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Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    But my attitude is perfectly fine and I am still alive. I try not to think about how much pain and trauma I am going through but it hardly seems to effect my outlook that much.

    I doubt I could take very much more of all of this but some things are simply non avoidable. I take very heavy doses of medications and even increase the dose to maximum when I have problems. In the distant or not so distant future it will be hard if not impossible to have a job and resume normal life duties without having someone else in my life take care of me. I am not to worried about this though.

    On all levels they seem like minor spells and I think it is starting to take a toll on my nervous. System and Subconscious.

    I refuse to let these symptoms let me get out of control or back into any mindset that would put any obligations on other people.

    I know what the definition of insanity is and also disturbed. I do not even resemble any of these traits as far as who I am and who I want to be. There is only so much a person can go through in life for so many years before they break. I am not scared to ask for help and talk about it to anyone.

    I will continue to remain positive and choose not to be rattled.
    Davers likes this.
  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I can recognize my bad logic from the good.

    If I choose different behavior that is not in my nature and not acceptable would symptoms subsided or get worse ?

    Such things are so trivial and meaningless.

    Also in the last year would it not be correct that these voices would of relented and completely gone away all together ? Probably not..

    I do know with the degreee of symptoms I have and the frequency / intensity, I will probably be a unfamiliar and unique case for a new and or another doctor to manage. I do wonder if anything like me is referenced in a medical journal. Even scouting the top of the internet I cannot see any direct connection.

    I did think about looking at search engine data to see and place a point in time or a year when these topics became popular but never got any deeper in my thought process than that. Mass hysteria wise there was a certain amount of people who suddenly showed interest in a stock market type time period.

    All of that nonsense does not matter to me and only reinforces stuff that I should and have been refraining from thinking about.

    My body is weak and I am trying to posture myself as best as possible to not make any issues compounded.

    I have made mistakes but they happened such a long time ago that they would hardly seem that relevant. I would of course bring them up, give an explanation and move onto another topic. I certainly will not get persecuted.
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    When sleeping recently I can hear.

    My name being repeated over and over again while in a stage of R.E.M sleep.

    Having minor episodes last night are more physically painful and confusing than actually having a mental illness problem.

    Anything that happens to my head is another thing that pulls me away from being a happy, normal and productive person. It takes pretty much everything away and it certainly does not feel natural.

    Upon waking up I had a vivid dream about a piece of wire in my hand. I had no idea why it was there or what was happening but it effected me in such a way that upon waking up I could feel my palm hurt.

    Previously prior to my current experience I had not had any dreams at all unless I had a rare occasional one. They seem to be increasing in frequency.

    When I go to a silent place in the house sometimes it often feels as if the buzzing / ringing noise is more intense. Especially if I try to lay down to get mediation or take a nap. This is something I have not experienced for a very long time.
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Things will seem better from time to time but I am sick of feeling she’ll shocked and rattled.

    The only paranoia I have is about my own health. I hardly care about anything but my own affairs and it’s almost as distracting as sitting next to a bee’s best while trying to take care and look after the welfare of innocent small children. How could you not be distracted by that analogy being very similar to what I am experiencing.

    I push anxiety and fear to the side because there is nothing really to worry about. I can only assume that my condition will improve because I was neither in a state like this when I quit meth nor was I like this prior to started using it.

    There are no amounts of explanations or self talk that will help. I am sane enough to make my own choices without effecting others and I know how to take care of myself . I have no guilt or remorse about the past because I have already made amends.

    I have never experienced violence or behavior until I felt these symptoms cascade onto my brain. Once I caught myself and knew who was in control I started to second guess every choices going through my head. Otherwise I remember being almost pushed to assault my own father over a year ago. This has been the first and only time I had ever resorted to any violent behavior against a person in my entire life. But I remember it very clearly . Meth and Alcohol made me a very agitated person . It almost often feels like someone is constantly trying every possible method to get a rise out of a person who just does not have it in them.

    But just because I feel that way it does not mean it’s a reality. I know exactly how in control I was at one time. I am still in control but I would prefer to not feel like I am being tested.

    I know exactly what happened
    Davers likes this.
  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I believe that Opiates made me have lapses in judgement especially when mixed with Alcohol and other drugs.

    I can take responsibility for my own behavior but I cannot imagine how much Chaos that I caused just by being sick and unavailable.

    I take other people into serious consideration now. Unlike previously I had been mostly focused on myself and not progressive states of mind.

    I might suffer but I cannot do anything about it. I can though make other things better.
    Davers likes this.
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Mostly a silent night. The stressful part ended pretty much after I clocked out of work.

