An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

Sticking Together

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by gracer, May 5, 2015.

  1. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Probably one of the most influential factors in an addicted person's success of reforming is the support of family. I've seen families with an addicted loved one and those that showed support and patience succeeded in helping their member change.

    Sticking together no matter what the odds gives an assurance to a person undergoing reformation that he/she is not alone in the fight for sobriety. Family is where people usually get their strength from, especially if the ties are really strong. So if you have a family member who's struggling right now, just reach out your hand and guide him/her through the process of change.
    light likes this.
  2. CHelms

    CHelms Member

    easier said than done. Its not that easy. I've tried everything I can think of to help my husband. I've shown him love, kindness, patience. But I can't wait any longer. I'm bitter, angry, upset, frustrated, and just pissed off. I gave him an ultimatum and either he goes inpatient monday or he's getting divorce papers. I can't take it anymore. I've lived with him for 14 years where he's on/off drugs and in/out prison/jail. I now have two young kids that don't deserve that kind of life. My son is now 4 and my daughter is 2 and nothing has changed with him. He wants to change but he can't wait to get his next fix. I'm sitting here depressed not knowing what to do. So mad that I just want him to leave and never come back. There is hope. I've never lost hope in all these years. The only reason I'm still here putting up with all of this is I have hope. I've seen the person he can be sober and he is worth waiting on. I just don't know how much longer I can put up being with the addict waiting on my husband to come back to me. I wish it was so much easier but life is never easy and I have to fight for what I want. There's no easy road here.
    gracer likes this.
  3. DCMY

    DCMY Member

    You are right it is hard and I really admire the fact that you still have hope. It's a difficult situation and staying together as a group is crucial but you need a lot of people to keep an addict busy. Sounds like you're in a really tough situation. Best advice I can give you is to do what's best for you and the kids. Hopefully he will realize how wrong his actions are when he sees the consequences of his lifestyle.
    gracer likes this.
  4. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    I can sense the greatness of the pain you're feeling right now. It's really a tough situation and anyone in your shoes would easily give up and leave. But you have one thing that you can use to hold on and stick to the fight. As long as you have hope you will always find strenght to stay with your husband. I also hope your husband will finally come to his senses one day.
  5. Sarah15

    Sarah15 Member

    It really is so hard to do, and as an alcoholic, I am finally learning about and realising just how painful and destructive my actions have been on my loved ones. At various times I have frustrated them to the extent that they have stopped speaking to me for a time (thankfully we are ok again) and now that the fog of booze is no longer clouding my judgement, I can appreciate their plight. When I was drinking, nothing they said or did could shift me - all I could think about was my next drink, sadly.

    The thing is the addict has to reach rock bottom and really hit the floor before they will be able to come back up again. It may be that it takes the threat of losing you and your kids for your husband to see this, but I'm afraid to say that until he does, he won't do anything about it. It's a very sad and painful truth, and I hope he realises what's happening very soon.
    gracer likes this.
  6. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I agree with you OP, sadly not many people can enjoy of the support of their loved ones. Some people are left alone when it's know they have an addiction problem, specially in certain cultures. I've heard some really sad cases of people who had to deal with this alone, of course some of them actually drank/used until they died. When I think of that it breaks my heart.

    Being a former addict I know how important it was for me to know that despite all those bad decisions I still have the love and support from my mother. It made my day, actually she was my main motivation to quit for good. I knew she trusted me and was expecting me to be a sober person (she's been sober for years now). It took me a while and relapsed several times, but the fact she stood by me was what kept me going.
    gracer likes this.
  7. kylerlittle

    kylerlittle Community Champion

    I do know for sure doing it is much harder than saying it because it's a bit difficult to love others in their situation sometimes, but we need to know we all suffer and nobody is perfect and sticking together is the best we can do in this life. It might cause an addict to stop because he knows he's loved and he doesn't need a substance or alcohol.
    gracer likes this.
  8. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    @Tremmie You're very lucky to have your mother beside you in all your troubles. This proves how great and unconditional a mother's love for her child is. I'm glad that you were able to change through her help and support. It really helps to have a strong and stable support system for an addicted person.

