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Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I will elaborate later on. I did find something that gave me a tremendous amount of relief. A high pitched frequency sound that mutes out all of the ranting voices I hear.

    I am not scared and I will get very healthy this summer. I honestly believe that my behavior is more important to me then having peace. I would like to remain a law abiding citizen with zero tolerance for any drug use .

    I have been on forums before. Usually I am the one giving advice.

    Thanks for the support. Will answer you supportive question later.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Stay Strong my friend,in happy to hear you found a frequency which provides relief.. God be with you
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Thank you for your thoughts and concern.

    What I mean is that I feel perfectly healthy and fine with much room for improvement. These episodes are mainly rooted in fear and anxiety and all I can do is cope and try to put my attention into something that will make me happy in the present.

    Normally through the day I hear nonsense rankings in my ears that talk so vaguely that it is distracting and often concerning as far as looking towards the future.

    I have not time to participate in any past behaviors that caused moments where I would loose sanity.

    I am in full control of my thoughts and actions and in the past year I made 1 mistake and that was using meth 1 night. It made me think irrationally almost instantly and I did not catch it until I found myself looking up various drugs on the internet for entertainment purposes.

    I have decided to remove all avenues that lead to irrational behavior and right now I am doing very well. My main problem in life has always been drugs and mimicking behavior of those around me.

    A different level of maturity has hit me in the last year and i can admit that these voices are alarming all the time but I will use it to my advantage as a constant reminder that I will never go back to previous behaviors or drug seeking behaviors.

    I thought I could get high legally off of alcohol but this put me in a very dangerous mindset. I just had a manic behavior and did stupid meaningless things out of impulse without knowing the purpose.

    I will even admit that I notice a direct and scary change in my demeanor as I try to write my thoughts down. I plan on using every single day as a reminder that my illness is something that I have to work around or use. I might suffer but I will surely not give into any paranoia or delusional thoughts.

    I will always be working on myself. Hopefully I can stop focusing on myself and give others attention. It’s not very healthy to be distracted.

    At least I know up from down and have that natural inclination between right and wrong. I can hardly download a movie without feeling a sense of guilt.

    This means I am sane and I need to make better choices. Otherwise there are consequences.
    Davers likes this.
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Reading above: My grammar seems horrible and inconsistent. Usually I make less mistakes and I can convey topics easier when I have a laptop handy.

    It was difficult and hard last night but this night it almost seems distant.

    If I start to hear anything I will be forced to use a very high frequency sound that I found on YouTube to help people with tinnitus.

    Along with all of this I do have problems with vision and some minor head pain. When it is coupled together it almost seems like it is happening for a direct reason other than my own past behaviors .

    I will overlook this though and not give into any delusions or hysteria that is on the internet such as Targeted Individuals who think someone is after them. There is no one around so the most logical reason is I am going through my brains process of trying to understand what it happening.
  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It’s Ironic that I feel almost perfectly fine right now. After over a year of having rantings inside my head I almost hear nothing at all.

    The strange aspect of recent events is seeing random harmless images pop into my head. Almost as if I am receiving a tv picture. I can only notice them when I am trying to concentrate on my subconscious.

    Last night I had a vivid dream of vines and a ten dollar bill. Followed by a piece of woman’s anatomy attached to a drawer in the small bedroom where I keep my laser engraver. I cannot explain the random things that my brain comes up with but they seem very harmless. Often bringing up names like Sammy or Sally. I suppose after a certain period of drug use maybe my brain is healing.

    I often have normal dreams about ordinary life. I do not think about anything that involves urges or desires unless I wish to partake in them.

    It is possible that talking on a forum would result in subconscious relief. Maybe I would get the same amount of relief by taking to a counselor at behavior health.

    My new doctor that I am scheduled to see has an option where I have to have frequent Skype visits. It’s not as personal but at least I can have access to care at my home. I live in a rather remote area and finding a doctor to suite my needs is tuff. Paying for the doctor is not a big deal as long as I keep my priorities straight .

    I have been through literal hell and yet I am aware that I am ignoring any feelings or thoughts that keep me away from being present in the moment.

    All I know is. I am far from crazy and I know exactly what I did I. The past that was wrong and also insane.

    There are behaviors that I am ashamed of and they only surfaced 1 time and I will never allow that to happen again. Numbing the brain keeps a person from experiencing proper human emotions. This is why I am limiting some of my medication intake as I see fit.

    I could easily take 4 times the Xanax and suboxone and moderate all my worries . Though I am much happier and more driven when I am not cooped up all day watching tv and self medicating. I will ultimately choose survival and this will lead to better habits. Doing something over and over again is probably the best course to go. I have good instincts. Plus .. Yea I will certainly listen to the voices on my head just to check to see how healthy they are. I can hardly tolerate even the subtitle reference to anything obscene or vulgar and that would be my preferred mindset. I have no idea why some of this stuff surfaced this last year or even the last 2 months .
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I wake up all the time and I have been having very bad dreams that seem meaningless. I’m the dreams I can always here the high pitched voices in my head.

