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Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am aware of my mental state I just desperately want to go to a forever lasting stage in life where I am very picky about my behaviors and also how i effect people .

    Today I met someone who is almost identical as far as how paranoid I was, the content of my paranoia almost to the T and sitting the I . Also a waitress whom I was concerned about asking if he was causing issues. He was trying to pitch a novelty designer drug,

    Its to much of a coincidence for my head to get involved but I am sane enough to either stay away, report and bring attention to what is necessary .


    Hopefully this will post because I am well aware of how I sound on here and it is way different than my actually life and how someone else might perceive me.

    I cannot live with this at all. A voice that is so mean, angry and violently aggressive that it has not one thing in common with my actual personality. I could care less of it came from a tumor or a station on the moon. I want my life back so I can figure my own stuff out. Other people matter but right now I am focused on myself


    I am also very aware of any subtitle difference as far as something is off or if my brain is even thinking or acting in a way where even others would say “” that is not normal “. . It catches it instantly or before it happens or it does not happen at all and it is a voice. It’s not all about me at work or life .

    I would get told right away. For once in my life it would be nice to not have a problem . It’s close but it feels painful and that takes away everything that brings a sense of normalcy or urgency
  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I dislike this voice so much that it really takes away my ability to appreciate the state of a body that is in semi good shape.

    I get pain that happens to just pop up and then it seems to vanish and appear in a pattern that is very predictable and I would be better off if I found something to alleviate these voices. Psychological suffering and also physical suffering is not anything I would ever wish on anyone all at once. I can handle it for a long time but it definitely diminishes my capacity to live and experience life.


    I have psychological problems I will need to deal with but I do not need to deal with them all crazy and unaware of things. I will be more prepared I just do not need something that I know is something a bit unique as far as, I think it can go away. How though ? I have tried every rational way of getting rid of it and only once did I ever
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I do not care why or how I just want it to be over. How I am acting is perfectly reasonable and also healthy compared to someone who does not care.

    I am also now getting to a point where these problems are starting to take very deep roots. Now not only do I not want to sit on the toilet because I dislike the discomfort of being screamed at and supposedly my description of being hit by something that is irritating I am starting to have it get very rooted in the core of my human psyche .

    It’s not anything that is necessary nor is it anything that is humane. I do not want to be apart of anything that I do not feel comfortable doing and if it is uncomfortable but good for me I will likely do it anyways and adopt behaviors and habits just to make my whole life easier. It’s just not necessary for a person who knows and will fight with every fiber of their being to preserve a personality that was semi flawed but I am fully capable of making adjustments based on new experiences. It’s different because I am just sober and working hard not because I have to go through this crap with torment and a fucking miserable time . It would not make a difference for me it is just not convienent . It is this way now and it will be this way in the future

    My ass hole and stomach health has been important enough where I see a doctor on the regular and have a diet that is very decent when compared to any other person. I might stray from it but I am fine. I will feel like crap because I am getting yelled at and cannot get a decent night of sleep in onto of that my body with respond to the stimuli and the psychological ranting and worry they are trying to instill in my head . It’s bull **** but hey, I cannot do **** about it. I just do not need to end up with any more diseases or discomfort and the end result that they want will kill me before they actually get what they want .
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My brain can reason better than most and I can process stuff very well as far as, If I was getting a certain set of directives to live by then I would abide by them and follow through for a very long time without that much trouble . Even when impaired , I am just in a position where it is a bit impossible to do as a please because my personality is conflicting with how to live , work , take care of myself and reason in a way which would make it possible so u can accurately emphasize the importance of the situation to a person who would take extreme interest . I also do not do well in situations , Not well but, I do not respond at all when people are are trying to get a reaction out of me. It’s a blessing and a curse and when possible I really do care and I can make a very sincere effort to make sure that my true feelings and emotions are displayed towards another.

    If I had no buprenorphine in my system I would be sensitive and probably have tears . That is not anything I plan on going through unless I can figure this voice thing out . I would be sensitive emotionally but able to reciprocate allot better. It just makes others more attracted to me and being Dulled back a bit has its advantages . Of course everyone will say the same thing right away. “” You are almost a person that is so different and like able that you are better this way “. But having these emotions dulled back has given me a few advantages. I just cannot change anything for my own choice at this very moment .
    Davers likes this.
  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    What I need is more days like yesterday. I know it was trying to convince me that something happened when it actually never happened at all. It just seems like a giant fluke as far as some people decided I needed to be mentally incapacitated because they thought a certain event happened/Events. Heck even I was convinced and I was about ready to go down to the FBI office at one time talking about a blank gun firearm and some cannon fuse . Something that thought might make an interesting YouTube Video. But then reality hits , They would of never been interested and even if I showed them pictures of small time moonshine production I would be advised to cease operations and to dismantle my still. They are not there for people like me , But I quit anyways because I have a very big life to lead that has a huge desire to explore other things and realize how huge this world is.


    I am still not angry at anyone and I will always chose to not be apart of any anti government or Hateful speech. Even if I do not like something the best I can do is spin a conversation just to hear input from others. This usually results in a conversation where I am shrugging my shoulders in my head.


    I am not mentally ill. I have some issues with my physical brain and how it works as far as processing outside stimuli. My eyes , ears, nerves , nose and other senses are very sensitive and this causes problems as far as figuring out what is happening to me.

    I am certainly bipolar but I am trying to figure out how this plays into my entire life . I need all of my brain to figure out and to inform doctors / people how I feel when something is off. No matter what the problem is , It will never be to my disadvantage . I just recently had this experience when I heard about a Co Worker and how good I was doing and all I did was take in all the information about how horrible and bad he was. (. I am not one to butch or contribute to gossip unless necessary )
    Davers likes this.
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    What I need is more days like yesterday. I know it was trying to convince me that something happened when it actually never happened at all. It just seems like a giant fluke as far as some people decided I needed to be mentally incapacitated because they thought a certain event happened/Events. Heck even I was convinced and I was about ready to go down to the FBI office at one time talking about a blank gun firearm and some cannon fuse . Something that thought might make an interesting YouTube Video. But then reality hits , They would of never been interested and even if I showed them pictures of small time moonshine production I would be advised to cease operations and to dismantle my still. They are not there for people like me , But I quit anyways because I have a very big life to lead that has a huge desire to explore other things and realize how huge this world is.


    I am still not angry at anyone and I will always chose to not be apart of any anti government or Hateful speech. Even if I do not like something the best I can do is spin a conversation just to hear input from others. This usually results in a conversation where I am shrugging my shoulders in my head.


    I am not mentally ill. I have some issues with my physical brain and how it works as far as processing outside stimuli. My eyes , ears, nerves , nose and other senses are very sensitive and this causes problems as far as figuring out what is happening to me.

    I am certainly bipolar but I am trying to figure out how this plays into my entire life . I need all of my brain to figure out and to inform doctors / people how I feel when something is off. No matter what the problem is , It will never be to my disadvantage . I just recently had this experience when I heard about a Co Worker and how good I was doing and all I did was take in all the information about how horrible and bad he was. (. I am not one to butch or contribute to gossip unless necessary )


    When I think about this and figure out the time frame and when it will stop it is very messed up. I am a normal human being who already has allot of problems to figure out. It is keeping me from addressing behavioral and medical problems ( both past and present ). Because I. Need 100% of everything up there.

    Brains do not Mimick or act the way I do .


    So Jesse is getting help let’s show him what it’s like if he gets help and nothing changes . Then let’s do the opposite . Now let’s mark it on a threat scale so we can. Continue

    My brain works kinda like that .
  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I have not really felt this good in a long time as far as not having many worries about any health issues besides this yelling voice crap.

    I took some old anti biotics that I had stashed away. When push comes to shove I usually will save them from a procedure which I know will heal up anyways so they are pretty old. With this Virus stuff going on and work I was in a situation where I had to mess with a system that I disagree with. Not taking anything unless instructed by a doctor is a big issue for me but since I had them and they are working I am praying that they actually work . 9 years old , A doctor will scold me a little and probably replace what I have left. I was miserable for months and it now feels perfectly fine ( hopefully ) .


    I have a plan but I have no time to go seek any additional help with the tourist season coming . I am busy enough where I do not have to worry about wondering thoughts or any plans to disrupt my own life or the lives of others. It’s not business as usual it is me just not being abnormal or trying to stand out anymore than I would if I was at home alone .

    35 years old and really wanting everything to flip around in a way where I can feel just perfectly fine without all this mental illness crap.

    My perspective on this if it ever does go away will be one with hesitation. I will be stopping a series of thoughts and behaviors and shove them to the side and replace those with something else . It will likely be something productive and healthy.

    My thought process pertains to my surrounding environment and what I am taking in. It’s not that hard to stay out of trouble and to be clean and sober , and it’s not that hard to have a healthy thought process that has no criminal intent.

    It will be a bit confusing and difficult to see how far I can go with regular society and earning my own way. I will never be complacent enough to be healthy and normal and then magically trying to intrigate 2 different life styles together to make something that is more or not good for me or anyone else . It’s possible but just not anything I need to get into right now . Or even think about
    Davers likes this.
  8. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Sorry yr still dealing with all that crap, I really wish you the best & think of yr situation often ( tho I don't post as much lately , I do like to check in on how yr doing .)

    IMO 'You Can & will Overcome these attacks no matter where they are coming from , yr still so young & can accomplish GREAT things in yr life.'

    Just hoping Prayin for you .
    Have a great Independence Day.:cool:
  9. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Hi EDJ
    I see yr not posting , that all good if yr over it for now, I just worry about you & pray yr OK & doing well.
    Your friend .
    Davey
  10. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I have been doing better in my position that I will be perfectly fine and able to be a person that can handle stress and bad life events when they happen . Without making any irrational choices or making hasty decisions.


    But I am still in a vulnerable position where I am not putting myself in a position of being vulnerable and unhealthy but that is just how it is. My focus wants to be on progress and life. When the voices calm all I think about is seeking help and talking about what happened . When they torment me I am petrified and cannot even plan for anything at all.

    I can make it but I do agree that I would likely die or end up in a institution where it would be a waste of time and grief for me and my loved ones. No one deserves to suffer and to be in a state where I am at now.


    I have decided to go ahead and continue these nasty medications that I swore off of. Stop taking Xanax and to continue to go forward . I was advised that a doctor agrees that I should seek help locally and that I did not need to manage my condition with so many medications . But this voice is not relenting and not nice to me at all. Even in the midst of sickness and illness it would take advantage of my weakness . So I am being healthy


    Then today happened .. My hips hurt , legs hurt , stomach hurts , and I have the infection pain coming back because of non stop stress that feels like a voice just digging into me and not allowing me to have my own voice . It is there but this is getting to cruel as I am no longer convinced that I did anything wrong to deserve this . It just feels like I am living by someone else’s agenda . A person who would throw away everything just because they cannot admit that they only feel empathy when someone is sick or ill and they are busy . It’s not healthy

    I will not live with a woman who would throw away my whole savings . Life and my home just because a few windows got left open. I will not tolerate it and I need other options in the form of a loving person who I can build a relationship with or being all by myself . Maybe section 8. ? But I would have to bake shot waves and be off of medicines ..


    I need my own intellectual intelligence to have enough confid to get help and not have emotional issues as a result of changes . It would be easy but hard with a a noxious voice that allows no positivity at all. It contradicts my own personality .


    She stays home all day long and seems to have more work than I ever do. I cannot do my own laundry because it is not right or done correctly . I have no energy or happiness to do much of anything besides ask it for mercy .


    Why is my life not normal and I need my body and brain back. To do this I need happiness and confidence no matter what . When a person is grown up they can make changes and I am only scared of being alone while getting screamed at.

    I am reliable when a person asks me a certain way. But unreliable when I am being coddled and they have to much control to even allow me to have a simple..


    It’s just plain hard and it’s destroying my body
    I was sober and today I made mistakes again. I had shots of alcohol which was above and beyond my tasting routine . And other ****
    I just want my body to feel better and need my positive inner voice back to tell me it is fine .
  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I actually remember every time this voices effected me and when it started to infringe in my life. It was subtle but it caused me to have behavioral changes and now all it does it make me physically ill and depressed. My brain has a natural healthy way of processing information and controlling impulses . It also has a thought process that was interfered with and altered as far as not being able to focus on life and dealing with every day tasks.

    I would of been unaware of it the whole time and unable to admit my psychological problems if i was sick. I would of been aware of it and I am aware of it and can admit my shortcomings . I am also able to identify that it has nothing to do with psychological illness it’s behavioral problems and impulse issues based on the past and current environmental factors.

    If a child is obsessed with ghosts and the fear of noises because that idea was planted in his head then a noise or a tree would of messed with my head.

    It’s possible that I was treating myself or diagnosed improperly.
  12. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    Sorry to hear of your continued struggles , I know you can & will overcome this .

    BTW
    I felt better for a few weeks ( not perfect but better ) now the depression has returned ..I hate it , seems we good people are being targeted by the enemy as this world goes down the crapper .

    We will overcome !!!!

    Have the best day possible & I'm glad to see yr OK as I was a tad worried.
    Later EDJ :cool:
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Feeling better than when I started to write all this crap.. I stopped taking Xanax and it was hell to deal with psychologically. But it also was not that bad as long as you use appropriate measures suggested by a doctor . That Xanax crap actually made me more angry or frustrated and did nothing since my anxiety was self caused .

    I still hear this crap and wish to void some of the previous comments .
  14. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    I'm glad your well , as I was wondering about you the other day , proud of yr xanax kick. WTG

    Don't feel bed about the past , as 'it's all water under the bridge '. Best wishes for your future .
    Davers
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Still doing well and I would say it took about 1 week of hellish psychological symptoms after ceasing Xanax use. It messed me up and stunted my brain just like any other drug would.

    I made a bunch of rants and comments on this page which I do not endorse. It is misleading and full immaturity.
  16. CameronAlsop

    CameronAlsop Member

    Well, I think that the reason that you hear the head can be two reasons.
    First: this is the result of long-term use of psychotropic substances. Most likely, they can bring you to this.
    Second: the cause may be the onset of dementia. As far as I know, the fact that you hear voices may be a symptom.
    I don't want to upset you; it's just that you should see a doctor for help. I can be wrong, and I would be glad if I were wrong. There is nothing worse than dementia, and I hope that the cause is different, easily cured. In any case, I wish you good luck.

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    Last edited: Aug 4, 2021