An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by EndorsesJeans, Feb 24, 2020.

  1. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Brain has been more set and present in reality the last 2 days. I often here a weird sound very similar to strange machinery fluctuating.

    Aside from this I can recognize the origin and the end of thoughts. How one thought leads to another. This is one of the things that has kept me in a constant state of being out of touch with reality. For a very long time I have just disregarded all thoughts and put my brain in a form of stasis mode. I suppose it has been my way of not dwelling or focusing on zero thoughts at all. It has been my way of keeping paranoia and wandering thinking that leads to anxiety. I suppose I started to recognize this a very long time ago but only recently came to the conclusion last night.

    It reminds me of how a program or a computer would behave. A certain string of commands that it has to execute in order to get to the end. Luckily I have the ability to subconsciously defend myself from some of the things that would result in an error.

    This has not been very healthy on my emotional well being. By blocking out all of the processes that I would normally go through allot of my ambitions and healthy thinking pattens have put me into a state of being catatonic or not present.
  2. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Luckily I do not have to be worried about legal problems anymore. I still had a dream resembling something that happened almost 2 years ago or more.

    I was riding with a person whom at one time was a friend. He had just picked up a considerable amount of a substance. He gave it to me with the instructions to drop it off at the destination. I knew right away the amount of trouble I would of suffered and was immediately intimidated into a choice that could of costed a person their whole entire life and freedom.

    This is the feeling I now get when I hear this certain noise buzzing/clicking. It induces a feeling that puts a person outside of themselves and it does not feel good at all.

    In the future I can avoid all of this by being similar if not better than how I today. It will be impossible for me to go back to anything resembling those very scary poor decisions. It’s almost as if I have already gone through the whole experience of paying for my behaviors from A-Z. My brain is trying very hard to restructure the process in which it makes decisions.

    When I relapsed the Pattern of thinking I had was that of a person who had a foggy brain that was way to distracted. That is why overall brain health and body health is more important than anything else.
  3. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It will require tons of effort and work outside of just having a normal routine. I am not trying to be obsessive but I am currently thinking about my sleeping patterns.

    My old doctor repeatedly told me that I should look into sleep apnea and also try to get myself into a sleep study. Brain scans from a person having poor sleep patterns are very abnormal to those who have normal healthy sleep patterns. It is not uncommon for me to get up several times during the night to just simply stay awake for a few minutes watching Tv before going back to sleep.

    This is unhealthy and I hate having an inconsistent routine. I take melatonin and magnesium instead of a RX sleep medication. I quit smoking to alleviate breathing problems and now I need to get accustomed to lower doses of caffeine through the day so I can have a healthy amount of sleep. At one time in my recovery I remember going cold turkey off of Xanax for about 1 month or more. I was jumping out of bed every hour or so and eventually my brain was starting to feel better. As things improve I will move away from benzodiazepines. They cause anxiety issues that seem to compound themselves.

    Hopefully symptoms subside as far as my brain thinking smoothly and not having auditory and visual hallucinations. At least they are subsiding a little bit.
    Davers likes this.
  4. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    It appears that this month my brain decided to come back. No worries
  5. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I know I am sane and level headed. When I made mistakes I know exactly what I was looking for in terms of a chemical reaction.

    The brain will make patterns out of anything it cannot explain. I will always remain a sane skeptic.

    I value life and sanity more than anything else in life. This includes so much that I will never be able to put it into words.
  6. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I know from looking at my Fathers mental health that things changed him to a person who is not even close to being in touch with reality. He seems to be improving but the whole bath salts and meth business wrecked his entire life and mental health.

    For me I remember being around the stuff enough to know that I was exposed to it a few times and it triggered my anxiety disorder forever.

    I will never endorse drugs again
  7. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I get it.. I actually understand how I think and how my brain works more than any other person that walks around with opposable thumbs and a social security number.

    What would possibly urge me to dissect myself and reveal my paranoia regarding health issues and behavior ?

    Something I am attempting to hide and partially agree to be true. A voice to which I believe has and or had another source that is outside of myself .

