Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

I had another terror episode while sleeping.

It feels like a beam of light tried to literally knock me onto the floor. Like it could physically push me. The whole time I was praying to god that all of this would end soon.

In my dream :

I had a new house and me and Kathy where at a park. I had scored some free food and then a Native American came over whom was very hairy and tried to talk to her while ignoring me.

He then said that he likes to drink and get very violent . He starts chasing me and I am hardly able to outrun him.

I call 911 and I am almost able to get their attention. I am not sure if the location so I am asking near by residence what the address is and eventually I find Kathy and we go back to having a happy life.

I awake in terror shaking in my dream within a dream horrified. I am visualizing myself bringing veggies and carrots to work for a snack. My brain is disconnected from all things unpleasant because in my dream I was watching several people urinating and to me it seemed very disturbing.

As I wake up I feel a little rattled but not scared or freighted. My heart is not racing but my head feels a little bit like it got scrambled a little bit.

I will keep track of these kinds of episodes. Things are improving but this is the kind of painful tormenting stuff that I would not wish on anyone.

To me it almost seems like a voice was. Selling out my name trying to summon me. Jesse !!! Jesse !! Jesse !! Not relenting but wanting my attention and not allowing me to feel good about myself over my progress or my good attitude.

I am not allowing anything to take me down. Not allowing myself to abuse or use drugs. Not allowing myself to sit around and not be capable.

If I have to live with something that seems so evil . Then I will welcome it , Because compared to the amount of torment and pain I have gone through getting here there are no indications of me doing anything to trigger these painful terrors. They seem to only happen when I try to rest .

My Summary:

A very bad dream that made me wake up feeling like my head got scrambled. I keep seeing this bright intense light pass over my eyeballs and it almost is enough to wake me up. The dreams are very vivid but not as peaceful as the rest of my life.

I have been exposing myself to nothing alarming. The dreams seem more like they would want me to loose control of my physical body and mind plus be sick at the same time.

If a voice can guide a dream I am really going to have to invest into some guided meditations or maybe play Star Trek in the background.

They are interesting . I was also punching in a number on a vending machine and it was giving me free food.

I have stopped drug use

I have stopped Alcohol ( 1 drink maybe 2 a week , wine )

I am watching the foods that I eat.

I only watch pornography maybe 1 time per week.

This week I am working more and sitting at home far less .

I have 2 consecutive days off coming up on my birthday and Sunday.

It is getting warmer outside and My mood is lifted.

Things are more silent and prospects of alone time are coming up.

I starting to save money and should be able to afford my own house in a very short period.

I am doing light exercises.

My partners habits are starting to adjust themselves. I am trying to provide support and be present as I go through all of my stuff. She seems depressed but I have been engaging her more. My plan is to get her out of the casino and to a very safe place.

Our lives will eventually revolve around helping others and being healthy and happy . This is where I want her to be at .

If my brain has any brilliant things to say it can comment about how well I Dan change. I am not hairy like a monkey I expect it to work exactly how I want it.

In my dream I also saw old antiques. Being left inside a house that I purchased with money I earned. Maybe they are hinting at my current diet.

Life is getting peaceful though. I am making better connections and also more plans. Memory and overall interest is improving.

I could due without certain things that are out of my current control. Sometimes things seem so unnatural as far as being connected to my soul. It seems very artificial and difficult to swollow. I am not worried but that is my mindset.

My b day is on the 7th. I will probably end up doing something I enjoy alone . Maybe a small meal and a movie. Or a relaxing night.

All of my past friends are alcoholics. I cannot stand to be around people who are inebriated. It kind of makes me leave because I know that it brings out a non genuine changed personality with everyone. I have yet to meet a person that does not change when they use drugs or alcohol.

I am no different.

Last night really took me back to when I had the full experience of head trauma.

I doubt I could work or take care of myself very well with episodes that keep on hitting me. They leave to much of a deep impact. There is not a single doctor that can do anything to help me right now . Unless they need to have a talk but I have already talked and seem allot to know very well that I can do whatever I want.

My brain seems to be working just fine after these so called episodes but I doubt I can tolerate them for very much longer. It’s like living in a literal hell every single day.

