Sober Meth Addict Hearing Voices

I am a jump person sometimes when I hear random noises now. Especially is something clicks or makes a unexpected noise.

I was never that nervous and it definitely resembles PTSD. Which I had already from being in prison and only added to once I continued/discontinued drug use.

I seem to mange it well and suffer only from a few dreams and social anxieties which I need to work on in the future. A continued view of failure and not being able to stand up to my view of how I should be is something that held me back in the past.

I have talked to counselors and will make time to see one in the future. I can not think about living with this current disability for the rest of my life. Some people have to and maybe I have to accept it.

Eventually when I do see someone it ends up being a conversation that I view as, getting information that I already have. I always assume that they are payed and do not have the time to have any emotional investment into patients.

I would prefer to stay out of a loony bin and get help when I actually need it . I needed it long ago and need it now but it does not seem real enough.

Now that I am being more careful with choices perhaps I can have the luxury to seek help when I need it or treat myself with good healthy and a happy life. When does a person actually have that luxury ?

I do know I am in a delicate state and I have no delusions about my current condition. It appears to be almost like having my foot over a rattle snake , That is what my doctor Said. Can you move your foot and get it’s attention to bite you or step on it and risk it biting you.

I am certainly distracted to much to take a healthy view of what I need to accomplish. It seems not natural as far as what I was groomed for and taught.

I have a certain amount of information that I had to remember and recite in terms of emotions and the human condition. What is going on right now is pulling me away from any positivity. While it makes me maintain a positive attitude and want to seek positivity it dampens my ability to actually help my own self.

I got a small glimpse of a healthy view today but immediately chose to seek out my own pleasures and distractions. Also put a little emotion into uplifting a few people in my life whom I should care about.

I no longer desire to be in a state where I cannot get into that part of my brain. I would like to feel every ounce of empathy towards myself and others. Without a void

At least I am thinking more about it.

My current stance is.. Live life and bake myself better and others around me will definitely be healthier also.

I desire a sincere change of heart right now.

Since opioid receptors regalate mood and emotion, prolonged opiate use can have a negative effect on these functions. The reliance on opioids to manage mood can make opiate use disorder more difficult to experience. Opioid use may also have a link to mental health symptoms.

I know that my brain is capable of so much more than what is currently going on with or without my condition. I have already had a chance to go over most of my choices in life in detail and also avoid rehashing those thoughts.

For now I prefer to avoid anything that will go to a thought that resembles anything that is not sane.

It’s probably not that healthy but it seems that I would really enjoy a life and learn how to not feel inadequate if it was not for my own feelings. I am not different than anyone else right now.

I just experience life differently and have problems that I do not care to tell everyone about.

Ever since 2012 I have warned nearly every person I had a long conversation with about the dangers of abusing prescription opiates. Then Meth got into my system. Now the Meth is gone.

I will undoubtedly have pain, confusion, changes and experiences that I have no control over. I just wish I had gotten treatment for my anxiety with Depekote long before using meth.

Among other things I have only truly lost control of myself a few times and it was not pretty at all. I have found peace in my current condition. The choices I made where probably just stupid things that I thought would be interesting or would appeal to others.

I am probably ashamed of 3 things in my life that would of defined me and set me into a category that would of made my life forever incarcerated or publicly shamed.

It’s almost as if I did it on purpose and liked to seek out things that interested people that I was around earlier in life.

But there is 1 thing that I did not understand and that was a thing I will never admit to anyone. It is appalling and I did not catch my actions until I saw a reaction from another person who was crying because they felt compassion over something that was injured.

It’s like living in a perpetual nightmare. Something that I have to not think about just to make sure I am a good and healthy person.

If I could go back in time I would of never of sold and substances to people. I would of never searched the internet for stupid material on things that are unsafe , and I would of gotten help immediately following anything that closely resembled my previous behavior. I can blame this on drugs and alcohol but I think I had control all along.

I have remorse and compassion and I would do anything to change all that stuff. I feel guilty as if I had done something wrong which I have.

I suppose it is healthy to feel guilty about the behaviors I made. I just do not want to ever repeat them ever again. I know exactly what is right and wrong and what is considered so insane and crazy no one would forgive you.

I do believe I am sane and in control of myself at all times. I just wish I felt like I was forgiven. I currently feel like I owe a dept to people suffering through addiction and to America for not being the person I know I should of been.

It was a choice and I need to get myself as much help as I can possibly get. I need to rehash old behaviors to someone just because I will never allow this kind of stuff to happen again.

This guilt is perpetual and perhaps humans are not meant to be chronically medicated and dulled down. I feel inferior to others and I have many feeling about how my life should be in the future.

