An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the DrugAbuse.com Forums?Join or

Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I slept very well last not and tried very , very , very hard to maintain a positive demeanor and an attitude. If this would quit buzzing my ears and head I would definitely be more mature as far as doing what I needed to do to have all of my own responsibilities in place.


    I would probably go to the gym and try to exercise my body.


    My mind is occupied enough on its own and I really need some more silence so I can start developing a personality that will benefit me.


    If I was in a situation where I was healthier I would deginrtjuvyhonk about not only my health but my future. I would likely seek out additional forms of employment in another state for a few months just to make sure u have a job and also other options.

    It would be nice to spend some alone time by myself in another area. Work hard in a state that has tourism during the fall and stay in a tent. I could definitely find something that would suite my needs better when it comes to my overall life. I need new experiences and I would prefer to do it on my own and or investigate how I can manage alone.

    I hate being in a position where someone else is not looking after their own health or morals. Having someone that even drinks until 3-4 am once in awhile is enough for me to think about not being apart of their lives because it’s disrupting and does not line up with where I would like to be in life.

    The voices are probably the most destructive force I have ever witnessed and they are taking so much energy and intelligence away from how I use to be that I feel like a broken person that is capable of getting glimpses of going forward.



    Things are ok right now but they are far from normal.
  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My perception is changing in terms of how I think and respond to other people . Currently it is more inward than outward because I had not really analyzed any variables when considering the thoughts , emotions and actions of others. Also these same sets of variables and how they work along with me, other people and their own feelings and behaviors which will obviously not be focused on me.

    So stuff is different any perhaps it’s getting pounded into my head naturally as a defense after drug use Trauma.
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My perception is changing in terms of how I think and respond to other people . Currently it is more inward than outward because I had not really analyzed any variables when considering the thoughts , emotions and actions of others. Also these same sets of variables and how they work along with me, other people and their own feelings and behaviors which will obviously not be focused on me.

    So stuff is different any perhaps it’s getting pounded into my head naturally as a defense after drug use Trauma.


    So I do get a very high level of confidence and also a big distraction when I am satisfied that I know something others might not. Such as being smarter but, As and adult it is less appealing when it comes to be displaying that towards others and having them feel something as a result.


    It’s important for me to have as much information as possible and I think distractions are good sometimes but I need to Go towards an avenue or event that can feed what I need or let me know if it is garbage muff cabbage .
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Anyways, one time I was popular in a big way as I was hitting 18. I watched some people morder someone and dispose of the body. They had marked the burial site with a granite stone that I keep for good luck
  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Anyways, one time I was popular in a big way as I was hitting 18. I watched some people morder someone and dispose of the body. They had marked the burial site with a granite stone that I keep for good luck


    It was unicorn porn .
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am still going through all of this and it is very dangerous and is sucking all of the life and health out of me. I know that I did not deserve it and I will never have any excuse to have a voice or a brain that does not work properly.


    If I did then that means I was capable of being healthy and also 100% stable in the past but must of not had any experiences when it comes to me getting a proper normal life figured out. I was apart of the system at some point since u was 16 years old and I will die before I ever go back to any institution or try to get my body purposely unhealthy.


    My lungs no longer works like they use to and my prostate is very swollen to the point where it has had adverse effects on my urination. I have retentions but I cannot feel or hold a steady stream. Hopefully this changes. No one deserves to have their health messed with until they are so addled they can hardly make a good decision on when it is a good idea to go see a doctor or not. But I will try to see one tomorrow on my day off and will try to make an appointment.

    It is 100% not even my fault that my brain is not working 100%. It has always been self aware and very considerate towards the thoughts and feelings of others and without that healthy portion of the brain working it is nearly impossible to live a healthy and safe life. For me and for others, despite all this happening it just naturally happened anyways.


    I have always been either held back or held to the side because of some reasoning that no one can really tell me about. This would occur either in school or in life. I had no devious motives and I am aware that when I do something it is my choices. My first thought is usually “ How will this effect other people”. It will not. Not if I am healthy anyways.


    This can **** me over , zap, torment , produce pain and instigate diseases In the body from progressing but it will never get the best of me unless it fully intends on killing me and keeping me. Keeping a person from being safe and normal is not my responsibility and I have to many other things to worry about when it comes to my own health and life that are more important than a few mistakes that I made in the past. Mistakes that are so little and so moot that the only people that would ever care would be people that would have to be dragged in, beaten and impressed with over exaggerations and simplifications just to make my own self look worse than who I actually was.

