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Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Now I am getting moments of occasional deafness. Someone could be speaking very close to me to around 20-30 feet away and I can hardly grasp a word much less process the information. Not only is me attention lacking but last night it seemed as if my hearing was totally cut off. As if someone’s lips are moving but nothing is coming out at all... Most of the time this happens at night right before going to bed or just as I start to try to go to sleep.

    I am still getting frequent constipation which I am trying to relieve using various means.

    This is clearly effecting my overall physical health. I would gladly go back to my brain and body that I had prior to this whole Meth use incident. I was functional and if I had discovered Depakote I would of found a perfect medication that I could use to remedy my past problems. Now it is just a whole new set of issues that are to extreme to live with on a day to day basis.

    Next thing that is likely to be effected is cordination and reflexes. When walking I am off balance especially when the light changes from light to dark. When laying down it always feels like I have nothing but static.

    But I am in such a stare where I am really not that worried I just go about my day and try to ignore it. There is nothing that can be done that I have not already done that will help.

    Frequently I find myself short on breath as if my lungs are fine but the brain is not.
  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    So I am set in what I want and it is still the same just as it was my whole life. I can do whatever I want to do and not really be paranoid ? Not unless it is wrong and I should not be doing it .. So far I have not experienced that much paranoia about anything in my life that I legally did wrong. Most of it was just me being a regular drug addict. I know I certainly do not care and will never have any inclinations towards doing anything that would hurt me or others. I can still eliminate any degree of paranoia or guilt by doing certain things which I am not interested in at all. Just to see what the big deal is ? There is no big deal really .. No one around me cares about what I was doing in the past and no one currently cares. Therefore I just have to deal with dreams and hallucinations, Simple for me to understand. I might just try to be paranoid anyways , it might suit me better. Most of the people around me seem to have certain degrees of paranoia that are u healthy or irrational. I am certainly no different . If it continues I will certainly try to eliminate all tormenting aspects by just doing something so I can prove to myself that it is not a big deal. Normally it is a big deal to me even when it comes to small issues like lending someone $20 and asking for $50 back. I should try to change my outlook if i am that Anal.
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Could not see a doctor in my area regarding Opiate maintenance. They are very stern and not very warm and friendly compared to other doctors I have met.

    I decided to schedule an appointment with behavioral health and also continue to possibly see a referred DR in Wyoming as far as addiction specialist and psychiatry.

    Today has been relatively quite and not as bad as usual. A very normal day in terms of getting a few things done in a positive way and also planning for tomorrow’s work day.
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I have been taking a little bit extra Xanax recently. Mental health help is very hard to find and above all else I watch out for myself and others very carefully. I might have paranoid delusional thoughts or subconsciously might suspect something but it is very distant to the point of.. If it stops or is quiet then I would forget about it and keep my life moving forward forever.

    I have probably made a bunch of drug related mistakes under the influence but I have made probably only 1-2 crazy actions in my life where I had to look back and ask if I had control. I might of not realized it past tense but I pretty much have full control over my own actions . The only thing I cannot control is my own suffering. I can try to be as happy and as distracted as possible but I know I will eventually have times where I feel tormented or bothered on top of a delicate situation where people are already having very difficult times. Every time I see a glimpse of hope for a better more healthy future I will of course be shot down .

    So I will not expect anything to really change. All I can do is just try to live one day to the next. Nothing is wrong with me and I have no problems as far as how I live my life right now. I do know that no one should ever go through the amount of misery that I have gone through in the last several years. It’s like I was this nice , intelligent, intellectual, smart , generous person who just started to get nailed on by a mental health illness that not only wants me to feel the effects physically and mentally but needs my constant attention. If I give it attention or not it really does not matte because it does not change anything. Therapeutically this is not anything that would even match my past mentality or brain behavior:

    It’s like something changed and it has no connection to anything. Even my Father who is in poor health mentally and physically gets more peace and justice than I have gotten when it comes to fate.

    Prayer and meditation does not work. Medications are necessary but not that effective.

