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Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I’m awake !!!

    So now what ? A parade ? A bearing doing a kart wheel ? A hampster snorting meth ?

    I will tell you what , If you need to absolutely know if something is true I will answer using lip ques .
  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I care enough to post on here. I am in control of pretty much every aspect of my life and if not then it is something that will only make me stronger and have more resolve .

    My internal clock is starting to work again. I use to be able to get up at the same time every single day exactly on the dot without an alarm clock. 5:55 am. No matter what day it was or if I had to work.

    If this was not here and I could go work someplace else then I would go find additional employment. It’s necesssry that I have my head.

    I can hear the internal dialogue when I sleep and it is annoying. No more getting positivity via dreams. Pizza , Brick oven , blah blah ...
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Then crushing my laser engraver. Why would you say that. ? Stealing bottles of booze ? People stealing from our store ? Syringes and other people doing drugs. It’s not even something that is inspired by my own brain. It’s over with a very long time ago so why would I have any issues that even relate ? It’s hindering me from progressing in healthy and natural ways. Even if I did relapse why would it harm anyone ? I don’t get it and I am not trying to find meaning in anything

    The stuff it talks about is so directed and vague . It’s not even annoying it is just mentally retarded. I think I can survive without this. A person does not need problems to focus on just to be safe and normal. I need clarity and I would of done better in my own learning my own lessons. Most jobs I can get into and get a promotion at, set an example of someone who is capable and willing to go further than most . If people have a problem with me it is my experience that they are jealous or something that does not matter to much to myself. It’s my personality and I could care less. I could always find something else to set me apart from nearly everyone and it would not be that hard. How many pieces do I have to order to fix this problem ? Is it unfixable ?
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Today was more pleasant than some but last night was bad. Things seem allot more silent as far as voices and disturbances. I’d prefer it like this and know that it could definitely get better.

    Life is to short to be meddling in this forum and listening to a ranting voice. I can hardly stand to think about wasting most of my life working sometimes but that is how things are. I would of liked and preferred to just automatically have wealth. Being able to kind of do what you want and having a reason to explore something else without being worried about the confines of money and the future.

    I need both my body and brain to work together so I can get life straight so I can focus on important things . Who knows what they will be but it will not resemble the past. I’d like the opportunity to be Old and experience life as it was meant to be experienced.


    I know exactly how I think and I need to be rational all the time . It’s not hard and it does not hurt me or costs anything . If anything it makes things easier.

    I think I can work with and around certain people by using some tactics to please others. I might worry about stupid stuff like my boss being not very involved
  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I can feel more of my acutely body and my thoughts are fairly clear. It’s like a fire burning like sensation . I prefer to be present and with my body and not up in my head. I do enjoy looking random things up and my no means do I intend to do anything illegal. I will obviously randomly come to certain topics and situations where I will make a connection to the past but I can easily dismiss it as unhealthy or not proper. In the meantime I need to avoid sunlight as I am sensitive for the sake of my nerves.


    Hopefully this goes away or it starts healing . Inflammation has even gone down.

    I would rather forget about the paranoiac crap and move on with life. I would also like to explain this and talk to another person.

    I am not thinking about being persecuted I just feel differently from time to time.
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I think I could always make people Leary of me in regards to drug topics if I talk them I will call the cops or take someone down because of some reason for me hating drugs. Maybe because I had a relative , friend or bad experience. That would send people a message to stay away unless they intend to leave me out of it.


    I have good ideas sometimes and I like to think about sayings and principles to follow. Getting them stuck in my head is the biggest problem but I will temper this one.

    If you are worried about me snitching you out then you are probably doing something wrong. More or less that is about the truth
  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I know exactly what really scares me as far as a story that will get a very strong emotional reaction. Thinking about 2 people who are so lost that they will probably die or end up in prison very shortly if not right now. There is no prospect of hope and I was exactly the same way. So I am not worried about getting into trouble or doing something unhealthy I am worried about being complacent with some stupid activity that leads to another one and another one and finally it goes to crap . It starts somewhere

    But thinking about these old friends getting arrested with such fear and emotion of not only them but the people that are hell bent on getting them off the street is very startling.

    I would rather see it from someone else’s perspective and no matter how much reading I do I can never get my head into that area . Drug wise as far as being an addict and endorsing bad behavior that is not sane.