    I seemed to be on a bus without any walls. I am more or less walking around or crawling and then someone starts passing out Cold Slate slimy smoked bacon. My brain is filling in every detail.

    This reminds me of how sick I was and how much better I am actually doing now. It also makes me think about going away for a few months to receive proper help if things ever got any worse than they are right now.

    I have medications that are normally stable but very unstable in terms of managing a source and being independent.

    I think my brain want peace and perhaps I need to focus on finding a good doctor that can prescribe the right amount of medications.

    The only bad behavior I participate in regularly is gambling. I do not spend any money but mostly try to baby sit someone who has no self control. I choose to stay in the room while my very much older significant other get to drunk to even stand.

    I do not need any more strange or weird dreams . They are chilling and get in the way of me experiencing actual happiness.’ Especially when the whole dream involves ranting and past music songs that I listen to,

    All I know is. If I did not get better I’m terms of trying to get the best care possible I would go to any length. Even though I am sane that certainly does not mean I am safe from mental institutions.

    I would like to avoid this in the present and the future. As far as my dream I certainly do not need any cold sliced smoked bacon.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I am trying to understand your situation better so please don't get upset if I ask questions it's just to help me understand better so I can relate to you better as we conversate. 1st can you explain the "ringing or voices"in your head and how they relate to high frequency time's you can find on YouTube?Does YouTube have these tones or frequencies specifically for people with ringing or voices in their head?These voices.. Do you mind if I ask what they say to you?I believe you said there are 3 different voices,but I can't remember for sure.My friend I don't know you however I am very concerned about you.I can tell you have a good heart,I can also tell you carry some guilt and shame however you are working aggressively to overcome those feelings by staying focused on the good inside you and by staying away from old habits such as drug seeking behavior and I commend your courage as it's not easy to do but your doing it.I myself have had a tough month up until about a week ago when my Dr put me on Lithium to control my manic episodes as I am Bi-polar, but since then my head has been clear and I find I don't want any substances as I was always just self medicating the best I knew how,which for me was always torturous as I would have to get the perfect quantity of several things and I always did to much of this one or that one so thank you Lord I finally feel sane again.My friend I pray you find peace ,I pray the voices leave you alone,and I pray the Lord guides you on your journey to a better life.

    Stay Strong and God Bless You All
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    You're quote.

    "I certainly feels like being persecuted from an outside source but I will continue to refuse to submit to delusional thoughts as a result of stupid things I hear. It’s almost as if someone is trying to encourage unhealthy distractive delusional thoughts about me being targeted by something"

    I can relate to this but I will admit being on the meds I'm currently on is helping alot Not long ago I could be told something that would confuse and upset me so bad I would constantly make stupid decisions and compound the fabricated planted delusions and it had alot to do with being Bi-polar as I would get worked up and bounce back and fourth between my moods but this new medicine has allowed me to turn off the noise and focus on what is real.I see you take depakote so I ASSUME your Bi-polar as well or perhaps have seizures,for myself lithium helps me the best,let's me focus on life and what's important. I have turned the corner as well, no longer do I search for someone I'll never find anyways,I just want to focus on healing and getting back to healthy both physically and mentally.
    Stay Strong and God Bless you All
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Personal experience helps.

    I just hope that I can return to a state of normalcy and stay there. At this current rate I cannot imagine being older and with the program.

    I do get frequent headaches but maybe this is a result of not having a proper diet.

    I have already made plans for some sort of inpatient treatment if things ever got really bad. A place where I can heal and get things adjusted so I know I am ok.

    I know when I was going through the worst of it I had what resembled seizures. Mostly allot of head trauma and even when I am at work I frequently get asked why my hands shake so much.

    My main goal in life is to not feel sick and this has been a goal for a very long time. Now after meth use it almost seems impossible for me to have a good solid week where things are neutral and I have confidence.

    I can dismiss the delusional thinking and go on with regular life. This is not hard for me at all.

    Last night was both a good night and a bad night. My significant other got really drunk and I was in a place where I had to take care is someone who probably resembled myself.

    I also had to take extra medication since I was having head aches and problems with my eyes as far abs going to sleep.

    I think I will cure myself because I just have this sense that things are meant to be different for me. I am not special or immune like anyone else but I have been told my whole life that I have opportunity and talents that I am wasting.

    Once I start healing and figuring things out I will surely focus on what is around me and life. For right now my only concern is myself and even though it might be selfish. I know exactly what needs to be done.

    If I do not take care of myself and try to learn a new way of living , thinking and maintaining a good direction I will end up in an institution. This is not where I want to be. But being on some semi unstable medication it might be possible to take a break from life if I need to and get extra help if I absolutely need it. The options are slim and some people have to suffer on the street . This is not how I pictured life.

