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Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I hate the feeling of impending doom as if I cannot find a single place to be that is safe.

    When I dream I have already been sentenced by a judge and also sitting in a prison / concrete jail cell for a very long time.

    From start to finish I can remember pretty much everything happening very clearly and it almost seems like a punishment.

    The voices remain very distant and I am only worried about one thing and that is time. Hopefully these will go away eventually so I can get back to regular life.

    Very intense dreams that seem to not make allot of sense.

    Tonight I can also recollect a bunch of motorcycles being tipped over because of me. Almost as if they are dominos.

    My concern is that I have to get off and stable on another medication and without good health and with these very intense voices I would be in a very difficult situation.

    Hopefully today is as calm as yesterday. Same plan and same mindset of just getting through a day without being taken out of reality any feeling of depersonalization.

    I will talk to a therapist eventually again. All in good time I suppose. I know o have had enough of all of this inner torment.

    No one is out to harm me or get me and I appear to be doing very well. Considering where I was a year ago.

    I remember being paranoid and delusional 1 year to the date and I even remember the context. This is allot for anyone to suffer and go through .

    Have a nice day everyone.
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    This morning I probably had the most relaxing hour is sleep that I have had in a long time.

    Though prior to this I see a phosphene reaction in the dark or with my eyes closed that resembles a reflection of sun rays off the water. My have always been deadly sensitive and I have been waiting for this symptom to subside more than anything.

    The most intense experience that I had with a visual hallucination was last year around the beginning of February. I was in a dark room and I had a very bright flashing strobe light centered in my vision. The flickering resembles and often reminds me of something artificial.

    But I am still getting some relief and silence. When I was trying to sleep I hear a very annoying ringing on both ears followed by the sound of sirens going off. I have already reported these symptoms to a doctor/therapists and both did not really give an opinion besides meth is bad and it might take awhile for symptoms to subside and your brain to return to normal. I have not heard the sirens for 7/8 months .

    Oh well . My logic is.

    I cannot do anything about it.
    I cannot get it to stop.
    I no longer think about it.
    It is something that occurs and I mostly ignore it and let the symptoms pass.
    I frequently carry around wireless headphones and can mute out just about everything all at once when it get obnoxious.

    If it was going to quit all together it would of gone away a long time ago.

    No one will ever be able to have any real sympathy for what is happening to me and if I do tell anyone they would certainly not treat you the same as having any other illness.


    I already had enough hard things to cope with in life without worrying about this but I do believe that things will get better.

    At least I get to work today but only minimal hours as of right now. I would have 2 jobs if things where not hectic . Currently I am lucky to get 24 hours per week. When I was working full time for the forestry department in a very physically demanding job I was basically torn apart by the demand.

    My main goal is to get back to work while maintaining a healthy routine.

    Tonight I get an opportunity to have a night all by myself. So I will go to work alone, go to sleep alone and wake up alone. I do not mind being by myself but I would much rather go back in time and enjoy that part of my life where my brain does not feel occupied or distracted.
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am also kind of worried about finding a new doctor. I had been seeing one for almost 8 years now.

    When you take opiate maintenance medications you have to see a special doctor whom is authorized. He prescribed me 2 critical medications that are very stable when you have a steady supply but very unstable when you have to stop taking them.

    You cannot just go to a doctor and get these medications. You have to find one in the area and st one time the closest oliate doctor was all the way in Wyoming which for me is a five hour drive.
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I tend to let ideas and thoughts flow freely when I am on the internet. I try to limit my time online because it was a past lifestyle where I was looking up all sorts of stupid stuff.

    I could understand that my thoughts and typing might seem or come off as manic. This is hardly my thought process when I try to put things into words from my head to online. It is a process which I probably learned with endless non stop communication online through my entire life.

    What a person types and what they look up online is not a indicator of their personality on their actions .
  5. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Welcome Glad your here. Your welcome to use this forum however you want as a journal or outlet or self help. We dont judge and welcome everyone.
    Davers likes this.
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Today was also a good day. Keeping really busy and working hard is probably the best kind of medicine I can get.

    I plan on having a nice night by myself with my 4 cats. Watching the Tv series Deadwood on DVD.

    In ways I wish something similar would of happened to me a long time ago.. To a lesser extent.

    Combining Alcohol with my medications led me down very bad thought processes that I will never repeat again.

    I had no thoughts today about nothing at all but thinking about how well I would get along with a few people whom I have met at work.

    Nothing is really running through my mind and for a plus I have not taken any extra medications. Currently on a Taper schedule and have reduced by 50 percent in the last few weeks.