    I probably would not want to think about it that much but maybe it would help to try to see how crazy the police or authorities are when they are going after people who have nothing else to do but just exist and be miserable.
  8. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Yesterday and Today seem mellow and I do not need to think that much about voices. I was able to block some of the nonsense out this morning but it was still irritating. I hope this Summer I am tired enough to just sleep without disruption. I am a very light sleeper and dislike noise and light. My brain and body is getting accustomed to having 5-6 hours.

    I hear paranoia more than I feel it. I can tell when paranoia hits because it causes a nervous / anxiety reaction that is strong. Taking less medications often helps with everything. If it was not for these voices I could have a healthy level of worry. I am still distracted and distant in regards to what is actually going on . This will not change

    I am pretty sure that there will be another time event where I feel that no progress is made and the voices get louder and scary. They have caused way to much destruction and problems as far as getting back to a normal healthy human life.

    There is a big difference between me and some of the criminals / people in prison I knew. I always had other options and I also had experience to do other things . I also have enough intelligence to just hop into an activity and learn or get things finished without that much prior knowledge. I’d prefer a blow by blow list but sometimes , often you do not get that at all.

    I am happy to be working and like my job . I would prefer to tell my manager what is happening as far as what I want her to tell me verbally and also my intentions. I might get **** hours in the Summer time but in the winter I will try to get a job someplace else . It would work out fine likely if I had seniority and knew people . If I also lived closer they could use my skills more.

    I will not be paranoid or occupied by someone else
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Yesterday and Today seem mellow and I do not need to think that much about voices. I was able to block some of the nonsense out this morning but it was still irritating. I hope this Summer I am tired enough to just sleep without disruption. I am a very light sleeper and dislike noise and light. My brain and body is getting accustomed to having 5-6 hours.

    I hear paranoia more than I feel it. I can tell when paranoia hits because it causes a nervous / anxiety reaction that is strong. Taking less medications often helps with everything. If it was not for these voices I could have a healthy level of worry. I am still distracted and distant in regards to what is actually going on . This will not change

    I am pretty sure that there will be another time event where I feel that no progress is made and the voices get louder and scary. They have caused way to much destruction and problems as far as getting back to a normal healthy human life.

    There is a big difference between me and some of the criminals / people in prison I knew. I always had other options and I also had experience to do other things . I also have enough intelligence to just hop into an activity and learn or get things finished without that much prior knowledge. I’d prefer a blow by blow list but sometimes , often you do not get that at all.

    I am happy to be working and like my job . I would prefer to tell my manager what is happening as far as what I want her to tell me verbally and also my intentions. I might get **** hours in the Summer time but in the winter I will try to get a job someplace else . It would work out fine likely if I had seniority and knew people . If I also lived closer they could use my skills more.

    I will not be paranoid or occupied by someone else.

    Perhaps at work I am better off sometimes not talking to people. But people need to get an impression of your personality before they make a prediction of who you are.
  10. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    She was very intimidated by his huge flaccid wiener.

    Yesterday and Today seem mellow and I do not need to think that much about voices. I was able to block some of the nonsense out this morning but it was still irritating. I hope this Summer I am tired enough to just sleep without disruption. I am a very light sleeper and dislike noise and light. My brain and body is getting accustomed to having 5-6 hours.

    I hear paranoia more than I feel it. I can tell when paranoia hits because it causes a nervous / anxiety reaction that is strong. Taking less medications often helps with everything. If it was not for these voices I could have a healthy level of worry. I am still distracted and distant in regards to what is actually going on . This will not change

    I am pretty sure that there will be another time event where I feel that no progress is made and the voices get louder and scary. They have caused way to much destruction and problems as far as getting back to a normal healthy human life.

    There is a big difference between me and some of the criminals / people in prison I knew. I always had other options and I also had experience to do other things . I also have enough intelligence to just hop into an activity and learn or get things finished without that much prior knowledge. I’d prefer a blow by blow list but sometimes , often you do not get that at all.

    I am happy to be working and like my job . I would prefer to tell my manager what is happening as far as what I want her to tell me verbally and also my intentions. I might get **** hours in the Summer time but in the winter I will try to get a job someplace else . It would work out fine likely if I had seniority and knew people . If I also lived closer they could use my skills more.

    I will not be paranoid or occupied by someone else.

    Perhaps at work I am better off sometimes not talking to people. But people need to get an impression of your personality before they make a prediction of w
  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My brain is far from working how it should work. These voices being the number one source of all my problems and deficits. I have tried bringing it up to people and have gotten medications that would definitely help a person if they needed it. I have also gotten a psychiatrist in the area whom has connections to places and people who would help me if I ever needed it. I am hoping this is just a lesson because my head cannot stand feeling like it is desensitized all the time. I could actually stand it but it is messing my whole life up as far as getting all of the things that go together that create a human experience.

