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The Desperate Need to Vent The Brutal Destruction I Continue To Facilitate

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by johndoe747, Jun 24, 2018.

  1. johndoe747

    johndoe747 Member

    First and foremost,

    Thank you for reading, and I convey sincerity in those brave enough to express their struggles, and I wish them well towards a brighter life.

    With that being said; I have a fluctuating mind set, one which is positive and underpinned by a good element of success in my current life, but one that is precipitated by past traumas that i feel i have never addressed, mainly due to the expectations people, and family, have always had of me. I thrive to help others; but last year i absorbed and dealt with a traumatic experience potentially losing one of my close loved ones.

    Through this, and maybe situations that have occurred in the last 3 years, have led to what has been a disgraceful time for myself. I am literally aware of what i need to do, but my will power is just weak. I am aware i nearly destroyed my financial and social life last year over cocaine.

    I managed to recover, and now sustain good employment. But when all is good; i feel that consistent craving when feeling positive, that thought ''Just one night, i have control now'' , and then 3 days later i am disgraced over the waste of money, and neglect of my loved ones.

    If only i could go into depth about the actions my addiction has had however; I feel in order to really face this bullshit, and i am sorry for swearing, but the frustration is crushing, and only myself to blame; but their is a need to vent, and have honesty from people who will not judge me.

    I am using maybe once every one week; from what used to be a daily habit. However, their is an issue that i still can not stop one day, turning into 3 days, then the high risk of relapsing.

    I am merely looking for empowerment, and help to fight the craving. It is time...

    Yours Truly
    lonewolves likes this.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @johndoe747 hello and welcome! thanks for reaching out. i get how feeling confident can sort of trick ya back into using.... have you considered reaching out to an addiction specialist perhaps? counselor? they may be able to give you tools to work on any underlying triggers or issues... just a thought.... some people find support meetings like NA to help too...

    and know that we are here to encourage you however we can!
    deanokat, lonewolves and True concern like this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @johndoe747 Welcome to the site and congratulations on the first step of recovery,reaching out and admitting you do indeed have a problem i commend your courage in doing so.First it's really hard to know where to go or what to say that may deliver that empowerment you are searching for especially since you admit you are aware of your actions and choices you make while in what i call "Self destruct mode"I have been there many time's myself and for myself there was indeed some trauma i wasn't consciously aware of until i nearly pushed myself into an early death many time's and this last time i started recalling suppressed memories and that along with the memory of all the loved one's i had effected while using well that was enough for me and i have been digging deep within my heart and soul ever since trying to make peace with myself so that i may move on in life without the constant nagging of addiction pulling me down but to do that and i'm still actively working on it but i had to start opening up and indeed i had to share in depth certain aspects of what my addiction had done and caused and it is not easy as sadly alot i don't remember but as time goes on memories start coming back and many time's they become to much to deal with alone so i often share here on this site.Simply getting another person's perspective on certain thing's in my life has given me the ability to let alot go as well as learn to deal with my issue's head on which is in no way easy but it is necessary to let go of this torment i have caused myself .We are here for you and I hope other's reply but you don't have to face this alone everyone on this site has been a major help in progress i have made and they continue to deal with me even at this point and i am grateful.Reach out and vent as much as you need to and myself and other's will do our best to advise as best we can.Stay Strong my friend you are not alone.God Bless and Take Care
    Lostboy8731, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  4. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    Welcome to the site!
    Seems like you’ve shown a lot of strength in wanting to overcome your addiction. Cutting down is an amazing start. I’m not letting my last relapse get in the way of my bigger picture, so I hope you don’t either.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @johndoe747. I'm glad you found us and reached out. And I'm happy to hear that you're working to overcome your issues with cocaine.

    It's terrific that you've cut down quite a bit. That's a tremendous start. Recovery is about progress, not perfection...and it seems like you're definitely making progress. But that "just one night" line of thinking is dangerous, so you should certainly keep working on cutting back even more.

    @Dominica's suggestion to see an addiction specialist or counselor is a good one. And Narcotics Anonymous or Cocaine Anonymous meetings would likely help you a great deal, too. Being face-to-face with people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling can be very comforting.

    We are here for you. If you need help, support, advice, or just a place to vent, you can come here anytime. We are a group of caring people who will never judge you, so you are safe here.

