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Still love my husband so much

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Alwaysloyal, Oct 6, 2020.

  1. Alwaysloyal

    Alwaysloyal Member

    My husband started smoking meth in 2018. But let me go to the beginning of our relationship. When I met my husband he was using crack. We were together about 10 months, 6 months living together, including his dad, when his dad passed away, who had been using crack as well. My husband quit crack. We got married about 10 months later. Sometime, either before or after we got married, he got hooked on painpills. It took me a long time to figure that out. He has always been a alcoholic too. His use of painpills got real bad and he was not a nice guy when he was drunk and high. In 2016 his job got moved and he went over the road. His painpill usage got worse and worse, to the point he used his whole paycheck buying pills and I had to use my credit cards for cash advances to pay the bills. I worked also. In December of 2017 he came home for 2 weeks to get off painpills and alcohol and he did, on his own, no outside help. My husband has amazing willpower, I don't understand tho that that willpower can not keep him of drugs. He quit both and he went back on the road, he actually went to another State and worked there, staying with a old friend of ours. In May of 2018 he started smoking meth, he had to hide it because our friend is against drugs and an older man. During all this time, his abuse of painpills and alcohol, my attitude towards him changed. I even thought I didn't love him anymore and it showed. We drifted apart. He still showed his love for me and he always wanted me to go with him when he went to town. I stopped going because his driving was very scarey when he got mad while high. Fast forward 2 years. I was with my husband at our friends house and he kept going to the other house, where a young woman lived with her 2 kids whose boyfriend had passed and my husband was fixing the porch steps. The house was on the same property as our friends house and he stayed there till 2am. After about 3 days and nights if this, he told me that he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. I said for me to go home and we will see but he doesn't think so. I asked him if he was having an affair with that woman and he said no. I left and about 6 weeks later he came back home. I found out then that the day after I left he was sleeping with that woman and about 10 days later he had moved in with her. While he was here for 12 days, he slept in our bed 1 night. The rest of the time he slept in his truck in the shop. Yea, pretty sure he was smoking meth while he was here too. He cleaned that whole shop while he was here. We had a couple of ugly fights too because I found out he was still talking to that woman. One day I asked him why and he said because if it doesn't work out here, it's the only other place he has to stay. I told him that it is not working out here and that he needs to pack all his stuff and leave and never come back. He refused to leave and was worried if he left to go to town, I wouldn't let him come back. He said some evil things also, like he was thinking about burning down this place but then I did something that made him think that I am not such a bad person afterall and he decided against it. This was not my husband. My husband was a kind person, a happy person, unless he was drunk and high at the same time but mostly he was good and kind. This man that came home for 12 days was evil. Meth has made him evil. Three days after I kicked him out, the day after he said he had thought about burning down this place, he got a phonecall for a job, back in the State he had been. He was packing his stuff and I made sure he packed everything and he left. While he was packing, he told me to throw everything that is in the house that belonged to him away. He knows me well enough to know I would never do that. And I am thinking he ment for that stuff to be here, so he had an excuse to come back. I packed everything in the house and made sure he took it with him. I told him that he is never coming back. He said I guess I'll have a trespassing charge on my a__, I said I guess so and if you bring her with you, she will go to jail. I should mention this house and land is mine, I had it for 9 years before I met him. Anyway, while he was packing everything, I was real ugly to him, to make him mad. He asked why we couldn't be friends? Are you kidding me? You are leaving me, your wife to go live with another woman. No I will not be friends with you. I continued to be really ugly to him. I made him so mad, that he charged me like a bull, but he was sure to leave his hands behind his back. He charged me and ran into me and knocked me to the ground. I laughed at him. When he finally left, this huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. I was actually happy and I realized how depressed I had become because of his drug abuse and alcoholism. He has been gone now for 3 months and I miss him, not the ugly times we had and I am not looking at our