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Tapering off Subutex and Valium

Discussion in 'Opiate Withdrawal Treatment' started by Josh111187, May 10, 2018.

  1. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Hi, I'm Josh and like and idiot I took too many of my prescription pills and was running out early. This led me to freaking out and posting the thread Help me please!, and then Valium running out!...I was terrified. Anyway a couple people were there for me everyday as I needed it thank you dominica and true concern. Anyway, here I am back healthy and on my normal daily dose of meds. Which are 2mg Subutex generic beuprenorphine, 2X a day: 20mg Valium generic diazepam two 10mg tablets, 2X a day 10mg every other day as needed. So 4mg Subutex 40 to 50mg Valium daily. I also take 15mg Remeron generic mirtazapine before bed to help me gain weight. Before going further this is the least amount of medication I can take and not be sick at one point I was on 32mg Suboxone and 120mg Valium plus my neighbors Xanax about 8-12 mg day. I washed this down with a pint and a half of vodka and a 12 pack of cheep bear daily for I don't know how long. After I overdosed on Christmas morning last year as the kids were opening presents I was hospitalized and went inpatient I have been out for almost two months now and am presented with a choice between staying on this "maintenance" revenue for life or tapering slowly off outpatient. I think I can do it. And I'm going to starting today may 10 2018. This thread will update and let people know how I am getting along who are considering this themselves. And by all means please help me if you're already there and can give me advice. I believe my struggles can help someone and if I can help just one person then praise God! Thanks wish me luck, Josh.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Josh111187 hi josh! great you posted a new thread! and i'm so happy that you're doing better.... you are truly an inspiration!

    reaching out for help when you need is some great advice i can give. have some "key" supports in place (professionals, family, us, etc.)

    and great that you'll be sharing your journey for all to read here. share the good, not-so-good, scary, victories, setbacks, and everything! that can prove valuable to others!

    rooting for you josh!
  3. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    So I told you I would update you daily, but I feel I should tell you about something that happened last night. Remember when I said that I was on the minimum amount of medication I can take and not be sick? Well that's true tot the point that sometimes I'm not even very comfortable with this dose. After I posted yesterday I was cleaning my room up really quick before I put my son to bed and turned in myself.
    Well I spilled something on one of my favorite books and got really aggravated. That was it I wanted to use. But no big deal I have moments where I want to use all throughout the day. When I bent down to wipe up the spill I saw a rig I had taped to the bottom of my aquarium stand. Ok so now I'm feeling like using and just found a needle I had forgotten about. So I tell myself instead of taking my night Subutex orally I'll inject it. So I can use the same amount so I don't run out early but still get high.
    Fast forward ten minutes or so I had passed all the notes on the walls and mirror and bathroom door reminding me not to use. So I'm sitting there with a now loaded rig tied off and trying to come up with a reason to not do this. Ther were a million and I was ignoring them all. Well then my phone beeps and I see that its just an alert from dominica. I reread...still don't know why my phone alerted me after I had already seen it...the post and remembered why I was here and why I was doing this in the first place. The great people on this site can be a wonderful support system. Thank you dominica, I did not use and squirted the solution under my tongue and took it sublingualy.
    Please take advantage of every tool and resource to help you get or maintain clean living. As I learned last night even if you are the most determined you have ever been to do right our will power to not abuse,as addicts, will be tested.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm proud of you, @Josh111187. You fought off some intense pressure and didn't give in. That's progress, my friend. Hope you got rid of that rig, too. Also, hats off to @Dominica, because she's a real gem. We're lucky to have her around here, for sure.

    Keep moving forward, Josh. We believe in you!
    True concern likes this.
  5. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    So I just got back from th er because I got a spider bite turned out it was a brown recluse on my big toe. It started causing necrosis fast and this scares me. Anyhow I got treated and will be well in a few weeks.
    However I have to take antibiotics which always make me through up. So I was prescribed promethazine for nausea. A true vet opiate user knows this precipitates the agnostic effect opioid have. So I now have to ignore that and take as prescribed. When I get scared and anxious it makes me wanna use. Yesterday I wanted to because I spilled something,now this bite. The truth is though if the sun comes up in the morning then that's a good reason to use. For me anyway.
    My point is that no matter what happens if I use again then I probably won't get another chance. And if I don't stop this addict mentality that I can surely do something to feel better then I'll never break the cycle.
    As I write this my hands are shaky from cravings. But I went back and read a journal I started when I was first detoxing from heroin and Xanax,and whatever other cocktail I was drowning my brain in, and when I realized how God saved me and how far I have come I was able to push through and not abuse anything or go get dope. I don't know how long these cravings will last but at least I'm craving. That means I'm not using.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Josh111187 wow, a spider bite! that is crazy! so glad you are doing alright. sorry you are struggling some with cravings and anxiety.... I do think the cravings decrease over time.... so as cliche as it sounds....

