinking right now both on the surface and also as far as a reason behind the action even if it was deeply rooted in my subconscious.

    It does not matter how people perceive my point of view or my perception because it is strictly only my view and my experience unless I am taking someone else’s emotions and experience into account. There are allot of variables

    When I wake up it is without intention or thought. I can automatically make right decisions and choices based on past experiences. They do not have to be well planned out or conscious they are simply automatic and most people are hardly aware of how they are . Which would be my own perception .

    So I was taught at one point not to judge a person or a situation even under very extreme circumstances.

    I was taught countless times to hold back irrational fear , anger, pride and other self seeking emotions because I at one time was conditioned / forced to change certain aspects of how I view the world.

    We are separate from everyone else and what I choose to type on here is essentially meaningless. Without a doubt I will look back on this time and view it as a moment in my life where I was having problems but it might not mean anything to anyone else but me.

    I know the human conditions and how people are. How they think and the basic personality traits that they are more inclined to poses. I can quote it out of a book verbatim word for word almost as if I was giving someone a clinical dictionary reference.

    I can also expand upon those and thing about it in multiple levels. I am a human and I am capable of thoughts and emotions. Whatever is happening right now in my life does not describe anything that anyone else would be aware of or care for except me and me only. It will try to influence my decisions but it will most likely fail to do anything relates to having any effect on negative actions and reactions .

    It will of course distract my Natural ability to have a mind that is capable of much more than what has been happening right now .. The present moment is the only thing that is currently distressing and this will never change unless my disposition and comfort changes.

    I can only do a few things to change how I feel. I can choose whatever outlook that makes me and others feel better. I have a choice !

    If someone was jabbing you relentlessly with a stick and you had no other choice but to stand there and to take the jabs as you proceed with life .. This certainly does not mean that the so called stock jabbing is not painful or horrible.

    Normally a person would move out of the way and avoid the situation or they would move the person doing the jabbing. You could also enlist the help of other people to help or get there opinions about it.

    Analogies to the side, I am not in a position to do anything but think occasionally. It is hardly a thought but just a string of words on a forum. I can probably talk to someone else and they may or may Listen. They might offer help or support .. But I have been through that already.

    I have certainly never had a problem in my life that was this relentless. Does this not justify a healthy level or paranoia and detailed thought ? Maybe.. I will do whatever I want with my life and I can think anyway that I choose without any outside interference. That is very logical
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I do know this for a fact..

    I will be completely fine and perfectly able to dismiss any irrational or irrelevant thoughts that are not directly related to the connections of my other senses.

    There would be no one in this entire world that would be cruel enough to inflict this kind of trauma onto one person. Not for the life I have lived as far as dedicating a large amount of years to sobriety and bettering my overall mental health.

    I am a victim of the war on drugs and still to this day people will continue to prey upon me via social media to try to connect with me on the common grounds that I am in recovery and they have illicit substances that they can trade for my legal prescriptions.

    So on the plus side of all of this my stance on keeping other people safe and away from my past behaviors is a priority that I worry about above my own physical well being.

    I just had another very predictable experience where whenever I try to lay down for a afternoon meditation or nap I will experience mild discomfort and stuff that pertains to pretty much nothing at all. It is very redundant...

    I do not have to ask a doctors opinion about how I feel to have him tell me yet again what is happening. I am healthier and generally try to treat myself better than most people.

    I cannot believe that I was in such a stare where I actually believed I had done something wrong or I need to be ashamed of anything . This is not healthy and I will continue to fight my disability with every fiber of my being.

    I do know that Drug addiction is so common that I am not alone but as of right now I am still considered a recovering drug addict whom is desperately continuing to seek psychiatric help from doctors , reading , adjustments to my life and also my main goal being. To set my brain free of all of this damage that is being caused.

    At least I have continue incentive that will remind me constantly not to go back to that crappy lifestyle. With how long it has been going on for and how I plan to handle it in the future I cannot afford any mistakes.

    If this was a punishment then it certainly is not teaching me anything. All I know is I have forgotten what peace and silence is so at least on that front I have nothing to strive for.. My only compromise with my illness is the content that I hear. My brain should be void of thought and it is, I have the ability to think very clearly but I am distracted.. Besides all the bells and whistles of getting bothered while I try to sleep that is probably the only thing I am start to get acclimated to. It’s starting to become a form of meditation to listen and see what kind of crap that this illness comes up with.