    I do know this.. I am interested in pretty much everything that I can look up in life. Search for and ask questions about. I have no convictions about explaining or feeling bad about certain things in my life . I’m fact I probably am more likely to forget about past trauma and some important details just for the sake of not having a head that is working properly.

    I find myself purposely shifting positions when my ears start ringing but this is natural. Even a Rsgular tinnitus suffering patient can relate to that.. All the nerves in my body seem to fire off and various times and I am more or less just getting very comfortable with the prospect that the future is unknown and that I have really forgotten what it is like to feel alive, human and also have peace.. As far as just peacefulness and quiet. Everything has a pain to it and I cannot even decide which is over exasperated or what actually is bothering me.

    The advantage is. I guess I am way to distracted to have my own head with my own anxiety to focus on. I focus on the loudness and it seems to pull me away. I have this very distant feeling like it would be perhaps nice to experience peacefulness and freedom but that I would not b know the difference anyways because I have always had a continued desire for self improvement. In love self perfection and improvement can take up way to much time and be a unhealthy and also a very healthy obsession. I stopped doing this whole self improvement thing and changing myself about almost 1 year ago this Summer. I am more or less not doing anything that I would normally do. The only thing that is missing is past people and friends who had a drug or criminal seeking behavior. I had part of that but I had to read about it in books, watch it on Tv , or search for it on the internet . It is something that I just cannot relate or justify to do. I actually do not understand that stuff at all, I understand addiction but b not all the other stuff that I have seen my old prison friends talk about and go through. Maybe this is why so many had been attracted to me. They wanted to use and exploit me for something else other than me.

    To me it feels like I lost healthy amounts of guilt , regret and remorse.. I remember being perfectly fine and having a huge problem with one of my friends passing away. Then all of a sudden things changed and I cannot make a connection. Sometimes I get a glimpse at all of these healthy emotions but it seems like there is a very unnatural process of me either hurting myself or something else causing it. Like Satan or God wanted to punish me and they are making to many mistakes and took things out of context.

    At least I have all these feelings still and just naturally refrain from doing things not because I have to show restraint but because I just do not know about that stuff. Jokes and reading are one thing. Doing it is another. Putting it into BBC your whole entire life and using it with every fiber of your being no matter what even though you try to resist is a problem.

    I have problems and at one time it was only with Opiates and mental health. Not and perception problems

    This almost feels as if I am being prevented from getting the help I need. I am not scared of anything I am just not hip on the idea of being in pain and going through yet another night where my head is ringing like a bell and screaming at me. It’s all nonsense
  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Stuff has been difficult lately but now I just do not feel hardly anything. Not really in a stare of depression or anxiety nor do I feel confused about what is happening. I just know that it is likely that it will never go away no matter where I am or what I choose to do. After going through literally a shopping bag full of various empty medications and experiencing multiple different medical problems it appears that life is just in the moment and I do not have the luxury of really thinking about the past. So it goes on and I will continue to work.

    Going over a few things now that I know what is going on.. I have been at my absolute worst for a very long time in terms of mental health yet I choose not to engage or participate in behavior that would put me or others in danger. This just means that it is not about my behavior as I am capable of making good choices even in a compromised state that will likely not end.

    My dreams do not really matter to much.. I have never in my life has such interesting dreams but at least they are not bugging me nor do I have any reason to worry .

    Currently I am in need of help but it is extremely hard t try to even find a community health doctor to work with. Especially during a pandemic where they are not seeing patients face to face but rather are seeing patients over Skype or they are doing it over the phone. They had a cancellation so the person whom might of needed more help than myself will have to wait just because I made poor health choices in the past when it comes to my own drug use.

    So I expect things to be very unpredictable and I still remain firm on my stance that I have never had a brain that would even vaguely suggesting pulling up any imagery that was very briefly pornographic. It’s almost as if the content of my time on the internet posting nonsense was trickled into my subconscious in a very real form.