    hang in there!

    so glad you are here in the forum and sharing your ups and downs. that is part of the journey... the roller coaster of life actually.

    rooting for you and here if you need.
    Josh111187 likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Josh111187 i just found this thread and i must say i am proud of you my friend and i don't think you can do it,I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.At time's thing's are harder than other's and well it's called life,there is no exception to the rule we all have good day's and bad day's but it's what we do with our struggle to better ourselves and where possible help other's that will in the end define us.I won't carry on to long here as I'm off to an NA meeting which is important to me because i need to work on myself in real time,not just cyber time so to speak.However you are indeed doing great and the fact your being open and honest is a HUGE step in the correct direction.Stay Strong and God Bless you
    Josh111187 likes this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Indeed she is
    Indeed she is a real Gem.Spot on my friend take care
    Dominica and Josh111187 like this.
  9. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Thank you for the vote of confidence. Your right I am doing it. God is guiding the way. I'll tell you what though, listening to the doctor and not abuse anything so I run out early and feel just like I'm dope sick sure does beat being falsley happy every day.
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  10. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    So, True concern, you asked me last night for an account of how my meds were coming along.
    I wanted to give some detail but had to get my son back in bed so here it goes.
    Also keep in mind I don't see this addiction specialist until the 23rd of this month.
    Right now I am stabilized on 4mg Subutex, and by stabilized I mean I still have a runny nose and the occasional chills and cold sweats. But those are the only symptoms and bearable. I tried to go to three, probably too large of a jump, and felt like I was in full blow oxytocin withdrawals after slamming about 160 mg day or more and stopping cold turkey. Vomiting, severe pain,hallucinations, the whole nine. So back on four for now.
    As for the valium I'm on for sure 35mg a day sometimes 40 if I must. At this point my main focus is to be on the lowest possible dose and function. This is hard however as I have epilepsy and was why I started on benzos to begin with.
    I did try to go to 20mg on the valium the same time I jumped to3mgs on the sub, so maybe that's one reason my WDs were so severe.
    I'm looking forward to speaking to this doctor face to face. Over the phone he told me to just keep everything where it's at.
    So other than the sniffles and recovering still from the shock I went through of abusing my scripts getting high for a couple months and then running out ( I dislocated my jaw when I had the seizure and fell in the Dr office), I'm Josh again. I feel good and it feels good to have my parents and son look at me with joy rather than guarded suspition, kinda like a corner of the eye glance if you know what I mean.
    Also instead of typing someone's name how do I just attach it where I want and,it appears in blue so people can just go to it. I'm doing all ofthis on my phone. Don't know if that matters?
    True concern likes this.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Josh111187 hijosh. Hit the @ sign to tag someone. Great that you see the doctor soon. Im sure he will be able to help you. So proud of you.
  12. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Josh111187 to quote a wise man "Keep doing the next right thing" and indeed it sounds like you are and i am glad to hear that.Man you know I've been alone for the better part of 3 year's now,stuck in my head trying to figure this out by myself and i to do this on my phone but for the longest time I refused to try and reach out on it because well year's ago i was noticing thing's about technology you now hear about on the news,like the Equifax information data breach as well as the suspicion of other thing's,anyways basically i didn't trust the internet is what it boils down to,and really still don't but i changed my mind one day when i saw my oldest grandson and i was sober for awhile and had not seen him in month's and after talking to him for a few hour's because i was concerned for his well being as he has been diagnosed with A.D.H.D. and at 13 the Dr put him on 27mg of time released Ritalin and my stepson who still won't talk to me and knows how it effected me didn't stop him from taking it,i found out through the grape vine my grandson was saying he wished he was dead after a month on it and told my wife to let me talk to him and she arranged for that to happen,he opened up to me because i shared with him my story and he said "they make me think to much,i think my mom and dad fight because of me" oh fu×k no i thought,im not about to let my grandson live my life.So after day's of talking to him he stopped the meds and my wife arranged for me to be there for that process to help him emotionally as his mind was just Spun and we got him through that and he goes to Christian school and as i was leaving