    As an illness I will be vague.. My neighbors who gave me Meth where considered an illness. My old friends where considered illnesses. While I still treat even the worst people with decency and respect and I know that I harbor no hate or blame on anyone but myself. I will continue to take this stance and remain as strong as possible .

    My other health symptoms are more worrying. I do not understand why these voices started out so nice and playful then turned into nothing but trying to convince me of a reality where I had to focus the cause and blame for it onto a physical medium.

    A cure is possible because according to psychiatry I have not been diagnosed with anything that cannot be cured.

    If I ever have paranoia I will immediately eliminate it by any means necessary . Any logical means anyways .

    At least then I will know for sure that just as always there is nothing to worry about.

    My best description that I thought of. It’s almost like having someone inside my head whom is sick and. I have to listen to their rantings and also the mind of a person who just cannot have any empathy, control, remorse or thoughts about anything but negativity..

    Never in my life have I ever exhibited any signs of behavioral problems that I would be worried about on a level that would hurt me or anyone else. It was always about drugs and drugs only.

    According to modern medicine.. All of the things iv going through are very manageable and are certainly not this persistent. I would much rather hear the most annoying sounds or have damaged hearing than hear some of this.

    If I was to describe the content. It’s like someone who wants you to be sick and not good enough. This is not how I have viewed people who have similar illnesses. I have never met anyone that cruel and certainly will consider any option of treatment that is medically available.

    If it made this stop I would probably submit myself for evaluation and monitoring. No one deserves to suffer..

    If I could give a message out to the captors and tormentors inside my head. I would tell them that they clearly have ideas about my personality that are misguided and based and over written and under stated dehumanizing Mumbo Jumbo. That I have made mistakes and I had an opportunity to change so I did things a bit differently. That I have a whole life experience that I can go with that does not even relate to the very limited views of the few things I have done wrong. What happened to the rest of my life ? It seems only based upon a very small part and I would prefer if I had an illness that I could use to my advantage so I can help others. That is what I did at one time in my life and certainly no b one ever pays attention to the good things a person does. I think I would of been perfectly fine and that I should get a chance for redemption. Because I remember having small changes in my head and it seemed like someone messed with my fate. This was not apart of me and it took me being very sick to realize that I no longer can be sick and tired. If you can strike me down faster, harder and with more anger then I would suggest that you please do it quickly rather than slowly. Captors , If you can strike me down right now and tell me exactly what you want over and over again until I lose my mind then I will submit. Who deserves that though ?
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  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    There are problems o have that are much worse than being distracted by a distant voice that has nothing helpful to add. At least what I say out of my own mouth is either neutral or positive.

    I do not look at other people as resources but as people whom would be better off in the company of someone who is healthy.

    So my logic is. There are problems that I cannot get rid of therefore I should focus on problems I can solve and move on. There is nothing happening in my life besides severe depression and physical health symptoms. I have a Numbness in my stomach and it is starting to hurt. So I have eliminated allot of crap from my diet.

    This constipation feels like it is more likely to kill me than anything else I am doing.

    I am void of any real anxiety. What I type on here is just a reflection of some very rational thoughts or the start of an irritation thought that I will forget about as soon as I put the phone down.

    More or less.. I could be highly functional in my current state but just like most Americans right now we are all trying to get through a very difficult time. So the best thing I can do to help other people is to stay as happy and as healthy as possible.

    Besides being in the internet or watching Tv . This current pandemic has completely shut down everything that provides regular Americans with health and Stability.

    In order for chaos and health to resume in others. We will all have to get as much help as possible.

    I am seeing a new doctor on Monday and hopefully he will work with me to change my regimen of medications yet again. This will be a good time to stay at home and to acclimate to any symptoms.

    I should of been very worried about stomach issues and intestinal issues a very long time ago but now with this new demeanor my brain seems to give me the opposite of good advice. I have always kind of waited until the last minute to plan things out and make preparations for the future.

    Anyways... Now that things are getting a bit better more or less.. I just have to wait for the economy to start spinning again. I was highly reliant on a Job position in my area and right now I am unemployed. This will not change anytime soon.

    Only thing I can hope for is a positive day with positive healthy people. Followed by as many distractions as possible.

    I am without worries and if I have a current problem I am almost desensitized to some of them. This has effected my physical well being and my nervous system cannot have my old problems along with the new ones that makes things in my head loud and unhealthy.
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I have no idea what to tell a doctor or how to endorse my mental health issues. Everything is so level and so even the only thing that really changes is my perception and that is about it.