    Still though I have nothing to really worry about besides my intestinal issues. I go about 3-4 days between vowel movements and I can really only feel something in my stomach when my head is not being yelled at . Even then it does not last very long because just as soon as I get relief it starts back up. So it will start gargling and all of a sudden it goes numb . It has started to get mildly uncomfortable but not painful yet unless my brain is being silent. When I hear nothing is when I actually feel what is happening.

    Early this morning I could of used the bathroom but being almost asleep and still sort of shell shocked I decided to wait . Then when I woke up it stared again evoking an almost allergic reaction type feeling in my ear and throat.
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    At work it was very stressful in terms of.. My medication seems to work well and do the job well. But I am doing basic inventory and counting while at one time I was doing counting , accounting, reference numbers, shipping , Point of sales , all of it neatly hand written and very well organized. Long story short my hand written stacks of paper had to exactly match a result in a computer. It was very easy for me and I can imagine that most people would of not had the ability to take up 2 job positions on top of this one.

    Now it is basic. My writing is crap and I had to count stuff over and over again to the point where I was catching mistakes on the way out the door. My brain operates much slower than the voice in my head that is rather manic and all Over the place.

    Normally I could look at a group of objects and get a good count in general just based on regular mathematics. Not so much the case until the end of the day... It was if I had to individually count and I felt almost stupid and I was underperforming compared to my usual track record.

    As far as employee relationships and contacts. I cannot hear simple directions and I have a hard time having focus. Normally this would already of been the case but over the years I had developed good ways and getting things done efficiently and then burning myself out prior to the day being completed.

    The only thing that has really changed is my perception of time and not really caring when or how much work I have left. I could of still worked another 3-4 hours and not had any problems.

    I can still hear nonsense in my b head that either cuts off all together or splits into 2 meanings or might hv e conveying 2 things. They might be opposite of each other or contradictory.

    The details are not really that important as I could summarize it into a post that is probably more or less just as long as this one.

    I just do not care that much anymore and am just trying to go on with life. With all this noise it is way to hard to get the sense of peace and stability that allowed me to make choices . When I was on drugs it may of been split or drug related. Sometimes it was just an interest. Only 1 time maybe 2 if I count searching for drug related content online did I Act prior to actually thinking it through.

    I am mostly Thought before action if things are level and smooth. I do not need any distractions .
  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    From day to day I am mostly fine and have little to worry about in terms of reality.

    I just cannot picture a life being this deformed in terms of my mental capacity. It would be almost impossible for me to maintain a life where I can work hard and earn my position as a functional member of society. In terms of the future I would be slightly concerned with going back to people whom Where addicted to drugs and not doing what they can to stay healthy.

    My lifestyle is very normal and relatively stable. I have a person who supports me when I need it but this relationship does not work if I cannot have a clear head.

    I am seeing a Doctor at Behavioral health but have to do the visit over the phone. Right now with this pandemic we are not allowed to leave anywhere or get the proper treatment that we would of had normally.

    In addition to this I have a backup plan to get the medication I need just in case I run into problems. So sustaining this nasty mental health illness has been very rough. So .. In terms of looking at other people whom obviously need more help than I like to get myself I might have to look at this from another angle. Just because I think I need something does not necessarily mean that I will get something.

    I have encountered hundreds of not thousands of regular people like myself whom do not choose to seek any support or methods of help at all. As far as feeling any kind of paranoia or guilt and worry about not doing what is necessary then I feel nothing at all. In fact I probably am less worried about my health now than I was in the past and it seems to lessen my anxieties.

    I seem to still get strange dreams and only until last night did it feel like stuff was normal but my CD actual real brain would not just let me sleep. I have a bad reaction to medications so I have to suffer through allot of residual health effect in terms of what my genes gave me from my parents.