he said hold on,he ran to the room and came out and handed me a shirt with a verse from timothy in the bible and it read "God gave us a Soul of Faith not Fear"and it broke me down to read it and i knew at that moment that this was one of those mysterious ways the lord work's in so after reading that my mind had a little fog fade and i decided to go on the internet and search something not even related to this site but yet this site was at the top of my screen.I actually threw the phone down and started pacing as i do often from the A.D.H.D.i imagine but after about 45 minutes of this i picked the phone up and hit the link.At that time i started reading,sharing,advising,etc but i was in intense emotional pain and crying like a baby because these stories were so personal and so real,i felt compassion that eluded me for year's and some where in all that this wonderful woman is posting great thing's all around the page's im viewing and I'm reading them and i sent her an inbox asking about being a community listener and could i get her opinion on whether or not she thought i would be good at it,well she never replied on that specific question but what she did was read between the lines and went around that and offered me something different,not directly but she through her word's helped to guide me into a better place spiritually and emotionally and though i don't know her personally I know if anyone deserves a happy mother's day it's her.So I apologize i carried on again but this community has made me feel not alone,like family and I'm grateful for that so that being said "Happy Mother's Day" @Dominica i don't know if she has kid's but if she does they have an amazing mom.Anyways Take Care and God Bless you All.Stay Strong
    Dominica and Josh111187 like this.
  13. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Hey man I'm alone s it gets I lost my fiance three and half years ago.
    Let me start over, honestly at the moment I am quite emotional myself, truth is I've been crying like a baby and picked up he phone cause I just wanted to talk to anyone. That's when I saw your reply to my thread. I'm so glad I did and I agree with you 100% with everything you said.
    Having said that the reason I'm upset is because I wanted to use so bad. Man I give people good honest advice about drugs and drinks and every reason to not do it, but I still crave that feeling you get when you know that was the hit that did it. That rush or euphoria whatever it is...I know it's not really real life, but once you feel it you can't unfeel it.
    I've also been hospitalized more times than I can remember because of drugs and chasing that Dragon.
    I've also experienced withdrawals I can't put into words. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy-and I can be a mean sob, a character flaw that I'm working on.
    Knowing all of this why do I still crave that feeling you get when you drink and drug. I've lived the consequences you would think that it would be way for me5run away. Only nother addict can relate to me here.
    At his very moment here is my situation,because it is mother's day my son left with his mom. He gets back in exactly 2 hours. Now one reason I have custody of my son is because I live with my parents and they are very blessed to live in a very well off upper class area. Something I could never afford. My neighbor three houses down got rich selling dope, says he doesn't anymore but I know different.
    So I'm sitting here sweating just thinking about walking about2 miles down the road to where I used to buy all my heroin and get slammed before my on gets back. The addict in me is saying you can get away with it just get a few adderall while you're there snort em and fight the nods. You can get away with it before your son gets back.
    I m praying and crying and shaking and not making any of this up. I'm ashamed of myself but I'm being honest something the high Josh would never be. But I just wish I didn't have to struggle so. I know I'm not gonna do it but its like it's still an option and omg I've only got an hour and a half now and my mind is racing...like I said only an addict can understand how I feel right now. I am due for my evening dose of valium maybe that will help.
    I'm gonna keep praying and just wait for my son I just needed to get that off my chest as this is a major battle for me nd I don't open up to anyone very much.
    Last edited: May 13, 2018
    True concern likes this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Josh111187 man i get it i truly do and you can't be to hard on yourself,you are doing the impossible and fighting back with strength you have to reach for and i admire that and to try and help other's while your still suffering is very very hard and can overwhelm you before you know it,so maybe slow down a little bit on helping and do what you did here and get sh×t off your chest.That urge the craving the thought you can get away with it is just a fabrication of our addiction and really it gives insite to how hard you are struggling because we are adults not kid's so get away with it from who?I'm not moking you so please don't take that wrong i have thought the same sh×t and really just recently I started thinking about some of these things myself and actually sometimes my thoughts try to convince