    I might of been and still am worried but my anxiety is fine.

    Doctors can be stubborn as far as independently and individuals treating one patient to another but I will go in with the strictest intent to not fool him.

    If I was void of the current issues that I have been facing I would definitely be happier and my decisions and thoughts would eventually lead to my next Niche in life..

    I just drank 2 sugary Sosa’s with no caffeine and they seemed to have put me in a state that will put not only myself in a better mood and disposition but others as well.

    When I was doing my own self assessment a long time ago I ranked myself as having all of the personality temperaments. Sometimes I can feel each individual one all at once .

    This can get confusing but now that I feel stabilized on different meds and occasionally feel ok.. I feel as if this whole Meth thing did not happen I would of been perfectly fine.

    I feel that my glucoses levels are up and down and I try to keep my sugar intake normally down. But I was advised by a doctor to keep things slightly up due to possible hypoglycemia.

    My disposition and my problems are not really that hard. Working out along with a soda and also my normal dose of medication made me feel better than normal.

    I can describe it sanguine, choleric, melancholic, anD phlegmatic.

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  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My intentions are not better than normal they are to feel healthy and also experience a normal level of each of the desired temperaments. This is possible but currently I do not believe that I should feel as if i need to be medicated to the point where it feels like my very first cup of coffee.

    Granted I am always usually in control of myself at this current moment but there is something off regardless of hearing all the background noise. It does not bother me I am just voicing my ideas onto a forum that might help me remember them in the future.
  8. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    So my future plan is to try to harness some of these voices and use the productively.

    If I hear something about let’s say:
    EJ, You have pain in your back.
    Or you are feeling this way. Then I will address these issues.

    If it brings up the past then I will have very brief thoughts about it and since the actual people are no longer apart of my life or they are gone. Then I have no control over what they are trying to convey except making me guilty and constantly aware of my past behaviors.

    There is a gentle voice that gives me advice or maybe some insights and I usually am ok with this. It can be helpful and distracting enough to keep me busy. But both keep me emotionally unavailable.

    There is a break that I will get sometimes and it is pretty much like hearing a bar conversation in the distance . I prefer this over most of them as I can go about my time as I please and be a little bit more present. When this happens people seems to engage with me better as if I am just now getting plugged into life’s internet.

    Rarely will it boost my ego and try to encourage me. I would prefer encouragement .

    Sometimes I can focus on 1 voice or another but generally they are both not that useful or relevant. I have a different set of standards and a more directed path in life. So I hope I can change all of this past jiberish . The past in which I am not scared to talk about and would tell everyone I met about. Now I am more passive and reserved, I do not get ideas stuck in my head and stick with them nor do I go full tilt off the wall in another direction.

    Essentially I have built a new personality and am trying to figure this out and integrate it into my own life. Especially if it helpful or relevant and not bringing me down.

    I rely on what is around me but at the same Time give these voices attention. I try to ignore them and sometimes they are a inconvenience.

    But I have to take a stance and a spiritual approach to add value to my life.

    It’s almost like clairaudience in terms of picking up a voice that has multiple levels.

    After this I am going to study Crptozoology
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2020
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I had some fantastic dreams about being inside a space ship. Then for some reason I was also in search of a bunch of gourmet free food laying all over the place. I also vaguely remember following someone down a cavern into a very small confined space.

    So far lately all my dreams have been very stellar. I actually do not mid having dreams about being in Prison but I prefer dreams that are very vivid and change my outlook on real life.

    I have had so much imagery inside my head I can immediately recognize when something is off or if something is or will never be inspired by my actual self. What I mean here is.... I know exactly what my mind is Capable of fixating one and I know what my fleshy desires consist of. Currently I have no obsessions or desires but would prefer to seek out some hedonistic habits that I once partook in..

    So there is a saying.. You cannot change a tigers stripes not can you teach an old dog new tricks. It would be very likely that if I did not keep myself in check that I would probably ponder on and think about criminal activity.

    If I had a stable job position and also created my own life as far as healthy lifestyle, healthy relationships, and just finding a place where I can have a very stable and regular routine .

    I have been thinking about my Old job at a Winery. It really sucks that I had to loose such a desired position. But just like with most things in life I cannot be perpetually Ill and dealing with my mental states. Normally I am perfectly fine and more or less I have found very normal ways of venting my unstable states. Even if I just internalize something it will eventually just go away. Unless it is an ongoing problem

    My problem is. I am missing a piece of myself that once had the ability to find rationality inside irrational thoughts. I could think about something outside the box and just make it work for me.