    I am still waiting for that one perfect night and day where I can hear nothing at all and feel little discomfort.

    It is my personal belief that my success as a person is dependent on my ability to concentrate and have a good mood. It’s almost as if from far away people have some sort of perception of a persons inner person. If things are well and you have a happy stable life with good karma then good things will happen.

    If you invite negativity and have bad experiences then people generally perceive things differently.

    My health is almost just as important as the health of others. If there is an even Endorses Jeans then there is a happier version and experience from other people.

    So therefore it is an obligation to take care of my health for the sake of others. Watching my neighbor get repeatedly arrested reminds me of how lucky I was in terms of not getting put inside an institution again.

    I try to exercise and I have positive healthy encouragement as long as I am with the program and not distant.

    I have thought about it . There is a resin they take certain people and incapacitate them to a degree. Because they effect other people in such a way that the effects no matter how small can last years. Collateral damage
    Davers likes this.
  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I have been having Headaches. Starting about 2 weeks ago it started almost like feeling I had a marble sized piece of concentrated pain in the middle of my forehead.

    Last night upon waking back up after a short nap that was induced by silence I experienced a very excruciating headache unlike what I have ever felt in my entire life. No amount of rubbing the temples would relieve even the smallest amount of stress.

    This effected my coordination and my ability to hear for about 30 minutes. The pain seemed to be on the right side of my skull. Eye sight seems to be mildly sensitive and painful sometimes. Luckily I was able to take 4mg of buprenorphine and have a cup of hot tea.

    This effects my sense of self and happiness. I have never gone through so much pain in such a short period of time. I tried falling asleep with my head elevated and upright. Symptoms have subsided as of 1 hour after noticing they started.

    Frequency of effecting balance and sharp pain in vision/ blinking seems to only happen momentarily through the day as a reflex.

    Perhaps it is very common for people to get plenty of headaches. I also had been drinking plenty of water and hydrating a bit more than usual.

    I also had not had any caffeine consumption through the following 12 hours. Previously I at least attempt to drink more than one caffeinated beverage at least twice a day.
    Davers and Onceaddicted77 like this.
  8. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Yea sounds like a caffeine headache. I used to drink a big monster energy drink every morning. I have since stopped after 10 years and I got massive headaches for about 3 days.
    Davers likes this.
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    This morning I had a noticeable difference between my senses and how I felt while waking up. Everything was not as fuzzy and my senses are certainly more clear.

    I have certainly been in a giant haze and right now it feels so much better considering where I was. It just makes me wonder and think about the permanent damage that drugs can cause.

    Even though I still have not had the opportunity to focus on life and feelings for a whole day straight for a long time I am starting to learn how to make myself feel better and also occupied without my old self getting in the way. I am still trying to remain positive.

    I know I need to drink more water and hydrate. I am probably a very anxious person who will show significant improvements as time progresses. There will probably be no short trick or secret in terms of getting my overall health restored.

    I know I have learned to many lessons in one year for 1 person to learn.

    I did have a dream last night and it consisted of me being upstairs. I was making a malt/milkshake with my father and was able to see a clear vivid picture of my grandma giving me a hug in my dreams.
    Davers likes this.
  10. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Man and I had thought I over analyzed myself through the years. This is good for you though this is how you get down to the root of the problem.
    Davers likes this.
  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    That is probably what it was. I noticed that I have to have a cup of tea at night just to make the back of my neck feel better.

    When I was going through some very big cognitive problems and had problems with pretty much all my senses and body I was told to eliminate soda and caffeine and stick to 1 can of coke a day for hypoglycemia.

    Now after going through all of this I have learned to control most of my irrational fears and anxieties.

    Most of my problems except for 1 require simple solutions. Luckily I have other things to distract myself through the day. I am now able to almost go back into my head to daydream or think instead of focus on those nonsensical inner voices.

    It will not matter how well or how much I try to summarize my experience. My current condition will be important when I start seeing a behavioral health doctor regularly.

    Thinks seemed so simple and less complexed. I know there are tons of choices that I made in the past just because I made the choice and it was not necessarily illegal. This does not mean that that the overall behavior was healthy.

    I wish I was more reliable in terms of having a consistent day from one to another. It makes managing lower doses of medications very hard to do.. This is a very necessary thing. Luckily there are some people in here who might give some good advice from time to time.

    Hopefully I can look back. I can usually spot how I was feeling and I even admit that what I am writing at the time and trying to convey might even be take out of context and viewed as nonsense rantings.

    I probably spent a fair amount of time ranting on the internet. I limit myself to only a few activities per day that I can use the internet for. This probably would of eliminated tons of influence on my daily life.
    Davers likes this.
  12. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Even the famous James Taylor had a very long stay in a psychiatric unit. Unfortunately I would of gladly done this a long time ago without hesitation but now I have gained to much ground in terms of my own success. James Taylor was supposedly uncommunicative and had to spend a significant amount of time in a hospital to which he was great full for.

    I feel in control and I certainly hope that things start leveling out similar to how they are right now ( Today ) Maybe I should just repeat previous good days and not separate myself from reality.

    All of my choices are my own and even before I started using meth I can think of only 1 where I lost touch with reality in a dark way. Sometimes people might have to go through something in order to get an accurate idea of how unhealthy their lifestyle was.

    This is why I do not consume anything that alters my brain chemistry. If o do it is a stupid cup of coffee or some energy drink.
    Davers likes this.
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am certainly doing just that. I realize that this type of ranting can seem a bit manic at times. I just have ideas or thoughts through the day and post them on here.

    At one time I would use my time on another forum that catered to drug use and advice about drugs and how to use them with the least amount of harm. This was unhealthy

    My self assessment will taper off eventually when things are more stable. Right now I try to pull my focus away from auditory hallucinations.

    At least I am not a the peak of my illness trying to walk into the FBI office to report a Hacker that was using some form of technology to transmit voices into my head. I still cannot believe that they let me walk in there and out of there a few times without being detained.

    The only thing I can do now is smile about it or not think about it at all. It makes me cringe how many irrational choices that I made while in a severe state of psychosis.
  14. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Currently I am not experiencing that many bad side effects as of waking up in the morning.

    Usually the context of what is distracting me is loud and physically uncomfortable and also distracting. The context is non important and often ignorant. It’s almost like listening to someone who has no ability to control what others perceive as not normal communication. A drug person that is intelligent but also manically high on uppers.

    This so called inner voice simply does not match and portion of my personality.
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It is ignorant , belligerent, obnoxious and also distracting.

    I look at other people and I see so many mistakes and flaws that I do not or no longer possess the capacity for.

    I look at my Cats and they seem oblivious to that much suffering and torment.
    Davers likes this.
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Even though today feels like a better day I can still tell the difference in good health. I am trying to resume a better posture and ability to be a more productive and alert person.

    I have also begun to consume less sugar and more water.
  17. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    So I wonder what I did different yesterday compared to other days.
    My only bad habit is Nicotine gum and maybe 1 small glass of red wine with dinner and a coke.

    I have no desire to go back to anything that would come close to old habits or behaviors. Life was way more enjoyable.

    My diet consists of salads, vegetables , mushrooms and I will sometimes stop at Taco Johns before work to get lunch faster. Lasted year I was making breakfast by myself and my morning are not as good. I think I need to go back to paying more attention to my diet and what could possibly make my head feel fuzzy. I can notice such subtitle differences lately, maybe it is the healing process.

    I not paranoid about my health just trying to be accurate.
  18. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Brain healthy habits would be :
    Appropriate worry
    Good decisions
    Regular exercise
    Coordination sports
    New learning
    Daily Motivation
    Staying Hydrated
    Clean Air
    Stress Management Techniques
    Basic Supplements
    Social Support.
    Purpose and Passion
    Knowing the health of your brain
    Light therapy.

    I could probably have some input and insight into every single facet.

    I believe I would prefer my brain to be encouraging. Supportive of others no matter who they are, not judgmental and not opinionated.

    I need that extra drive and ambition and I already have a supportive companion that has a strong desire to see me be as healthy as possible. She encourages me to exercise and to up my game. Until recently I have felt almost completely handicapped.

    Hopefully this continues to change as I switch focus. I believe I am ultimately working towards one thing, No distracting buzzing or words inside my head. I like that blank slate where I can be imaginative, funny and aware of others who need things. Silence and meditation is very important to me. I have gone so long without it. I have taken it for granted.
  19. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I think I would like to spend more time helping other people forget about their worries and phobias. Sometimes what comes next is not always as important as what is happening right now.

    There are people who I know and also who I have not met who deserve the opposite of what my selfish ambitions tried to accomplish in the past. I am stuck on not being able to work up the courage to think about the situations where I put people in bad positions by influence.
  20. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Currently reading books on the human brain and better overall health by : Doctor Daniel G. Amen

    This will be a new way for me to set aside time to focus.
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.