    My reasoning is guilt and my desire to try to justify and explain my actions in a rational way in hopes that someone else would understand. I also do it for myself because I have a subconscious agenda that I have not fully admitted but am well aware of. I try to not give it much thought so I let it words roll from my head into a online forum.

    No one will ever understand me or know me unless I tell them. Unless they are me .

    I could easily see why a person could build up some kind of viewpoint and push this diagnosis onto me without trusting knowing how I feel.

    But we label , judge, control, communicate and interact with people all the time for our own purposes.

    Mine is not entirely known to me sometimes and I believe we all have the capacity to grow and learn from life.

    There are some people out there who do things and simply have no desire to control their actions or behaviors. I am not like that ! I know what is right and wrong and if my brain has any ulterior motives I will certainly admit them.

    The last few days I have definitely been more present and things seem less foggy. It’s almost as if I have been in a walking coma for a very long time.

    One thing I do know is for sure. People believe what they want to believe. I could of been reading golden tablets out of a hat that only I could see and translate and tell other people and essentially make them believe a portion of my story. I have no desire to be anything but myself and I have no time to endorse any of my beliefs unless they are factual.

    Pain and suffering is subjective and experienced by the opinions of other people. You cannot see it or feel it but it is very real. If my grammar was better and I could put more words into my experience then I probably would. That is all
  8. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I am also well aware of the fact that I have been all over the place in terms of explaining my experience. This does not to be taken out of context but was rather an outlet for me to get through a few things that i had been going through at the time of the incidents that had taken place. I have copied and pasted a clip of something that Figured i would file away into my memory for future use. Maybe even for purposes of Empathy towards others

    Across all sensory modalities, our subjective experiences are individually unique. One texture may be pleasant to one individual, and uncomfortable to another. One flavor may be appealing to one individual and aversive to another. These experiences can rapidly shift within one individual - for example even too much chocolate in chocolate lovers becomes a negative rather than a positive experience (1). These differences underscore the fact that sensory experiences are far more than a mere extraction and appreciation of the features of an afferent signal. Instead, they are constructed from a complex convolution of afferent input with information related to our past experiences, present context, as well as the future implications and meaning of the afferent input. This process is supported by genetically determined hardware but heavily modified by psychological and cognitive factors.
  9. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I will desire a brain that is altered or adulterated. I would prefer everything as natural and as healthy as possible. It does not have to be over analyzed but instead very simple. Things might seem mundane and moot but sometimes people have to deal with certain things in life. I have the ability to feel the pain of others and process this into an emotion that is appropriate for me to process.

    I have the ability to make choices and I know automatically that I have a good natural inclination between what is good and what is bad. This is something that most healthy people have if they are not trying to modify themselves chemically.

    If I did Summarize Everything. I believe I found some good words to put together in order to expand upon my mindset.

    Mostly My head is blank without to many worries or troubles. For me this is not normal, I need to go back to a stage in life where I have the appropriate amount of feelings over certain situations. Being distracted and having a sleeping process which I have not been able to figure out has made it difficult to properly correct life. Luckily though, I am still alive and I am still here. There is nothing that says that I am owed anything or anything that says that I deserve anything. What we are suffering now is nothing compared to the amount of relief and good fortune that we can make for our own selves. We should be able to be in charge of our own fate in ways. Sometimes we get sick and sometimes we heal. Sometimes we Live and sometimes we Die.

    Not everything is Black and White or in a parable.
    Davers likes this.
  10. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My gut instinct and experience says to me that something happened and I had a very profound and detailed experience where I was not well. I do know that there where probably people out there who I have never met that may have been worried about what I was doing and what my intentions may have been. A doctor will probably have an interest in medicine long before he starts to heal people and a Veterinarian will probably have a connection with animals prior to going to college to pursue a lifetime of research into a lifetime of work.