    I did think about my 1 and only relapse today. How I should probably apologize for my mistake once more. I do know that I was very conscious of my behavior when I had my 1 and only relapse.

    I am expecting a good night. I have nothing to feel guilty for and I am certainly doing the right things in life. I just need to encourage myself for once in my life.

    One of my goals is being independent. With good health all around and a frequent job it will make it even more possible.

    I will have both good days and bad days. I just need to enjoy life and work on myself one day at a time.
    Davers likes this.
  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I do know that once I get my own life figured out I will have to do something with my life if I am able. Maybe I can help someone else.

    I know how impulsively I chose to relapse. It was nagging at my head for a very long time before I made the decision and decided to go with it without thinking.

    Also I have a partner who needs allot of support. There was so much destruction around me from little things I could probably make a long list of my behaviors that effected other people. I am not immune to this and have to do assessments more than once a day.

    I just needed to set childish things behind me and not change my brain chemistry. I was doing stupid stuff with moonshine stills and illegal activities and there are so many people out there who do not get a chance to be free.

    I will have to earn my freedom. It might be a guilt complex or something in my head but I have to have value someplace . No one can tell me any differently.
    Davers likes this.
  8. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Habitual behavior wise.. I know exactly what I was doing and what my mindset was. I was always interested in drugs and also things that all of the adults and cool people use to play with. I suppose my new habitual behavior will resemble exactly what I am doing right now.

    I am in a good mindset and I will certainly need help from professionals. Even statistically.. This gives me a better chance at having a new identity . If I was less distracted I could probably make time for myself and not think so much.

    Having emotions like Love and Empathy are things that I missed and currently miss out on if I am not in a stable place.
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Singing , Music And exercise are things that help everything level out.

    I also notice that my suboxone needs to probably be lowered, I took a lower dose today and I actually felt more energetic and less anxious.

    I work with allot of people and this gives me a good opportunity to work on necessary social skills.

    Maybe I will work up some extra nerve and take on additional responsibilities at work like singing Karaoke/ Hype man. I can probably mingle in with a bar crowd well as long as I am doing it professionally without alcohol.
    Davers likes this.
  10. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    A strange side effect that I notice is myself more and more regularly being the voice that is speaking.

    Plus a term called Earworm in terms of music .

    An earworm, sometimes known as a brainworm, sticky music, stuck song syndrome, or Involuntary Musical Imagery (IMI), is a catchy piece of music that continually repeats through a person's mind after it is no longer playing.
  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Parts of this I can hopefully highlight to explain some of my concerns and thoughts when I actually need them.

    I have been sleeping better and continue to take stuff for sleep that is not RX.

    Melatonin 10mg
    And an over the counter sleep aid
    Buprenorphine 8mg prescribed 16mg
    Xanax 1mg. Prescribed 2mg

    I would prefer to take a stable dose of each @ another 50% reduction. Less seems like more and it certainly makes me think more and feel more.

    When I was on a maximum dose people would often make comments that I had to much energy or that I might be distant .
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
    Davers likes this.
  12. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Dreams have certainly been pleasant. Maybe a little bit abstract and strange .

    I had a dream about working with 2 different metal saws that where not working at all. 1 cut perfectly fine and 1 cut sideways.

    I was also in a state of argument in my dream over what should be done and how I should do it. Almost as if a past annoying friend was talking to me.

    I was hanging around people who used drugs but I could be around them as I had no problem with the people nor their behavior because I had no clue about the ongoing a of the persons personal life.

    Abstractly I kept on being put into a washing machine and I was all muddy . There was the constant sounds of machinery being very loud but I seem to have woken up with a smile on my face.
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Last night was very quite and I seemed allot more content and happy for no reason.

    I do get some minor headaches and pains but that could be due to diet .

    I was sleeping very well and it seemed I had a flurry of dreams about being older and letting go of my childhood.

    My brain seems active and the dreams where oddly strange. Luckily they are not distressing or so they cause anxiety.

    Right now I should try to not worry to much about to many things. My health is important and I definitely need to get out more to meet new people. All off this will change when the days start getting longer and also warmer .

    On most days I sit around and do nothing at all but watch TV and give my cats attention. This would make it very difficult for my significant other with me not being that into reality.

    Today already seems better and things certainly do seem to come from my own head. I was skeptical about the topic but I believe that eventually I will certainly not hear anything at all.

    I will reference and say something rather cryptic. There are things out there that we cannot fully understand or comprehend and the human brain is very mysterious when it comes to health.

    If my dreams keep on going I will have to start a dream journal. I was sitting around with a bunch of people drinking tea , honey and also Bird Seed health food bars.

    Prior to that I had been watching a few kids fish money out of a swimming pool with fishing nets. I was observing a carnival style game and I think it was my heads way of referencing gambling.