    Changing a person and their real life personality into something that it would never become is the difference between forcefully almost by gun point making someone do retard porn or hurting someone beyond the point of them being am to physically or mentally maintain a life where others could tolerate being around.

    Whatever happened I could bounce back very quickly. This prostate problem and general numbness in the area is a huge concern but at least I am taking care of myself . It had been going on for over a year as far as the severe part and it is just now feeling like it is getting better but also way worse than what I could of actually predicted.


    I am also pondering on not having any employment right now. It would be very comforting and also an advantage for me to pay attention to my health. Things such as my lungs ability to get decent amount of oxygen to my brain. They feel like they are unable to work .


    Nervous system , lungs , brain , bodily functions and my whole life for purposes that no other human should go through is not necessary. It goes above and beyond what is normal for a human being to experience as they actually recover from side effects and symptoms that would of been punishment in their own without any intervention.


    I would never be classified as a paranoid person and if this was ever considered an attack on my biology and my life then it extended above and beyond what is necessary to punish , keep others safe and to maintain decency when valuing human life .


    I had principles and I valued human life until I was using drugs and only hurting myself. I would just join in on the drug use not promote it. It’s not in my personality to promote dangerous drugs or activities . I always warn people if something is to messed up . I have always told people that drugs are the worst things a person could use.


    I also do not instigate trouble.. It would take torment and torture beyond a reasonable doubt for me to do anything that would be vindictive enough. This is also not in my personality as I am more concerned with being diplomatic and spreading peace than trying to instigate trouble. I do not sabotage anything but my own life.

    I was also never Racist nor was I ever doing anything in my life that I would be truly ashamed over. I have every right to forget about the past and I am usually even more careful than our actual president when it comes to the feelings of others.


    So I will write a letter to my mental health illness again.

    You are killing me and this stands for nothing that any human being can support. Both unhealthy and healthy no human being would ever deserve the amount of distress and pain that I have gone through. It was insinuating stuff and instigating trouble in a person that is very peaceful but had only a drug problem and also something similar to Tourette syndrome when it comes to words and words only. It’s true


    I cannot be punished or hurt . Have my freedom taken away without a process that defines an entire country. It’s unnatural because the amount of pain and psychological stress I have gone through made me wake up this morning and I did not feel alive I felt dead in the brain.

    I was always a fairly confident , happy and peaceful person and likes to give people a general idea of what I have gone through for the sole purpose of making their lives more prepared. To not just not make the mistakes I have made but because it was decent and also sane.

    Without this whittle internet stuff and how I used technology you would never have any reason , evidence or intel to support me being paranoid about what I do. I am not paranoid at all I am scared of hearing a dialogue about something that literally no person would hear. It would twist and contort innocent things to the point that it had an agenda that cares about nothing other than human experimentation and human suffering . This bendita no one and I chose to be the same person . Take away drugs and a few random searches to inspire my humor then I would not have anything in the past to reference that would make me feel bad or to give a psychologist a nightmare to handle . It was about not just a few things that would be logical and simple but everything .


    I do not care now. I care enough because I am being taunted painfully and I have nerves that fire off in pain until I do one and one thing only . Just type random useless words that are good for no one but me.

    So goodbye and farewell., I chose not to participate unless I feel like writing on here.

    Worried enough to keep me healthy to keep this torture going but not worried enough to keep people out of my flawed perception that is a result of something that is not me at all.

    I never had a problem in the past why would I have one now ?
  7. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Stay Strong Brother.
  8. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Days have been better but today’s was the one that crossed the line between me handling someone who is mentally unstable and unable to account for their behavior. My behavior is anxiety and fear based which was acceptable and also merited.

    It was not bugging me and I could of gotten over it even quicker without a supposed Meth user who acts paranoid

    He was all over me and taunting me worse than any sock person whom I have ever met in either prison or anyone else. I had done harassment in similar funny situations but it was a result of age and maturity level. I would of had to have been 14-16 and even the if someone confronted me I would of backed off and not tried

    I had to take a Xanax pieces every 3 days or so and it helps me get a peaceful body healing method of not hearing crap.