    Life is allot more than work and coming home. And work and coming home entail more than just sitting there or working very hard trying to not only secure my current positions but to make it as easy as possible by being diligent.


    While I am not surprised nor do I have that many questions I just need that sense of peace and quiet back. At the end of the day it’s almost as if I am not even there and all I am inside and out is a voice that is going on and on and will not stop. I cannot explain it but could give someone a good summary. The content is not very important but the voices are just horrible. If I found a cure it would of happened by now. I am probably pretty delusional to think that one day this will be over with and I can get back to life. My so called delusional belief and what my head is going through does not matter. What matters to me is being able to enjoy life and so far I gat no to little pleasure out of things a normal person would. A voice is distracting
  12. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My brain is far from working how it should work. These voices being the number one source of all my problems and deficits. I have tried bringing it up to people and have gotten medications that would definitely help a person if they needed it. I have also gotten a psychiatrist in the area whom has connections to places and people who would help me if I ever needed it. I am hoping this is just a lesson because my head cannot stand feeling like it is desensitized all the time. I could actually stand it but it is messing my whole life up as far as getting all of the things that go together that create a human experience.

    Life is allot more than work and coming home. And work and coming home entail more than just sitting there or working very hard trying to not only secure my current positions but to make it as easy as possible by being diligent.


    While I am not surprised nor do I have that many questions I just need that sense of peace and quiet back. At the end of the day it’s almost as if I am not even there and all I am inside and out is a voice that is going on and on and will not stop. I cannot explain it but could give someone a good summary. The content is not very important but the voices are just horrible. If I found a cure it would of happened by now. I am probably pretty delusional to think that one day this will be over with and I can get back to life. My so called delusional belief and what my head is going through does not matter. What matters to me is being able to enjoy life and so far I gat no to little pleasure out of things a normal person would. A voice is distracting
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My brain is far from working how it should work. These voices being the number one source of all my problems and deficits. I have tried bringing it up to people and have gotten medications that would definitely help a person if they needed it. I have also gotten a psychiatrist in the area whom has connections to places and people who would help me if I ever needed it. I am hoping this is just a lesson because my head cannot stand feeling like it is desensitized all the time. I could actually stand it but it is messing my whole life up as far as getting all of the things that go together that create a human experience.

    Life is allot more than work and coming home. And work and coming home entail more than just sitting there or working very hard trying to not only secure my current positions but to make it as easy as possible by being diligent.


    While I am not surprised nor do I have that many questions I just need that sense of peace and quiet back. At the end of the day it’s almost as if I am not even there and all I am inside and out is a voice that is going on and on and will not stop. I cannot explain it but could give someone a good summary. The content is not very important but the voices are just horrible. If I found a cure it would of happened by now. I am probably pretty delusional to think that one day this will be over with and I can get back to life. My so called delusional belief and what my head is going through does not matter. What matters to me is being able to enjoy life and so far I gat no to little pleasure out of things a normal person would. A voice is distracting
  14. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I been away for a couple days , ill scan your posts ,to get how you are fairing as of late , i'm having computer issues but I wish you a great day .
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I feel pretty stupid for making this harder on myself than it actually has been. If I was careful enough to look at what was happening and how things actually where then I would of had allot better at identifying issues and solving problems. Regardless of how fast I identify my current problems I am starting to recognized how important it is to have my head free as clear of shitty perceptions.

    I know my para boos levels and how I effect the real world. I often will use other people as and example of how rational I am and how I behave. This is not an issue it is a method that ibises that is perfectly healthy and acceptable. Being able to see the same stuff in peers or coworkers is important. So is how others perceive me might not actually be how I think others perceive me. I am just not that good at it and prefer to look at myself with a image that is fairly good.

    The world is not as sinister as I thought it was . I had allot of experiences in life that shaped my personality and I am lucky thatcher was not any more than what I already had as far as negativity and being around irresponsible people who could work hard and party harder.

    I can see paranoia and behavioral problems in others and it is not that important but I like to make sure that everything upstairs is working properly. I do not want to have an inflated ego or be vien but it makes my day easier if I get to drift off a bit in my head and think of myself as doing a better job. If I just think I am doing a shitty job then I would be allot better at doing everything perfectly but perhaps I am just to worried about my overall job performance. It’s something that I was raised with because I grew up around parents who had employees and also had to go around personalities. While they may have maintained friendships or sometimes even had relationships with some of them I have learned that it almost never works out very well if you start hanging out and being friends with all of your co workers. Jon first and job last , Beyond that then it is my business.


    I am getting very sick and tired of not feeling normal I’m the sense that I know I should not have a screeching noise in my head. I also know that I should not feel a certain way when I go to sleep. My head does not focus on paranoid thoughts it will automatically jump to the most rational and logical input that it can have before making a final decision. Sometimes that takes awhile if a person just has to know stuff.


    I feel like I could go along way if I just had some of my own perceptions back. I needed at first a crap ton of help but now certain things are popping out

    People do not think about me as nearly as much as I think about them. My only big worry is my feeling inkt body as far as what is going on. My body feels a bit numb and disconnected and even using the bathroom is kind of weird. It almost feels like stuff just swells and tenses you at certain times. I also Remember feeling as if my cats where some times course feeling and then their hair would all of a sudden feel very soft. It was never like this is the past.

    I had to much focus on drugs. I do not go towards conflict on purpose. I will try to avoid people who are acting in a way that defies logic . Now I am starting to change that and I am not sure if it is good or bad. At one time I would type something that was not apart of my behavior as if it would make people think differently. It makes it harder on others if mentally ill people talk , behave and act in a certain way that gives them way to much attention. Today the whole day was not about me but I am starting to think in ways that involve others. I still like to get up in my head and get a bit delusional when I work but I am aware of it. I also would do a similar thing when day dreaming but I was aware that it was not rational , real or close to the truth. I would often pass time thinking I was a famous singer or influential person . It just helped the day and work go faster. I know the difference.

    So now I have to sit here and try to think through all this stupid noise. Most of my day was irrelevant but I am concerned that I might be missing something, which I am. I just need a bit of peace .


    So what I took out of the day originally was . Yes, That co worker named Paul resembles a person who has done way to Kent drugs in their life and to think I was responsible is scary and sickening.

    I am getting and starting to recognize more periods of empathy. I am also immediately recognizing my motives as far as , Sometimes I say stuff and catch myself right afterwards. I had to stoop to someone’s level . It was not good .. It was childish . But it was not nearly as bad as the persons overall behavior in question. He just makes me uneasy is all, it gets under my skin and it brings other people into the chaos . To think I was doing the same thing is absolutely horrible. My old job would never hired me back with the new way I thought of myself. It was horrifyingly disturbing and I can recognize this stuff now frictie first time in my life ?


    What about the other things I might miss. ? I messed up in the sense that I need to pay attention to others and now have a bigger problem with all this background noise in my head . I am a nice person and I usually was maybe a bit selfish but I was also generous at one time. I am starting to see me care or think about people in a way that turns on an emotional response. It’s just been a difficult few years.
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My brain is far from working how it should work. These voices being the number one source of all my problems and deficits. I have tried bringing it up to people and have gotten medications that would definitely help a person if they needed it. I have also gotten a psychiatrist in the area whom has connections to places and people who would help me if I ever needed it. I am hoping this is just a lesson because my head cannot stand feeling like it is desensitized all the time. I could actually stand it but it is messing my whole life up as far as getting all of the things that go together that create a human experience.

    Life is allot more than work and coming home. And work and coming home entail more than just sitting there or working very hard trying to not only secure my current positions but to make it as easy as possible by being diligent.


    While I am not surprised nor do I have that many questions I just need that sense of peace and quiet back. At the end of the day it’s almost as if I am not even there and all I am inside and out is a voice that is going on and on and will not stop. I cannot explain it but could give someone a good summary. The content is not very important but the voices are just horrible. If I found a cure it would of happened by now. I am probably pretty delusional to think that one day this will be over with and I can get back to life. My so called delusional belief and what my head is going through does not matter. What matters to me is being able to enjoy life and so far I gat no to little pleasure out of things a normal person would. A voice is distracting.

    But I can be and think however I want. Believe it or not maybe I am more critical of myself and being mentally ill because I refuse to go back and have the same experiences again . This actually applies to most of the bad things in life.

    I have repeated mistakes over and over again but I have the ability to stop whenever I felt like it. It was not anything that was in my head because I had already factored in the risk, reward but did not factor anything else in. With drugs it was always **** it I am on them anyways and they will likely or have already caught up to me. With other crimes of opportunity it was just something that I thought would make me look better.

    This could worker thinks or acts like I once did . He talk about ir acts like he is rehearsing a conversation with a physical person . A soon as I walk past him he will spit out a few random words that make no sense. It just makes him look like an idiot.


    Usually when I go through crap like this I learn a hard and long lesson. At least I will not be returning to old behaviors but instead moving forward. It’s going slower than usual and it’s more painful . As if extended pain and experience makes things seem worse or better .
  17. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It does not matter what I say on here to make it better but I do not want to live a lie. I want to know for sure if something happened or not and it might not make a difference to anyone else but me but I should have the opportunity to make a request that this wit abruptly at my choosing. Taking away a persons entire life along with their beliefs is more damage than that which is done to any prisoners. Even they get treated with a certain amount of dignity and respect .
  18. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am getting pretty sick of the dreams that are not much more than a confusing dizzy torturous time and the fact that I am already experiencing pain and have to have extra pain and discomfort on top of that. I have pretty good clarity and my whole life has been fairly healthy considering the fact that I have gone through addiction. Last night , I do not see how it would scare me or even help anyone out at all. But I have these recollections of someone wanting to talk in my ear . I could almost narrate everything back almost as clearly as it happens in real life. A miserable life is not going to happen with me . They would be better off just leaving me alone and allowing natural courses to take place.

    I could care less what happens because it’s not that important as far as how I go through my day to day activities but it is hindering me from having the freedom to care for myself , get adequate medical attention and have a life that is free and void of conflict. If I want to seek out peace and prosperity then I Should be able to do that all by myself. I was only ever accused and convicted of being a drug addict and that part of my life has been long since over with. I had a few moments where I relapsed and I believe it was a direct decision but it was the same as most diseases that go into remission.

    I know what I did and I know exactly what I should of avoided all together and it no longer bothers me because there is not and will not ever be a person that will hardly rennet me as a drug addict or criminal but rather as a person. I am not going to have a voice in my head that tries to convince me that I am any less than any other person out there.

    I can also feel just like any other human and I am not that thrilled about how my own body health is and how my brain works. I need it to be 100% silent so I can go about my own ways of trying to navigate through life . I would have to be 1 special person to even think I could get the amount of attention that requires non stop torment. Something that no human could ever be happy with or experience without severe problems. It’s unjust, wrong and completely non justified.

    My personality is perfectly fine and if I ever feel the urge to make adjustments then I will. I would of probably had more things in my current life working to my advantage than hindering me from having prosperity and the peace that goes along with just living and being happy.

    I was so messed up being jolted out of bed last night that I almost sleep walk. Once I snap out of it I feel very confused and always recall exactly what happened. I eat and go back to bed but they have been doing this for so long how can they justify doing that to a person who know that they lose coordination and is stumbling around. It’s because I need sleep that is not molested.

    So I understand how all of this could look like a delusion and when I type I am not exactly thinking about the words I am using to imply real depth or feeling. I can just type what I want when I want and it does not really matter to anyone at all. Not even hardly myself ..

    If someone knew that a person was experiencing pain and psychological discomfort would you continue to lean on them and continue to mess with their whole perception. I need to have all of my head back and even when it is left alone what I ring with it ? Nothing at all .. I adjusted all the things that where wrong and this time I actually applied all of that psychology, morals and beliefs.

    I do not need a voice in my head at all to live life. I reject its ongoing presence and I know I am unique in terms of who has experienced the same thing. Being singled out and treated not as a human but as a plat toy is unsettling. Why harm a human being at all ? Even I noticed behavior that was subtitle and I will not even try to provoke or irritate people as I navigate every day normal life.

    It will never make sense to me and I will always want it gone. I do not want to be paranoid and even if I was it would not be dangerous. If I was paranoid and it was only my issue i would prefer to adjust certain things as I learn to communicate and be around certain life events that defines a person. Their ability to learn, evolve and remember what is going on..

    Having my brain messed with has significant problems to my own health and no person out there would ever do that to a person. The brain was not designed or intended to have a voice inside of it and there is no rational reason for me to have mental illness. I should even be doing better than my own dad in terms of how much peace he gets. I also have yet to meet a person who hardly gets a few voices in their heads not non stop voices that just focus on strife and things that are not happy or pleasant.
  19. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Did you take a luxury vacation cruise ?
    Davers likes this.
  20. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I been away for a couple days , ill scan your posts ,to get how you are fairing as of late , i'm having computer issues but I wish you a great day .
    Yea Man!
    I cruise'd right around my local area in the car & stayed away from the lap-top.
    But
    That's a Va-K for me. LOL