    I should start listening to some positive affirmations because the context and content of these voices I hear could certainly be less vague but more positive. I now have what resembles my own inner voice that talks me through everything but I also seem to feel older. It seems like it was just yesterday I had enough time to waste ... Now I want more of anything other than what I was trying to do in the past.

    I will definitely have sympathy for those who have head or brain issues.

    I am getting better every day but at the same time I think it is possible that some of my intelligence and focus I once had is not as sharp.

    It feels like I need to wake up certain areas of my brain that are sleeping . Make tons of adjustments . Take care of myself . Not worry

    The biggest mistake in my life was using that awful meth drug. I am so lucky to be alive and also have freedom I will remember it every single day.
  14. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I know as my brain heals and I get better nights of rest I can feel every bit of having aches and pains.

    I will certainly not have such a stagnant lifestyle when thing resume and set towards a more healthy lifestyle. It is not healthy to have to much isolation, to much comfort or sleep and to much relaxation. Life is full of pain and problems.
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I still get flashes of light. It seems to have made my eyes very sensitive.

    At one time I was in such a delusional state that I was actually welcoming the light as a distraction.

    Plus waking up with what resembles a text message almost burnt into my visual process was very alarming but not scary.

    I have no thoughts , ideas, worries or concerns about what has happened or what will happen. I only have a strong desire to have my head return to normal. Nearly every single day has been spent thinking of nothing at all except being entertained by routine. Going to work, getting off of work, having some time to have a nice dinner and then going to sleep. I would say that in a very basic sense I have developed a very basic way of living and need to add more complexities to this life I live.

    I was usually never thoughtless. At one time I could spend hours day dreaming . I would hardly call my current condition focus.

    This is why I need to use new ways of gaining ground as far as adding new stimuli to feed my attention.

    Maybe day dreaming and lack of attention was a problem that I never had a real desire to deal with until I realized how important life is. I would hate to miss out on this much based on messed up brain chemistry and the consequences of my past.
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    One thing I need to remember is setting my own pace as far as getting some positive affirmations in my head. I never realized how weak and powerful the brain was until I experienced what happens when you lose it.

    When I was very out of it this last Summer I had my self convinced that I could be as healthy as possible and that I could build muscle as if I was taking steroids. I remember everything very clearly and it would take way to long to type out.

    Long story short on all of this what I have been lacking is my own voice in my head to encourage myself. Sometimes I wish that the persistent and nagging one that I have right now would remind me and do me favors instead of being vague and unfamiliar. With my current disorder this is probably the biggest problem that I face. Not being distracted or self encouraged to build upon something new .
  17. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I also experience very small changes in perception and my senses. Almost as if I get a clearer head and also my sense of smell back.

    All my senses have been effected during this healing process.

    One of the things I look forward to experiencing this Summer is a nice rain storm with thunder. Being able to have at least some silence and also having the ability to smell the air.

    When I was on meth I remember not being able to enjoy a single thing at all. It took my ability to do stuff that I enjoy. Even small things like having my attention on Television was something that took an equal amount of time to get back. I was probably on the drug for over a year and it will probably take twice as long to feel better and better.
  18. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It’s also good to know that I still have a higher form of instincts and senses coming back. I can tell almost immediately if a person around me is healthy enough to be around. I had one of these instincts about a co-worker and just through conversation I learned that I had been correct in assuming that he would be bringing up illegal activities.

    Writing on this forum several times a day almost feels like being in high-school. I would put free flowing thoughts into reports and essays pretty much out of thin air.

    If I am going to sit around in my free time I might as well be doing something that will benefit me or others around me. I dislike wasting time and really desire a new pace in life. I am still waiting for a second chance , but I am also taking action.
  19. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Probably the most important thing I noticed is a healthy diet to make everything work properly.

    High protein and fiber. Adequate amounts of water.

    Some of these simple things are so easy to forget. It is, Simple...

    I suppose I could of avoided so many problems by simply avoiding and also doing healthy things that at almost 35 I feel stupid.

    In the future I plan on sticking to this regimen. Skipping breakfast and drinking to many sugary beverages for me can be the difference between good health and not going back to bad habits. Which I know will never happen
  20. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    When I am at home I mostly try to eat Salads followed by chicken or pork. Rice and a variety of vegetables .

    Snack wise I try to keep it less sugary and try to stick to Olives, Cheese, Apples, Peanut butter and Fancy pickled crap that cost $10 a lb.

    Cutting out Soda or having 1 can a day has helped out allot.

    It was only a year or so ago where my body seemed to be shutting down and I had more problems than I could count.