It is part of the process that I am experiencing and I will be apart of something that will show the direct opposite of the character traits I exhibited.

At least I am not a sexual deviant nor do I have a demented personality. I just had at one time a sense of humor and would troll the internet for people so I could get a response from them.

When I look back on my past when I was younger I was bisexual and eventually grew out of that. But I suppose I have been tormented into not even wanting to think about anything of that sort unless there is a healthy emotion behind it.

I am not confused but rather I use this as a template to type random thoughts in the hopes that I can alleviate and also come back to some of these topics in the future if I feel like it. It is possible that I spent way to much time being around people who where unhealthy and also I had to learn how to moderate my chemical imbalances the healthy way .
I do feel guilt and I feel almost persecuted sometimes. Though I tend to look at it like an illness where I will do anything I can to ignore it all together . I do not acknowledge the fact that I am a victim of anything .

But if I was looking at myself from an outside perspective and all the things I tried to research in life I would of immediately had red flags going off about the sanity of this individual.

People can change and forever get away from things that they despise. I know what is right and wrong and it took a very heavy bolt of lightning to strike my head before realizing (. Wake up ).

At least I did not hurt anyone and at least I had things happen that made me stop my old behaviors or seeking out drug material and trying to gain popularity by pushing it onto others.

Trump/America currently views any person selling drugs as criminals and if they do sell drugs it is possible that they will suffer for a very very long time.

Sometimes I feel mistaken and feel as if I am being punished for that reason . I will even admit it

But I know the process that a therapist told me to work through. Listen to my thoughts , process them, set aside time to meditate, think about how you affect other people.

In light of all of this I have never thought about other people and how I should live a wholesome productive life as much as I have I. The past year.

Setting aside those literally useless behaviors for something that will make me happier. The desire to see other people happy is something that I will dedicate my life to once I have a chance to focus more on myself.

Tips I following know I am thinking about my family and the people around me. It has been a very rough 8-9 years for to many people I know.

I certainly could of made their lives better and made some very good memories. That is what life is for most people , A bunch of memories both good and bad. My perception of how things should work in life has changed from what it was since my old neighbors first moved in . That it what I call the time period anyways.

2 people moved up here trying to be as friendly as possible. I was starting to do relatively well in terms of finding a new place in life. Then through my neighbors persistence he offered me meth while having drinks 2-3 times before I finally took the bait. I the one to blame for the choice but i place a certain amount of resentment of the effects a person can have. It was nothing but bad from the very beginning and some people are not immune from the average effects of other people who are very unhealthy from top to bottom. This is myself included

I suppose I can vaguely recollect my subconscious talking to me right before the start of orientation at my old job. It is foggy but pieces of my past are starting to break through.

I have a 1 goal to accomplish and it means taking care of things that will help with my self preservation. Probably of myself first and then others should follow and it I will have a new set goals to help them.

My dreams are starting to severely soak into reality. I can barely remember them but they are causing some issues as far as being happy, healthy and productive.

I am almost 100% positive that no living person would ever want to inflict that much damage or harm onto another living thing. I have never gone through the amount of torment and worries than I have since I stopped using drugs.

It takes allot of courage to wake up every day and try to be around people and also be someone who is healthy enough to be around.

Hopefully it is my brains way of waking up. Because I hardly think nothing of it instead of getting back to a healthy routine and changing every single behavior that has ever put any kind of guilt upon my sub conscience.

Last night I had a dream about a Teacher whom I had who died a few years back. He died of lung cancer and was one of the greatest people I have ever known.

It feels like such an unnatural process that I doubt I will ever get better. I know I do not deserve it and I know I am not paranoid .

I will continue to fight this demon until I can gain control of my inner self. Whatever happened has turned me into a shell of a person.

Some days I try very hard to remain positive.

Are there people out there that even care about how much drugs effect others and how much pain people go through even in the very early stages.

I cannot take anymore . It feels like my body and brain fails me some days and it is miserable.

It certainly does feel like something else picked and chose everything from my life and wanted to give an opinion or not allow me to have the freedom to enjoy it.

I certainly do not want to be like this.

I have met thousands of recovering drug addicts in my life and I have seen nearly all of them live happy lives after years of abuse only to keep their minds and be better than I am.

I am and forever will be not doing anything that will give me any guilt. If I could make a plea to my brain to stop I would ask it to help me.

I have been getting better nights but last night as soon as my best friend came home and she came to bed I had what felt like a blind my light in my left eye. It has a very painful impact on me psychologically.