    Sending you clean and sober vibes and tons of hope and encouragement. Keep working to get cocaine out of your life completely. I know you can do it!
  6. johndoe747

    johndoe747 Member

    Thank you for your kind words! Unfortunately, I am in a capacity whereby I can not really risk attending any NA meeting for fear of exposing my personal life and identity; which could have a bad impact upon me even further. I know i am speaking in riddles, but i have a lot to lose; and although my addiction is not directly impacting upon my career; it is impacting upon the increasing risk of escalating damage. I am managing to curtail this currently; and fighting so very hard; but I know it is now or never, and i am trying to be pro-active.

    I do accept, and know, and crave the opportunity to discuss the underlying triggers however; I am at a dead-end. Simply put, i can only be transparent in this context. If that makes sense?
    Dominica, True concern and deanokat like this.
  7. johndoe747

    johndoe747 Member

    Thank you so much for your words! It made me feel human, and normalized what i am going through to the extent of becoming tearful for seeing someone say EXACTLY what i am going through! The memories are flooding back as I have massively reduced my consumption, and it is cruel, lonely, soul-crushing and most of all; filled with such guilt for the pain i have caused my loved ones. This is what is killing me, and i feel with historical trauma, and last year, I am using cocaine as a coping mechanism when i feel so positive, and reflect on my bad mistakes, which then has a paradoxical impact, and i push myself into a negative mindset, and then subconsciously turn to cocaine.

    So when i face my problems, which i am, i become positive, and thus my mind takes this as, cocaine is a reward for being strong to not succumb to my previous usage. But i know this is just a lie. I do feel so isolated because I can control this; but I am not. Is it because i feel social and recreational use in scarcity is OK? Is it because i have not opened up about the trauma I have managed, and never opened up about it for fear of being seen as weak? Is it because cocaine gives me excessive confidence when all is well, to further my progression?

    I just want to go one BLOODY MONTH of no cocaine. I am the problem and the solution; i know this, but it is not fully registering.

    But thank you for sharing your story; it was most helpful and soul touching.
    Lostboy8731, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  8. johndoe747

    johndoe747 Member

    Thank you for your words of empowerment, and telling me cutting down as a good starting point. I wish you all the best, and have no doubt you are on the road to success, and with that being said, helping others!

    There is a song called 'Numb' by Linkin Park, and it conveys my relationship with Cocaine. The song is like a two way discussion between me and cocaine :(
  9. johndoe747

    johndoe747 Member

    Another heart felt message; very overwhelmed by the kindness towards me in light of my actions I have inflicted upon others in my life through my addiction. I yearn for the time to really open up and express all my wrong doings to get rid of the guilt through using cocaine; but i believe this is the place whee i can do that.

    I really wish i could attend a specialist counselor but without disclosing, i can not due to my career. One thing i can say is that i have considered the impact cocaine has had, or could have on my career, and there is no risk in relation to what i do or the job i am in.

    But; when you said this:

    Sending you clean and sober vibes and tons of hope and encouragement. Keep working to get cocaine out of your life completely. I know you can do it!

    Really hit the heart strings; to hear that yes i can do it. I know I can. But it is like you said; that one night i perceive i have earned to use cocaine, after a period of abstinence then spirals out of control.