    I wish I could control and manage the situation upstairs. I have no desire to be anyone but myself and have no guilt or worries about my capabilities. It just feels like I am wasting time and that I am not as sharp, smart and focused as I once ways. It is very unpredictable

    In the past I knew exactly what I was doing and when I did something wrong. Right now it’s just a matter of my personality and just not being able to physically , mentally or rationally capable of making a wrong choice . It’s just because I just do not know how to do something that violates a law unless I put thought and effort into it. I would literally have to go on Wikipedia or the internet and research how to be a criminal in order to accomplish their task. Maybe I am just moving away from the fact that a large part of my life was spent in prison , on probation or in a court ordered program. Once I got out of that situation I was only maintaining a demeanor of the Peers that I had been around and I was also regressing into childhood behavior because I could not find my place.

    Things will be fine though.. Not having the capacity do do things that I am worried about probably cones from some kind of pathalogical fear of not being anyone other than my own self.

    I know myself very well.

    I need certain medications in order to be productive and have normal brain chemistry. It makes me sick to not take them. By sick I just mean physically sick and unable to have mental clarity.

    I can be productive and healthy and sometimes it takes extreme for me to get back on track. If this extreme had to be doing everything humanly possible to suffer and get off medication and be committed then I would agree. This is not a worry

    I know I am capable of being very resourceful and can maintain a position in society Bette than a large amount of the former peers who I use to identify with. This is something I am worried about because I have never had that many hard issues to face in my life in terms of dealing with my head than I have in the last 3 1/2-4 years. Now I am aware of even the slightest change and my focus is very direct as far as where I see myself.

    My thoughts are not about medications but seeking professional help and guidance but also getting treatment.

    After that they consist of a wanting for some sort of purpose as far as having a good productive life and a job. This would include good health overall.

    Then I like Tv, Movies, Games and could really get into higher forms of thinking as far as diving very deep into the corners of my subconscious mind. Meditation and having a peaceful state where things around me are not in my control but rather I am in control of the environment and people.

    The only real worries I have if someone asked. Feeling not in control and going into a state which I cannot use every part of my brain together to make choices. Having urges and natural desires towards seeking pleasure is perfectly fine and it has never been deviant for myself. My brain acts in a way auditory hallucination wise that makes a few words that just makes me want to cringe and wonder why that would be up there anyways. But even if it is up there that doesn’t meant anyone else needs to hear about it.

    It’s a basic statement.. I plan on telling this new doctor over the phone that things have been just very rough and I do not want to deviate .
  8. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I do not get episodes in the traditional sense. I know if I did get out of control at the worst without medications that things would be relatively fine. I might pace around and exercise . Seek additional support through a professional but I would certainly not have a chance of doing anything rash or unpredictable. Most of this was just learned behavior from past experiences as far as being able to center myself. Certain stuff happened once and I have not repeated such behaviors again. It is just coming up on a new stage of life where I have to operate differently and do things outside of what I had experienced. It’s not that difficult but at the same time is very difficult and can be confusing.

    I cannot be confused..
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I do miss naps and having time to myself to meditate. Mediocre life would normally be not something that I would choose as I know I would have to set to a behavioral pattern that seeks out something that is above average. I like to set myself apart from other people and while there is nothing wrong with this I am having a hard time getting a chance to use my imagination to come up with logical ideas.

    This would of been a problem in the past but now I have eliminated one key aspect. That is taking out any chances of having any criminal behavior within my grasp.

    I am perfectly fine having a normal life . I just prefer different experiences that are healthy and also social. Healthy people Will probably be a future goal for myself.
  10. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Once again I tried to do my usual daily meditation and sometimes even a nap. At one time it reduced depression and would give me some alone time.

    No matter how hard I tried to bring up image of Family, Future job positions , Schooling and Education or self help work, being at a doctor or working with Machinery. I just could not stick to any Imagery at all. It was almost as if the time was not there and I just latex there with my therapy cat in a state of being screamed at while in a very deep state of almost being awake and almost being asleep.

    Normally even if I am stressed and stable I can take in a few breaths. Start relaxing and thinking and I will start with my toes and relax everything up through my body all the way to my head. The voices are non intelligible and do enough what I refer to as loop around bot talking to not remember them. It will be a huge struggle to take away such a large portion of my creativity and my wellness. Because my of my health and wellness was centered around the Idea that I could sit back alone in a comfortable spot and reflect back on things and be content in the moment.