At one time I spent years correcting thought processes and learning thinks pertaining to Christian Science. They equate my knowledge and experience to a person who has received 4-6 years in college.

I am not paranoid . I am not doing anything different right now than I would if I was not experiencing anything. And I simply do not care that much for what kind of beliefs or rants that I put on the internet. I would prefer to stay in reality and not have episodes that make it nearly impossible to go to sleep.

This is undoubtedly making changes to my brain and increasing my risk for Alzheimer’s and Dementia. I know enough about brain health and the body to know very well what I should do to make things work correctly.

I refuse to go into any institution as I am currently and never will be a danger to myself or others. I do not need medical observation to figure out what kind of medications I need and I certainly can get a good idea of how my life will be if this continues.

I will not have a fulfilling life that i can be proud of if I have another episode that even resembles what happened last night.

Oh well. All these things are just flowing off the top of my head. They are hardly ideas and not even thoughts. They are just statements that might be false or true.

Currently I have no desire or resources to see any professionals. I do not have to explain my story to anyone.

I do sometimes shift around in bed or reposition my body out of reflex to get away from a ringing noise.

It does not bother me nor does it really effect my behavior. It just makes life very hard and difficult and it is not anything that anyone deserves.

My disposition will not change and I will continue to live a life that I want to live with my new ailments that I can add to a list of problems I no longer think of as problems. Now I seem to very not paranoid and I just trying to get through a normal day with a normal routine.

It will not change anything. It is three and I have no expectations. It’s very simple

Last night in my sleep it felt like getting beat up physically. While I slept the only notion I had before things changed was the feeling as if I had been slapped out of bed a few times. Almost physically moving my body.

So far I notice that my head gets very cloudy as if nothing could remedy it or mellow it down.

It makes it impossible to smell and my eyes get a feeling of being very sensitive. They dart back and fourth while trying to close my eyes as if they are trying to relax but are trying to track something that is not there.

Thinking of investing into some lighting that is soothing during sleep. Something I can relax my focus on so they can relax or settle on something.

Hopefully those episodes continue to stabilize. I can only imagine that a person with periodic head zapping would have to get disability instead of work. I need a full healthy sleep cycle

But all is well through most of the days. I feel normal but it feels like my mind is wiped and memories are hard to hold onto.

This would pose as a significant impairment for anyone. I would of undoubtedly had a professionals attention but it would of made no sense to them clinically.

I accept it but still feel I can cure myself.

Did not take any anxiety medication today but I seem to cope well without it. It makes things easier but it still leaves me in a state where every day is a living hell.

The only thing I am greatfull for is my current ability

Yes I was experimenting with a wide verity of drugs for the first time over a short period almost on my own. MDMA and LSD. I stopped using them because of the after effects. I quit using meth and crashed out.

Besides having a vague recollection I remember only a few experiences when I could not get any peace in my head and hearing commentary (. Only afterwards ). The real trouble did not kick in until unexpectedly I had been sober for a few weeks or so and it showed up as a literal knocking I think ? It is foggy

The first time I interacted with it I thought a neighbor was talking to me through a sewer pipe under my house. This is all moot

Anyways , I rarely get upset and now know of healthy ways of demonstrating my irritations. I always got agitated in the past and kind of maybe stewed on it for a short period before just forgetting all of it and letting it go. Forgive forget . I had to practice most of this through countless hours of Christian Sciences and teachings. Along with study and brain exercises.

I still have myself up there in my head but I often feel like I am tormenting my own self.

I was normally never able to get mad and I have never really acted our person to person in a irrational way. I have experienced other people being impatient though.

I do not get upset I get anxiety. But I can feel things coming back to a degree. I do not expect anything or worry about the future anymore. My brain and emotions are more mature but I need to work on the healthy side of a good emotional state.

Not everything in the world is about what is happening in my own head.

When I deal with a person who is unpleasant and I am anxious I mostly avoid them. Not allot going on up in my head besides trying to gauge their reactions and comments. This person at work never says anything positive and always seems strung out. Even though I do not think about it I know that the old me would of found a way to appeal to his nature and find neutral ground.