    If I was to gauge my interests at one time it would of been drugs and Criminal Insanity. This was not my intention and I certainly understand why my subconscious would beat myself up about my past behavior. This is me not messing with my brain chemistry in bad way. <--- Feeling better
    Davers likes this.
  11. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I might have something that resembles an Identity Crisis. I will figure out who, what, where, when and why later on. Sometimes I wish I had done something more productive with my time earlier in life. No matter what I know what happened in the past is something that I will not be repeating again. I might show interest in things that are similar to what I have experienced in the past but this will not define me as a person or my sanity.

    I certainly will in the future avoid appealing to my ego. I am one of those people who always thought I had something special and maybe might have been better than others but I also have learned to adapt. I have learned to be humble and generally try to wish others well. I mind my own business and do not get offended or lose my temper. I have a very straight forward demeanor and it is hard to get me to a point of agitation. I can be passive-aggressive at times but it is not intentional at all. Everyone is different and I do not intend on fixing something that is not broken or explaining myself to myself.

    I do know this. Through all of this, I lost a little bit of my personality and I hope to gain some things back in time. Through work and progress, I hope that I can eventually start getting back into a healthy viewpoint. Rather than trying to understand everything and dissect the reasoning behind all that happens. Sometimes there are no answers that are relevant, So what? It causes no emotions or feelings it is just something that i tend to do from time to time.

    I am not a bad person but I have done bad things. I am no longer capable of anything resembling what I had been doing. This is because at one time I was not being healthy at all. Seeing people just consume something legal like Alcohol makes me think about the consequences that happens as a result.

    Even I have had enough of my own Rantings.

    Though I do believe in a very Ideal world my brain would give me a very detailed explanation. If it can come up with all this nonsense then it certainly can come up with something other than what it has been saying. It would be horrible to leave a person in a state where they do not comprehend something that could change their whole view of everything. I am referencing the experience I had and some of my beliefs that I keep to myself and do not share.
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2020
  12. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I do no all of this is useless. It serves no real purpose as of this moment and I will eventually forget about it and try to seek something else. I will probably end up going in search of self-preservation and all the things that follow having a happy normal life.
  13. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Long Story short. Even If I like it or Dislike it... I have to listen to what my head says

    My actions and words are the only things that other people will consider important. My Heart and thoughts are nothing no one will ever know unless I tell someone.

    The only one who Is suppose to know the hearts of men is God. So far I have not had a chance to have very much time for meditation or prayer. Maybe I need to practice

    I will continue to work on different sensory experiences. This is very important to me

    Everything from Eating, Music, Smell, Sex, Touch, Emotions, Sight and anything else i can access through my senses. There is nothing missing but things certainly feel different. My best recollection is that it feels as if my brain is healing on the inside and my body is growing into a new brain.

    Maybe my version of God answered my Prayers differently. To be able to have the ability , reasoning and desire to never reapeat behaviors that I am trying to get away from.

    In the future i will need to talk to someone about it. Sometimes it is good to reflect on things first. There is a time for everything.
    Davers likes this.
  14. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    The basic meaning of the Greek word ψυχή (psyche) was "life" in the sense of "breath", formed from the verb ψύχω (psycho, "to blow"). Derived meanings included "spirit", "soul", "ghost", and ultimately "self" in the sense of "conscious personality" or "psyche".

    It certainly feels like it is not my Psyche speaking. It feels very alien and strange. Nothing that could ever be apart of myself but rather something that is abstracted from things that I have plagiarized from other sources.
    Davers likes this.
  15. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I know this new brain voice of mine tries to inflate my ego . It does not hurt me nor does it alter my feelings but when I was first getting the first doses it seemed to put me into a spiral of delusional thinking patterns. Now I just ignore it or shake my head.
  16. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I tend to break things down more logically when I am healthy and sober. I can count at least 3 times in my life where I had zero adulterants in my system.

    So anything resembling a thought process that will connect to an error I will dismiss it before it even starts.

