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Son involved with an addict.

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Teresa, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. Teresa

    Teresa Senior Contributor

    Not even sure what topic this should be posted in , but "need help right now" seems the most appropriate. I have recently learned that my 18 year old is seeing a 29 year old who is supposedly getting clean. She was/is a heroin addict and was a prostitute! My son is not currently working, lives at home so I don't see what the heck this woman wants with him. I have given my son a choice of ending his relationship with her or moving out of my home. I am considering sending him to family in Puerto Rico. This is a kid who was always a good kid and having seen the discord caused by drug addiction within the family..his father, uncles, and brother. I am worried, shocked and heartbroken..also angry at the moment as well as embarrassed! He claims he felt bad for her and wants to help her but as far as I am concerned he is heading on a path of destroying his life! besides the age difference, the whole drug addict, prostitution issues are just boggling my mind that he would even consider a relationship with her.
    Joseph likes this.
  2. missbishi

    missbishi Community Champion

    Your nerves must be in shreds right now. The thing is, if you start telling him what to do, he'll just do the opposite - he's still a teeenager after all. Sending him away might destroy your relationship and could even prompt him to run away. There is only usually one thing that 18 year old boys want from a relationship and she obviously provides it. It might just fizzle out in a couple of weeks, teenage romances usually do. It won't be long before the intrigue wears off.
    musicmonster and Teresa like this.
  3. Teresa

    Teresa Senior Contributor

    I hope that is the case, that it will fizzle out very soon. I have taken him to the doctor for testing for sexually transmitted diseases as well as drug testing. I have asked him , just a few minutes ago, if he would consider going to PR, he said NO. So sending him the by force will just lead to him returning on his own ASAP. I have learned she has warrants and I have told him if she does not turn herself in by Monday. I will turn her in. his response was "don't do that! She will take care of it!" Destroying my relationship with him may be a risk but I feel that separating them is more of a priority right now. his older brothers have tried to talk to him and he now wants no association with them.
  4. hellonamesdana

    hellonamesdana Senior Contributor

    I completely understand why you're so nervous and upset about this situation that your son has put himself in. I know that sometimes kids think that they fall in love or find this great person and they ignore the horrible things about a person that others see because of how much they are in love or in lust with them. He will hopefully learn very soon and hopefully he will come to his senses, and hopefully for the time being she at least does not relapse or get him into any amount of trouble.
    Teresa likes this.
  5. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    I am feeling you on this one Teresa.As a mother you have every right to be concerned about your son,he's after all just 18,barely out of his teens yet.From your son's perspective,and i could be wrong on this one,he see's someone he can relate to given your family history.He probably sees himself as someone who can offer help to that woman regardless of her past and i feel you should try to offer guidance to your son and not to rebuke him or give him ultimatums.
    Teresa likes this.
  6. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Teresa, you laid down an ultimatum to your son. That's the first push for your son to head out the door on his own to a place you probably don't want him to be. The threat of turning your son's friend into the police is the second push. If you don't want to lose your son you may want to think of other avenues that are not going to push your son out the door. He has already distanced himself from his brothers.
  7. Janie

    Janie Active Contributor

    That's a hard one, I feel your pain. But I wouldn't destroy your relationship with him in hopes you can break them apart, that could just drive them closer together. I would consider "cooling off" your attitude about this. He already knows how you feel, and you don't want to lose him. I know that may be hard. But as a teenager he needs to know his mom is there for him, even if he makes mistakes. I'm not saying you should agree with what he is doing, but just that you shouldn't constantly fight about it. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice. I wish you good luck
    Teresa likes this.
  8. Teresa

    Teresa Senior Contributor

    I can see everyone's point. I definitely don't want to drive him closer to her. I can also see him having a "I can help/save her" mentality because I had that same mentality with people. Supposedly she is planning to turn herself in. Will see if that's true, I hope so. Her parents are all for the relationship, their view point is that he is the first decent guy she has been with, so no help from them in discouraging the relationship !
    MrsJones likes this.
  9. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Good. I'm glad we could share different ways to help think things through. The bright side is that her parents see the good in your son too.
    Teresa likes this.
  10. Mackmax