You cannot get along with everyone and I am not thinking about it at all now. Just my run down of my daily experience .

It was a difficult day in terms of. I should be happier . I enjoy not thinking sometimes and day dreaming. When I get this part of me back then I know that I am getting my real self back.

I have showed both improvements and also none. Today it seems as if I am wiped out and not concerned about much . Maybe my comfort

No one expects anything much from me besides in my personal life. Not even my job is demanding. I try to communicate with people but do not know how to express much emotion until I see it on others.
The positive flip side is. Maybe I am doing something right at work when I am not being talked to or asked to do anything . Very basic , not a job for everyone though. I am competent.

Plus there is a higher level of maturity. I am still waiting for emotions to be more present.

I am not able to process any emotions at all right now. I will carefully look at this in the future and see what I do notice. I am usually self aware but I really missed this whole recovery process in terms of my emotions. I feel void of feelings but have a general happiness and outlook for others to do well and be happy also. I did not have this on the past as I was always focusing on myself.

I get it. I need more help than what a forum can provide .
I get my behaviors and why.
I get how I can control myself.
I get that I am a rational person.

I understand . I get it

Then I do not. I am not all knowing and we are not meant to suffer alone . I can rationalize all day long. Maybe this makes me not feel better.

I will make preparations for future progress naturally.

So yes I will make attempts to talk to other people.

I do know I get a majority or influence from our sensory input and that my medications prevent me from feel proper amounts of healthy stable emotions. This is a bad thing IMO

Especially opiates .

Anyways I am trying to not be to hard on myself because right now I have to heal and work through stuff. It is all I have time to think about so I will make attempts to explore outside of my own emotional constructs.

I can be influenced into feeling emotions I remember that feeling when I was really sick a year back or so. I remember at the same time trying to do more for someone other than myself or to contribute. It certainly felt natural .

I think I am reach the end result of some progress where I need to be.

I hate pain and as I figure out an alternative or a lower dose of this or that in the future I will eventually be ok. Taking a beating is not helping me at all.

Yes I do believe almost certainly that the brain is capable of multiple personalities and moods.

I can probably figure out what causes my current state and accept it.

Right now I feel like my body is taking the physical brunt of all the emotions I feel or am distracted into not feeling.

Of course the last time I was in treatment finishing a 30 day stint almost free of all drugs and substances. I remember feeling allot of emotions when I had a visitor come visit me. At the time I was probably very vulnerable and also selfish in what I was scared of.

I seem to emphasize some imports information in my so called process but it will be useless until I can get it.

All the things that I did do I have excuses for. I did do stuff that I was mortified by and I can process it correctly . I know I will not repeat some of this behavior again. Some behaviors I might repeat but I doubt I will experience anything close to where I was.

Anyone going through the amount of stuff I have gone through would need help. I can see myself being very vulnerable and jumping at the sound of loud noises in the future. I can also see my self very healthy and living beyond where I currently am right now.

Hopefully things happen for a reason. It will certainly be something I have to stay on top of for the rest of my life. I just feel tired but unable to get the rest and peace I desire.

Who knows I certainly do not have the answers but I am capable of working through it.

Usually people are like., Ok EJ, let me break it down for you so you can have more information first.
If they did not say that then it is probably what they meant.

At least the people around me seem way happier than they are previously. Not really knowing what I am going through unless they are in a similar fog.

Last night was even more peaceful as far as sleeping and getting a chance to rest.

I could be taking much better care of myself if I did not have to take certain medications just to make myself sleep.

Even though yesterday was horrible and I would of been hardly able to work and be successful in life I was able to get through a bad day. I do not have any sort of social anxiety issues I just have my own way of talking with people. My brain seems to have another idea.

I know I might sound paranoid or concerned about health issues but I had already been dealing with this in the past before going off the deep end with substance abuse issues.

I could probably tollerate how it was this morning. I am 35 years old and my brain feels perfectly healthy in terms of how I perceive things. My memory of events and recollections is not as good as it once was.

I have invested to much time into thinking about problems and how to solve them and it is probably unhealthy. Generally I have no worries or concerns at all. I am just trying to enjoy life and live completely different opposed to how I was.