    I am struggling to not use very two weeks. I know it is a case of; i either quit or i don't and destroy my life, because i am pre-disposed to the impact cocaine has on my brain's reward system, and the craving it induces that prioritizes itself over food, water and love
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  10. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I know this response was not to me but you have said several thing's between all your responses and i may reply several times to you as my mind processes more and more,since i have A.D.H.D. and im a bit older now my mind is always playing out every story i read and i try to visualize in my mind and even though this sounds odd my heart at times feels hurt as i play out scenario after scenario,but you mentioned the song "Numb" by Linkinpark which is one of my favorite bands of all time and i understand exactly how that songs makes you feel.I also understand what you say about speaking in riddles,for year's i did the exact same thing and infact my family just before i lost them said we can't understand you because you always speak in riddles and now i think back and i can longer do it,i can't speak in riddles anymore sense i started sharing on this site and it's confusing because i am literally trying to do it right now and can't figure out how and i am grateful for that because I assume it means i am making progress.I have some wild stories and i have met some amazing people and i feel bad about how some thing's turned out.When i was younger about 20 year's ago i use to hang out with rock bands as i had a friend owns a recording studio and all the band's would go there to practice before their concerts in L.A. but a few memories stick out and i feel bad for some.About 20 year's ago i met a band named "Orion"and I met the lead singer literally the day he got out of rehab,i was young and didn't understand the gravity of the situation but we started talking and he asked me to get him some meth and his band begged me not to but i will admit i felt invincible at the time so me and the lead singer take off and i got him some meth and now i think back on that and i'm feeled with sadness knowing i may have helped ruin his career and possibly his life but i pray he is OK.I also met the mother of the original lead singer of Sublime Bradley Nowell just after he died of a heroin overdose and i met her where she worked in a hospital as i laid dieing on a hospital bed and it was her plea and the grace of God that saved my life as i was pronounced dead and she pleaded with the Dr on call to try the defribalator one last time and when he did my heart started up again and she came over with tears in her eye's and told me who she was and told me "Please don't leave me the way my son left me"and my heart broke.I pray she is doing well and i am going to try and get in contact with her so she can see me now and i want to tell her what that moment meant for me and tell her i plan on devoting myself to helping other's in that situation,i want to hug her and tell her,her son did not die in vain and her love and his story are a big part in why i'm alive trying to help other's...She is a beautiful soul and i owe that to her and Bradley as well.I'm sorry i got off track here my emotions took over and i ran with it.Stay Strong and God Bless
    johndoe747, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    You mentioned the song numb as it relates to your relationship with your addiction....I am stuck on a song titled "Snuff"by slipknot as it says much of what i feel and what i at this time think about when it comes to my relationship with my wife,my true love but i don't want to hurt her anymore but i love her so much and want her back but i worry i may hurt her emotionally again and i am torn in my emotions.I will reply further to your responses as my mind will be processing your comments probably for a few day's because your feelings are much the same as mine and i can relate to basically everything you feel and i owe it to myself to supply much of my feelings as i hope and pray they can in some small way help you on your journey.Everyone who has replied to you here,they all deserve alot of credit in my road to recovery,without these people and their genuine concern i may still be lost.These people have become family in my eye's and my heart
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  12. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    I used to love that song by Linkin Park... know that we are rooting for you!! and we are here for you... keep coming back and sharing as you journey!
    johndoe747 and deanokat like this.
  13. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    Didn't someone else sing that song? "Snuff"? I used to love that song too... and i could relate to it at a dark time in my life.... I do want to say to those who are feeling you are not worthy of unconditional love... I say to heck with that kind of thinking!!!! do what you must do to work through these feelings... the past.. well, it's over. we are all capable of doing some pretty shitty things in life... even if it's just the thoughts we think... i think of the duality of man. the fleshly shell and then the soul or consciousness or whatever you want to call it... the deeper part of self - that soul part - that's what i choose to see in people... i'm not looking at what you do, i'm looking at who you are underneath all the pain, the mistakes, the fears, the whatever.... maybe i'm too gracious... or maybe i can see with a consciousness that goes beyond the natural order of things... but i SEE you... and i hope you can see you from where i'm standing... a good soul, worthy of forgiveness (self-forgiveness), and worthy of love without conditions.

    still, that song rocks lol. so full of emotions and good lyrics...
    johndoe747, deanokat and True concern like this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Aww the know the group,i love it.I'm not sure if someone else sang the song snuff or not but what you said here after that it's definitely food for thought.I am trying to accept being equal to other's and worthy as other's and i believe it will come with time.I am hard on myself because I love my wife and want her back but she will not have this talk i desperately need to have so i can heal completely,she says she doesn't want a divorce at this time but also doesn't have time to work on our relationship at all it leaves me feeling confused and i wait on her because she waited on me so many year's but im worried this is her form of payback as she has told me she is not sure if she's in love with me anymore but she won't even make effort to find out what she feels or doesn't feel.This is tormenting me
    johndoe747 likes this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    This response...this is what i've been waiting to hear...this is what i've needed to take the next step in recovery..Thank you so much.
    johndoe747, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  16. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    you are quite welcome... regarding your wife... i'm no expert, but it may take her time..more maybe just accept that and allow the river to take you downstream, rather you keep swimming upstream :) that gets tiring and you'll be more likely to drown...

    eyes focused on you, your path, your god or faith, your journey on this earth... the rest will fall into place as you do that. practice self-care...and keep helping people as you are. it's gonna take time for you to heal, and listen, there are LAYERS of things to contend with (whether one is an addict or not)... so if you think at some point you just "arrive" at wholeness and it "sticks", well, maybe not. unless you're like buddha or jesus or something like that lol

    freedom for today. peace for today. loving yourself for today. accepting yourself right now, confused, hurting, and so on... i know for me i can take a deep breath when i just begin to accept things as they are, no right or wrong... just "be here now".

    ok, that's my soap box for the day. lol

    sending big love and peace your way!
    johndoe747, deanokat and True concern like this.
  17. Jai50

    Jai50 Senior Contributor

    I think we all been there. Think we can console that few time a week habit. Cocaine is a real tricky on because your body will need a break from it. You go for months sometimes a yr ext. But the addict in us looes control and we end up hurting ourselves again starting all over again. That road gets harder every time we fall. The only thing you can do by then is try to show everyone we changed cuz they just stop believing you. Sometimes that can take years.