    Now it is getting to the point where I am content just being sick and tired. With no energy and a personality that keep friends and co workers from even taking much concern with what ideas I have. I always had a huge disadvantage even when I was at my best but part of my personality was my ability to be confident , positive and focused.

    Now I have no focus and get no feelings of true happiness. Sometimes I get more feelings feeling alone , frighteningly nervous and briefly dismayed then I do having a conversation about how nice it would be working hard, saving money and being able to learn something new like bar tending or working with skilled laborers making cabins. All of which where things I had a good opportunity to learn.

    I am half way or nearly ready to start picking up some basic books on education so I can brush up on generals just in case I need to know stuff . But the spirit of living is just not there anymore .

    I have no idea what is actually going on. Medications just make it easier to function while at one time that just made it harder to get healthy clarity and focus . Now it’s the opposite .

    I can track it in my Facebook and my business records very well. Everything took a dramatic dip after a certain event in my life but BBC even after then I was functioning and feeling good about life.

    Even after I quit meth and had a good rest of sobriety it seemed as if I had nothing to do but get my stuff straight. That stuff is so far gone in the past that I still feel as if I was chosen for something that I should not have. Like it was ordained that I should have this forever.

    Now I just have no hopes or expectations and I am doing things more or less just like I would of nothing happened at all. The only difference is . I do not remember my old problems and impairments and just have to focus on one thing even if I am busy. I have always been very highly in tune and sensitive to pretty much everything.

    I was always aware both past, present and future of what the possibilities where.

    My behavior believe it or not is not the question it is my current condition. Currently this is not anything that will be very sustainable in the future . Unless I want to be senseless for a long time and have peek physical health. I have more than words to describe how I feel what I think is going on. I am a quick study usually ..

    But aside from that.. I relied on everything for my overall health and I certainly need a brain that is nothing but positive. I had different experiences in life that relied on the direction of others and now I am trying to learn it on my own. I can adapt to new environments easily but it is making it difficult to adapt and learn. If there was a mistake or a problem with me mentally during a job I have already gone through and learned that process. Now it is just auto pilot and giving in to a void.

    I can see the problem not the solution. I might of had motivational issues and I wish I could be motivated to do other things. More things than I can list right now, but I have made my own intentions clear on how I would prefer to be.
  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I do vaguely remember a dream last night.

    It was a guy who was jumping off balcony grabbing each rail as he went down. Kind of like in the movies and sort of how I acted playing on dangerous mining equipment as a kid. I was very into stunt jumping kind of like the urban stuff.

    I was also getting the compulsion to get up and eat a butter finger, Shake or have a soda. A midnight snack was something I would of highly enjoyed at one time .

    Then I have the very unsettling voice saying my name . I woke up with my heart pounding out of my chest.

    Everything feels as if it could go completely back to normal. But I need my positive mental attitude to boost myself up . Irrational or not I would prefer to have a higher ego and be aware of it. Leaving out arrogance ..

    Things seem like they can return to normal and I just do not care why it is happening. It’s like someone who threw a ball of paper at you on a crowd “did it fall from a tier or did someone throw it “. Would it really matter to someone like me ? Not really.

    My attitude will bother people that do not agree with my demeanor always. But usually they have more issues of their own. I was just thinking about prison again and how I had to navigate around 300 people who where literally out to get me. I was labeled as a thief in prison and they get treated like snitches. I had to go through this at one time and I applauded myself for my resilience as far as not going into protective custody. Without violence or aggression I was able to figure out a good way to get people to not notice me or like me. Basically I made myself as visible as possible and when confronted with aggression or violence I would offer a hand shake and talk to them like they where a a real person. That is how I dealt with that and even though it does not effect me. This whole prison thing is behind me.. I never mention it to people anymore nowadays . I thought it would be interesting and cool to tell people a stupid story. It is not that cool at all it look stupid.
  12. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I had a rather large piece of time to have thoughts to myself and a bit of peace. I thought about absolutely nothing at all besides meditation techniques and also the prospect of furthering my knowledge via educating myself to gain a new foothold on being resourceful and healthy in life.

