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Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I use to stay very busy and was satisfied with my life style. Now I am trying hard to keep a routine in place that will occupy me.

    I still currently get strange feeling in my head. Headaches, disorientation, loss of balance sometimes. These seem to come any go in very short spells. At least I am mentally present and with reality . Distractions fade from time to time.
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  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    For awhile I have been seeing non inspired Random images.

    Someone doing push-ups, playing basketball , an American flag etc. Some people have nightmares and horrors and I am very lucky to not have anything resembling that.

    My sex drive was at one time heightened when I was taking Meth amphétamine. Now I would say it is pretty average and I often wonder what it would be like if I was with a woman who was my age. Not in the aspect of romance but as far as having a relationship. I frequently ID people at work and I look at couples that are my age and think about the age difference with my current partner. Even people who are born in the 90’s seem significantly younger than what I thought they would look like.
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  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I even had a very stable home growing up but now that I think about it I have always had no supervision. I always had the freedom to have no responsibilities or burdens. All of this stuff has been difficult for me to finally address and face as an adult. I think I am accepting and coming to find ways of my own. The past is the past, my brain feels like a clean slate. If I feel like taking a nap I will take a nap.

    I am not really worried about much of anything . Maybe I did to much of that in the past ?
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I know I am very in touch with reality but I cannot help but to listen to the senses of what my brain is telling me.

    It appears that I have tremendous amounts of guilt and fear about what I have done in the past. I was almost certainly a person who was not taking life very seriously. Currently I consider this like treating a cancer . Cutting out all the parts and systematically removing certain parts until it never comes back again or I die. A rough analogy but there are some very positive things that I can look forward to and I certainly am not going to dwell or look back on the past.

    I know I am responsible and might be healing. I also know it might take a professional or several of them in my lifetime to treat my current and ongoing condition. I am just not in a position to lose hope.

    I had some disadvantages and I certainly feel like I was also a victim at one point when it comes to the war on drugs.

    I am perfectly fine with my thought process and behaviors. I just need to change my life style.

    I did try to take a nap today and I had a brief encounter with voices ranting in my head. Followed by my brain trying to process a visual image of people being around me to hold me prisoner. It is not scary just something that is concerning.

    We cannot worry all the time.. We cannot constantly see doctors every single day.

    It is healthy to have regrets, remorse and go through a healing process.

    I think mine is starting . I feel I could of finished this a long time ago.
  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I also admit whole heartedly that there is a belief at the back of my head that these voices are coming from an outside source.

    Using logic I assumed I was being punished for passed misdeeds such as break laws. This is something that was undoubtably a true story at one time but no longer happens. I did decide to make a conscious decision to commit a felony a month ago when I relapsed on meth, luckily I have such contempt and hate for the stuff it was a wake up call.

    I also do not blame myself.. We had neighbors move in several years ago whom offered me a drug I was not that familiar with. I refused taking it the first 2 times but decided to give it a try. All this did was remind me of how 1 person can absolutely wreck and ruin another persons life because of the selfishness choices they make . Selling drugs or illegal substances ruins families, the economy, our health care, supports crime, terrorism and puts American lives in danger. Push cons to shove I would absolutely not tolerate anyone acting in a way that was anywhere near what my behavior resembled. As a new person I would break that old convict way of thinking and actually do my duty and try to resemble someone who deserves freedom.

    I know of 2 people who have died that could of been avoided a long time ago. Both where suicides and on both people I had actually tried to help them get away from the stuff and also give good advice. In my absence one of my friends took his life.

    I met him on Craig’s list and we had become friends and to this day I feel guilty about how my actions could of effected another person. Not just one person though but a whole entire family. I ended up meeting them for dinner many years back to explain to them what their son had been doing and also to give some closure on some of the details.

    When I started using meth.. All judgment completely goes out the window.

    I am not only motivated by fear but I am also motivated by something higher. I generally wish other people well and I think I would be a very obvious choice to use my past decisions to help other people learn a lesson quicker.