    Mackmax Active Contributor

    I completely understand your shock and distress. There are so many things wrong with this that I don't even know where to start. A grown woman who is nearly 30 should not be seeing an 18 year old boy that I'm assuming is still in high school since he lives with you.
    However, considering he has seen people very close to him spiral into awful addictions, it isn't completely strange that he would see a woman who has addiction problems herself. He may see one of his brothers or uncles in her. Also, since he is a good boy, he is probably very good at seeking the good in people, so perhaps he sees something in her that you just don't see. Or maybe he is seeing something that isn't there.
    Keep your calm, though. The more you try to push her away, the more you push him away since he is with her. I'd calmly let him know exactly what he is doing, as he may not realize the risks he is taking and how this could be a ticking time bomb ready to blow up in his face. Try to see where he is coming from while also expressing your point of view.
    Winterybella and Teresa like this.
  11. Teresa

    Teresa Senior Contributor

    I agree that feeling you are in love can blind you but when i asked him, so you love her? he didn't answer right away and then answered "No" so I asked then why are you with her , he answered " I don't know, I felt sorry for her" BUT after that he says if I am going to force him to not see her he will just leave! I'm done talking about it with him for now, just going in circles and I appreciate all the advice and am trying to now remain calm and talk calmly without giving ultimatums but its hard to not get angry while talking about it.
  12. orangesunset

    orangesunset Active Contributor

    As a parent sometimes all you can do is just stand back and be supportive. If you pressure him too much, he might rebel against you. Don't force your son to choose between his parents and his girl friend.

    Hopefully your son has been educated about the practical things in life. Maybe have a close friend or relative talk about the need to use protection when having sex. The biggest problem with Heroin addicts is they often share needles and are prone to HIV or other diseases. If your son is using protection he is pretty safe.

    I am confident you have done a good job raising your son and he will cone to his senses. When guys are young we do stupid things. Just give him time to come to his senses.
    Teresa likes this.
  13. LitoLawless

    LitoLawless Senior Contributor

    I'm a big believer in beauty being in the eye of the beholder. Maybe he's seeing goodness and beauty in her that other people don't notice. I believe that people can change and we all deserve the chance to. That being said, I can understand your concern as a mother, but I think it's extremely important to let him make his own choices and learn from them. He's only 18 so he's still growing and he's old enough to ask for help if he needs it.
    Teresa likes this.
  14. calicer1996

    calicer1996 Community Champion

    I know how hard it is on you. But, don't sail away in emotions. Think clearly. Why did he do it? Ask him out. Sure, he wanted to help her. But is he in love with her? You know, love knows no limits. Anyone can fall in love. So, instead of being rude or angry, talk him out. Tell him your reasons for your disappointment and get to a solution!
    Teresa likes this.
  15. musicmonster

    musicmonster Senior Contributor

    The is true. The more you put rules or tell him what to do, all the more he'll do whatever it is that he wants. Awareness and educating him on the situation is still your best bet. Understanding him and showing genuine unconditional love might actually change his decision.
    Teresa likes this.
  16. Teresa

    Teresa Senior Contributor

    From all the talking we have been doing, it seems my son got involved out of sympathy, but regardless of the reason. He has told her this morning that she has to go and recall her warrants and get fully clean, not as she is doing now, which is buying suboxen on the street as a means of warding off withdrawal symptoms. He also went and spoke to her father and told him that she is doing the suboxen and needs help to get into a legit rehab. she was crying but agreed. So will see what happens from here. Some one mentioned the risk of needle users contracting Aides, this is something my son is painfully aware of because his uncle contracted Aides through needle sharing and died from Aides, his uncle also transmitted Aides to his wife before he knew he had Aides.
  17. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    This is great to hear, Teresa. Your son has let you know just exactly what he was doing with his friend. I pray there is some peace is this for you.
    Teresa likes this.
  18. Betterways89

    Betterways89 Member

    That isn't good that your son is involved with an addict. I would say act fast and don't be overally angry. This will just lead to rebellion and your son refusing to listen to you. Tell him that you want him to stop seeing this addict. Also, mention that you love him and don't want him to get hurt.
  19. Teresa

    Teresa Senior Contributor

    He understands my reasoning for not wanting him with her. He agrees with my reasoning, he says his intent was not to start a boyfriend girlfriend relationship but to help her out because he was/is sympathetic to her situation.
  20. OhioTom76

    OhioTom76 Senior Contributor

    Based on what you described, I would be more worried about him catching STD's and perhaps getting used for money if she herself is an addict currently. I don't know if I would necessarily worry about him becoming an addict himself if he's reaching out to her to try and help her rather than because he's interested in the drugs himself.

    Maybe give it some time, as young as he is it's only a matter of time before someone else may come into his life who catches his eye and he moves on from her. Or she may just burn out on her own and disappear. Not to sound mean, but often times drug addicts can be flakes and just lose contact with people unexpectedly and you never hear from them again.