time and marriage together through rose colored glasses. I miss the man he was when he wasn't high, when he wasn't drunk or both. Btw he hasn't drank a drop of alcohol since December 2017. I love my husband, I pray every day for him. He and the other woman got evicted from the house our friends owns for not paying the rent and smoking meth because she started smoking with him. I asked our friend to let them stay there until our truck got repossessed because it is in my name and I wanted to make sure I could tell them where it is. He did that, he waited and 3 days after the truck was picked up, he evicted them. They broke up, supposedly but they are still seeing each other. It's all so crazy. She is living somewhere and he is looking for a camper to live in. He doesn't pay any of his bills. The last time his credit card was paid was when I paid it. He got a loan, knowing he would never pay it back. He is going right back into the financial mess I found him in. Before he went back to her, he accused me of treating him like a child, saying that nothing is in his name. I own everything and all he has in this house is a corner in the bedroom. I told him that it was not my fault that he ruined his credit by not paying his bills when he was younger. That he has nothing as he put it, not me because he used and always has used all his money to swallow it (pain pills and alcohol) and before we met other drugs. I don't understand how he can say all he had was a corner in the bedroom. I have the other corner for my personal stuff. All the rest of the house was ours. All the other rooms we used together. I am lost on that one. Guess it is just another excuse to blame me for his unhappiness so he can justify using drugs, at the moment meth. Meth is evil. Meth turned my husband evil. I think about our time together and I ask myself what's wrong with me? Why do I want him back? Am I that stupid?? Why, after everything he has done?? Why would I want him back? He or she, blocked me on his FB, blocked my number and I am good with that because I can not interfere in God working on my husband. So here I am, still loyal to him, still have his back. I won't let anyone talk bad about him. I know what he has done and how much it all has hurt me and our (his) son. I pray to God that my husband gets off meth and for once doesn't go to another drug as he has done for the past 25 years of his life. I think the only drug he hasn't used yet is heroin, so I pray that Jesus brakes those chains and I pray for her too because she lost her children for using meth again, since she had been on it before. I pray that if it's Gods will he brings my husband home. As much as I love him tho, he can not come home on drugs. No drug, whatever drug you can think off. I can not and will not do that anymore. Some days this pain of missing him is as bad as the first 2 plus months after we seperated, before he came back for those 12 days. And I feel guilty that I couldn't keep him clean and sober. I know it is not my fault he is using meth. I know he has a addictive personality but on some days all this really gets to me bad. His son moved in with us when he was 8 years old. I raised him like he is my own and he is now in the Military and I am so proud of him. He always always calls me with any news or just because. He calls me mom. I told my friend I always thought I was ment to save my husband and I failed. She said maybe it was his, your son you were supposed to safe and you did that, he is a good young man with a good job. Idk, all I know is that I still love my husband and I wish he would find his willpower and the strength you can only get from God and get off the meth. Even if he doesn't come back. I want my husband to be drug free and have a relationship with his son. I pray she gets off meth again also, so she can have a relationship with her children and her family. Well I better end this because I am about to cry again because my heart hurts for my husband.
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2020
  2. Sidmon

    Sidmon Member

    I am so sad to read but this is an impressive story. I admire your strength. It hit me too while reading it because I also have been in a toxic relationship. She was drug-addicted and an alcoholic. I really tried to help her, but always was the same ending, and I was tired of all of it and left her. Please don't judge, it was our decision. After that breakup, I met a girl with who I talk every day. I made a does she like me quiz, and the result was as expected. I told her about my feelings and she answered in the same way. I am an example that good things can happen.
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2021
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator


    Childish Bullsh*t i cant even respond
  4. Bullwinkle

    Bullwinkle Community Champion

  5. Bullwinkle

    Bullwinkle Community Champion

    I've been observing this family dysfunction for going on 5 decades, beginning with my family and extended family. What help me and some others in my family was Al-Anon, CODA.

    https://al-anon.org/ https://coda.org/