    I can totally see myself having silent time and having the Tv off , no noises or discomfort. Reading a few books and enjoying a glass of water or a soda.
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am a bit scared though. I have to many real life problems to overcome to go backwards. I feels like a carnival ride that is just completely Insane. The voices never once reference anything that is actually real or logical. Very rarely will they mention something like « drink more water « or « What do you think about this person ? «
    Regardless of the content I have to think abstractly . Take bits and pieces out of the content by that I cannot avoid hearing and actually make it into a real thought .

    I just really wish I had not been set back in nearly every single possible thing I have done to better myself. I remember reading stories and hearing people who have to cope or learn ways of dealing with this type of stuff and normally they can find several ways to amend the situation.

    The only thing I can do is wait for a slot off-road where things are not that bad. I am not easily fooled and do not expect things to just go away. I have already talked to people and now plan on setting up a more detailed plan of seeing someone on a regular basis .

    If I had done this in the past I would of told them about something concerning almost immediately. Now all I have to do is tell them what is currently going on and catch them up on my history. Stuff I am concerned about anyways.
  14. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Things are relatively fine and I am always seeking additional therapy regardless of my prior mental health. Only I am seeking ongoing regular therapy as a means to communicate with a professional so in the event of a possible life altering experience I can at least have thorough records to give them a good idea of what I actually need for ongoing help. When and or If

    Things are relatively silent and my brain does not make meaningless connections I only am slightly distracted by this annoying auditory commentary that tries to push my attention to something other than what my basic primitive senses can take in immediately.
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    To me it seems manic but not apart of myself. I am able to express myself in a manic way if I choose to be in a stimulating environment where it might elevate my feel good chemicals and attention but there is a time and a place for that. I look mostly inward and have a disposition where another persons feelings and emotions do not effect me in such a way where I am inclined to think or act on any impulsive behavior.

    Simmer down.. Is what I say , Anyways in the past I would use the internet , forums and chat rooms to express manic and inappropriate behavior and it might actually be the opposite of how I would behave and think when dealing with the real world .

    Only when I am unhealthy , on drugs and not keeping occupied will it come to a point where I can break into my own manic cycle . Which is very rarely . I am just not that into myself very much anymore and it will puttee our eventually. Perhaps I will place some of this misguided energy into something that resembles something I care about. Like work or an investment into my own emotional or physical well being .
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Ok so I am going to humor my brain right now just out of spite . All day today it’s like a person is standing next to you acting paranoid and being a delusional nut case.

    I will give it a thought., A co worker whom generally has a uncomfortable attitude to be around works near me and tells me what to do. I continue to work and think of absolutely nothing at all besides my work and the fact that I have to listen to fellow co workers and be a good employee. We are there for a common goal.

    My brains narrative in the form of an Auditory voice outside of my body. Well damn I cannot even remember anything now because it is not important enough.

    The only thing I thought about was that he is a bit more difficult to work around and appears to be on Methamphetamine. I can usually spot them when I see them and it does not bother me u would just prefer to work around people who share a similar attitude as far as not arguing or being unsettling.

    He asked me if I had cleaned a shelf 3-4 times. He was cussing about it yay I ignored him and continued to do my work.

    Then while leaving he asked mevrouw clean a shelf of glasses to which my reply was. I already cleaned it and put everything through the dish washer. He said no I did not and he had extra cups laying in the side and I just put them in the washer and re washed them.

    Then he said it again and I gave him the same reply . He said “. What about those cups “. I said well now it is over with because they are now in the Dish washer .

    So I am not bothered and I might be typing this in haste. I really generally do not have an opinion at all and can get along with pretty much everyone . The Summary of this would be . I wish he would change his attitude but that is unlikely so I will just do my work like everyone else and try to avoid him as much as possible . Out of every single encounter in the last 6 months I have never once experienced anything positive . That is that and it is pretty much over.

