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Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Yea I thought you were mocking the voices hence me putting in that smiley face .

    Again I wish you the best day possible .
  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I was not exactly obeying the laws at one time but I never deserved to feel like this. With or without my opinion how I feel does not matter. With how things are currently and how people are effected by other people I would be ashamed not angry. Other people would turn stuff upside down if they knew what I had been through. I would never want that. Just look at how things are now.

    I would expect a certain degree of caution if a technology was used. It would be barbaric and horrific to go through this any longer than 1 day. It has to stop eventually.

    My brain is fine. My personality does not care about the stuff i hear in hallucinations terms.
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I just cannot burn another bridge in real life. I have been trying to work hard but it does not feel like it.

    I need some kind of peace or peace of mind. I will eventually need a good reference with my job and naming the name and company that I work for along with a bit of experience could allow me to enter doors in life that would be better for me than most of the things in the past.
    Davers likes this.
  4. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Wishing you a great / peaceful day ..
  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    This is why nothing really bothers me nor does it make sense. There are a few moments in my past that I probably should of avoided and had the experience to avoid. Not just experience but maturity and common sense .

    But that was the past and there are only a select few moments that I can logically recollect that would severely set me apart and cause a very bad mixture that would of ripped stuff apart in not only my life but the lives of others. It was not normal

    But now all that stuff is over. I am over it , other people are over it and Time will continue to move forward. So with all this happening I just try to look towards the future or stay in the present. It’s to stupid for me to follow because my own brain just cannot grasp any of that ignorance at all. Ignorance and stupidity of past behaviors and mistakes which would now be nothing I could ever do in the future.

    As far as these voices are concerned. I think almost nothing of this. It has been like this for a long time and I expect it to continue for a very long time.

    This does not mean that I cannot stand up for myself or try to put together pieces of that which I believe to be true. . There is nothing wrong with that .

    I just do not care enough to do anything other than possibly talk to a doctor or go to an online forum to Rant.

    I do not put paranoid pieces together and take any action. I type a post on here and forget about it almost as soon as I posted it. It does not matter to me or anyone else.

    I am ready to get through this and move onto another chapter of my life . This stuff does not really work on me because my life has avoided all of these bad behaviors and memories for a very long time. Even if I do hear something it does not resemble or match up with anything that happened in the past.

    That is about it .. It is stupidity and I am not very moved by that or an illness. I am not doing anything wrong nor have I been doing anything wrong . I have no problem

    When I go through a so called episode . Big deal, I post on a forum and then continue about my business. I might feel uncomfortable or not well for a brief period but it is severely disrupting my peace and the peace of others. People who are well and free need to coordinate and come together.

    My perception of my job and my life is very accurate. I could get away from this illness for a short time if I wanted to, But have no interest in doing so. I am not stupid and I know the content of my own brain and my own character.

    I am neither worried and choose to not be paranoid. That is my choice
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    And as a joke to reality. I seem to have this special enhanced ability to foresee the future and conjure up thoughts of other people. I can predict and feel what people are thinking . I have a paranormal power that is so amazing I just cannot even put it into words. People would be amazed and look at me in awe . Because I know what people are thinking :)
    Davers likes this.
  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It’s also amazing that I am being monitored by a real person. Ya right

    It’s a stupid AI computer that predicts a string of potential thoughts or narratives. It can broadcast a signal over a certain area all at once. It doesn’t know what I am doing inside my house or inside a building. Not now at least
  8. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Now the voices are saying that I can eat blueberry cupcakes and that Thor will help me.
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I really want this **** to pass though. I would like to be able to go to sleep and perhaps just read a book or be able to just lay there without interference. What ever interference might be you can make that connection for yourself.

    I have a few theories.. It took time for my brain to get acclimated to this. Based on conversations that I had and what input I had been investing through the Tv I was slowly taught to hear some kind of buzzing or electronic ticking that would eventually lead to me interpreting all of this as a voice.

    My earliest memory was being in the small bedroom and hearing these voices a few times. After that they decided it would be a good idea to slowly get me paranoid while I was working. Then to experience stuff that I would not fully grasp until much much later. Why would other people need to be effected in a dangerous way that would make Meth use worse than it already was ?

    My brain needed years to recover without any interference. I was not doing anything but doing recreational amounts of drugs and onverbindend awhile hanging out with people who had no morals in regards to drug use and illicit activities. I chose to not be apart of it but now that all this stuff is moot I can assure myself that I am a better person than those that chose to hurt, injure , harm and torment people who are actively trying to seek answers that have nothing to do with any kind of conspiracy.

    I know this might be read out of context but it is actually whatever you want it to be. Perhaps when I talk about a technology trying to hurt me I am only referring to how much trouble I have gone through.