I can feel parts of my head healing but sometimes it feels so much worse than it was. If I try to flip over or move my brain will perceive the sensation on the opposite side. Like if I am laying on my stomach.

So I have things to think about. My version of reality cannot be cloudy then semi clear. I suppose I get a little delusional when I have a semi good day.

I will already have significant medical problems to deal with when I get a little bit older. I cannot even imagine having an end of life transition that resembles this.

I am not morbid or anything but I know how my body is and feels. Even without what is going on right now I would of needed a facility or treatment to help me manage my medical events eventually. Adding this to the plate right now does not give me fear so much but a very sour and young look at mortality.

I will do what I can to prevent this from happening to someone else.

People are very cruel in this world but not cruel enough to make someone feel guilt and also shame about nothing particular at all.

If my illness has to do with guilt and shame then I will accept it. Hopefully though it gets no worse than that.

One important note I will stress is . While hearing non audible voices it mostly sounds like nonsense. Sure I could listen to the start of phrases but my brain just cannot fill in the end of what is perceived as being shouted at me 24/7.

My only hope is to try yet another form of medicine. I am very against and careful about taking pills and substances. I do take plenty of things that help with vitamins and brain health. Including non medicinal methods like CBT.

Even if I was doing very poorly in other areas I would undoubtedly see improvements even if their was a marked decline if some kind.

I have pain all over my body all the time and added to this I am mentally tormented. I could easily assume a very solid positive attitude and maintain a disposition that is healthy. I do not feel oppressed but I do know that most people with any sickness will likely feel held back or trapped. It is not a irregular feeling for me to have fear. It is making me appreciate more things and be patient and not fear the unexpected.

If it was to get worse and I over stated my symptoms I would probably be ok. I just cannot stand having yet a very new cloud to deal with .

I could still probably seek an education if I was healthier. In my current condition though people around me rely on me heavily for support and I will do what I can to help them. But it will be harder and more complicated for others than if I had never had anything like this happen to me at all.

I am very indifferent. You can only see a doctor so many times before it is paranoid. I suffer from being worried about my health and not doing much about it. Now that I am it is harder to gain progress.

It effects everything that makes a person a person. It takes any connection or feeling to a higher power. It seems to attack every possible fear and relationship.

But I will not submit to self sabotage. Whatever is happening right now will take its course. I will have to deal with it and receive help.

I will continue life in the best way possible. Without letting any paranoia get to me. I would never feed any paranoid thoughts so I keep my mind very centered and blank.

But still something that I cannot explain seems to want to dig in and cause as much chaos as possible. The sickness will most likely get better and I will never accept that I will remain forever crippled.

I will have a attitude and do actions that will make me feel without a doubt someone who has earned not to be persecuted by anything.

Just as I was prior to messing up I was someone who tried to support suffering addicts. Volunteered my time at various events and places when I could. Had a schedule which I was very happy and content with.

There are plenty of productive people in life who have bad pasts that are now very well and able to reform every behavior.

Currently we have issues in America with mental Illness , Crime, Health, Drug abuse and other things. I am very aware of what our current president thinks. Since I live with someone who is a very good influence as far as being a productive stable and adding member to society... Well she usually helps me contribute or makes me aware of the state of things.

I will do my part. But there is no reason I have to suffer through it. On a level of behavior or criminal thoughts I have Zero for a very long time. My sense of humor has changed and I almost cannot laugh at anything I once did.

People take mental health illnesses very very seriously right now. If not then they are making very extreme efforts to change that. I think my instincts tell me I will be mostly ok.

And yes sometimes I wake up and need an outlet to get this stuff off my head and into another form. I will usually forget all about my bad night or episode as soon as I type it out in my own way.

I am on the opposite side of the fence. I will choose a healthy level of paranoia. People can give me a label and I will not submit to it.

I do know when I experience paranoia that is overwhelming my body goes into overload. I short circuit and become physically anxious and have zero thoughts in my head but having a instant rational thought. These thoughts are usually very natural and not well thought out. Example . Someone at work is thinking.. Normally I do not even think of that stuff at all but if I even think of 1 thing that a person would think my brain immediately goes to “ Just exchange pleasantries and be polite “.

I have never been one to start trouble or conflict until during and after meth use. Of course unless I was trolling people on the internet which I no longer do. It is a waste of time and I found it amusing that people would take things so seriously.

Now I just use the internet for things that are pleasant. Or good.
I even have a few things that I plan on eliminating so I can be blameless in that regard.

I only watch tv shows which I consider healthy forms of entertainment. Some are to immature or out there and I can find better things to do when it gets warmer.