    Aside from my mental health I will contribute to society when I get my own priorities straight. I will not be associating with people that use or sell drugs. Nor will I try to look up stupid topics on the internet that cause a bad thought process.

    I can see everything clearly. The voices are mostly gone this morning so I will try to enjoy the day as much as possible. Perpetually thinking about my future and how I can handle my current condition.

    I was in Prison and treatments and I am done with that life. Not having a job or good healthy people to be around certainly made me into a person that had no respect for the lives of others.
  10. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    The voices started out very slow but also very abruptly. I remember the first time I recollect them happening and I had been drinking allot and I was also not being very humane.

    One day I was ordering drugs on the dark web a long time ago and about 2 or 3 weeks after I quit meth it was almost as if I heard a knocking like “we are here to mess with you and destroy your life”.

    At first it was mildly entertaining and also friendly but then the screaming and the feeling of having my head electrocuted happened. I was in a haze most nights and through all of this I even managed to go cold turkey on Xanax.

    They mostly say “ We will stop as soon as you.... We will never ... I am going to make it very hard for your head to be... it almost as if the sentences stop expecting my head to fill in the blank.

    Today though they are so distant I would have to actually be crazy enough to try to hear something. I will only entertain them on a healthy level maybe a few times a day .

    I certainly tell them to stop as I was told this by a psychiatrist at one time.

    I almost feel persecuted sometimes which does not matter but I also feel like it will end some day. Most of the day I am distracting myself, working or like today. Just trying to do errands and have a productive and fulfilling life.

    I am not very opinionated on the topic of voices. My goal has been trying to get peace and silence and avoid any future behaviors that I know are not acceptable.

    So yes sometimes I heard 3 sets of voices. At one time I could visually see these lines or blurry beams hitting my head. It was very confusing but as of right now I am rooted in reality.

    When I am in a dark room I see a strobe light effect or a visual pattern that is very annoying. I would like to see nothing but darkness and silence for once.

    There is allot of good to be taken out of this. My old behaviors are in the past and I have only had 1 urge in the last year that was crazy and that was a result of using meth. I guess it sends me to a spot where I regress to a maturity level of when I was a younger kid.

    Prior to the voices I was doing a very good job at being a productive adult but then I was also a heavy alcoholic.

    Alcohol or any substances equals bad choices and I know for a fact that these events will not happen again as long as I am medicated.

    I was acting so crazy and paranoid over a year ago I thought I had terrorists or hackers trying to put sounds inside my head. In a very stupid attempt at trying to fix this I had gone to the FBI office to report it at least 2 times. Plus I had gone to the police station at least 2 times.

    Luckily I was not detained. The hospital ended up throwing me in a room for a 24 hour hold.

    Again sorry about how vague and inconsistent my grammar is. Typing on a stupid older iPhone does not allow me to covey what I actually went through . It has been hell on earth and recently it has kind of gone silent . I am allot happier today and do not need these distractions dumbing down my ability to focus, communicate and be healthy. No one has time for that unless the submit to delusional ideas.
  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    So it has been a very hard year and it seems like last night and also today I have had a very real opportunity to get a glimpse at having no noise or voices in my head. I am a very calm and rational person and I have no problems other than my ability to maintain focus and have healthy habits.
  12. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I find it oddly strange that the best day I have had with all my cognitive process working is today.

    It started years ago shortly before I started working at a winery. I had just had bad experiences with alcohol and also pet Rabbits. This is when I was very aware of the voices consciously. I will probably never revisit that part of my life.

    I think the natural chemicals that n my brain are enough to keep me sane. I know exactly what makes me loose grip on reality .

    Not only drugs but isolation and spending to much time watching tv. Living in the woods with very long winters and snow all around makes being socially active difficult at times.
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Plus it could of been a mid life crisis.

    Parents are selling their property / business which I grew up in. I always had a place to go and also had money to spend on stupid stuff . No responsibilities or real concerns about who I would become .

    Now I am doing things again but this time I am more concerned about health both mental and physical. The only depressing part of this journey is having anxiety and a distant voice that can often be loud.

    Most of the time I feel very distant as if I have to follow someone else around. My old personality certainly works and there is nothing wrong with me besides putting myself in bad positions and making bad choices.

    I will keep updating this for the sake of my own self and that is it. Perhaps I will have something to look back on when I need to explain it to someone else.

    I will focus on me and only myself because that seems to be the number 1 priority.

    Having identity issues is tough . Where should I be at 35 ? Having a career ? A stable family ?