    Money wise.. There was only one experience that lasted only a few months where I made a profit off of something and it made me think that it was easier to be criminally inclined than work hard. This is very far from the truth

    My logic is. I would not have a normal life. No healthy relationships or memories. I would not leave a very memorable mark on the world. It would not inflate my ego.

    Plus with all the years and time that I was incarcerated. I could of been working a **** job trying to scrape every single penny together to the best of my ability and I would probably be wealthier money wise than some college graduates.

    So my goal is to be financially and emotionally secure. I do not care about much of anything at all besides getting my life into a path or cycle where I can do stuff the opposite than what the past represents.

    Even though psychology books will dictate that it is very likely that a person will return to behaviors matching the past. I can not think of very many things I had a real problem with as far as social standers , criminal law or health besides .. Drugs and mental health

    All of this leads to one very important detail. I need to take care of my own ****.
  10. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    What I plan on telling a doctor:

    I plan on trying to convey to him how much trouble I have gone through and how my current regimen of medications has took over 1 year to become effective.

    That over a year ago I was unhealthy and addicted to a binge on methamphetamine. I was taking Suboxone, Xanax and Meth then all together I stopped taking Xanax and I was in a hallucinating catatonic state where I sat in a couch for almost 2 months straight completely separated from reality. I got back onto the Xanax after I had a very severe episode while doing daily hard exercise. When I do not take the Xanax and Depakote I feel kind of out of control ( inwardly ). If I stopped taking it I freeze up and I am unable to do anything at all. It’s almost as if I am stuck inside my head and I cannot move. This has gotten substantially better over the course of 1 year. Things will seem very stable one minute and sometimes they are very similar to what I experienced when I quit Xanax. Mostly I can go through half of the day without taking it but something inside me just does not feel right.

    I was also hopping out of bed everything 1-2 hours and I was experiencing extreme amounts of physical discomfort. It was like I lost control of my nerves and reflexes and it was unsafe for me to even operate a vehicle.

    Now it is different.. Up to the point of this pandemic I had a regular job and I was very stable as far as having a routine. Now I am very worried about this whole new doctor and perhaps getting new medications that I am not familiar with.

    While I would be open to the idea of change. I doubt my mind or my body could handle another event where I am disassociated from reality. To me it felt like physical Pain in the form of mantel torment.

    I started taking Suboxone in 2012 and have been on it daily since I got out of treatment. I had overwhelming daily anxiety that was triggered by pretty much nothing at all. It was a very confusing time, once I was stable on this medication life would resume and be relatively fine for many years straight until I encountered a habit with drinking and occasional drug use that turned into a daily habit.

    Now I just want things to return to normal. I generally do not have a opinion or fear about anything that is irrational at the moment. Even if I picture the worst possible outcome I would not really care because it is very likely in my current condition that I would probably continue to still exist and be alive. I have had so many huge stops and changes in my life that it would not matter.

    I would feel more comfortable in a treatment center changing difficult medications than being at home dealing with it. So that part does not bother me. I just need to find stability and sustainability in life where it will be perpetual and more permanent and not waned.

    Still from day to day I know things are generally manageable and find. I could use improvements and do more things to better my current disposition. I could certainly use more confidence but that does not really effect me either . Since I do not really care for that much besides being healthy and happy and having freedom plus independence.. I will probably be depressed and unfulfilled until I obtain all of those.

    I can tell someone about a delusional thought that I once has but that would be the past. If you ask me in the moment if I am delusional then I would say no ! In the past then yes.. I am desiring to create better memories and I can remember precise moments in time where it felt like someone else had deliberately plucked my perception out of my head. Will I elaborate on that ? Sure it’s like if I came up behind you in a Dark Alley and got you I’m the head with a Bat and then left you laying on the ground. You cannot prove that it happened , you do not have any lumps, you where in a area with a population of 1 on a deserted island as a tourist and that person is now deceased. So who was it ? Maybe you just had an episode
    Davers likes this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I understand you're inner dialogue and the search you are on,I understand your examples of explanation...I will continue to read your search
    Davers and Onceaddicted77 like this.
  12. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I might know a little to much about pharmaceuticals as I have tried everything and all combinations both unhealthy and strict.