    One day soon I might have to Summarize all of this to someone. I believe I am making the right choice. I had a burning itch to put a journal of information on the internet/forum. At least it hardly resembles me condoning or trying to preach crappy harm reduction. Instead it would be better to go with a no tolerance path. I know for now I am forever put in my place and maybe I will continue to try to see my curse as a blessing.

    It has given me a certain amount of peace at times. Knowing that I do not have to do things or act in ways that I know are not outside of myself.

    It’s almost as if I have thé old testament version of gods wrath. It’s nit exactly hostile but in context to tell me what the hell i was doing.

    I will need to earn every bit of peace that I can get. Maybe me being out of the picture and focusing on myself and then the people around me is the appropriate way to go.

    I know I have to much time on my hands right now. I will have a better opportunity to fill my life with more things other than the internet and sitting around in the future. Especially this summer when I am so busy all I have time for is work, work , eating and sleeping. Maybe 2 hours of TV every day. An hour at the gym before and or after work.

    There is not a temporary fix for what my problem was in life. It was me and my inability to see past my own self.
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  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    At least my head is working appropriately and at a decent capacity. Cognitive abilities and stability is sharp and I can process most of the thoughts I have through the day almost instantly. There is nothing unhealthy going on up there at all besides my current illness. This is certainly a change from even last month.

    Maybe I needed a outlet other than a person to stimulate other areas of thinking. Rational thoughts and trying to convey what feelings and emotions I have for the sole purpose of future reflection is probably not a bad thing. I just do not want to go overboard with all of this.

    To far and to fast is often a bad thing. I tend to take things to a point where I make it a main focus ( in the past ) Now I can almost multi task. Once I start adding new things to my life perhaps I will feel more sure of myself. With a little bit of studying and maybe tons of luck and support maybe I will focus on something intellectually stimulating academic or vocational . It is to early to tell ?

    At one time I was very focused on my skills and art. I had more customers for my business and started to put items for same at our local dahl fine arts center. Maybe I will do this and something different.

    Maybe even go to a support meeting of some sort that has nothing to do with addiction but something I can relate to.
  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Subvocal Speech or my inner voice:

    Last year in an attempt to learn Spanish I was trying very hard to memorize a short list of words. This was almost impossible and even listening to audio books containing similar if not identical content produced the same results.

    At one point in my life in my early twenties I could pick up a book and memorize scripture . Literally a whole page in 2-3 different translations word for word.

    Next time I visit my local library I intend in getting some texts on various topics along with note cards. My plan is using some memorization techniques to hopefully silent some of this internal push and pull.

    It’s almost like my brain want to finish sentences that it says or it wants to finish even sentences on television ( especially when I am sleepy )

    Often while drifting off I will hear a voice or something trying to grab my attention. It’s usually only one word but I never usually catch it while drifting off. I am sure there is some sort of word or description to place my experience into a clinical term.
  8. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    And so I can highlight and print stuff out on a few points of side affects I can address.
    They occur when laying down or trying to take a nap. Especially in a dark room.

    Closed-eye hallucinations and closed-eye visualizations (CEV) are a distinct class of hallucination. These types of hallucinations generally only occur when one's eyes are closed or when one is in a darkened room. They can be a form of phosphene.
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    The more I sit here and ponder on things I am coming more to the conclusion that the brain is very powerful and can come up with all manners of things that can afflict a person.

    I am going to remain as strong as possible but I also have some strong beliefs in God and the Paranormal. Things which man cannot explain but often expect as true or religious.

    Hopefully I can remain positive because I have a very hard time having a happy life and experiencing things that some people take for granted.

    Still waiting for that moment of peace where I can reflect on nothing more than no worries , thought or problems unless they are edifying or positive . So far in my experience everything that vaguely comes out of my head has the potential to distract me or get my attention. It also has more of a possibility towards leaning towards problems instead of encouragement. Hopefully this changes or it is for a purpose .

    I think I got to sick and tired of being sick and tired. The moment a very good chance comes up it seems to fall through my grasp as something attainable. Uncertainty and paranoia is not keeping me from being anyone but the person I would prefer to be anyways.
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2020
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  10. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I have been having increasingly very unpleasant dreams . Something that I have never had in my entire life.

    Having a white powdery substance in a backpack and running from the CIA while hearing a voice that is very persistant. Then being up in a bunch of trees swaysing from top to top before being swung out of it so quickly that I was plummeting towards a brick building. I was gasping for air when I woke up.

    I never have any of these thoughts or rubish in my head through a whole year period. If I hardly even know about that kind of stuff how can I even have a dream about something that I have no connection with , think about nor would I ever have any personal connection to. Plus why would a dream surface years later after having almost nothing to do with anything even relating to that subject matter.

    It’s bad being held prisoner while awake but also while sleeping ?

    It makes it harder to accept that my subconscious is responsible for thoughts like this when I know my own brain and how it thinks on a very deep level. This includes grammar, imagery, and any thing connected to my life.

    Normally I can completely disconnect from any and all things bad.
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  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Nothing was to loud after go back to sleep. It was about the opposite .

    I had a dream of cars going off a cliff where I had to kind of moon walk down to the area and pull out people and little kids.

    After that it was Super Mario Brothers and a person talking in the background about taking a trip to various places to explore and collect various items from each location.

    Another dream I had was of me sitting in a classroom trying to study. They where serving some kind of margarita drinks inside . I did not have one since I do not work there.

    Even with all of this nonsense going on in my life it makes life very difficult to concentrate on. My brain and body needs to go through a very long period of healing.

    I honestly feel like I was mistaken for someone who has a problem controlling their activities. Maybe this is just my guilt but since I have always openly searched for and looked up whatever interesting thing I thought about , saw on Tv or that was on top of the search engine qui ries . I have no interest in the activities but I was just in the wrong situation at the wrong time. Since my brain is not very subjective and I do not give excuses for any kind of behavior I probably know exactly what I liked looking for. Anything that I experienced as a early teen from 16-18 and anything from my you adult years from 18 to getting out of prison.

    Since it feels like I am starting off with a clean slate brain I have been trying to not show much of an Interest in anything but my own well being.

    I no longer have any guilt about the past. I had already made amends and I have also personally gone through to much trauma in my life to even consider having any more self sabotaging effort to back step.

    If I can hardly smoke a few puffs of a cigarette or break any local traffic laws then I probably will be perfectly fine. Questioning my sanity is something that I have no interest in doing . I always seem to be very present but I am very sick of being unable to feel better and get my life back on track. Especially when o have made every effort to do all that I can to not be anything more than myself ( Non Adulterated )
  12. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Eventually I plan on posting my story and experience exactly how I recollected and experienced it. I will dedicate a certain amount of time and attention into keeping things both as sane as possible and also as logical as possible. For those whom have gone through similar afflictions I would probably be able to give some very good advice in the form of my own forum.

    In my past condition the best advice I would give is to seek mental health help from a qualified professional. Stay away from submarines , scuba diving and deep under ground mine Shafts .

    Accepting what is inevitable and what is actual reality is important. Giving people a chance to have their side of the story along with proper guidance and advice is good for the human condition. Generally people will seek understanding and will never try to except the hand they have been dealt. To the best of my knowledge it is a very free country and are we not allowed to have beliefs and free speech as long as it does not affect or disrupt the freedom or liberties of other people ?
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I know I already had an impairment as far as brain chemistry which I was learning deal with. With my current condition it does not make me unreliable , unpredictable , or unrealistic. I can think of possible future outcomes prior to making a choice and I know how a certain behavior will effect not only myself but other people.

    It is not ideal to have a head that is permanently occupied as if it was in a constant state of war. The result has been so far a positive thorn in my flesh but it is starting to take a toll on me as far as experiencing a certain amount of enthusiasm or levity . I try not to let it define me as a person and I am certainly not going to fit into any cookie cutter shape that any professional diagnosis me with.