    It could of been much worse ending up in prison or a mental ward. That will never happen as long as I stay away from old behaviors. I was consciously aware of my behaviors except when I am using.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
  14. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    You are not alone,this thing....Addiction+mental health can turn reality and a stable life upside down quick,without warning and if we're lucky one day we find the right meds to relight our brains in a way that resembles normal.This process to is difficult as you never really remember the entire decline of rationale or sanity but we are aware it has happened and now once again nearly stable (mentally)for the first time in many year's I myself am embarrassed and mad at myself for forgetting who I was and how to be that person,though it wasn't my fault as I didn't realize my mental health was in bad shape now me personally I just feel terrible for failing for so long,driven by a mind that wasn't well.I to suffered delusions and things would pop into my head and with nothing to show to support it I would latch onto it as fact or instructions for something...I am grateful this lithium helps but it's still hard to be Bi-polar and A.D.H.D. at the same time because you treat one or the other....they told me they can't medicate me for both at the same time so it feels I will always only be 50% better....but I will keep the faith and I will continue to pray and I hope we both get some relief.

    I am happy to hear you're having a good day.
    Stay Strong and God Bless
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Today is by far the most lucid and reflective and peaceful day I have had in a very long time.

    Maybe it has something to do with keeping my brain occupied. I will admit part of me will always suspect that there was a source that contributed to this other than myself . I will not entertain such thoughts but can only describe it.

    I honestly had a delusion that the military or homeland security was beaming my head with voices. It’s hard to go into detail but this delusional thinking was nothing that I even want to be acknowledging or even explaining. If I felt any sense of guilt over all of my actions and feel like I need to go through life as a normal person just because I want to be healthy then that is enough for me.
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I feel like today I have gotten nearly 90% of myself back.

    Being on buprenophine and Xanax are special medications that are highly regulated and need a special doctor to prescribe.

    Hopefully tonight I have the same peace. Going to bed and having a nice movie night is the only thing that is on my mind.

    We plan on watch a DVD and we also have some pizza that is cooking right at this moment. I enjoy a good solid routine .

    I work, I go to the gym, enjoy a nice supper, go to bed at a certain time, drink water, be stable on medications, and keep things very simple. My current life is summed up into working and keeping busy and trying to enjoy things I like. I love to watch Tv and have a normal nice night inside.

    Even at the peak of my mental illness I pretty much abruptly stopped all behavior almost instantly as soon as I knew my brain was not well.

    For me having a healthy routine is important. I will update this for my own purposes and I can relate to those .

    If I have a silent night I am marking this on the calendar .
  17. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I suppose a healthy mindset would also be accepted and approved. I suppose I feel I feel like I am here out of sufferance sometimes.

    I doubt I have much actual paranoia but the physical manifestations of anxiety are very real. Today they also almost disappeared.

    Maybe good health and vibes are starting to work. I know my body certainly cannot keep up with a mind that does not work .

    No more mistakes .

    If god is listening I would definitely prefer to have nothing but edifying encouragement and thoughts. A peaceful mind and a healthy body. If I have to live with a thorn in my flesh like the apostle Paul then hopefully this thorn will have some sort of value.

    I love meditation prior to going to sleep and there have been a few times where I see images of Faces that are mildly haunting or evil. I was also disturbed by cartoon characters while trying to drift off. Even though it is harmless I try my hardest to make my brain picture something else.

    If I have ever had a paranormal experience of evil . This would be it.

    God bless to those who have listened to my rantings. I intend to print this out one day and highlight some important things . It should help me have another outlet .
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020
    True concern likes this.
  18. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I pray you have a quite evening,enjoy your movie and pizza.I also pray you are able to mark the calender as a full day of peace as I think you deserve it even if I don't know you....God be with us all,Lord we can use your comfort,guidance,and understanding I pray you help each and everyone of us break the threshold which holds us back...whether it be fear,delusion,voices,etc give us the strength and resolve to beat our fears and slay our demon's...In Jesus's name I pray Amen
  19. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Stay Strong and God Bless, I'm rooting for you
  20. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    A good summary is. Feeling out of sorts and semi unstable in terms of worries and anxieties . This whole illness and going so close to insanity has made me the most rational and realistic person I know.

    Is it possible for a person to come from a state that was insane and delusional and have a life changing effect that leads not to death but instead the opposite.

    Not everything is doom and gloom. Maybe my narrative will change in the days to come but I can certainly make choices and remain a person who has a genuine interest in only being the opposite of what I was.

    My thoughts are clear even on the bad days. The only thing that is missing is my aspirations and ambitions of a man who want to succeed.

    I had success as someone who catered for a short time to addicts as a small time drug pusher long ago and when I was not healthy I thought I would do it again.

    Now that I am working and thinking about the future. I am saving more money and I do not have to consort with people who I now despise.

    On the plus side I am saving money and paying for my half of the bills. Something that I have never done in my entire life. $4500 is not much but it is my equivalent to 5 months of work while almost being incapacitated.

    Being self sufficient is important to me.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2020