    But I would seriously have to take about 300 mg of Seroquel just to take the edge off of coming off of that Xanax crap.

    I was very sensitive to all sorts of medications and I would much rather Eliminate buprenorphine than any of my other meds. It would be the most painful and it would take the longest amount of time with the most amount of distress and caution. But that is about my only option..

    Though a doctor has already told me to stick to it. Stop worrying and take all of your pills. It is like holding your foot over a rattle snake.

    But still to this day I am only taking half my dose and feeling half as good. So tonight I will take it all and just shut up. See what happens

    Anyways .. an increase that will probably make me into a more happy person more likely.

    I take less because I refuse to run out. That is the jist of all of this crap
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    So it has been a very long time since I have taken a full dose of my medications but I get adverse reactions that effect my psychologically and physically.

    I am in a state that is much more sensitive. Granted I do feel a bit better but the energy is almost nervous and way to unhealthy. Going on lower doses and figuring this out with a doctor might be tricky. I do plan though on spoon feeding it to my doctor as I do not entirely desire a dramatic crash in my entire life right at this moment.

    That stupid Suboxone medication causes anxiety and other symptoms to manifest including. Manic thoughts and probably impulses that might not be unhealthy but would not be normal for my health.

    It’s definitely hard to equate these things into my health plan and my life as I am distracted and also getting almost tormented by this inner dialogue. Sure I can make it healthy but it feels miserable .

    I just wish these symptoms would subside. So I can get back to life and have no delusions that are that far reaching . I would prefer in essence to keep some thighs to myself .
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  14. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Every day is just difficult and life should not be like that at all. I am not really that worried or concerned anymore about all of my anxiety I just feel as if my brain is acting and feeling contradictory to what I have experienced in life and how I am living right now. Life is going at a very normal slow rate and in addition to my past I have been trying to take things in the scope of one day at a time. It certainly gives me a somewhat sour view of how the real world works and it only really is now effecting my sleep patterns and my ability to be healthy for the sake of others and myself . Currently it is not sustainable and I need every single bit of my head to go through life with a different principles and a different outlook. I am no longer in a position where I am punishing myself at all. I am not even slightly delusional but rather just eagerly expect for myself to get better with every fiber of my being.

    At one time I felt persecuted but now I feel like I need to be in a perpetual state of recovery. There is also no one day that is distinguishable from the next as far as how I view life. It has been hell both before I started to use drugs again and after I quit using them well over a year ago.

    I know I cannot change the past but I certainly wish I could. I feel that I am sympathetic towards other people more so than my own self. How things are currently going just seems like I am trying to get better and out myself in a very good position that would be forever sustainable in the future. There is absolutely no reason why I should feel any less or anymore than anyone else. In fact when I am completely awake I feel just that .

    I have nothing to go on though as far as what feels right and what feels normal. It’s just all hell
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My dreams have not really been that bad but they almost feel very focused on certain things like Prison and Sometimes drugs.

    Last night I was having a dream where there was someone hiding in the ceilings in a Prison similar to the one I was in. We could actually go b up into the ceiling and stash contraband . In this dream in was in a foreign location and I was witnessing someone taunting other inmates into a fight. Which was not out of the ordinary, I would of shrugged my shoulders observed and stated out of the way.

    Prior to that or After it was a vivid dream about being in a River canal with fencing on both sides. I was stashing cocaine in an empty coke can and putting it on a string and sending it down a river so Mexicans could fish it out. It was nonsense and something I had no experience or interest in. While some of these dreams are mildly entertaining like watching a Tv show .. It feels as if my own brain is highly focused on punishing myself as much as possible. Normally I would have a vivid dream maybe 1-2 times every 3 months or so and they certainly did not match any of this stuff.

    These dreams feel contradictory to who I am and also feel inspired by something else. As if they are a disease that you cannot get rid of that through no fault of my own was out there for a purpose.

    But still they feel entertaining not enlightening.

    So I have no fixation currently or in the future to blame anything on but myself. I am still going verbatim through the list of things a person would do or think about while experiencing any kind of persecutory hallucinations. Which they are not exactly hallucinations when I am dreaming but rather just dreams.

    There are things that I would rather just choose to forget all together. There is a large part of my Life missing from the on going dialogue that seems to be focused on things I would of normally just talked about or Mentioned on the internet.
    Davers likes this.
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I have been feeling relatively ok but I cannot stand the amount of Physical pain and psychological trauma that I have to cope with from day to day.

