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Substance abuse husband

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by 10yrsin, Sep 21, 2016.

  1. 10yrsin

    10yrsin Member

    After being with my husband for 10 years I have reached the point of this, the point of being so lost and desperate I reach out to you for advice. My husband has a substance problem that is affecting our family greatly. I am going to give birth to our 2nd son in 4 weeks and I find myself awake at night hoping I don't go into labor at night because I would have to drive myself to the hospital because my husband has been under the influence since he got home from work. I understand when a man gets home from a long days work he wants to kick his feet up and relax, but my husband drinks beer as soon as he gets home, sometimes even on his drive home, smokes weed, and drinks more. He claims it's to relax and unwind. His behavior is unacceptable when he is under the influence and I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. We have a 1.5 year old boy who keeps us crazy busy and with a newborn on the way I fear my husbands after work actions won't change or may even worsen. He verbally assaults me asking what the hell I do while he's at work, well, I raise your son, carry your unborn son, run our landscape business that I built from the ground up, cook,clean blah blah blah...... but apparently it's not enough.
    I have not reached out to anyone about my concerns, this here is my 1st attempt. I understand many people go through this and even worse. I just don't want to waste away and have his actions effect my 2 boys. The fact that his sole concern is getting beer no matter where we are is frightening. I need him to focus on his family and not his substance. What do I do?
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @10yrsin... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through with your husband, but I'm glad you found us and reached out for help.

    Loving an addict is incredibly challenging, and if you allow yourself to become addicted to your loved one's addiction you will both suffer greatly.

    Al-Anon teaches that you didn't cause your loved one's addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Sometimes it's hard to remember that, but it's so true. It doesn't matter how much you want your loved one to change; they are the only one who can do it. If he doesn't want to change, you will likely be spinning your wheels in this relationship for a long time.

    If I were you, I would sit down with your husband and have a heart-to-heart talk. Tell him about your concerns, for him, for you, and for the children. Explain to him why you feel the way you do. Be open and honest, and talk with love and empathy instead of anger.

    The bottom line is this: If he wants to change and is willing to get the help he needs, maybe you give him a chance to get clean and save the relationship. But if he doesn't want to change, I think you'll have to seriously consider walking away. The main thing to remember is that YOU are the most important person in your life (along with your kids, of course). Very often we lose sight of that and do things that are painful because we don't want to hurt someone else. But you have to look out for yourself and your children first.

    You may want to consider finding a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting in your area and attending it. Being amongst others who know exactly what you're going through can be very comforting and helpful. Counseling may be very helpful for you, too. And you are certainly welcome to come back here and post anytime you'd like. We are here to help and support you however we can. You are not alone, my friend.

    I am sending you positive vibes full of hope. Remember that you matter most of all. And don't be afraid to take the steps necessary to make YOUR life happier and healthier.

    Love and light to you.
  3. 10yrsin

    10yrsin Member

    I GREATLY appreciate your feedback. I don't even know who you are but your words hit me hard. I have kept this bottled up for 10 years so it is refreshing to hear I'm not the bad guy for once.
    I have tried countless times to sit him down and have a heart to heart conversation about the topic, but it sadly goes no where. He gets SO mad and turns it around on me. He then blames ME for his addiction and that I am the problem, when I'm just trying to help and get my husband back. They say that the first step is to admit that you are an addict, deep deep down he does know he has a problem, but is so quick to blame others, he wont take responsibility for himself. We get in huge arguments that end with me taking our son and leaving, he then apologizes and the next day he convinces me that he'll not drink that day and admit that he knows he needs to cut back, but it's all just talk because he ends up spiraling down the same slippery slope over and over and over again. I'm sitting here thinking about the last day I remember that he was not intoxicated by some sort of substance, sadly it was almost 2 years ago after the birth of our son. He went a surprising 48hrs without anything, granted I'm sure the level of sleep deprivation and trauma from birthing complications kept his addiction at bay. But before then it had been years.......Probably 5.
    I don't want to be the pathetic wife that just waits and waits and hope that he changes, because I have been waiting long enough. I honestly thought that the birth of our son would be a wake-up call for him but that didn't happen so then I thought maybe him turning 30 last month would be a wake-up call for him but that didn't happen either so maybe the birth of our next son in a month will be a wake-up call, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
    I'm not one who has ever experienced addiction. I'm satisfied with my bland diet and my cup of black coffee in the morning, call me boring but that's just me. I understand not everyone is like me, but it seems as though I married someone the complete opposite as me. Am I being to hard on him? Is this the male norm and I'm just being over dramatic? It's hard to know for sure, as if there is this exact answer to my problem. Thank you for listening
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @10yrsin... You're very welcome. I have an idea of what you're going through because my son has struggled with addiction for more than 10 years. He's my son, not my spouse, but I think I still have an idea of the difficulty you're experiencing. I know it's not easy.

    For what it's worth, I don't think you're being too hard on your husband. Not at all. You deserve to live a happy and healthy (physically and emotionally) life. If your husband is preventing you from doing that, that's just not fair. And believe me: If he continues to behave the way he's behaving, it will not be a good environment for your kids to grow up in. You have to think of you and your boys and what's best for the three of you.

    You can reach out and lean on us anytime you'd like. You are not alone. And remember: None of this is your fault, no matter what your husband tries to get you to believe.

    Big hugs to you.
  5. 10yrsin

    10yrsin Member

    Thank you. I'm going to keep trying for the sake of my kids, but I now know what difficult decisions may be in my future.
    deanokat likes this.