    I responded right , it was 100 percent harassment if not more. Life threats or injury is not tolerated.
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    If you
    Do not worry about me thank you for your concern through this and also your pleasant attitude . I lack clarity and truth. I have to much aggression and blame towards something that does not exist . This forum just eggs my delusional thinking on and makes it possible to not get proper amount of good solid mental health not my delusional beliefs .

    Keep up with the helpful posts.

    Love you , smooches !!
  10. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Of course I am scared of intimidation and the immediate threat of harm or danger, I am not stupid and perhaps I knew this little ploy that this was playing in my head this whole time.

    I understand why it is done but it should not be done to me. A person that can easily get an advantage of understanding all of this without previously hearing it or learning it. I am not going to suffer at anyone else’s expenses except for my own.

    If you wanted me to give a good prediction it would be . Paul can threaten my life and be a more dangerous person to people in a physical and imminent way and if I try to resolve it then it would bite me in the ass.
    But after these incidents that he had and the small amounts of aggression that I display when I work hard , smile or tell him that I will report him. It’s pretty much over with and I have no reason to think about it outside of this screaming at me and giving me a focal point to focus on. Instead of drugs and my past behaviors what kinds of negative things will I do to replace this stuff ? Maybe nothing


    I am satisfied with not being in pain , discomfort , trouble or under stress as a result of a bunch of convincing problems. Most of which actually really do exist in real life and are not inflated beyond anything that is unhealthy or hard to deal with, most people would of had a bigger problem . The problem is not me it’s the interpretation of me.

    I think if I had never had any activity on the internet in regards to all of this then I would of been left alone so I ask myself. What did I do that would of ever caused a life threatening event as a result of me being a person who enjoyed pretty much everything in life. Aside from drugs there was not hardly anything that I could point at. Maybe a fes behaviors but nothing that could ever hurt or cause injury to even hardly me. It does not make it right and I was aware of this but the natural course of human Exosyence does not resemble my experience.

    That is the problem and I have no delusions that it will go away . In fact I think it will quit and maybe someone else will experience something similar but very different as far as a perception standpoint .
  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    When I am not messed up I actually evaluate long term what conditions will be like if I had the current situation still taking place. A person will not fix this and so far either have I . So I do nothing , but certainly posting on here makes me feel allot better.

    I have more important things to do and my heal is the only thing I am worried about . I already have issues so for right now I would rather leave this and never have it return .

    Here is the end result ,


    I will likely have no employment and will be in poor physical and mental health . I will be severely depressed to the point where my emotions are coming through as tears. It will be catatonic

    After that I will likely seek therapy and the past 2 years or more will be gone through in detail and I will feel like I have a new start on things and it will slowly start to feel like things will be getting better . I then realize that therapy , talking to people and good health is what I needed my whole entire life and I will be happy and greatful that things are making a turn .

    For now though , how much can I tolerate without it causing to serious of an event for me and others. It’s suppose to be a psychological epiphany but it’s not working out as well as I thought it would.

    In all seriousness I can navigate life on my own. Be in pain, be alone and also handle various degrees of responsibility without giving up. I just have a brain that needs all of my brain . As if I ever needed any help to be miserable ? Not really
  12. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Stress will kill even if I do not feel it. I am mature enough emotionally to recognize that a persons attitude and behavior can put neven a state that makes it hard for me to work but not live. It seems to have a larger effect on others than it does me so for that I am thankful.

    I do not easily succumb to emotional turmoil and I can usually recover fairly quickly from events and things that happen. But there is a huge burden that I chose not to sqauk to anyone about . The fact that I cannot just sit and process a thought or emotion and have it very subtly intermingle with others through the day is distressing in a physical level. It’s a very complicated process and it needs mcg more than just hearing crap about how unhealthy I am or how a co worker is behaving or what people are thinking. I can get all of this in a process and have it vaguely register in my brain so naturally and very quietly that it does not take stress or effort , I am not asking for a life without problems but just one without a voice that has to be very cruel and unpredictable. Meaner than it has been nice I do not respond to it on any level unless I am trying to ignore it and I just happen to do something that I would of done anyways .

    I do not have all the answers . But when I feel like I need to do something I can certainly make a choice to do or not do it. Also, some things will never even cross my mind yet I have to sit here and be subjected to nonsense that is not specific enough but if I mimicked the same activity, Well, most would get the gist but it would just be different for everyone.

    Urine
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    All I know is. Once this starts getting silent which is likely sooner than I think. I predict I either will succumb to illness or I am being set onto a path that will be my demise.