    There are people out there who have experienced brain/ neurological problems and whom had success at coming back to 100% of their ability. With my current deficits and underlying health issues I can imagine that my life would be very short and very miserable if I cannot get my head to start feeling as if it is normal. My body just does not feel like it has the ability to heal and get good rest. Also I no longer have any original inspiration that makes life interesting and different.

    Stuff aside , When I sleep I can hear exactly what my brain is yelling to me about. It keeps referencing stories that I have told on the internet and the internet only. Most of them are me telling a story as if I had actually experienced it myself but instead heard it from another person or was a witness to it.

    It seems fake and trumped up..

    Aside from this I am seeing a new doctor tomorrow on a more regular basis. Hopefully he can get me transitioned onto some type of therapy or help that will eliminate some of these severe symptoms. I have never really witnessed or heard about anything matching my experience. I have worked in, visited , stayed as a patient and have talked to psychiatric patients for a long time and more or less I would be put into a severe category that is functional spectrum wise. But still as far as my past experience goes I can find no reasoning behind a condition manifesting itself besides my own drug habits which in turn would lead to bad behaviors. But I have already corrected every aspect of my life and I am very confident to say that there is not a single thing that I am not doing to keep my brain and body healthier.

    Then you have medications.. I could adjust and take away medications and more or less there has been no connection between anything that provides any kind of therapeutic relief.

    So now that it is all figured out and ironed into a solid firm position I do not expect anything less. I will count on and hopefully plan for bad things to happen but as far as getting better by doing something different ... For the sake of health and wellness is the only reason I can logically do anything. Life does not matter as I am in a position where I have been fighting with my body and being a decent person for a very long time.. So feeling as if Death is knocking me down every day is nothing new. I was of course very weary and anxious about getting older and being happy in the future now I just try to progress through the day. This does not mean I am Unhappy it just means that I have a different view of life. I never was able to get what everyone else seemed to have and that seemed at one time not so long ago very obtainable . All I wanted was a future and a positive outlook. Stability and a place ..

    I expect this doctor to provide me with more or less nothing else but prescriptions. I have no obtainable goal right now as far as living besides getting through each day without pain and psychological trauma.

    Most of he time the voices are so distant I cannot even remember the content or what happened the previous day or night. When I wake up it is almost as if they do not exist at all until I open my eyes.

    There is nothing wrong with my life in the past that would cause me any kinds of worries or hardships. So that is pretty much set to the side..

    Presently I am just trying to get rid of this noise and have some peaceful uninterrupted happy days. At least a few of them..

    I can go without medications and feel slightly sick and anxious and all of that would probably just make me sick for a little bit and perhaps a bit anxious. I have done it many times before and it’s not like it will kill you.

    I have seen hundreds of people coming into a program with countless mental health illnesses and medications and walk out perfectly fine not taking anything at all. They are for people who have to have them and if it was not for a voice rattling off and buzzing. I would probably be more functional and have less psychological problems with zero adulterations.

    Is it not correct to assume that some people just do not need anything at all ? I have been off of them in the past and it made life very worry free and very normal. In fact I was highly functional and very capable of having enough life experience to handle everything in life.

    In the end it is just something that feels like a waste of time. I have no opinions or ideas about anything but it feels like if I just went 1 mike underground that this would just magically disappear. This is a thought that I have without any real context or reason. I cannot expand or tell you why. No reason, I have no fixation or delusional thoughts outside of being indifferent and just wanting to move forward with life.

    This attitude is new as far as my own Health. Even though my brain seems to instigate something I feel like it is someone else inside my head who just does not have any common sense or reasoning skills at all. Mostly it is like being stuck in a Prison for the last 20 years and combining all of the bad experiences and torment into a very small section of time.

    Anyways.. New doctor tomorrow , Nothing will change.. My disposition is I generally do not care. If I have to hop out of bed or get up it is because I am in pain or discomfort. That is about it.
  17. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    I hope you have a good day @EndorsesJeans i pray you find some relief with your new Dr tomorrow. Dont give up, I believe you will get down to the root of the problem in time.
    True concern and Davers like this.
  18. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It was never my direct intention or desire to create any kind of civil discord in my life. I just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time and had been interested in a few things in which I had limited personal experience with.

    It was my desire and intention subconsciously to seek out the attention of others and even if I liked it or not the people whom probably had less of a moral standard/ convictions or they did not control themselves in a degree that they simply followed a resource to which at one time they thought was valuable .