I will certainly be more busy than I am right now. There is a part of me that feels like my illness is very un natural. I have experienced things , researched them and have let it go. Most people take time to recover after meth use. I am still recovering currently .

I will never blame anyone for my illness but myself. But my brain repeatedly says statements like We like to, We think.. Very condescending. I do not think about it or encourage it. What I type is not necessarily apart of who I am. Maybe it is interpreted differently then how I would explain it to someone else. People will fail to find meaning without a person being present and having the context of any conversation.

Without a person they will never really understand what my experience has been. Or just like part postings people might get confused and see it very differently.

What I type and write is not exactly how I think and feel. Or who I am.

I am certainly not an author .

I just now told someone else about the full extent of what I was going through and when I remembered it starting.

She told me that she had not heard me describe it like that. I described it as my subconscious mostly tanking all the time not really in a negative way. That it is almost as if someone is screaming at me. When I do hear something that might resemble a bad subject I just talk to myself in my head and it will over ride whatever is happening.

Luckily I am still able to move around . Yes she had made the comment of looking up the symptoms on the internet and you cannot really find any report of someone hearing something that is this unrelenting. Especially with the side effects that I experience such as sensitivity to what feels like someone shining a flashlight into my eyes or the side of my head while trying to sleep . I really could care less to go into that many details but I tried to.

A doctor will have a very simple explanation and probably do another brain scan with blood work. I had previously had this done over a year ago and nothing had came up.

I am not anxious or worried about it. I certainly have better things to do. It effects every aspect of my life and certainly resembles what I call being tortured. That is how it feels anyways .

Also very unhealthy and not encouraging at all today. My own thoughts and actions are not even closely resembling the amount of things that I think I perceive to hear.

At least I can tell the difference.

Perhaps it will take more time for my brain to get better or get worse. Either way with medicines involved or anything else there should not be to much of a difference in symptoms. I had already gone through a process of taking and trying various medications and methods of CBT. Plus switching up my daily routine and being more productive.

The few things I have not tried is to hide from it. Which I do not even think about. It is mostly background noise that effects my mood and attention. If it was anymore erratic then I would certainly not have a job.

Things should improve .

Today I felt severely impaired as far as feeling well. I do know that I forget mostly what I hear through each day. I can hardly recollect much of anything unless I try to write it down.

After I took 8mg of buprenorphine I started to feel slightly better but was physically nauseous through the day.

This is what happens when I feel that sensation of a beam hitting the side of my head. Almost as if a flashlight is hitting me and I can see it through my eye kids.

It felt as if half my brain was lighting up. I will have to remember these episodes because they seem to be getting better yet sometimes worse at the sane time.

If I was not on any opiate maintenance therapy and Xanax it would make things easier in terms of seeking treatment. But it also alleviates physical pain and head trauma.

I feel fine mostly and I just try to live and not think or worry about things. I might tend to think about stuff and type it but that certain does not mean that I dwell on it all day.

I can see my life being hell in the future if this continues. I normally would of been very concerned and worried but now with my brain not acting right with my body I just live through the pain and try to use the good times when they come.

Thank you for the encouragement. It had been a very long and painful process and I have not gone through the hardest part yet.

I know for a fact that in my future I will be bed ridden and unable to hardly move. This is inevitable

Ever since taking buprenorphine it has both helped me and trapped me. Once I added meth to the mixture it sent me to places I will never go again.

The brain cannot handle meth, opiates, benzos, other pharmaceuticals and alcohol.

Now I take a very strict regimen of medicine. I take supplements and drink tea / green tea.

My diet is better and I avoid impulses to eat unhealthy foods. Sometimes though I do grab junk food in the middle of the night for pleasure.

I need to get more pleasure out of life and try to do it the most natural way possible. I thought things had been kind of bad before now after meth they seem really bad .

I was consuming way to many drugs and would buy as much as I could when I had a chance. Usually I would do a little bit and give 90% if it away for free . Or I would flush it down the toilet only to be craving it the following day.

Yes and just now it almost hits me like I am crazy sometimes. I projected an image of myself with emotions and I appeared to be in a glass box. After that I was sitting in a chair trying to bring up some deep emotions about crying because I desire to tell people how I feel.

I was a very emotional and sensitive person at one point. I think I am learning new things about myself every day but I need to stick to reality. I want no part of hearing anything but the world and what I can feel in a healthy way. Feelings before I try to accomplish anything .

This is my mission. Among many on my process to heal. I believe that if I do not get significantly better that I would rather be inside of a institution to get every ounce of help I can get than feel not in touch with myself.

