It all began with...wait maybe it never began at all. Maybe addiction was a monster lurking in me all along and was unleashed the first time I took a Norco. Maybe... The truth is that’s really unimportant. Rather I created the monster or he lived in me prior doesn’t change the facts. I’m an addict who in a a couple of hours will have four days sober. I want to to be excited, I do, but I’ve seen this path so many times. Much like watching a movie you’ve seen a 100 times and know every part by heart but it’s a movie you don’t really care for. The scenes are in your head but you always know what’s coming, in my analogy I see relapse and always have. I’ve used pain killers more on then off the last 21 years (that looks awful to actually write, 21 years...) and maybe have strung together 3 years sober in total. Each time sober life is great but something happens and I end up back on. Don’t get me wrong, I never lie to myself. I know when I take that pill it’s never just one pill or one prescription. I know it’s for the long haul each time. I have no misgivings about my actions and I knew each and everytine I took the pill what I was doing. No trickery involved, no justifications. I do carry with me a super power (well I think it’s a super power you might think it sucks) and that power has been a life long anxiety issue. Now your saying how is that a power? Well it has kept me alive and free from taking my addiction to dark places that I have read about on here that wouldn’t be a far trip for me to go. You see my anxiety kept me from taking meds off label. I would take the **** out of them, don’t get me wrong but my high would be safe. My anxiety would not allow me to use needles, take pills of the street, snort foreign substances, etc. You see any proceived positive effect I would get from doing those things my anxiety would negate with fear of death from overdose, poisoning, HIV, and what ever else it could make me fear. So again my anxiety kept me alive and from taking things any further the safe label use. Any addict on heat can attest to how hard it is to stay safe with your abuse of drugs. I never needed more, would a better or longer high be cool? Sure, but I was content with my steady supply from my doctor, following the rules given (I never ran out early or dr shopped.). I mean not in the last 7 years or so as my doctor had no issue prescribing away to me. It felt a little weird honestly, like a menu. Name your dose, name your count, here you go. Now I know your thinking this a shady practice but it actually is one of the biggest medical groups in America. Recently with DEA and Federal crackdowns it has been harder to fill my prescriptions, not to get my script but the actual filling at pharmacies. They are either out of the qty or just refused to fill it. Either way it is time for this 3 year and change relapse to be done. Mind you with my superior anxiety this also kept me from loosing jobs, quite the opposite. On pills I was extremely productive. Even through sober periods I worked through withdrawal (and yes I have worked the last four days). My anxiety would not let me broke, jobless, and homeless. What is the point...why is being sober and high both equals in my head? I can’t demonize my addiction like some can and I’m jealous I can’t. I’ve had many enjoyable times high. And while some will point out it wasn’t real or it wasn’t really me, yes it was. Much like my actions lead to my addiction that same person walked the path. On the other side sober life is good too. I can look roundly at the sober periods and see great things about those periods of time too. I guess the point is will I ever be sober? Will I continue cycles? Do I have to learn to demonize my addiction and make it so scary I never want to return and if so how? While I’m sober now and while withdrawal sucks it’s not the end of the world. I think I’ve been through withdrawal so much I’m kind of numb to it if that makes sense. It seems I remember in the early days of my addiction never leaving the bed for five days, horrible stomach issues, needing hot baths, etc. Now as my use was at an all time high for a much longer period of time the withdrawals were minimal. Forgive my long, fog brained ranting as I’m just trying to work through some things in my mind. I’ve stalked the boards here for s few days and seen the educated people here and thought maybe there’s some prospective I could learn and see. Thanks for reading.