    What is the closest logical path that has been ordained that will get me the most amount of attention, help and also misery. If it tones down I need to watch myself and if it tells then I know I am being distracted from something important.
  14. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    All I know is. Once this starts getting silent which is likely sooner than I think. I predict I either will socum.



    I know exactly how most problems go away especially when it comes to other people. The more you watch them and try to give them negative amounting attention the more of a waste of time or will be. It is also a psychological activity that puts things into a perspective where , Watching a prisoner in his cell day after day non stop will only be viewed as a prisoner and a prisoner only. Watching a person with a mime of a person who think they have malice , resentments and anger will always be viewed as this sane person. It would set anyone else on a path that is horrible .

    Not me, I will be as simple as possible . Go see a doctor , take a nap, eat , head to work , and do as I please. I just have to just by happenstance live with a very irritating voice in my head that would of put a person in very life altering positions of their where not inclined to be better than any version of themselves that they where previously . I have already tried being worse and it only really lasted the extent of my meth use give or take for me to instantly jump out of it .

    Right now I am not blaming myself or anyone else, I will make sure I am very pleased and happy with however I want to feel.

    I just do not have to do anything that I do not want to. I am also mam enough to admit that the only activity I am refraining from for a very long time now is downloading torrents. All of the others that are illegal or maybe semi immoral are to scary and dangerous, it’s just me doing my natural thing inna state which seems horribly unnatural.

    I would be more inclined to misbehave and have erratic behavior with a stupid voice in my head. And here I am just as perfect as I want to be. ( minus the voices )
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am also not stupid . It’s torture to have this kind of torment for this king and not have a connection inside your head as to how my life is going and if I am actually having a normal life. I have ceased and desisted from any activity or behavior years ago. I cannot handle the simplified very obnoxious and very crazy voice interrupting my dreams and trying to disrupt my sleep. It makes me wake up and I feel like a sheep of a person. I am disgusted but almost at the point where I cannot stand up or listen to all the forcible **** about things my mind interprets as harms and just plain fuckin freifhtening. I can hear what it says when I am sleeping and it is an intrusion that is very demented. It’s starting to make me so out of it I almost feel like a person that cannot respond to anything that a real person would. . If I was on loved in a very high stress or dangerous incident I would be staring at a bumble bee without having any center for anything . It’s hard to have a reason to exist
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    On top of the things I cannot bear to live with. I had what I would identify as a seizure last night. I remember it but do not have a recollection as to what happened. After years of this going on it is not my fault and I will continue to maintain a innocent position where I am not persecuted nor do I feel any resentment towards anything that is in my control but is really not.

    It is something that is not natural and it is killing me to the point where it is gettting very difficult to get up and go to work. With or without the voice it is difficult to use the restroom .

    My only crime back when I was doing stuff is being an addict who had connections with very bad people whom I tried to match with my intelligence mostly in conversation. It has not been like that in years.

    I will no longer tolerate any disturbances at night when I am trying to get a normal cycle of sleep. It’s not natural and it’s also not necessary. Luckily I can use certain medications and tools that they hate to combat issues that would severely torment and torture a person who was otherwise not prepared. I am suppose to quit using Xanax regularly but I still have a doctor’s recommendation to take it as needed. I have enough to last me years.

    I will do whatever I can to make this as easy on myself but very difficult for my own brain to give my inner consciousness any pause to have any distress. It’s ti focuses on using stuff I said as a weakness on the internet when in reallity it has actually broken down all my weaknesses and has made it impossible for me to have very many thing to worry about or to focus on.

    Job wise, I would be happier without a job even if I was very uncomfortable. This is a true sentiment, As working is probably a bigger weapon than not having a job.

    My own health is not as big of a deal to me now as it once was. It’s just fading away. They targeted my testicles , my brain and my head enough times to cause agonizing pain and distress over things that cannot me measured or gauged. In fact if you just had intel based off of electronic communications and internet and then separated it from my real life I would look like a peaceful law abiding citizen who just simply had a problem with communication and that is it .

    So all this stuff is going on and focuses on a person who works , has no criminal contacts and never leaves the house in over 10 years unless I have errands or some kind of labor to partake in. The gym, library , work, home , parents place and maybe at one time I would stray and go see a drug dealer. It would be extremely redundant and also irresponsible to put a person through that much with flawed intel.
  17. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    So after years of torture at a personal cost that effects others more than myself all that has really happened is caused my own self unconditional amount of pain , confusion and physical and mental suffering for reason that I cannot even list.

    Even my dreams are inert as far as.. I have very healthy and normal dreams but can feel myself getting knocked around by a sweeping / pulse that hits or passes over my head. It causes a seizure then that is something I will report for the sake of making the perpetrators stop and sit back and realize that they are caught up in a cycle of inanity that has nothing to do with me. I was just a spectator and I just so happen to always have words that make it seem like I have behaviors that are not necessary . Even when I was younger I never stole from a car I was just there. Then I tried to get a dangerous event into my own possession for the sake of saving lives. Calling police would of resulted in my arrest regardless of what happened. Then talking to a police officer a few feet from a crime scene a day after it happened . Maybe it’s just a matter of someone coming up on a probability scale or some percentage ?

    It does not matter anyways because I know very well that it was turned into a bigger deal in my head than it would of been in actual life. I know what is going on in life and this is taking my unique human brain which is healthy and sane and not allowing it to have natural bodily functions that are necessary to preserve human life for not only me but others as well.

    One event you cause can inadvertently effect others and I will of course take the blame but if there is some sort of mystical force that reigns power over people then it can be told beforehand that you are effecting others just as you target a person who is indifferent and who would have problems anyways . Not anything that would be a concern to anyone unless I chose to involve them and I think that was the problem . But what would I have told someone ? Do I have some kind of information or some kind of illegal activity that people need to know about ? Is my behavior not satisfactory to the world ? Certainly there are people who are doing much worse than anything I could ever intentionally plan up . In fact when I did do something I can recollect it perfectly when it comes to drug seeking behavior and intentions to try to recreate an incident where I made a quick legal profit in a grey area market .

    I have no excuses but I want to be left alone. To live in a world that is set on not helping the human condition but taking life away from innocent people is a world you will not connect me to.

    You will not see me endorsing drugs that can hurt others even if it is a personal choice . A martyrs is someone you would create and it would be very peaceful and know one would ever know any message .
  18. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am aware of my mental state I just desperately want to go to a forever lasting stage in life where I am very picky about my behaviors and also how i effect people .

    Today I met someone who is almost identical as far as how paranoid I was, the content of my paranoia almost to the T and sitting the I . Also a waitress whom I was concerned about asking if he was causing issues. He was trying to pitch a novelty designer drug,

    Its to much of a coincidence for my head to get involved but I am sane enough to either stay away, report and bring attention to what is necessary .
  19. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am aware of my mental state I just desperately want to go to a forever lasting stage in life where I am very picky about my behaviors and also how i effect people .

    Today I met someone who is almost identical as far as how paranoid I was, the content of my paranoia almost to the T and sitting the I . Also a waitress whom I was concerned about asking if he was causing issues. He was trying to pitch a novelty designer drug,

    Its to much of a coincidence for my head to get involved but I am sane enough to either stay away, report and bring attention to what is necessary .


    Hopefully this will post because I am well aware of how I sound on here and it is way different than my actually life and how someone else might perceive me.

    I cannot live with this at all. A voice that is so mean, angry and violently aggressive that it has not one thing in common with my actual personality. I could care less of it came from a tumor or a station on the moon. I want my life back so I can figure my own stuff out. Other people matter but right now I am focused on myself
  20. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am aware of my mental state I just desperately want to go to a forever lasting stage in life where I am very picky about my behaviors and also how i effect people .

    Today I met someone who is almost identical as far as how paranoid I was, the content of my paranoia almost to the T and sitting the I . Also a waitress whom I was concerned about asking if he was causing issues. He was trying to pitch a novelty designer drug,

    Its to much of a coincidence for my head to get involved but I am sane enough to either stay away, report and bring attention to what is necessary .


    Hopefully this will post because I am well aware of how I sound on here and it is way different than my actually life and how someone else might perceive me.

    I cannot live with this at all. A voice that is so mean, angry and violently aggressive that it has not one thing in common with my actual personality. I could care less of it came from a tumor or a station on the moon. I want my life back so I can figure my own stuff out. Other people matter but right now I am focused on myself


    I am also very aware of any subtitle difference as far as something is off or if my brain is even thinking or acting in a way where even others would say “” that is not normal “. . It catches it instantly or before it happens or it does not happen at all and it is a voice. It’s not all about me at work or life .