    @kylerlittle Thank you for pointing out the importance of sticking together especially as a family for someone suffering from addiction. You're right in saying that a person can have the possibility to change if he/she knows that someone is there for them, patiently waiting for the day that they finally realize how wonderful life is without addiction.
  9. smartmom

    smartmom Senior Contributor

    When a person is addicted it is very hard to stick with the person because they will steal, lie, cheat and all of the above to get what they feel they need. Yes family should stick together and if possible think about some type of plan of action to help this person. I mean these people make everyone they love want to hate them but I am sure that sticking together will help. Sometimes we have to separate ourselves though but we still try to show the person that we love them. I mean we just can not allow them to continue to pull us down.
    gracer likes this.
  10. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    That's right! :) Let's not allow the addicted person to continue pulling us down but instead let's pull him up to where we are. In literal sense, the act of pulling up is harder than pulling down because of the force that you have to exert in pulling up. Gravity makes it easier to pull a person down than to pull a person up because you're going against gravity. Same is true when we interpret it with addiction. An addicted person can easily pull down his loved ones, family members or friends because of the gravity of giving up. It is far easier to give up on someone who's addicted and just leave him/her behind. It takes a lot of strength, courage, patience and understanding to pull a person out of addiction and those are the forces that will help you outweigh the gravity of giving up.
  11. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    A family no matter what will always be a family...If one member of a family becomes successful or had great achievement the whole family are the first to be thankful and proud of them...If one member of a family suffers from a bad state of health the whole family are also the first to worry, take care and to find the best ways to heal them...This is also the same thing if a member of a family had been into any addiction. Love, care, understanding and support by the whole family is also needed during this crisis in their life. Never judged them but instead stick together as a family and let them feel they are not alone and their family will not abandon them but instead will be with them all through the way to their full recovery. And also ask guidance from God...A family that prays together stays together...
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2015
    gracer likes this.
  12. light

    light Active Contributor

    I agree with you @gracer, support of family is essential in such a difficult battle an addict is facing although it comes a moment when patience of family members ends. An addict must be strongly willing to become sober and not resign during his recovery process. Family will overcome it’s difficult period only if an addict will accept their support and will resist his or her temptation fall back again into the dark path of addiction.
  13. 6up

    6up Community Champion

    We need to show addicts love and be near them, that is only when we can help them to get out of drugs. We can invite them for meals and then have a word word of prayer, after meals. We can also ask them if they can accompany us to church or when we go shopping.
  14. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    I've lived amongst addicts most of my life and one thing I learned from this is that sticking together never is easy. Drugs make people do stupid things. They may say and do things things which will offend people or hurt them [either emotionally or physically]. Things which apologies can't fix. When that happens relationships in that family never can be the same . . .

    That however isn't a bad thing. All relationships evolve. Should an addict be serious about battling their addiction then their families no matter how much they've been hurt by the addict, should be wiling to stand by him/her. That support and the fear of losing everyone they love should they fail will give them [the addict] the motivation they need to fight against the addiction with enthusiasm.
  15. LinB

    LinB Senior Contributor

    There's no doubt that what you're saying is true. Family support is potent. Sometimes we have to stop being harsh or rough for a moment. Instead we can show and non judgmental attitude and a forgiving the heart no matter what our addicted family member does. This will allow them to trust this more.
  16. BreezyB0412

    BreezyB0412 Member

    I met my (now) husband when I was 18 & he was 25, I knew from the moment I met him that I loved him & that he needed help. I don't know why I felt such a strong pull towards him, but I did. He was definitely an addict when we met, his drugs of choice at the time were alcohol & opiates. He had already been to rehab for cocaine & methamphetamines. We were together for 3 year before I had finally had enough, so the ultimatum was given, either go to rehab or I'm leaving. It was a heartbreaking choice I had to make because I loved him but something had to be done. He left for rehab the next week & I was so relieved. It was a hard few years after that, yes he was sober but it's hard to adjust. Trust & hearts had been broken while he was using, I still felt resentment towards the person he used to be. In a way I even missed the way it was while he was using, that was who I fell in love with. It's a hard process. A REALLY long & hard process.
    I'm proud to say that my husband has been sober for over 5 years now. The last 3 years have been the best of our lives.