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The dope game

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Danyell, May 14, 2015.

  1. Danyell

    Danyell Community Champion

    So I have been a heroin addict for years now. When I was first introduced to it, I was dating this guy who manipulated me into thinking what I was snorting was not heroin. It was, and from the first line it became my best friend. I smoked/snorted it everyday for about a month and when I pretty much stopped getting high from it I decided I wanted to try and shoot up. So when that day finally came I had gotten really drunk during the day and that gave me the courage to try and shoot that night. This guy I was kind of dating at the time did it for me and right after he pulled the needle out I immeditely fell on the ground and was unconscious for what he said was about 3-4 hours. I had overdosed, and he apparently was freaking out because I was turning blue and my breathing was extremely slow along with my heart beat. Still unresponsive, he then decided to shoot me up with ice(meth) to speed up my heartbeat. After that night, I still couldn't seem to part ways from heroin. My use got way worse after starting to shoot it. At my worst I was shooting a little under 2grams/day. From shooting up so much, my veins are pretty much all gone on my arms, hands, feet, legs, and my lower stomach.

    I have been to rehab five different times over the years of my use. I unfortunately, just got out of rehab again about a month ago and I have fallen back into my old ways, using and all. It really is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.
    IrishHeather and Damien Lee like this.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Danyell... Thanks for sharing your story. The night you overdosed sounds so scary. I'm glad you are still with us.

    The fact that you're here sharing, and the fact that you've been to rehab five different times tells me that you have a strong desire to get clean. That's the first step, so congrats on that.

    My son was addicted to heroin and required multiple rehabs before he finally stayed clean. I know from his experiences how hard it can be. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even though the tunnel might be long. So please don't give up.

    I'm confident that others who have been addicted to heroin will speak up here and offer you suggestions/advice on what to do next. I know the people here will be supportive. It's a great group.

    Sending positive, recovery vibes your way. :)
    Jess, Danyell and IrishHeather like this.
  3. imperivm1

    imperivm1 Community Champion

    That is a remarkable story. You've been through hell and back multiple times in your life. I'm curious, though. How did you manage to obtain that much heroin? Also, at what point did you discover you were an addict? Heroin addiction is arguably the hardest to shake off so it is quite understandable you've had to go to rehab five different teams over the years. The important thing is that you're here now. Don't give up on life.
    Danyell and IrishHeather like this.
  4. whitenoise

    whitenoise Senior Contributor

    It's sad to hear this. I had really close friends who have been addicted... and as you probably understand someone for his obsessive usage of this substances passed away. It hurts me reading your story because it's like reviving the one I had lived years ago. What I can tell you is , as imperivim1 previously said, don't give up, don't do stupid things and keep going. One time I had seen a beautfiul and impressive motivational video on youtube that talks about quitting fights and I think that is what you need at the moment.
    Failures at first times can happen, but you have to stand up and face the reality. I'm sure one day you'll be completly free from drugs if you keep fight else you might end up hitting yourself worse than you already did.
    Danyell and IrishHeather like this.
  5. Damien Lee

    Damien Lee Community Champion

    Your situation is truly overwhelming, it sent shivers up my back as I was reading it. As a former addict myself I can empathize with what you're going through. Though I was lucky enough not to cross a certain line and I managed to escape that way of life. I can only advise you to tackle this on a day to day basis, take small but effective steps in the direction of sobriety.
    Danyell and IrishHeather like this.
  6. IrishHeather

    IrishHeather Active Contributor

    I am so sorry you got involved in this situation, and what makes it worse, someone that says they care for you drove the carriage so to speak. I sincerely hope that you have broken from a relationship with him. That being said, I know you feel that your situation is hopeless, but I'm here to tell you that its not. I started out very similar to you. My vice was prescription opiates instead of street bought. I started out taking them orally, then went to snorting and eventually to shooting Diladud. Take pride in the fact that you have taken the first steps to recovery, Your here! You realize that you have a problem and genuinely seem to want help. Re-affirm to yourself every day that you want a better life, make it a daily mantra. Soon the desire to get clean and live sober will become its own kind of addiction. You can do this! I know you can. I believe in you... we all do!
    Jess and Danyell like this.
  7. Danyell

    Danyell Community Champion

    I have ways been a very functional addict. During the time where I was using around 2 grams a day I was working and making amazing money. I was fully self supporting, paying rent, bills, ect., and able to support my habit.
    I remember when I was dating that guy that I mentioned this one particular night. At the time I was staying with him and it was a squatter house and he was dealing a little bit of ice too. So almost every 30 minutes there would be some super tweaked out person walking in. This one time there was this guy who was probably 50 years old and a hardcore neo-nazi that was over and he was really iced out. He was freaking out thinking that this other guy that was there was a cop or something. It was really sketchy. I just remember thinking "what am I doing with my life". But I didn't want to leave because then I wouldn't be able to get dope. It is a vicious cycle. But thank you everything you have said!
  8. EditorsRHumansToo!

    EditorsRHumansToo! Community Champion

    Welcome @Danyell Good question about you, "what am I doing with my life." I trust you and hope with you that deep down within you heart, you never want to put yourself in harm's way endangering your life. Deep down you want to stop and get healing. You will stop, won't you? Would you reconnect with your family you love so much and tell them you need help in stopping your heroine?