    Your in a good spot in your recovery rite now. Everything is coming together your winning this battle keep going don't look back. Try off road jeepen thats a whole lot of adrenalin. Always remember someone will always be there if u fall. Good luck and keep ventinting
    deanokat likes this.
  18. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... I understand how you feel about your wife. That must be eating you up inside. Unfortunately, we can't make someone feel what we want them to feel. Or do what we want them to do. That would be a superpower, for sure. The only person we can control is the one we see when we look in the mirror. So my best advice to you is to keep working on yourself and be the kind of person your wife will want to take back. If you do that, then you'll have done all you can do. And if things work out the way you want them to, fantastic. And if they don't, at least you'll know you did everything you could. I know that maybe isn't what you want to hear, but I learned a long time ago that focusing on what someone else thinks, or what they may or may not do, is wasted energy. It's like worrying: it doesn't actually DO anything.

    Hang in there, my friend. And keep doing the next right thing.
    johndoe747 and True concern like this.
  19. johndoe747

    johndoe747 Member

    Please feel free to respond to anything; this is a wonderful open community, and all support is welcomed and equally, in turn, we support each other in relating to one another :) One thing I will say is that you are, have been, and will continue; to make progess. All too often our mind set turns very negative despite the many positive things to hold on to. And by the sound of your story, it certainly sounds like you had a pretty wild time; irrespective of contributing impact it may have had; you can extract positive memories from it. Much like yourself, I had a period throughout my life where it was wild, and many adventures and stories were experienced. So one thing I am trying to work on is: We can't change the past, but we an inform tomorrow, the future, TODAY. Our moment in living, and how we live, will inform our future lives. I emphasise with your traumatic time and experience, and without going into details; I too have put my health at risk, but still continued the same habbits. However, one thing i can say is that you certainly are devoting yourself to your word you said to Bradley's mother in that you would help others. Please don't apoligise for getting emotional, we need to vent; and this is why i am here, and so many others.

    Emotional intelligence and trying to be aware of ourselves truly, is so very hard. So don't beat yourself up. Just remember; we can be so positive to others, but so negative about ourselves. So please apply that to you ok! I will listen to that song; i used to love Slipknot! Numb by linkin park is so very close to me because of the lyrics, and Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. I can relate to your feelings about not wanting to hurt your wife, and i strongly believe she is proud of your continued promise to be the master of your life and fight what is, a horrific and god damn awful demon!

    This is a unique place with many caring people i have searched for to listen and engage with me. And for that I am blessed. Please continue to share this journey with me, and likewise, we help each other.
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  20. johndoe747

    johndoe747 Member

    I am very humbled to see the posts on here, it is a beautiful thing to see the purity that people show towards us! I find words are so powerful, and with that, i often write poems as it helps me to vent. This one in particular for my partner is special to me:

    A lost soul in the wilderness of the chaotic chime, soon realised without thought or effort, that life is a sweet rhyme or an oppressive time

    For the majority they selfishly continue onwards, But for those who do not, they are seen as people who wronged us, but still
    Pursue with sacrifice, and impunity, only to receive the penalty of an absent crime with no sweet tone of or even something that can be called mine .

    A crime without thought and one without compassion, for the ones who continued still asking how this all happened.
    For the soil that is stained with blood that remains indelible, whilst others ponder and wonder over what is not important and tainted touched edibles, Can only lead to greed and deceit yet is seen as incredible, but all along wanting to be good, i start to realise this was never my call.

    My call was to be that of good, despite the dark laden depths of what happens when we fall, I realised, that a calling goes beyond good and bad for both are intrinsic and apply to all,

    But only with this eternal continuum, can it grow with beauty and fluttered delirium, that only those who allow the ocean to continue glistening; that they soon realise all along, in the depths of oblivion, she was always there in waiting and already listening.
    True concern and deanokat like this.