    It is easier but it certainly makes me resent something I cannot tangibly view as physical mass.
  17. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Plus for once in my life I have a job position which requires me to be very social to a wide range of people. Sometimes entertaining up to 15 people at a time or over a hundred through the day. This will not change a time soon as it seems to make me feel very complacent and easy going about what I do for income. Easy going
    Davers likes this.
  18. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    My Father seemed to fit the criteria for delusional and paranoid a very long time ago. The only difference between him and me is I do not allow it to effect other people and I am able to admit that I had a period where I had some very bad episodes induced by methamphetamine cessation and use. The paranoia has passed and I am not delusional nor do I have any beliefs I just simply do not care. I am going about life and try to think about things as logically as possible.

    I remember hearing my Dad rant on about someone poisoning him and he had no face to his demons. You could ask him about it all day long and you would never get an explanation. He also thought everyone was stealing from him or constantly watching him. It could of been the local government, police, or town officials.

    Currently I have no set of beliefs but have a interest in looking up psychology , conspiracy theories, other people who seem very ill and sick talking about things which I would never believe.

    It does not fit me. Even though at one time I might of had inclinations to feel oppressed I can look at the bigger picture. It will most certainly go away because I would rather choose life instead of a label.

    I will still inevitably seek more help when I need it . I will try to modify and make improvements upon myself . I cannot change or control anything except my behaviors.

    In the end what I believe makes no difference to anyone but me. Unless I choose to seek a wider audience or person that will listen.

    I really am indifferent and all I want is a healthy mind and body. Things are getting better and so far as logic dictates I will more than likely experience some sort of episode which I have to tolerate and get through.

    I will not change my thinking for any voices. They impact me and make me look up stuff pertaining to me getting better or entertaining myself.. but that is it

    My experience is no different than those who have experienced something different or similar .

    Life throws me so much information that I have to process correctly in order to have a healthy view of the world and to function inside of it.

    I am getting more information now through my own experiences than I have in the past and even if I do not currently like my situation I know that things will be difficult. I have no time to process all of the things that I hear but I can choose to ignore it and or process it into a way that works into my life.

    I have a new perspective and things make sense. I will cope with it and I will use everything to the best of my ability. I have no time for distractions ,

    I choose what I think about and what I do with my time. I will stay in reality as much as possible .

    I can even point out exactly when my brain starts towards grandiose thoughts. I am not special

    I know before it happens or the voices even says anything that a person is not really interested nor do they have an opinion about me . I simply do not care and I cannot read minds !!!

    Yes I have problems and I am not going to be in a delusional state of denial. I will always seek additional sources of information and change my old self into something new.

    I get it ! But I certainly do not understand everything. Life will most likely be easier but that is not a guarantee.

    Who knows ? I do not have any answers . My brain does not either .
  19. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    Challenges wise I have to overcome to many. Corneal dystrophy is a group of rare hereditary disorders characterised by bilateral abnormal deposition of substances in the transparent front part of the eye called the cornea.

    This might of been the cause of some of my recent eye and visual problems.

    The reason I choose to continue to post on here is because it is an outlet to put my thoughts onto something. It is a good means to forget and also let things go. It also has other uses such as a way for me to talk to someone else about it.
    Davers likes this.
  20. EndorsesJeans

    EndorsesJeans Community Champion

    I watched a YouTube video Today.

    Dr Grande,
    What are paranoid delusions .

    At one time I seemed to resemble each and every single clinical term almost identically .

    Not so much anymore .

    We all have a healthy level of paranoia and people most certainly have delusional thought process from time to time.

    I have yet to dissect every single one of my behaviors and choices. I most certainly will do exactly that ..

    I would rather have a healthy level of fear and paranoia than be a person who makes decisions without guilt, thought, regard, emotions or anything.

    Perhaps I am just as what I have been trained to do when I was trained and brainwashed :) in a religious group. To perfect and meditate daily and divert a certain amount of time to myself for higher purposes.

    Yes at some point it can be obsessive and compulsive. This will not change anytime soon. If my brain wants to comment on anything input that I am investing through my basic senses then it can comment or show me something that is edifying to my spirit.

    I have no desire to think about drugs, old friends, what others think. I have already done that and it got boring .