    I look forward to hearing from you about your step-by-step good decision towards your recovery journey. :):)
    Danyell likes this.
  9. Danyell

    Danyell Community Champion

    @EditorsRHumansToo! thank you for the kind and encouraging words. It means a lot.

    Unfortunately, most of my family is fed up and tired of me saying that I need help and to go to rehab, sober living, or to detox. I have gone to them for help about five times so that I could go to a treatment facility. The last time I went was about a month ago and they said that time, that it was the last time that they would go through this and help. After I got out of that place, I went straight back to using...
    Corzhens likes this.
  10. EditorsRHumansToo!

    EditorsRHumansToo! Community Champion

    Oh, my dear friend, @Danyell ! I am so sorry! The family you love has failed you. But please, do not give up on yourself. Keep that love of yourself strong and brave. We, in this community, would like to open our ears and hearts to you. Stay connected with us-- and with an accountability partner whom you feel you can trust to help you anytime in your recovery back to healing.

    You are very much loved. We care. I will be thinking of you and be praying with you @Danyell ... Love to you!
    Danyell likes this.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Danyell There's no doubt that you want to make a change in your life. If you didn't, you wouldn't be here, right? I hope you never give up trying to break the addiction cycle. Even though you've been to treatment multiple times and have always gone back to using, that pattern doesn't have to continue. The cycle can be broken.

    My son struggled for so many years. He was self-medicating because he felt bad about not having things he so desperately wanted: a job, a girlfriend, his own place to live. What he didn't realize is that using drugs was what was preventing him from getting those things. After seven years of addiction and multiple trips to treatment, the message finally sank in. I think each time he went to rehab, a little more of what he was hearing stuck. Finally, the bell went off inside his head and he figured it out.

    Today my son is living life to its fullest and enjoying every day. He has a good job, an awesome girlfriend, and his own place. All of the things he never thought he'd have. I still marvel at the changes that occurred in my son. And those changes can happen to anyone who finds recovery. So don't give up, okay? Promise me you'll keep trying. You are totally worth it!
    Danyell likes this.
  12. EditorsRHumansToo!

    EditorsRHumansToo! Community Champion

    Hi @Danyell How are you today? I'd like you to know that you will make it. Please be strong and be very brave to say y"yes" to wellness and freedom? Have you admitted to rehab and recovery?

    You are very much loved! ... hear from you soon.
  13. Bonzer

    Bonzer Community Champion

    The fact that you are a functional addict, might have made you to fall into the vicious circle again and again. If I may add, without ever being rude that the false confidence of getting on top of the addiction threw you deep into the mess. Well, we all face problems in life and only we know our situation better. I wish you muster the courage and confidence to fully defeat the addiction.
  14. Danyell

    Danyell Community Champion

    @EditorsRHumansToo! I'm doing alright today. What do you mean when you said "have you admitted to rehab and recovery?"? I am a little confused haha.

    @Bonzer you are spot on !! That is exactly what happens everytime.
  15. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Hi Danyell, welcome to the forum. I know that your recovery is a priority to you right now but what are you doing with yourself? Are there any hobbies or other recreational activities that you are active in?

    I ask because of the five times that you have been through treatment you seem to not hesitate in going back to your old habit of using. So what is it that you are looking for?
    kjonesm1 likes this.
  16. EditorsRHumansToo!

    EditorsRHumansToo! Community Champion

    @Danyell, you said, "The last time I went was about a month ago and they said that time, that it was the last time that they would go through this and help. After I got out of that place, I went straight back to using..."

    Please, you must tell yourself to stop wanting cracks. Please decide on rehab and no-drug treatment with an accountability partner/community who care and love you so much for your freedom, recovery and well-being.
  17. Danyell

    Danyell Community Champion

    @EditorsRHumansToo! I totally agree with you that I need to stop. Although it is a lot easier said than done. Are you a recovering addict/alcoholic? If so, then you fully understand the complete mental obsession with all of it, not just wanting to get high. For me, it is the lifestyle, going to go pick it up, cooking it, and just the whole experience. But in order for anything to actually change, I have to honestly and fully want it bad enough. And in no way am I trying to sound rude, that is not my intention at all! Lol. Some people I know that haven't first hand been through it, don't understand that it isn't just something that I can turn off. (I'm not directing this towards you lol, my parents unfortunately think this way and a lot of people I know do too) thank you for the support!!! :)
  18. Danyell

    Danyell Community Champion

    No, I don't have any hobbies or anything really. Being an addict is a 24/7 job. I really don't know what I'm looking for... I just know that something needs to change.
    kjonesm1 likes this.
  19. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    @Danyell, well the change has started for you by joining us here. You're different Danyell and I feel there is something especially for you that will pull you away from your 24/7 job that you hold now.

    Stay with us here for as long as you like; take what you want and leave the rest for later.
    Danyell likes this.
  20. EditorsRHumansToo!

    EditorsRHumansToo! Community Champion

    Oh, @Danyell! You are a sweet precious child, like my own. No, you are not being rude, dear friend.

    Please, my dear new loved friend, you are a very strong woman-- deep part of you wants healing and be freed from that lifestyle that, you admitted, is harming your body and mind. It's your spirit that's desperately trying to save you and wants you healed.

    Please, understand that we love you, @Danyell Stay here with us, precious friend. I always think of you and pray with you every day.
    IrishHeather and Danyell like this.