    But I saw what I saw and did things I would never do. It was leading me directly to places that would draw the most amount of negative attention and the least amount of positive support . This is not right or just when a person is actively seeking out a narrative that would be the exact opposite of what you think you know.

    So how long to I deserve to be mentally ill ? Is someone trying to make or have they already made that choice ? Why me ? Am I special ?

    Probably not .. If anything , Compared to a majority of the people that I can just sniff out and get a quick generalization of. I am pretty aware of the differences and the scent of someone who is not very healthy to be around. I avoid these people but will also try my best to ignore them as much as possible. Even if my perception is off I still have the freedom to make opinions by myself. I can do what I want and I am not worried about consequences. Why ? Because it is highly unlikely that it would cause any harm or be anyone else’s concern.

    I can also do what I want on the internet. It’s my choice

    I am not really doing anything different. I am just very sick of being distracted and having pain, discomfort and sickness. It is not so much anxiety producing just very traumatizing.

    I have nerve and muscle pain all over the place and have a difficult time as it is without have my brain processes interrupted.

    I can be as detailed as I choose , delusional as I chose and nothing would change. I am just not that worried. I just would prefer to go through life Un molested.
  10. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Wishing you a great nights sleep & NO Dreams .
  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It’s actually getting a bit funny in a way that helps me with drive and focus. I can hear it cry on about a co worker who is likely scoring drugs and has no common sense. It’s making his life more paranoid. Which is exactly what I would be doing with every addict or suspected user of hard drugs. I can sniff the right ones out. Some are innocent sins are dangerous. I am not dangerous and I am sober
    Davers likes this.
  12. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I have successfully eliminated all routes of paranoia via logic. So I am only bothered by it on an audible level. I can sometimes get pieces of logic from that which might not have come directly to me , I would haven’t be obsessed with the criteria in question to come up with more rational. I just do not need to explain something that much to live and think .
    It felt like something had been trying to irritate me.
    It felt as inviting was trying to test my temper .
    It felt like it was playing with my emotions
    It felt as inviting was preying on each individual human construct and emotion that would make someone completely whole.
    It felt as if it was way to advanced and directed to be anything that would come from own brain.
    They wanted to seem like it was a deteriorating condition but then also one where I could say I was sometimes feeling better. It defied logic in all areas and that is not something my healthy brain is capable of grasping.

    Now years into it. Why do I have to still suffer ? I was not a terrorist making threats , explosives , poisons or anyone that wanted to harm someone . I never raised my fists in anger and I never tried to hurt or abuse anyone sexually or in any manner. I am to nice of a person to come even close to the personality voice that was forced upon me.

    While I had done things and it may have seemed a certain way it was mostly just randomness. With the same life starting with different stimuli they probably would of left me alone and never would of even bothered. I know how it started how it ended and how it seemed. I am not motivated to cease all bad behaviors or change just because of something I am delusional over. I changed because I want a better life for me and for others. It was not a disposition ! Or a predisposition. It was just a bunch of random material that I had soaked up and happened to have landed in the course of my life. This does not make me crazy . Crazy is making someone something they are not or trying to make them think that they are. This will not happen

    While I could grasp the conditions behind a punishment or an attack that would resemble what I have experienced and put out there in the world . It was just random junk that I soaked in and got from other people. Trying to slowly adapt and evolve so I could fit in anywhere. Not just a certain area but all of them and it ended up not working out that well. This was a disadvantage and an advantage but there is no place in my life for some areas in which I have gone mentally to facilitate a multifaceted self.

    I do not like it. It’s not normal and I probably would be just fine with going through this for the remainder of my life but I cannot except that to be true because it makes me feel miserable. I know I am not happy and I might be doing good I am just not that happy with my brain and my body at the moment and this is not changing one bit.

    I would prefer to obsess about nothing at all. I would have so many other dreams , ambitions and feelings that are very mature and very in sync but it’s not that way.

    I get mildly irritated at a co worker but I just cannot muster up enough energy to hear much less think about anything other than work. I know how he is and it is a horrible way to live and I know there is stuff going on that I should not even wonder about. I was distracted today and kind of confronted him on an attitude he had and he looked almost scared to even give me eye contact .
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    But it was not personal and I just kept on working like I would in any exchange. When I do have a temper or try to use my words to intimidate someone it is usually because I chose to reference learned behavior that I picked up from other people when handling difficult situations. It’s not something that I would of normally did . I would of just let it go
  14. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I would prefer keeping my brain in reality so I can just get the things I experience normally . It has been the most difficult thing. It was way easier before because sometimes things are not my business and the world is not even that sinister at all.