I am not worried about people or anyone watching me or conspiring against me. I know that I have a particular person at work who is generally not pleasing to be around so I just try to be as polite as possible and avoid any direct confrontations. Why anyone would want to act in a way just to make someone else’s life harder is beyond me.

I can recognize when others are doing something I have no interest in. Such as sneaking off to a corner to share whispers or whatever. I can only guess that based on my perception it appears to be about something non work related such as drugs . I have heard enough drug references to know that I dislike people that talk about the stuff.

Because I know exactly what happens when you start getting into those areas. I would become instantly paranoid and start displaying inappropriate behaviors immediately. I just choose to stay away from people who I perceive as being mentally unhealthy or not capable. It’s easy for me to pick up on this stuff perhaps because I can spot it right away.

I keep getting a clearer head then what I thought was possible but still get spells where it is nearly impossible to have any amount of joy or wellbeing. Not in terms of thoughts but in terms of all my senses being dulled down and having pain in my eyes and above my brows. It almost makes it impossible to be around bright light or read very long.

I was able to take a short nap. Which was probably the first time I was able to lay down undisrupted for a very long time. Maybe even my perception of right now will be considered poor in comparison to future experiences.

I have probably dived into every recess of my brain by both natural and chemical means keeping very certain that I could back out if I chose to. Anything could instantly happen to someone as far as an illness or suddenly going brain dead and not a single person would really question why. Everyone else would continue to live on and be the exact person as they choose to be.

That is one thing that I lost is time. My brain is still here and I am capable of making any choice that I choose to make. I am now more aware of the states my brain can go into and I am more able to control myself 100% in terms of making any unhealthy and or compulsive action, thought , behavior , and activity.

It probably matters more to me that I feel healthy , normal, functional and able than it does to live a long life. I am certainly not the same person I was before I started using meth I am actually probably more resilient and less anxious.

I would hate to be any more medicated than I am right now. I have already been there and it is not even fun at all. I have met thousands of drug addicts in my life and I have yet to meet very many that seemed to even resemble what I have gone through.

My moods might change but I would prefer to stay not clouded. The only thing I can do to make myself feel better is get natural non drug doses of dopamine.

At least I know I am not doing anything wrong or right. I am just living and trying to get back to a state kind of similar to how I feel right now.

I will at least know exactly when things deviate. I need every bit of my attention and overall health.

Looking back, I am very surprised that I would make a effort to contact a old drug using friend, talk to him, plan to use drugs, purchase them and then relapse. I believe at the time I was in a compromised state in which I would normally call not normal.

I had gone almost 1 year straight without even a thought about drugs and then it all of a sudden hit me. Normally I could care less.

I will even admit that I try to and look at every string of possible thoughts and where they end up. If I start dwelling on drug use I will certainly have more thoughts over it.

I have been deleting programs that I record and censoring out certain material that seems to crazy to watch. This includes shows talking about conspiracy theorist making a schedule to storm Area 51 back in 2019. I thought the content resembles to many paranoid out of control people.

I am most certainly paranoid . I have a very healthy and rational paranoia level. I will always have the natural curiosity to search for information that is hard to obtain.

If it’s healthy or not I suppose no one will really know but me.

I am the same person I was before I quit using meth but I have made adjustments.

I am still capable of some of the things that I did in the past but I will certainly never repeat them. I cannot imagine having a brain that fluctuates and is not stable in terms of perception. I was not like this before but it has the added benefit of helping me make assessments.

I know I can do whatever I want and choose when I want. Nothing is stopping me. I can certain think about whatever I choose to spend my time thinking about.

I would prefer to be above average and better than normal in every aspect that I can seek to accomplish. Hopefully things get more consistent.

Currently it waivers. Brain will be clear and silent then loud and foggy. It really only messes with my perception , cognitive abilities , anxiety and positivity. I need a sense of well being and happiness once in awhile. I do not expect nothing and I certainly do not want any state of mania.

What I type might be different in terms of how I convey a feeling in person. It could be easily taken out of context. Kind of like my frequent figure of speech analogy of metaphors, hyperbole, and blah blah..