me in my head and i will say out loud to myself"Who you trying to convince"and sometimes people look at me like I'm crazy but i could care less because if i can call myself out on my own bullshit let them look is how i feel,I was feeling down the other day and i read "ask,believe,and then you shall receive"That message slowed my roll it's exactly what i needed to hear.So I think being honest and open is the best at least for myself,i don't care if i cry a bucket full and people point and laugh because that helps me at time's and i am human so laugh your ass off lol.Anyways brother sorry it took me awhile to respond i was on my 4 mile painful run that I'm now not addicted to but i need it...I guess that's addicted lol sh×t anyways it helps keep me going,so if you have time type me some more I'm here for you man release that sh×t.Stay Strong and God Bless
    Dominica and Josh111187 like this.
  15. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Thanks. My son is here now and that makes it easier because I know I don't have the opportunity to go and use. All in all I have found with me at least that helping people seems to be one of the few things that keeps me sober. It reminds me that I have a purpose and also I see a junkie and or talk to them and remember hey man that was me a few years back. But you are right it does take its toll on me.
    I volunteer at the safe house homeless shelter where I used to stay. A lot of people ask me why would I ever want to set foot in that place again and it's for the reason I just gave.
    I am far from recovered though even some people don't know what I've opened up and shared on this site... I do harbor alot of pain. All sorts of pain because I've wasted half of my life up to say December of last year. Hurt because I can't drink until I blackout and forget how much damage I've done to my family. You're the first person I've ever told anyone this but my boy is eight and he knows I had/have an addiction problem. I've really held myself down even though I've been getting high better for the fast few months than ever before. My son told me the other day he was gonna wait until I was better that's how he put it better, to tell me this.
    He told me when he was six he would come to my room and hold me and tell me that he loved me and he said that if God knew he loved me so much I wouldn't die. That made me break down and bawl like a baby. I hate myself for putting my little boy who I was blessed with through that. I told him how so very sorry I was we had several long talks.
    As far as he's concerned it's all in the past and he now thanks God for saving his daddy from the devil. Those are his words. I'm crying now. I love him so much I think sometimes my anxiety comes from the fear of letting him down. There's so much more where that came from but I know every person has their own equally important story. Thanks for liistening to some of mine and I'm here for you too anyone who reads this I'm a shoulder to lean on if you want it.
    True concern likes this.
  16. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I'm glad your doing better and your son obviously loves you and i know it's hard man but you got this.Stay Strong and God Bless you Both
  17. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Josh111187 hey there. I am glad you made it through mother's day sober. And you being here honestly sharing matters. I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I do understand emotional hell. Been there. Just keep trying... and doing what you are doing and you will heal. You will experience less cravings over time.

    You see a therapist?

    Your son is lucky to have you. You are a good soul.

    Keep in touch. K?
  18. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Man, I am so sorry to hear about your spider bite, @Josh111187. Life can certainly throw us a lot of curveballs. But I'm super proud of you for working through things and remaining sober. I know it's not easy, but you are in fact doing this. And, like @True concern, I know you can do it! One day at a time. Or one hour or minute at a time. Whatever it takes to stay on the right path, my friend. I'm so glad you're here and sharing your journey with us. We're all behind you 100 percent!
    True concern likes this.
  19. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Josh111187 Hey how you doing today?i hope I'm asking on the correct thread,anyways man i don't think I've seen a journal entry today from you again i hope this is the correct thread lol.Hey i just wanted to say man how truly proud of you i am as I've always wondered why people couldn't just help one another and i struggled with it myself but sharing on here,growing the trust within the community it's a start,its progress and i love seeing people helping people...it's just amazing to me to realize here we are the outsiders in society and we are the one's trying to make a difference,here in this community we are there for one another and i look back at a concept that seemed so easy but complex as well and it was simply what takes place here.Just treat one another well,be sincere,don't judge,and together we can make a difference.Stay Strong and God Bless.Take Care my friend.
    Dominica likes this.
  20. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener