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struggling. seeking support.

Discussion in 'Methamphetamine / Meth' started by jordanfield, Jan 17, 2017.

  1. jordanfield

    jordanfield Member

    I am a 21 year old female choosing to begin a journey of sobriety. I realize I gain nothing truly beneficial in life from abusing alcohol or methamphetamines. I use them to alter my emotions and thoughts, thinking it's benefitting me in some way. But it's not. It's hurting my body, brain, relationships, and also my bank account. Im trying to stay subtle about becoming sober.. for instance instead of saying "I'm not going to use anymore" , I am saying "I'm going to give it up for now and experience life in a different way" . Since age 14 I've never been clean. I've always found it undbearable to stay stone cold sober. Felt like a bleak life when I wasn't buzzed. I absolutely know the sense of accomplishment I would feel by PUSHING myself to become clean, and to actually be able to say "I did it" will be the best thing to ever happen to me. I always say I know I can be whatever I want if I try. Problem is I never try. I am going to try sobriety. I am going to take it one day at a time. I am not going to be weak and give up. This is my test of strength.
    Only thing I'm worried about is the people I will lose. My best friend who uses, My dad, mom, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins. I am dreading the loneliness and hurt I can picture already from losing the people in my life because our values will be different. I am scared. I am alone. That's why I'm writing this in a forum. Maybe someone out there who reads this feels the same as me
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @jordanfield... Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing with us. I'm proud of you for making the decision to get clean and sober; that's a courageous first step en route to a happier, healthier life. So good for you for making that choice.

    You're right: using mind-altering substances doesn't really benefit you in any way. You think you're getting something great out of them, but in the end substances just wreak havoc on our bodies and lives.

    Your approach sounds like a good one. Be subtle. Take it slowly. One day at a time, or even one hour or minute at a time if you have to. Just keep taking steps in the direction of sobriety. Even baby steps will eventually get you to where you want to be.

    You may want to consider going to support meetings, too. AA, NA, or SMART Recovery (12-step alternative) have all helped many people get and stay clean and sober. There's something therapeutic about being among a group of people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. At least I think so.

    As far as losing people in your life... That may be the case early on, but it doesn't necessarily have to be the case forever. A lot of people who get clean and sober are able to eventually resurrect relationships they had to give up when they first embarked on their recovery journey. As time goes on, and you learn to live a sober life, being around those people may not be triggers for you. But your sobriety should always come first. (I'm curious: Can you not be around your family because they drink?) Also, you will find sober friends to be around and those new friendships can blossom into forever relationships.

    Getting clean and sober isn't easy, so it's perfectly normal for you to be scared. But know that if you commit to recovery, your life will improve exponentially. Yes, recovery is hard work; but it's so incredibly worth it.

    We are here to help and support you any way we can, my friend. So please don't hesitate to reach out and lean on us anytime. Whether you have questions, want advice, or just need to get something off your chest, we're here for you. We care, we'll listen to you, and we will never judge you.

    I'm sending you lots of positive, clean and sober vibes. And big hugs full of hope and encouragement. You can do this! I know you can! And we're behind you 100 percent.

    Love and light to you. :)
  3. jordanfield

    jordanfield Member

    Thank you for replying! Wasn't really expecting a response from anyone so it was a pleasant surprise.
    I wasn't clear about why I feel I will lose the people currently in my life. To answer your question, can I be around my family because they drink and use drugs? I truly do not know with certainty how it will make me feel. What I do know is that all my familial relationships do in fact revolve mainly around substance use. That is how we choose to bond with one another- get high or drunk together. As unusual or inappropriate as it may be. By taking substances out of the equation for me, I truly feel there is no backbone to these relationships.
    I know we could rebuild a new type of relationship by bonding over new things, but that is a double sided effort, they must be willing to rebuild as I am.
    I truly cannot predict what I will be ok with as far as my environment. If I visit my mother and she is pouring and taking shots of vodka, it's possible that will be a trigger for me.
    I think the best thing in my case is to try to avoid situations where I can see drugs and alcohol. I know it won't always be easy to avoid those situations though
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @jordanfield... I agree. The best thing for you, at least for the foreseeable future, is to avoid situations where drugs or alcohol are present. If that means detaching from your family, so be it. The most important thing in your life right now should be getting clean and sober.

    You can do this. I have faith in you. And we're here to help you however we can.