    It’s like someone had a bad impression and they think I am gullible. I dislike it and feel used and abused , not directly as far as a feeling but I just cannot care enough about it anymore..

    I need to go off on my own tangent do I can dig into my own little area at work and at home. It’s not working very well right now . I have plenty of experience and I am fine on my own , with a doctor and medicine, plus good health..

    I just think no it’s unfair to judge people by certain indicators. While I would do 100% the same thing I know that people Should put their principles before their own personalities . Visa versa /. I no longer want to be influenced by a voice that takes away rational thoughts and behaviors. I am in Autopilot and while this so called Auto pilot works well enough it is not suitable for much of anything that would give me happieness or meaning .

    And I expect maybe somewhere in a universe where I believe there are forces at work that I might be able to get some grace because of a few internet posts. I almost expect it sometimes

    It’s getting old and I am still sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    My brain does not work in a paranoid way. Unless I want it to. That is how it should be but... This time I will know it almost right away when I am actually experiencing something unhealthy. I can identify these things and place them in front of me , behind me or forget about them.
    Davers likes this.
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    At work wise.

    I think I am getting hours and doing well enough. People are to focused on other things to worry about me. But none the less I will still try to maintain my normal personality. It is holding me back ... From a few logical choices

    I am attempting to rid myself of this crap and work well. So stupid stuff like stocking and putting stuff away will get me fired..

    I need focus.. They are likely to busy and drunk, or not worried about me., If anything I should stand out and be an outcast. But I doubt it . They are accustomed to vvb doing things a certain way and not having someone so bent on rules and being straight.

    But I work. Mind my business. Try to be friendly and stand my ground. If people get pissed I will try to be diplomatic and smooth it over and if that does not work I will drop it right away.

    I will admit that I have had a few obstacles where I get stuck on stupid but I have had enough life experience to just move on. I have learned to make the hard decisions without worry.

    There is just not much to be worry about. If my hours get cut then I am fucking up. But it seems like this week I got more hours than my so called rival . Maybe they will switch us fairly. ??

    I am prepared for all avenues of success and rejection. Accomplishments and failure. It’s life
    Davers likes this.
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I just cannot live a life with delusional thoughts. Thinking I could be a career criminal only for a short time was one big one. It’s just over now and it was way to short.

    The rest of my life I can track almost perfectly as a series of bad choices. But I did make a few good ones. I just did not have the personal experience of being on my own and doing it by myself. I would of failed then but now I am certain I would be ok either right away or eventually. In fact if I was out on my ass another form of survival would kick in where I would become immediately more mature and just take things so casually and simply that it would be instinct.

    I have had zero experience in some parts of life but have been through enough of it to know better. That is all

    I cannot imagine taking any stupid drugs right now . I would **** my self instantly and even if it was weed it would put me back to stupid as quick if not quicker than I was before. I like my real brain state right at this moment but it could be way better.

    So I need to check myself ? Not rely on some condition to baby sit me. That is what I would prefer. I often wonder if I would continue to go about a good path without this stupid crap. I have immediately cut off every bad thought almost as soon as it starts. Nothing is perfect and I know I will still have problems but it is making me a harder person to be around . Probably because of vvb ny own mistakes
    Davers likes this.
  17. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Hey try to use the voices for good ? Or use their dialog against them ?
  18. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Sounds like you are worrying about what 'actual ' people think of you , & now starting not to care anymore ?

    If so that's good , as I worried about what others thought of me up until age 35 ish , then I realized others were more worried about 'Hollywood ' or their issues WAY ! more than me .

    Remember I have Bad OCD & I think my "Voices" & tho they are silent the compulsion to think or worry about dumb stuff is still there.
    Glad yr working things out , hope it keeps up.:cool:
  19. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Another positive post , Way To Go ! I'm feeling better about your situation .
  20. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am very messed up when it comes to how I feel when I wake up. I almost feel like there is a sick demented piece of **** who likes to use a technology against me for his how amusement and pleasure. It’s enough

    If it was me doing this I would of realized a long time ago that I could of talked to the person with humanity and compassion . It would of made a Jude impression and changed stuff for the rest of my life.

    Now I am starting to wake up just so out of it and dismayed. It’s like i am in a trance and all the life got suck out of me.

    I hold no grudges though. I would prefer that this thing leave me alone all together. It’s taking years off my actual life and it’s causing still to this day tremendous amount of pain and suffering. Stuff that is painful on a psychological level that is scaring my brain so deeply it is getting a bit offensive and disgusting . It does not matter what kind of content they sell or spot out I am very aware of what is and is not my own head.

    I need my brain back. Something crazy , painful , new, shocking and horrific is happening every day and all I am trying to do is work and that is about it. Americans are aloud to work without being harassed or bothered.