    I am who I am and I can be whomever I want.
  14. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Plus i will never let a disability define me as much as it has in the past. Between my ability and my disability no one would ever look at me or define me as disabled. Why would I even feel like that ?

    If I ever suspected a work where it was cruel enough to intentionally want someone or endorse the inhumaine treatment of human being I think my view of humanity would change. Especially if I knew it for certain.

    I think of absolutely nothing at all unless it relates to my life and reality . But to those few people suffering from a form of mass hysteria I can only imagine how much trouble they have gone through. My brain tells me to survive and to keep on trying to do the best I can in life and the voice that seems at the back of not outside of my head wants me to dwell on things that are insignificant. Impairment indeed
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Stop calling it mental illness and call it brain health issues.

    Use the least toxic medications to treat your symptoms.

    Medication should never be the only thing that you do. Focus on skill

    Magnesium, Choline, Potasium , Omega 3’s, GABA , and Huperazine.

    My body certainly feels like it is riddled with pain.

    One big thing in my life that I do not have as a tool is meditation. I never have negative thoughts but constant non stop ranting that is very negative.
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Psychodynamic therapy focuses on how life events, desires, and past and current relationships affect your feelings and the choices you make.

    Currently I have an agenda to make and orcencourage other people around me to be healthier. This helps improve my odds as well.

    I was able to start today by giving my father a recommendation for a doctor instead of my old choice of swapping medications or sharing with him. Yes it crossed my mind because I know how painful it is to not have those things when you need them. But I have seen people effected by diverted prescriptions and in the long run ... It is way better. I can probably list many reasons why this is bad.

    Increasing success also means making more attempts at telling people around you what is happening. I did this today as well. As far as seeing a doctor to help manage my issues my closest appointment is May 5th. Another thing I have noticed and is encouraging to not make unhealthy choices is the current state of resources for people who need mental health help. They are limited
  17. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I barely even remembered this but I remember over a year ago waking up and being on the floor a few times. Maybe I was sleep walking ? I also remember having my feet swell up so bad that I could hardly walk.

    I have done enough damage to my brain and my body. Why try to blame it on someone else except my own past behavior. I can only hope that in my new outlook that I regain control of my life.

    I was just recently watching a movie and it reminded me of my mortality and also other people. We might care now but I doubt we care that much when we are dead.

    I for one really want to live and have a new chapter in my life. Maybe even perhaps be remembered by new people who know me by something other than a loser scum bag. At least I have some purpose and a companion whom tries to make me happy.
  18. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I do not need anymore medical expenses or setbacks. I would hate to lose my job and also more time.

    I would pay anything to get better. I already had a head scan at the peak of my illness. I would really hate to invest more of my hard earned money into paranoia.

    I am saving for a stable healthy future. Not drugs Or shenanigans
  19. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Possibly the biggest problem I will have is overcoming my shortcomings and investing my time and effort into learning something other than topics such as drug use and culture. As I turn 35 here in the next week my outlook will be so much different it is absolutely insane how many facets that I should probably let go of as far as being to obsessed about. I am trying to change by changing all of the past stimuli that effected me and others. I had nothing to gain from all of this.
    Nothing that no one would ever respect me for .

    I was told by a therapist not to be hard on myself several months ago. This is something I will do but I also need to take things seriously.

    I would rather not meddle in trivial things like what would of happened and what will happen. I certainly do not think in terms of getting information out of the sky. Most of it is lies and for my purposes serves no direct benefit.
  20. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Who knows what kind of damage I really have. I know I am trying to heal from my injuries and mistakes. I also know o do not deserve this .
    I certainly would not wish it on anyone.

    Last night and early this morning several hours ago it felt like I had a microwave hit me right inside the eyes and in the middle of the forehead.

    Having a life like this would be miserable and very horrifying to look forward to.

    I am trying to reduce my medication and I am having these very painful episodes that sometimes linger around and have effects for several days to weeks.