I need to talk to people more and focus on how I actually feel. This will not be easy but I am currently trying to figure out life. Hopefully this is So called Science , Universe and Gods way of telling me to check myself before I wreck myself. To many distractions are bad and I will regret the lost time one day. I already do

I certainly do not want to appear and act strong. Or manipulate myself into thinking differently. This is a state I need to have no part of.

Tonight I have a very positive dialogue going and it seems to make everything very silent.

It’s like an inner voice which I just activated and hopefully my goal is to see if this attempt helps. Who knows ?

It seems like a very quiet low in all this crazy mess. I cannot explain it logically but perhaps my normal self is sparking io those old pathways I shut down.

Another Mostly silent night. I just used a positive inner dialogue and decided to project myself into situations with good positive emotional states. I also did the same with incidents that could of happened if I used drugs or decided to make a certain behavior.

This morning has been silent but it often feels like a fan is slightly blowing across my brain. I can feel the tingle of something I cannot explain and sometimes I will even shift positions automatically to get away from it.

I do not have any paranoia besides being sick and not competent. Those feeling should resolve with confidence.

At least it has been a long time since I have consciously thought about any criminal behavior. Last time I really had a thought of my own was when I relapsed and had a strong desire to purchase a drug again after my relapse. This only lasted for a very short period of time.

When I was peacefully sleeping I woke up to something I hallucinated as a noise of screaming. I had an instant visual of a person in distress and it kind of made me feel depressed, scared, and lowered my confidence level.

At least I know for sure I am in control of my own thoughts and actions. Residual stuff that pops up sparks anxiety or worries.

I have a larger problem with being paranoid about my own health state than my own thought processes or behavioral patterns.

When I drift of to sleep I had some imagery of someone trying to get in a car followed by some profanity. I have never been a person to swear. Maybe it is a stress reaction ? I often have this happen as I am just about to doze off. Nothing disturbing or interesting.

It almost seems as if something is trying to spark the potential for thoughts I would never think about
But then it ends up cutting out or changing into something good. My mind is normally void of anything besides doing things that make me happy, help others or keep me produttive.

I think I know the difference between something that is suppose to be there and something that is inspired by my own process.

I have never committed a violent act in my life until I had a run in with my father over a year ago. I had just cane down off of meth and we where both agitated. I knocked him on the floor and remember hardly anything from that whole year besides the things that caused hallucinations. I Remember more of the hallucinations than I did life itself. I remember being able to just process the information and lay it to the side almost as if someone was just screaming it at me.

Maybe I get sensory information differently now. Early this morning I heard a voice say that my cat had a animal in its clutches.

Upon inspection I got up and my cat had indeed caught a white ferret.

I actually do not think of anything as far as delusions really. At one time when they where new to me I felt a sense of injustice and did the clinical description of trying to seek a means of telling a authority figure.

I am not manic but just feel either up or down.

Even if I experience audio hallucinations it certainly does not mean I am paranoid , manic or bipolar. My experience might be totally different.

I have gone through this stuff in the past. It is simply a chemical imbalance that can be adjusted as I heal from the awful methamphetamine side effects.

Of course sometimes I might think of a delusional belief but only for entertainment.

Reality hits and I get shocked or scared it puts me in a painful catatonic state. I had been semi use to feeling highs and lows but it was a direct result to my own unhealthy habits. Good sleep , diet, exercise would have normally solved all my problems. After that it is simply a matter of proper medication and CBT therapy.

It’s not that complexed as I made it sound but I have a unique way of expressing thoughts through writing. Since I enjoy this method of venting a thought or feeling and not really thinking about it again I will continue to do exactly what I am doing.

Outside of going to work and watching a few movies tonight I do not have a single obsession or thought about anything much other than entertaining myself. The content of that entertainment at one time was drug related and unhealthy. Now it is spinning in a new direction.

Same at work. Hardly distracting auditory hallucinations are minimal to the extent that I can forget all about them. Hopefully this theme will follow me home into the night .

I do not know what others think of me unless I ask or they tell me.

I can day dream all I want without any problems. This at one fine was my one and only fog that I had. As far as listening and sitting in a classroom I could easily daydream. I remember doing this as a kid. No bad thoughts just things to entertain the brain. Music , Ambitions, Goals or maybe lifting my own ego up.

Today started relatively silent when I got to work and it progressed towards being a little bit irritating.

If this is something I have to endure for life it would certainly make things more difficult it terms of anything enjoyable.

I will always have compassion and understanding towards people who are ill or sick as a result of what I have gone through. I cannot change anything but I can attempt to remain positive and not push trouble onto others . My problems