    Yes I did like the attention either negative or positive and I was naive in terms of street smarts. Still though there where a few people who took advantage of me and just followed suite and some who just did it because they probably felt some kind of connection to something : someone bigger than themselves.

    I was fantasizing and delusional as far as watching movies and seeing gangsters. But I was just told about this by other people whom tried to put me in a roll like that. I also did not intend to do allot of things in my life but they just kind of fell into place based on what I tried to expand upon when I was younger.

    It was about anonymity and also sometimes attention. Nothing other than that. I just used a fixed location as I grew up to use as a focal point of my whole personality. I can identify this now...

    All of my other behaviors where mimicking others who seemed popular or interesting. They where also carelessly directed as far as the sense of seeking an identity which is not sustainable.

    But besides that.. I already have been modifying parts of this for years .. It has not been that long since I had an abundance of drug users hang around my locational focal point that would attract people to a unhealthy environment.

    Now that I no longer have that I am trying to do things differently. I believe I have enough information to do things in a similar way but not I’m such a way that anyone would disagree with.

    I will have to keep on thinking and expanding on this as I live but really need my whole brain to figure all this crap out. It really does not matter what I think but what people will perceive how I think and how they respond to it. That is my MO

    I can seek attention in different ways and desire a life that is the opposite of my old one. While still seeking sustainability and self preservation I believe I can have a life which is not similar but very different.

    So I have to eliminate some things.. I have not identified as of right now what I need to eliminate in order to keep myself safe and others safe. While I am certain that I will not do anything that will purposely do anything like that in the future I am certain that I can alter how I view things. For a very long time my view has been mostly inward instead of outward. It is likely that I would avoid such situations that others would participate in and encourage a non confrontational and conflict free course of action.

    That is a good summary as to why I think things happened the way they did. I just need to leave some people alone especially if I see and similar trends In the past.

    It almost seems like I purposely sit myself into this so called as I call it “” A cookie cutter mold of someone who is not myself “”

    I do have multiple personalities but they are based on fixating on the past and not hiding it.

    Now I am most certainly different and I just cannot bring myself to influence anything in any direction that will cause discord.

    Currently we have a country with way to many problems. If someone where to break things down for me and would of taught me various example is the past along with mistakes in this world I would of never had any problems identifying my intentional and unintentional effect on others.

    I will not incite any problems or do what I was doing. Even then people still behaved in a way that did not need any direction at all. It was a mentality that belonged to the wrong organism of sorts. I was not attached to the right things and I am slowly attaching myself to things I can understand and just not worry about.

    Over rationalizing and over generalizations are also part of my personality. Some things I will have to identify and change one thing at a time and some things I will not.

    I get it.. People might assume that I am not all there because I do not say that much but I probably understand things on a deeper level than most people.

    I think I once heard a fact .. If you hear someone talk about something enough times then that must mean some version of that story is probably true. This is not necessarily the case for me. So I had to change my whole Bullshitting to people to avoid certain series of events and problems from manifesting .
  19. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    When I type on my phone I sound like a huge idiot. I Have grammar problems and can correct them if I felt like giving it enough time but it would be useless as this is mostly for me.

    Out of everything I wrote I will probably remember the last post more than any single one of them.
  20. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    The voices have certainly been louder and more intense lately. Nothing much has changed besides staying inside. Today I felt one small moment of stress that I describe as an invisible beam of energy hitting my heart causing it to increase and for stress to permeate through my pores.. I had taken all of my medications and had also taken Extra Xanax ( Which I have to avoid if necessary ).

    While I could probably get through this without additional medications it had mass life very hard to manage, but my mentality through this has been indifferent. I just think , I cannot change anything, predict or help the outcome , nor can I use any clinical methods to remedy this situation.

    All of these problems started so abruptly several years ago that it was crazy... It is not self indicted and I have even refrained from bad foods and Emirates drugs for a period of a year. Besides taking more drugs which cause bad side effects and reactions . They would put me in a listless unfunctional Drexel like stare I have 2 choices. Live like I am always less than human and try to be as happy and well as possible with good intentions for others. Or life unhealthy and medicate myself to the point where all I can do is sit there and watch Tv in a catatonic state while still feeling less than human . Both states are equal and require sacrifice .. One has more pain and suffering while the other makes me not live at all and I will suffer more in the future.

    But logic and predictions aside ..

    I have been drinking more water and keeping a better routine.