    If I had a thought . Perhaps I was acting like this or other people felt the same way about me when I was not healthy and taking care of myself. He also carries and talks the way people do when they live on the fringes of society’s.

    I might be influenced to type and give a response this way. It might effect my overall disposition which has an effect on the evolution of my overall character and how I can learn new personality traits that skilled workers and leaders posses.

    It effects me in such a way which will effect the long game. The evolution and learning ability that defines a person inner self. It might also effect future responses and actions with other people. This is why this is not acceptable to me at all and must be eliminated from my life all together .
  17. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Though I have no complaints I just have a very real expectation that this has to be cured and dealt with in such a way where I can go on with life.

    I will always have guilt about the past but that stuff is over with. I have now changed some habitual behaviors that defined a large majority of my life and either eliminated them or redirected them.

    The future is unknown and having this illness takes away every aspect of life being magical and beautiful. There is not mystery and no profound feelings of understanding something . I can look at my surroundings and see beauty but I cannot see past the beauty that would define a persons life and give them something to love and live for.

    Love is another thing.. Now that I am healthier I am losing my sense of emotions of what I call love. My connection to my higher power is completely severed as if I was cut off forever. It has nothing to do with medications there is nothing that is missing. I still desire change but heck... Even on a sedating dose of Xanax I cannot even enjoy simple things like taking a nap. It’s more of a Coma like trance where I get nothing but.. Well it certainly feels like something that I would refer to as Evil. Nothing natural. Even when I get sick it feels more real than what is actually happening I’m my head.

    So I have to search out new experiences. But that is something everyone does . I am not in any state at all I just have a disposition that is moot.. Nothing will work so from day to day I will be unsatisfied. Even though I probably am partially satisfied. Normally it did not much for me to have healthy happy human emotions. My whole life consisted of mostly positive experiences and I cannot remember that many bad things happening . It’s just not anything that I will ever except and if I said I did. It would be a lie
  18. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Last night I remember getting woke up and it basically feels as if I am in dire agony while I am sleeping . Either having some kind of episode where I cannot control the outcome.

    Then I was dreaming about a very old association between me and a person I knew. We where inside a house that was brand new, there was glass blocks neatly displayed on the wall and while in the dream I believe I was in a state of extreme distress because I remember vividly kind of flopping around in pain trying my hardest to get closer to the person that I just sleep with and also have a communal living condition with.

    The friend in my dream has committed suicide a very long time ago. I only knew him sporadically as someone who dedicated their entire life to drugs. This is someone who grew up basically inside a basement using drugs until he turned 21 or so and then accidentally overdosed the day after getting out of treatment.

    Between all the stories I had put on the internet I had plenty of friends and people around me. So it brings up allot of memories when I myself was sick and my loved ones and friends where suffering.

    It certainly still does not feel like a natural dream because most of these dreams are centered around negativity. While the dream itself was not necessarily negative . I was trying to get back home I’m my dream and be with my parents whom at the time where ging through things. Including myself .. It was not something that was very pleasant.

    I will call it a Evil spirit . For the life of me I cannot imagine how so much negativity can be put into one person. It takes its toll on me in a physical way and I get sucked into a dream that is not exactly real. If I did not type it up it would likely be something that I forgot about tomorrow anyways. This is not normal at all. Either is the trance like state that I am in when I am experiencing all of this horrid crap.
  19. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Good thing is with everything . I will forget about it tomorrow.

    I guess this is a big plus instead of actually remembering and learning from real life experiences.

    I was always in a position where I chose where I was. Now it’s as if I am not the director of my own life. Less to worry about

    Certainly I do know this. No matter what happens in the future or what I dobro change . Nothing is going to really get any better as far as what my current condition is. That condition would be impossible to explain to anyone . Just not that relevant unless I explain symptoms of mild distress.

    I am certainly sick of waking up or laying down at night and getting up for a few seconds . It’s like perpetual same old same old. I am even getting very acclimated to that.. Certainly nothing I need to deal with or anything anyone else needs to deal with. Especially if I am starting to talk in my sleep
  20. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It’s raining men.